


a series of beds

by softanticipation



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-08-13 23:30:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 94,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20182522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softanticipation/pseuds/softanticipation
Summary: Kelley knows she's got no right to feel this way, but that doesn't seem to be stopping her. Emily's been dealing with this for a long time, and doesn't really want to start back at square one.*In which a lot of texts are exchanged and neither of them want to be the first to cross that line.





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> i'm more than a little nervous about posting about these two for the first time but i've been sucked in and there just isn't enough fic about them yet so i'm here to contribute. i envision this in a world similar to the one from pillowtalk - not exactly real life, but extremely similar.

Salt and sunscreen.

It still permeates her nostrils hours later when she climbs into bed. The smell lingers like smoke from a candle that’s just been extinguished, and not for the first time since her time at the beach, Kelley considers showering. There had been a cursory rinse earlier but she’d been running late to dinner and had to prioritize: miss her own birthday celebration, or smell like the hotel issued shower gel. 

She’d unsurprisingly opted to stick to letting the beach remain on her skin. 

The other bed in the hotel room is empty. Alex has unsurprisingly headed back to her house with Serv and there’d been an open invitation there, one that she’d taken them up on earlier in the week, settling into the guest room with a sort of ease that she’s perfected over the years. Tonight though, she doesn’t feel like leaving the team hotel despite the fact that most of them have headed their separate ways. She might technically be alone, but at least there are still a few of them scattered in rooms on the floor.

It feels better than being on a plane on her birthday, anyway. She’s done that plenty of times before, enough so that she does her best to avoid it when she can. 

But then the time on her phone pushes forward and it’s a new day, and Kelley’s birthday is over. 

She doesn’t mind. The day was great and she feels fulfilled, and she’d been texting with her girlfriend earlier, up until time zones had forced her into bed while Kelley was still dressed up with champagne in hand. There had been a phone call shortly after Kelley had woken up, and a brief Facetime while Kelley had been wrapped in a towel and sorting through the contents of her suitcase, desperate for something to fit the occasion. She’d almost been too distracted to give the situation the amount of attention it deserved, but that’s just how it is. 

There aren’t many things that can hold Kelley O’Hara’s full attention. 

Her girlfriend knows that. She’s been around long enough to know that. They’re used to conversations cut short, unanswered texts, quick visits during which neither one of them are totally present. It’s just how it is, Kelley knows, when she travels so much and can’t manage to land herself in the same city as her girlfriend more than once every few months. Sometimes she wonders how Alex and Allie and everyone else manages - the only people whose relationships she understands are those who have decided to simplify things by dating their teammates. 

She’d be lying if she said that sometimes she wasn’t jealous of Ashlyn and Ali, or Tobin and Christen. Just being able to sit next to each other on planes and buses is something that she sometimes finds herself watching, wondering how they got so lucky to find their soulmates in the way that they have. 

Her phone buzzes, loud on the nightstand where she stashed it after deciding that if she didn’t get to sleep as soon as possible, she’d be a zombie in the airport in the morning. It’s a choice she has to make - check to see what it is and not be able to fall asleep for at least another fifteen minutes, or inevitably stay awake unable to keep from wondering who the notification is from and what it contains. 

It’s an easy decision, no matter how much she wishes she was already asleep. 

Her stomach lurches when she sees the message; more specifically, who the message is from. 

**Emily Sonnett: **what a shame you never let me be in charge of your birthday celebrations before! sleep tight miss kelley, and don’t let the birthday bed bugs bite :)

It’s typical Emily to stubbornly refuse to capitalize her texts - she insists that she knows enough proper English and that won’t change. Kelley takes half a second to roll her eyes at it before her fingers are flying across the screen, typing out a response. 

**Kelley O’Hara: **That was the most formal text you’ve sent me in years

**Kelley O’Hara: **Today wasn’t too awful so thank you I guess

She’d already taken care to thank her before they parted earlier, retiring to their separate hotel rooms at a surprisingly respectable hour. It had been a wonderful day, no doubt about that, and Kelley almost feels like she doesn’t deserve for Emily to have planned out the day as well as she had. She isn’t even a planner necessarily, Kelley knows that about her, but just the fact that there had been dinner reservations made told her all she needed to know about the effort that had been put forth. 

A text buzzes through just as Kelley locks her phone screen, lighting up the room with that ghastly blue light. 

**Emily Sonnett: **lol sorry i thought you would be asleep

**Kelley O'Hara: **Right back at you

**Emily Sonnett: **mal is on the phone with her boo, trying and failing to be quiet

Emily’s flight is earlier than Kelley’s, and Mal and Rose’s even earlier, so she’s a little surprised that she’s not the only one still awake. She thinks of Emily in her hotel room, trying to occupy herself while Mal whispers sweet things that are only said within the space of one’s first serious relationship, and types and sends a message before thinking about it too hard. 

**Kelley O'Hara: **Alex’s bed is empty and clean, come sleep here

**Emily Sonnett: **don't wanna wake you up too early….

It’s not a no, Kelley thinks. 

**Kelley O'Hara: **Come on, you know I fall back asleep easy. Besides, you’ll make sure I don’t oversleep. 

It’s just convenient, she tells herself. It’s a better arrangement for Emily, which is the least she can do to show her appreciation for the day she’d been given. It’s got nothing to do with how she’s feeling at the moment - a little sad, wanting company after such an amazing day, and frustrated with herself for not knowing the next time she’ll see her girlfriend. 

There are perhaps too many emotions to battle in the time it takes to get a response, but thankfully Emily doesn’t allow her much time to dwell on it. 

**Emily Sonnett: **don’t make me knock

Kelley jumps out of bed as soon as her brain processes the meaning behind the text, opening the door with the sort of carefulness that can only be achieved when aware of the fact that everyone around is asleep. The hotel hallway is eerily quiet, dimly lit and turning a corner right outside Kelley’s room, and she nearly considers using the deadbolt to hold the door open so she can dive back under the covers. She looks at her phone, grasped in her right hand, and considers telling Emily to hurry up before - 

“Hey.”

Kelley doesn’t even jump. Once upon a time she would have, Emily loving to sneak up on her, especially from behind, but she’s used to it now. Emily pokes out from behind the corner, phone in hand with a suitcase in the other, a bag slung over her shoulder. Her nearly bare shoulder, Kelley notes. She’s wearing a sports bra, gray and faded and a little too big for her, the hem stretching down towards the high waist of her team-issued joggers. It’s nothing Kelley hasn’t seen before - hell, they were in swimsuits together earlier - but in the low light of the hallway, there’s something so relaxed and bare about it that has her thinking carefully before she speaks. 

“Hey,” Kelley says, motioning Emily in. “Were you already packed?”

“I can be responsible,” Emily says, shoulder brushing Kelley’s as she pushes into the room. “When you’ve got a five o’clock wake up call, you kind of want to be ready to go.”

“Fair,” Kelley says with a faint grin. Once the door is closed the hotel room is nearly dark, the only light coming from the streetlamps outside the window. It’s just barely enough to see by, and Kelley slips back under the covers and plugs her phone back in while waiting for Emily to get settled. 

It doesn’t take longer than it takes Kelley to double check that her alarm is set properly. By the time she’s locked the screen, Emily is pulling back the covers of the other bed, her stuff piled in the corner. 

“Thanks for letting me stay here,” Emily says, plugging in her own phone. Kelley can make out her silhouette in the blue-tinted darkness, the paleness of her hair glinting just enough to draw Kelley’s eyes. “Mal doesn’t seem to care very much about sleeping tonight.”

“I didn’t think you’d care either,” Kelley says, setting her phone down for the night and trying to get comfortable. She usually sleeps on her side, and she finds herself nestling into her pillow to face Emily despite the fact that they can’t see each other properly. “I seem to remember the two of you challenging every bedtime I tried to set for us back in France.”

“Oh, come on,” Emily says. Kelley can hear her rustle around until she’s laying down, a mirror image of Kelley’s positioning. “It was the world cup! Not everyone has been to one before. Besides, we can’t help that we wanted to soak up every second we could with the famous Kelley O’Hara.”

Flattery and flirting is nothing new between the two of them - it’s been a part of their dynamic ever since Kelley can remember. Lately it’s been less of the latter, since Kelley decided to get serious and wholly commit to her girlfriend, and the two of them haven’t exactly addressed it but it’s been a distinct change. Kelley pretends like she doesn’t miss it, like there isn’t something lacking in their banter nowadays, like she doesn’t wish she could have the best of both worlds - a committed girlfriend on the other side of the country as well as Emily’s undivided attention.

“We all know that was all you, not Mal,” Kelley jokes, tucking a hand under her pillow. “Everyone knows you’re obsessed with me, Em.”

*

Kelley can’t remember when it started, when she first started calling her Em. She doesn’t remember it rolling off the tongue, doesn’t remember it being a conscious choice. The only thing she remembers is the way Emily had looked at her funny one day in the locker room, when most everyone else had cleared out. It had been at some random camp - Kelley couldn’t recall which one if it was a matter of life or death, couldn’t even recall if it was the first time she’d said it. 

“Almost no one gets to call me Em,” she had said, looking at Kelley funny. “What makes you think you’re special?”

Kelley can’t even remember what her response had been. All she remembers is what Emily has said, and the way she’d never protested further. She’s been letting Kelley call her Em whenever she wants for the last few years, and whenever Kelley registers that she’s doing it (which isn’t exactly often, because she’s sure she does it without noticing plenty of the time), she always thinks to herself: what makes her think she’s so special?

There are lots of things that make Kelley think she’s special, special to Emily Ann Sonnett, and in the back of her mind she’s got a loose list. 

One would be the way Emily looks at her when she thinks no one else is looking, when she thinks everyone around them is busy and the world seems to narrow down to just the two of them, when everyone else has moved on past the joke or anecdote or the analysis. It’s always soft and fond, an indulgent edge to Emily’s smile and a little crinkle around the eyes that seems as though it’s reserved just for Kelley. 

Two would be the way Emily speaks into the phone when they’re apart. Kelley’s heard her speak on the phone plenty of times, heard the tone she takes when talking to her parents or her sister or any number of friends. Rationally she knows there’s a difference in the way a voice sounds through a speaker, but on the occasions they’ve called each other on the phone, Emily’s voice goes relaxed and almost gentle - not her usual sharp wit and effortful attempts to draw a good laugh out of whomever she’s talking to. 

Three would be the way Emily touches her when they tackle each other in practice. It’s the one that Kelley questions the most, telling herself that just because Emily’s hand finds her stomach, doesn’t mean that it’s done on purpose. Sure, Kelley lets Emily help her up from the ground almost every time, her hand warm and firm against Kelley’s, waiting half because she liked to be helped up and half because it takes her a moment to recover from the searing heat that’s left on her skin from wherever she’s been touched - high up on her thigh, the side of her waist, the small of her back. But that doesn’t mean she’s special; Emily tackles lots of teammates, and she’s not always careful where her hands go, and she often helps lots of teammates to their feet. She even often helps lots of opponents to their feet during matches, especially when she plays with the Thorns. 

So what makes Kelley think she’s so special?

*

Emily always takes the teasing in stride.

“You’ve got me,” she deadpans. “I’ve actually lied about Mal being on the phone so I can sleep in the same room as you again.”

“I knew it,” Kelley says, and she’s sleepy but still manages a grin that she’s almost entirely certain can’t be seen. “Is it everything you remember it being?”

“Hm,” Emily hums. “You might need to boss me around a bit for me to get the full effect.”

“Go to sleep,” Kelley says, eyes drifting shut. “We’ve both got early flights. That bossy enough for you?”

“Perfect,” Emily says, and it isn’t long before Kelley dozes off. 

It also isn’t long before she’s being shaken awake. 

It takes her a moment to come to, to realize that a hand is shaking her through the covers, resting on the outside of her arm. She blinks sleepily, and it takes a few more moments for her to remember who is in front of her. 

“Em,” she says thickly. “What’s wrong?”

“I swear a felt a bed bug,” Emily whispers urgently, removing her hand now that Kelley’s awake. 

Kelley has to force herself to sit up a bit, eyes squinting in the dark. It’s a waste to try and make out any more than the vague outline of Emily’s head, her hair tossed up in a mess of a bun, but the effort wakes her up a little more. 

“They changed all the linens today,” Kelley says, trying to muddle through and make sense of the situation. “How can there be bed bugs?”

“I don’t know but I swear I felt something,” Emily says, her voice still low and urgent. “I can’t get bitten by bed bugs, you know how sensitive my skin is! I’ll be itching all week. ”

Kelley’s mind isn’t working at full capacity. She’s beyond tired from a long day, has been abruptly torn from the depths of some lovely sleepy brain waves, and is very aware of the fact that Emily smells like salty water and coconut sunscreen - just the same as Kelley had smelled for the majority of the day. 

“Just get in here,” she mumbles. “Alex didn’t say anything, so I’m not sure if I should believe you, but I want to sleep so I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt.”

Emily doesn’t move or say anything, and Kelley thinks that maybe she’s fucked up. She panics in the silence, thinking that maybe that would be crossing a line, that Emily thinks it’s weird to spend the night in the same bed even though they’ve inhabited plenty of beds together while awake - but then Emily moves closer and all the air whooshes out of Kelley’s lungs in a relieved exhale. 

“You sure that’s okay?” 

Kelley tries not to overthink it. 

“I don’t want the bed bugs to attack you,” she says as reasonably as she can. 

It’s with a certain degree of trepidation that Emily pads over to the other side of the bed before getting in. The weight of the mattress shifts and for just a moment Kelley thinks, maybe this isn’t the best idea, but then Emily seems to find a comfortable position and it’s possible to relax. Kelley just wants to go back to sleep but she can hear Emily’s barely audible breathing, can smell the beach lingering in her hair and on her skin, can nearly taste the tension that she prays she isn’t imagining. 

Kelley doesn’t want to be going crazy. 

“Are you sure that this is okay?”

Emily’s voice is just a little too loud in the large room, and Kelley suddenly feels overheated under the blankets, in her oversized t-shirt and pajama shorts. She wants to kick off the covers and crank up the air conditioning until she’s got goosebumps covering every square inch of her skin. Instead, she remains as still as she can and tries not to think about the small strip of midriff exposed by Emily’s sleeping clothes. 

She could reach out and touch her, Kelley thinks. It would be simultaneously both the hardest and easiest thing in the world. 

“Of course,” Kelley answers after a moment. She’s relieved to hear her voice come out evenly and steady. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

She can answer that question all by herself when Emily rolls over, the mattress dipping and bringing them closer together. Her heart speeds up and it makes no sense, not when they’ve been in beds together before, not when they’ve touched while wearing far less clothing, not when Kelley’s got a girlfriend she loves dearly and no intention of changing that anytime soon, if ever. Emily doesn’t stop until Kelley can practically feel the heat radiating off her sun-soaked skin, on her side with her breath puffing up on the back of Kelley’s neck. She might be imagining it, but Kelley thinks it smells fresh and minty, like the toothpaste in the red tube she’d brought to France.

“I apologize ahead of time for any movement made while I’m asleep,” she says, and they’re not touching, but Kelley feels like that’s a good thing. She doesn’t know what she’d do or how she’d feel if they were. 

Emily falls asleep quickly, her breathing turning slow and heavy. Kelley takes a little longer, trying to even out her own breathing the way she’s been taught during all her meditation and yoga classes over the years. She’s pretty sure it’s by the grace of God and the long day she’s had that she eventually falls asleep.

She dreams of scrimmages and playful tackles, of brief touches and crinkled eyes. 

She doesn’t want to dream at all. 

*

It’s dark out when the crash wakes her. 

It’s not like before when she was abruptly shaken awake, not like when Emily was touching her and she felt torn from sleep and almost too groggy to function. It’s dark because Kelley can’t quite open her eyes yet, even though her mind feels well rested and alert, and she takes a long moment to take stock of where all her body parts are.

She’s flat on her stomach, as she usually is when she wakes. It’s never how she falls asleep - she never could, she must always be on her left side when she falls asleep - but it’s how she wakes up most mornings, with her legs spread and her arms bent up by her head. It’s instinctual, the way Kelley pushes her face into the inside of her upper arm, nuzzling like a cat would, she imagines. 

But then her eyes slowly blink open and she doesn’t have to think hard to remember what happened last night. It comes back to her with ease, a coherent sequence of events that’s far simpler to sort through than the dreams she had. Her dreams flash in her head, desperate to be seen and understood but they’re only fleeting, filtering out faster than water in a sieve. It’s so characteristic of dreaming and Kelley doesn’t mind, mostly because the primary emotion she’s registering is that she doesn’t want to remember them at all. 

There’s something there, in the fading images in her brain, that seems like it doesn’t belong. Something that seems wrong. 

She’s glad to have it fade as she rolls onto her back, eyes searching for the source of the loud noise. She’d nearly forgotten about it, caught up in the process of waking up, but she can plainly see what it was when she sits up to find Emily crouched over her suitcase. 

“Leaving without saying goodbye?”

Kelley means it jokingly, but it comes out rough and sleep-laden. 

Emily doesn’t seem to mind, looking up from where she’s trying to fit sneakers back into her carry-on. 

“Sorry for waking you,” she says, pausing from the task at hand so she can re-tie her hair into its sloppy ponytail. “I didn’t mean to, but my dumb ass forgot to zip this shut.”

“You’re so dumb,” Kelley says, and instead of the normal amount of friendly ridicule in her voice, she finds the words coming out with a worryingly high level of affection. 

“I know,” Emily says, and the light from the bathroom allows Kelley to see the soft smile on her face. It’s one she’s seen a million times before, but she can’t figure out why it seems to hit her different. Normally it’s just a simple physical expression, one to remind them of how they’re more than just athletes, more than just colleagues, but this time Kelley feels something tug inside of her and all of a sudden it’s not just a joke. 

“What time is it?” Kelley asks, fumbling for her phone. “My alarm didn’t go off - “

“Five thirty,” Emily answers as Kelley sees the time five twenty-seven flash on her phone screen. She’s got a good morning text from her girlfriend already, a sweet kiss emoji attached, and she decides to deal with responding to that later when she’s fully awake and out of bed and ready to start her day. “You’ve got a while, if you want to go back to sleep.”

“I’ve only got fifteen minutes before I should be up,” Kelley says. “And you’ve got that long until you have to leave.”

“I try to be early when I can,” Emily says, finishing with her suitcase, zipping it before standing it upright. “Don’t wanna piss off Horan.”

“You leaving me then?” Kelley asks, trying to keep the disappointment out of her voice. A hint of it must remain though, against her better judgment, because Emily pushes her phone into the pocket of an Adidas hoodie she’s left unzipped to show off a simple white shirt before coming closer. She’s got to step over Kelley’s things to get to her, but Kelley instinctively moves over just enough to allow Emily to sit down on the edge of the bed next to her. 

She’s so close and it’s too bright, dim in the room but with enough light from the bathroom so Kelley can see Emily’s freckles, the puffy bags under her eyes, the slightly chapped lips. 

“You’ve got to be so tired,” Kelley says unthinkingly. 

“I’ll sleep on the plane,” Emily says, almost as if she’s reassuring her. “I’ll make Lindsey let me lay on her.”

“”Text me,” Kelley says. “I want to make sure you make your flight.”

“As you wish,” Emily says, and there it is again, that soft smile. “I’ve got to go.”

Kelley tries not to feel a twinge of sadness at Emily leaving - she hadn’t expected this extra time together and now that it’s ending, she doesn’t want it to. Part of her wishes she could travel with her to the airport in the same car, but their travel arrangements hadn’t worked out that way and instead Kelley’s meeting up with Christen at the airport - she’s getting there earlier, accompanying Tobin who’s on the same flight as the girl currently sitting beside her. It almost seems unfair, the way things seem to always work out for the two of them, but Kelley knows that it doesn’t come without a lot of hard work on both their parts. 

“I’ll see you when I see you,” Kelley offers.They’ve got less than a month before their next victory tour games, and then Portland plays in Utah, and Kelley shouldn’t be focusing on that but she also can’t stop herself from mentally taking note of exactly every time they’ll get to see each other in the next few months. 

“Philadelphia,” Emily says, and part of Kelley is comforted in knowing that she’s not the only one keeping track.

There’s a split second there, where Kelley isn’t sure how to say goodbye. She wants to fast-forward to the end of the month, to meeting up at a camp that will inevitably end up being mostly goofing around and finding ways to stay cool in the summer heat, but for the moment she’s got to let the girl in front of her go on and get on a plane. 

It’s less than a month, Kelley tells herself. She’s gone longer than that without seeing her girlfriend, and it was perfectly fine. 

“Have a safe flight,” Kelley says. 

“You too,” Emily says. 

She doesn’t want her to just leave, but Emily is smile and getting up and Kelley feels the loss instantly. The bed feels cold and Emily is distracted in a way that Kelley hates, reaching for her phone again and swinging her bag over her shoulder. She makes it to the door, not even turning around before calling out in a hushed voice - 

“Don’t fall back asleep!”

Kelley throws off the covers and gets up, rushing to catch the door as Emily heads out, suitcase catching in the gap before she yanks it forward. 

“Wait,” Kelley says, not possibly out of breath from dashing across the hotel room. No, that’s not why air seems hard to come by, not why her lungs feel like they’re burning the same way they do when she’s been forced to play the full length of a game that goes into extra time. “You didn’t say goodbye.”

Emily turns around, head tilted to the right in a questioning manner, and Kelley doesn’t waste a second before darting to the side of the suitcase to give her a hug as best as she can. She smells like salt still, her clothes fresh and her deodorant subtle but still there, and it’s nothing new but Kelley doesn’t want to let go. Emily returns the gesture as well as she can with a phone in her hand and a bag over one shoulder, enveloping Kelley in a way that doesn’t add up with Emily’s not particularly impressive stature. She closes her eyes and leans her cheek against the cotton of Emily’s t-shirt, inhaling hard in a desperate attempt to get enough air to stop feeling like this, like she’s out of breath and lightheaded. 

“Sorry, Miss Kelley,” Sonnett says, and she’s teasing just a little, free arm wrapped around Kelley’s shoulders while the hand with her phone presses against the middle of her back, fingertips burning wherever they make contact with her body. It’s almost awkward and Kelley’s right leg is sticking out to keep the door from closing on her, everything haphazard but so entirely worth it - so entirely worth the nearly hidden note of tenderness in Emily’s tone that Kelley isn’t entirely sure she’s not imagining. “Bye, okay?”

“Bye,” Kelley says, well aware that she should be letting go right about now, but unable to move for some reason. “Bye, Em.”

Emily’s free hand rubs down the length of Kelley’s back, just once, a soft and cursory sweep from her shoulder to the dip of her spine before it turns into her ass, and there’s nothing more to it before they separate, but it feels like something she’d like to experience over and over again. She wonders how she can get it to happen again - how she can get Emily to spend hours rubbing her back, her warm hands traveling back and forth, lulling Kelley into a sensory experience that she imagines would be akin to being wrapped up in a cloud. 

But then Emily is a foot away from her and Kelley knows that she needs to let her go, needs to let her catch her flight, needs to let her avoid the wrath of The Great Horan who is most definitely the opposite of a morning person. It’s harder than it should be, to back away and wave as Emily makes her way down the hall to the elevators, to retreat back into her hotel room and sit on the bed with a heavy sigh. 

She has to force herself to text her girlfriend before getting dressed for the day ahead of her. 

*

It’s not hard to keep busy throughout August. There are weekday games, weekend games, and Kelley knows the chances of the Royals making the playoffs aren’t exactly high, but that isn’t a deterring factor for anyone. She still gives her all to every game, every practice, listens carefully in every meeting. Her days are filled with practice gear and showering off a thick layer of sweat that is only made worse by the thick summer heat. 

For some reason, Portland and Utah seems to play all their games at nearly the same time, but Kelley only knows this because Christen complains about it - she’s never one to complain very much, but it’s the only word that accurately describes how she whines about not being able to catch any of Tobin’s games. 

“We like to watch each other,” she pouts during halftime when they play the Reign. Kelley thinks it’s ridiculous because she knows for a fact that Christen’s stopping in Portland on their way back to Utah, and it hasn’t even been a week since they last saw each other, but she says nothing. A week after that, she allows Christen to use her phone to watch the Thorns as they play in Providence Park.

“Mine died,” Christen explains as Kelley pulls up the game and turns her phone sideways. They’re only just leaving Orlando’s stadium, and they manage to finish watching the first half by the time they get back to the hotel. Kelley most definitely doesn’t spend the majority of the time trying to get a glimpse of the Thorn’s defense, because the Spirit don’t have the best offense no matter how hard Rose and Mal bust their asses, and most of the half is spent with the camera zoomed in on Tobin sending in some truly stellar crosses. 

When it’s their turn to play the Spirit, Kelley lets Mal and Rose and Andi take her out for coffee the morning after the game. She spends most of the time texting, apologizing to her girlfriend for not being able to meet up while in the vicinity. There’s a text from Emily buried in there, some comment about being glad that the game had ended in a draw so she doesn’t have to pick favorites, but she ignores it with a pile of guilt in the pit of her stomach. 

“Sonny says hi,” Rose says absently, texting furiously. 

“Did you send her a picture of me?” Mal asks suspiciously, eyes narrowed as she reaches for Rose’s phone. Rose is too quick though, twisting away and hiding behind Andi who watches the interaction with silent amusement. 

“You, Kelley, doesn’t matter,” Rose says, voice muffled into Andi’s shirt. 

Kelley’s stomach lurches, but another paragraph is coming through on her phone and it makes her sigh heavily. 

“What?” Mal says, attention diverted. 

“She’s pissed I’m with you and not her,” Kelley mumbles under her breath. She’s got nothing to hide, not at ten in the morning in a coffee shop that’s full of suburban moms who definitely don’t care about the drama in the lives of a bunch of professional athletes. 

“She’s a long drive from here, isn’t she?” Mal asks with a frown. 

Kelley heaves another sigh.

“She wanted me to extend my trip.”

Mal is quiet, seemingly waiting for an excuse as Rose and Andi look at something at the former’s phone, but Kelley doesn’t have an excuse. She’s got a week before the next victory tour game, nothing for Utah in the interim, and no reason to fly back with her team when she could have surely convinced Laura to let her stay on the east coast. It makes no sense, why she’s not staying in the area and spending close to a solid week loved up in her girlfriend’s apartment, but Kelley can’t explain it. 

This is her life, she justifies to herself. She can’t make things hard on her managers, throwing away everyone’s plane ticket reservations, wasting money and fucking schedules up. Her job is her life and it requires her to travel for a living and that’s just how it is. If her girlfriend can’t understand that, then Kelley doesn’t know what to do. 

“You could fly out early,” Mal suggests. “Before the Philadelphia game. Make it up to her.”

Kelley sighs - again. She can’t admit to herself that she’s been so focused on the victory tour, and playing the Thorns after that, that she hasn’t had the space in her mind to seriously entertain the thought that maybe it would be best for her relationship if she made an effort to see her girlfriend in this lucky interim - that she should want to do that regardless of how crammed her brain feels lately. 

“Yeah,” Kelley says. “Yeah, I could do that.”

“You’ve got time to change your flight from Salt Lake,” Mal says. “I know you don’t want to change your plans for right now. But would you want to?”

Kelley is texting back, ignoring the paragraph. She figures that if she can smooth everything over, maybe she won’t have to deal with the blowout she’s currently trying (and failing) to navigate. 

**Kelley O'Hara: **Do you have a minute to look at flights for me to come this weekend? Maybe even Friday?

She knows it’s a bit of a cop out, not looking at flights herself, but she can’t bring herself to do it at the moment. Instead she switches to another message thread, and sends off a text without thinking about it too hard. 

**Kelley O'Hara: **I hope Rose isn’t sending any unflattering photos of me

She gets a text back nearly instantly. 

**Emily Sonnett: **nah you look great as always, a+++

Next come three fire emojis and Kelley tells herself not to read into it; it doesn’t mean anything. It shouldn’t mean anything, not when an incoming text flashes at the top of the screen. 

**Baby: **You can land at 11:37 on Friday.

**Kelley O'Hara: **Buy it with my card info, it should still be saved in your phone

“Better?” Mal asks, drawing Kelley’s attention away from her phone. 

“Yeah,” Kelley says slowly, locking her phone and placing it on the table in front of her, face down, as it buzzes far too soon for it to be her girlfriend. She knows she’s done nothing wrong - in fact, she’s probably doing something very right - but the pit of guilt feels even bigger than before. Instead of trying to figure out why, she just reaches for her coffee. 

“So Rose,” she says loudly. “Let me see these paparazzi shots you've been taking of us.”

*

Kelley just barely manages to dig herself out of the doghouse by the time she takes Christen to the airport Thursday afternoon. She’s flying to Portland to get in a few extra days with Tobin before they set out for Philadelphia, and in return, Christen has arranged for Rachel to take Kelley to the airport in the morning. It’s a shame their flights don’t line up, something Christen voices as she sits in the front seat of Kelley’s car, legs crossed under her with Tobin on speaker.

“Yeah, too bad,” Tobin says, her voice slightly tinny coming from the phone. “Kell, when are you getting to camp?”

It’s a sore subject for Kelley, so she sighs and lets Christen answer for her. 

“It’s a two and a half hour drive from DC,” Christen says, “so her girlfriend is probably going to drive her up.”

“I told her not to,” Kelley says without thinking, without thinking about the fact that she’s just about airing her dirty laundry in front of both of them. “It’s a five hour round trip, at least, and she works all week. Whether it’s Monday night or Tuesday morning…”

Tobin doesn’t say anything for a moment, and Kelley almost thinks the call has dropped. 

“That’s tough,” is all she offers, and Kelley wants to slam her head into the steering wheel. “What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know,” Kelley says, trying to hide the exasperation in her voice. “I’ll figure it out. See when everyone else is getting there and try to sync it up. It just doesn’t make sense to fly, otherwise it would be easy.”

“Well, I just got to the locker room,” Tobin says. 

“Oh no!” Christen exclaims. “Do you have to go?”

“Yeah,” Tobin says, clearly distracted. “I’ll see you when I pick you up, right?”

“Yeah, I’ll text you when I land,” Christen says. 

“I love you,” Tobin says distantly, and then there’s another voice in the background, loud and slightly familiar. 

“Is that Lindsey?” Christen asks, flipping down the visor and opening the mirror to check her eyebrows. “Tell her I say hi.”

“No, it’s Sonnett,” Tobin says. “No Sonnett, it’s just Christen. Chris, she says hi.”

“Tell her Kelley and I say hi,” Christen says, and Kelley hates the way she waits with bated breath for a response of any kind that isn’t guaranteed to come. After all, she’s just a spectator to this conversation, and so is Emily.

“No, Sonnett,” Tobin says again, clearly not addressing the two people on the other end of her phone call. “If you want to pass a message to Kell, call her yourself.”

Kelley’s heart stutters and she’s distracted, enough so that she takes a long second to remember that she needs to get into the rightmost lane to exit the highway. She takes care to put on her blinker and check her mirrors before changing lanes, all the while straining to overhear anything else that might be said. 

There isn’t anything noteworthy, though. Tobin must have done something to push Emily away, and her and Christen exchange goodbyes and I love yous before the call ends. It leaves Kelley feeling slightly bereft, but of what, she isn’t exactly sure. 

She drops Christen off at the airport without any fuss - Christen is good like that, easily lifting her suitcase out of the trunk and letting Kelley come out of the car to hug her goodbye. 

“Let me know when you land safely,” Kelley reminds her. They might not be as tight as they once were, but they both know that they are always there to look out for each other. It’s reassuring, the way Christen waves with a giant smile as she heads into the terminal. Kelley gets back in her still running car and is about to shift into drive when her phone buzzes in the her cupholder - it only takes a second to look at the screen and for the messages to register, the last one sent two minutes beforehand, from a certain person she almost wishes she didn’t have to deal with, just because it’s quickly becoming a lot more complicated than she bargained for. 

**Emily Sonnett: **ugh tobin wouldn’t let me say hi to you! anyway can’t wait to see you next week

**Emily Sonnett: **when are you getting to philly? pdx crew gets in early tuesday and i need a partner to help me desecrate sammy’s room before she arrives

**Emily Sonnett: **i’m thinking fake bed bugs - our night together has me inspired

Kelley takes a deep breath and doesn’t respond, instead opting to drive home while composing all kinds of responses in her head. She doesn’t know why she’s thinking about it this hard - it’s just Em, and they’ve pulled plenty of pranks on their teammates over the last few years. It would be so easy to just agree to set it into motion as soon as she arrives at the team hotel, to offer to buy some plastic or rubber bugs, to shoot off a quick response and not let it weigh on her any more than it has to. 

Instead of doing any of that, she finds herself taking the hard route. 

She finds herself thinking of nothing but that night where they spent a few brief hours sleeping next to each other. They’d been tired, too asleep for it to possibly hold any meaning deeper than the surface level, but Kelley’s been trying not to dwell on it for the last few weeks. It hadn’t meant anything to Emily, at least not that Kelley had been able to detect, which when considering the way she reads into every little interaction they share definitely means something. 

She’s not exactly sure what it means, but it means something. 

It’s not until she’s back at the apartment that she texts back. 

**Kelley O’Hara: **I’ll bring the bugs, you figure out how we’ll get in her room

Hours later, when Kelley’s done packing and should be asleep, she finally gets a response. She hates that she’s spent the better part of her evening compulsively checking her phone every few minutes, wondering why Emily hadn’t answered her. Sure, she’d had practice, but that had been long over and there was no excuse Kelley could think of that wasn’t simply, she didn’t want to answer her. They don’t hold each other to immediate responses, they never have, even during periods of time when they had happened to respond immediately with relative regularity, but for what feels like the first time, Kelley feels restless until her phone finally vibrates with Emily’s text. 

**Emily Sonnett: **don’t you worry your pretty little head about that ;)

Kelley’s stomach dips: she wishes she could call Emily and listen to her smooth voice excitedly drone on and on about all possible ways to accomplish this prank, and she tries not to think about how she’s in bed on her side, the same position she was in when Emily was asleep and breathing against the back of her neck. She doesn’t want to be thinking about this, but it’s got her nerves spiking with anticipation as she considers responding. 

She’s got to get up early though, if she wants Rachel to take her to the airport. She’ll be in her girlfriend’s arms in approximately twelve hours - she’s taken an afternoon off of work for this and hasn’t let Kelley forget it, hasn’t let Kelley forget that she’s going out of her way and that needs appreciating. Kelley needs to be excited to see her girlfriend, needs any excitement directed towards that particular future event. There’s no reason for her to be looking forward to Tuesday morning, but she’s already lamenting the fact that the Portland crew won’t be there Monday night - it will be a good chunk of her Monday night without some of her closest friends, she tells herself. That’s why she’s lamenting the circumstances, she tells herself. 

It’s a mix of emotions running through her and Kelley doesn’t know what to do. It only takes a few moments for her to decide what to do, a few moments during which she returns to the home screen of all her messages, and sees her thread with her girlfriend from earlier, seeing the last message exchanged between them. It’s seals things for the night, finalizes Kelley’s decision, and reassures her of everything she already knows. 

**Baby: **Goodnight Kell, I love you! Can’t wait to see you tomorrow!

Kelley knows that she shouldn’t be thinking of the next time she can get in bed with Emily. She knows that. But then she dreams of beds and bugs and unbalanced hugs, and she wakes up a little unsure of everything except the decision to refocus her attention. After all - she’s got a girlfriend who is probably more than willing to deliver in the back rub category. 

Probably, Kelley thinks. She’s probably willing. 

She is, Kelley discovers that afternoon, when she’s sprawled out naked across crisp white sheets, air conditioning raising goosebumps along her spine. 

“I love you,” her girlfriend says, tracing circles over Kelley’s shoulder blades. “I’m so glad you came, you know.”

Kelley doesn’t want to have to answer - she just wants to feel focused, to feel committed, to feel like she’s finally got her feelings under control. It’s all she wants, she thinks, dragging herself out of her post-orgasm haze and kissing the soft skin of her girlfriend’s inner thighs. 

All she wants is to get this mess under control. 


	2. two

If there’s one thing that Emily Sonnett is uncommonly grateful for, it’s the fact that she’s often able to get a prank to go off without so much as a hitch. 

Sam screams bloody murder when she peels back her covers that night, audible from down the hallway where Emily is lingering in Rose and Abby’s doorway. They’re all supposed to separate soon, head to their own rooms, but Mal and Lindsey were easily persuaded to wait until Moe sent them the go-ahead text that Sam was ready for bed. It’s exhilarating when they all burst out laughing, deep belly laughs that make Rose exclaim that she thinks she might pee her pants. Sam bursts out of her room only minutes later, presumably once she’s bullied Moe for the details of the origin of the prank, and pounces on the group of them in a way that is very reminiscent of a baby Simba, trying and failing to be tough. 

“You know I hate bugs!” she exclaims, arms waving like she’s a windmill, gesticulating wildly. “Who was behind this? Lindsey? Sonny?”

“No way,” Lindsey says defensively. “I would never!”

“I saw you whispering with Moe earlier,” Sam says, now shaking a finger in their faces. Rose is doubled over in laughter, Abby giggling nearly silently as she supports her, keeps her from falling on her face. It’s hard to take Sam seriously when she looks so seriously shell-shocked, her hair pulled back for bed and wearing a giant t-shirt that can only be from Pat. “Tell me the truth!”

“It wasn’t us!” Emily chimes in, trying to school her expression into one of complete and utter innocence. She knows it isn’t her most natural expression and she’s sure it keeps slipping, mostly because it’s too hard to stop laughing when Rose is practically crying at this point. “I promise, I didn’t step foot in your room.”

“Someone did,” Sam says, and it’s beyond comical as she tries to send them all scathing glares. “I’m going to get to the bottom of this!”

She stomps back off in the direction of her room. 

“I really hope Moe lets her in,” Mal says, the only one of them that isn’t totally crazed-looking at the moment. 

“That was a smart idea, Son,” Lindsey says. “Having Kelley put the bugs in and then having her not be here with us. Sam will literally never get to the bottom of this.”

It’s playful mocking that sets them all off on another round of laughter, but Emily’s feels a bit forced - not having Kelley there hadn’t exactly been her choice, but she’d been whisked away for a late dinner with Alex and Allie. She’d asked Emily to let her know how the prank went, apologized for not being able to stick around to see it happen, and Emily had done her best to brush off the slight affront at the situation. In the end, she supposes she should just be thankful that Lindsey had been able to slip Kelley Moe’s room key during a team meeting earlier, and that Kelley had been able to singlehandedly fill Sam’s bed with some of the most realistic bugs they’d ever seen while most of the team went out for their normally timed dinners. 

Emily isn’t bothered, not at all, not when she finally returns to her room to find Tierna finishing up her phone call with her girlfriend. 

“Oh, good timing,” Emily remarks as she begins rifling through her suitcase. 

“How’d your prank go?” Tierna asks, unmuting the tv and letting the sounds of some old sitcom fill the room. 

“Better than imaginable, honestly,” Emily admits. “We pulled the whole thing off flawlessly - you should have seen Sam raging down the hall, she was furious.”

“You should have filmed it,” Tierna says while Emily heads to the bathroom to change. “Of all the things to not have on camera…”

“I know, but Sammy’s usually the one filming,” Emily calls out. Once she’s changed, she washes her face and brushes her teeth. It never takes her long to go through her routine - she’s about as low maintenance as it gets, something she tends to take pride in - and she’s in bed before long. 

“Do you want me to set an alarm?” Tierna asks, already starting to lay down, her bedside lamp off so that the tv screen is the only thing illuminating the room. 

“I’ve got one, but feel free to set your own,” Emily says, plugging her phone in to its charger. “Is this Golden Girls?”

“I’ve got a soft spot for Dorothy,” is Tierna’s answer. “Want me to turn it off?”

“Nah, leave it,” Emily says, relaxing on her left side, still able to see the four ladies gathered around their breakfast table. “Kelley’s always watching this show, she says Sophia is her favorite.”

It’s not long before Tierna is asleep, always quiet and still (she’s really one of the best roommates, Emily thinks, even though she misses having Mal and Kelley with her in France) and Emily is glancing at the time, knowing that she should shut the tv off after this episode and call it a night. Her phone lies silently on the bed next to her, half-tucked under her pillow, and it’s tempting to unlock it to type out a message to someone who never answered her earlier. 

She wonders if she’s done something wrong, but it’s the wrong thing to wonder. Lindsey keeps telling her that it’s not about her, that whatever is going on with Kelley is about Kelley, and that friendships ebb and flow and it’s perfectly normal to not feel close with people sometimes. Emily understands, remembers how Lindsey had felt when Emily was in Georgia during the off season, and keeps reminding herself that it’s not about her. 

But that’s perhaps the worst part. 

It’s not about her. 

No matter how badly she wants it to be about her, it just isn’t. She doesn’t play a big enough part in her life at the end of a day to make a difference, and Emily can only try to make peace with that. It seems cheap and melodramatic and she’s never been one for such things, but there always seems to be an exception for those kinds of things when Kelley O’Hara is involved. Long ago she’d accepted the fact that she’d probably always have some small degree of feelings for Kelley, but she’s spent a long time reconciling the fact that sometimes a crush is just that, and there’s no guarantee things would work or even be worth it, and it’s perfectly normal to have a crush on someone with perfect hair and freckles that disappear under the neckline of her sports bras. 

It’s perfectly normal for those kinds of feelings to never completely go away. 

Emily tells herself that for the thousandth time, because she’s been telling herself that every night for nearly four years now, and she’s pretty certain she believes it now. 

She doesn’t unlock her phone. She pushes it further under her pillow and turns off the tv so she can fall asleep quickly, the way she does every single night. 

*

Without remembering exactly when it started, Emily has dozens of scattered memories of crushing on Kelley O’Hara. She’s sure it didn’t take long after they first met, but when it started isn’t important; what’s important is the way Emily still, nearly four years later, gets momentarily starstruck whenever Kelley walks into a room. It’s silly, she knows, and she’s usually able to play it off as a joke, her personality making it incredibly easy for it to seem as though the way she looks at Kelley isn’t serious. But every time Kelley walks into a room that Emily is occupying, she can’t help but feel unsettled until she’s already given her a once over. 

It’s just how it is. 

It had gotten bad for a while, when they’d spent too much time together in the off-season: too much time in Georgia together, and then too many Facetimes during the time they spent apart. Emily had felt glued to her phone for a bit, more than usual, and hadn’t realized until Lindsey had made a comment that left her feeling sour inside - spoiled and rotten, like she’d done something sick and horrible. The worst part about it, though, was that Emily wasn’t the one who’d pulled back, who had changed their habits, who had kept them from crossing a line into codependency. They’d gone from almost falling asleep on the phone together while watching Friends reruns to texting updates about which episodes had made them laugh the most. Emily had come out the other end of it relatively unscathed, except during a two week period that had her feeling a way she never wanted to feel ever again. 

It had started with the conversation with Lindsey. They were Facetiming, trying to coordinate when they would see each other next, when a message flashed at the top of Emily’s phone screen and she’d pulled it down automatically, without even thinking about putting Lindsey on pause. 

“Kelley?” Lindsey had asked, and Emily almost didn’t register it until she’d sent off a reply. “It’s Kelley again, isn’t it.”

The second part hadn’t been a question, and Emily had returned to the call to see Lindsey wearing a look of slight disappointment. It wasn’t hard, something told her that Lindsey understood and wasn’t about to judge because they never judged when it came to serious things, but something about it still had Emily feeling ashamed. 

“I’m sorry,” Emily had said quickly, and after a moment of convincing, Lindsey finally opened up to say what she had been thinking. 

“I know you two are close,” she’d said, carefully in a way that knotted Emily’s stomach up. “Did she tell you she’s heading to DC for a bit?”

There was a girl, Emily had known, but she hadn’t known the full story, just that there was a history and Kelley had never given any indication that she existed. It was strange, really, how Kelley had almost seemed to be hiding her from Emily until it was too late and everyone knew and it was very clear that Emily already knew. It was cowardly and she hated it, hated that the two of them were supposed to be close and yet Kelley hadn’t bothered to tell her about it at all. Sure, maybe their friendship wasn’t full of deep feelings and late night conversations about ego and mentality, but still - Emily hadn’t thought that it was something Kelley would hide from her. 

The two weeks following that particular information, the one that told Emily with a negligible amount of room for doubt or questioning that Kelley was at the very least extremely emotionally unavailable for the taking, weren’t fun. She was angry with herself for feeling the way she did, for hoping for something she couldn’t even acknowledge she’d been hoping for, for wanting something she knew she had no right to want. She was angry with herself for being angry, for somehow,  _ somehow  _ wanting Kelley to read her mind and know how she felt better she Emily knew herself. It wasn’t fair, she had thought, the way Kelley had suddenly become the one taking longer and longer to respond to texts, the one who had stopped initiating any calls, the one who wasn’t leaving funny comments on her Instagram posts anymore. 

So Emily got over it. She worked hard at pushing those feelings away, rationalizing things to herself, until she really and truly was mostly over it. There will always be a part of her that has a crush on a one Miss Kelley O’Hara, but that part gets smaller and smaller everyday. The meaningless flirtations never quite came back, but it’s gotten easier to joke around with each other. 

But lately, Kelley’s been texting back with a higher frequency and shorter response times. She actually initiates spending time together, and Emily would be lying if she said part of her wasn’t scared - scared of somehow going back to how she used to feel, where she was unknowingly pinning all these hopes and dreams onto a person that never gave her a single bit of assurance that she had done anything to deserve it. 

No, Emily decides the next morning. She’s over those feelings, has moved past thinking that she knows Kelley better than she thinks she does, past thinking that she’s seen a side to Kelley that she really hasn’t. They’re friends, so close that Emily wonders at times if she can confidently call Kelley a best friend, but that’s all there is to it. 

It’s not until she goes down to find some breakfast that she remembers, with startling clarity, that it doesn’t matter what she feels at all. 

Kelley still has a girlfriend that she loves very, very much. 

*

Mal is rooming with Kelley, something that she’s abruptly reminded of when she goes down to get breakfast and sees the two of them sitting in the lobby. Mal had texted her, asking if she wanted to go to a place whose Yelp reviews say they have killer avocado toast, and it hadn’t taken any further convincing. She’d asked Tierna if she’d wanted to go but her roommate wanted to catch up on her reading while most people slept in and Emily was fine with that. 

“Where’s everyone else?” she asks, glancing at Kelley who’s inordinately focused on the text she appears to be composing. 

“No one else responded,” Mal says with a shrug, which is fair - it’s still early and those who are up probably aren’t too interested in trekking out into an unfamiliar city just for some fancy toast. “You know how Rose needs her beauty sleep, and Lindsey is rooming with Alex.”

“Who’s probably getting in her beauty sleep,” Emily finishes. “Okay, fair. Are we walking?”

“It’s only like, less than a mile away,” Mal says, and she’s lucky that neither Emily nor Kelley are in the mood to protest, and they set out for the street without much further ado. 

Emily doesn’t know what’s up with Kelley, or why she’s there, as she walks a couple of paces behind them with her eyes buried in her phone screen the entire time. She doesn’t mind too much - Mal is good company who wakes Emily up with the way her eyes go big as she relays the way she told Kelley about the way the prank turned out. 

“She really did us a solid,” Mal says enthusiastically, far too awake to not have had any coffee yet. “I seriously am still worried that Sam is going to come after us during open practice today.”

“Oh, so that’s why we’re going out to breakfast,” Emily says. “We’re keeping away from the wrath of Sam Mewis.”

Mal shoves her and she stumbles off the sidewalk into the street a bit, and they’re lucky there isn’t any traffic. 

“Stop it!” Mal protests. “I’m not like, scared or her or anything.”

Emily snickers, hands pushed into the front pockets of her jean shorts. 

“I’m going to tell everyone you’re scared of the giant Sam Mewis,” Emily tells her. 

“You’re so mean,” Mal whines. “Come on, I’m not scared! I just don’t want her thinking it was me when it wasn’t!”

“Right, like you had nothing to do with it,” Emily says. 

“You know I didn’t,” Mal maintains. 

“But she doesn’t,” Emily reminds her, earning a scowl.

“You’re mean,” she says, and then the conversation switches to how Mal’s boyfriend is doing. It’s not a particularly thrilling conversation, but Emily does care an iota about baseball sometimes, so she listens and makes fun of Mal for not knowing all the right terms. 

“I’ve been trying!” she cries out as they get to the restaurant, Emily pulling the door open for her companions to file through. “It’s just such a boring sport sometimes!”

Kelley looks up as she passes in front of Emily. 

“Thanks,” she says, and her smile is small but genuine, and even though she’s clearly got her head in the clouds, the expression on her face makes Emily think for just a second that maybe she’s brought her back down. She just nods in response, a closed-mouth smile that Kelley misses as she follows Mal to the registers. They order and then sit down to wait for their food, and Kelley remains occupied with her phone, seemingly reading a text thread that Emily could peer closer at if she wanted to, but she doesn’t. 

“Anyway, the things we do for love,” Mal saya, continuing on with their conversation as she scoots her chair closer to the table. They’re all armed with iced coffees, and Emily sucks hers from the straw as Mal waves her cup in the air while she speaks. “Speaking of which - can you please convince this one here that I’d totally be willing to bunk with you or Rose and Abby so her girlfriend can come visit and they can stop fighting about nothing?”

It’s a loaded sentence, one that Emily takes her time dissecting while Kelley, still, taps away at her phone. 

“You don’t want to stay with Sam?” she jokes. “There might still be a few bugs in her bed, if you’re lucky.”

Mal throws her balled up straw wrapper at Emily’s face, missing narrowly. 

“Seriously, tell her,” Mal pushes. “I’m so tired of their relationship drama!”

Emily, who has no idea what Mal is talking about, just takes another gulp of iced coffee. 

“It’s not relationship drama,” Kelley mumbles, staring at her phone.

“Then why have the two of you been text fighting since before you got back to the room last night?” Mal challenges. “Look Kelley, I get it, I’m dating a professional athlete too. It’s hard, we all know that. You’ve got to make an effort for each other! It makes all the difference!”

Kelley sighs putting her phone down on the table and finally reaching for her coffee. There’s condensation running down the sides of the plastic cup, her fingers smearing into it as she takes a sip before responding. 

“I just saw her,” Kelley says, and there’s something weary in her tone. “I know she misses me, and that’s fine, but I can’t be there whenever she wants.”

“Yeah but she can drive up for the game, can’t she?” Mal keeps at it. Emily isn’t sure where she fits into the conversation, so she strains her neck to try and see if three orders of avocado toast happen to be coming their way. She does her best to tune out the conversation but it’s fruitless - Mal is too loud and she’s too attuned to Kelley’s voice. 

“She works, and then we fly out for the next game the next morning,” Kelley says. 

“Just give her one night,” Mal starts to say. 

“I just gave her like, four nights!” Kelley says, her volume raised. “I’m really trying not to be a bitch, or a bad girlfriend, but I can’t give her my time whenever she wants it!”

Mal doesn’t say anything, and Emily glances at them, trying to determine if she needs to diffuse the rising tension level. But then Kelley is taking a deep breath and regrouping, and the next thing she says manages to relax things just enough. 

“I’m not going to kick you out of your room,” she says calmly. 

“It’s fine,” Mal says, shaking her head. “I can stay with Emily, right?”

She elbows Emily, who just wants this conversation to be over. 

“Yep!” she says as brightly as she can. “Totally. I’m totally bed bug free - so far.”

A reluctant smile seems to appear on Kelley’s face. 

“As long as you don’t touch my bed,” Mal says, directing the statement to Kelley. “Gross.”

Kelley wrinkles her nose. 

“Mal, I would never,” she says. 

Emily swallows thickly. 

“Mal,” she says, trying to keep her tone as light as she can, “don’t act like that’s gross, don’t act like you’ve never got up to anything in a hotel room.”

“I haven’t!” Mal says indignantly, but backs down after a moment. “Nothing physically, in a hotel room I was sharing with you guys, at least.”

“Stop,” Kelley jokes, holding her hands up to her ears. “You’re still a baby, I don’t want to hear it.”

“Kelley can do whatever she wants, right?” Emily says, crossing her legs in her chair under her and shooting Kelley the best wink she can manage. “She’s a big girl now.”

“I’ve been a big girl for a while,” Kelley responds with raised eyebrows, and there’s something in her eyes that seems familiar, reminiscent of an older time. “And trust me, if I wanted to get up to anything in that hotel room, I would."

Emily’s breath catches in her throat, and she nearly forgets her resolve, nearly forgets that Mal is at the table with them, nearly forgets that there’s no way Kelley is at all thinking what Emily is about to be thinking - 

But then she’s saved by the arrival of their breakfast, and she makes a big show out of thoroughly enjoying every single bite, narrating the entire process as though she’s on a Food Network show until Mal is pinching her forearm and demanding she stop while Kelley laughs hard enough to make Emily smile widely. She distracts herself with a conversation about the pros and cons of buying avocados at Trader Joe’s versus Whole Foods, and she makes it the rest of the morning without thinking about Kelley in a hotel room doing whatever she wants to do. 

In fact, the rest of the day goes incredibly well. Everyone seems to be in excellent spirits at open practice, and Emily stands near goal with Rose while some of the older players take their sweet time signing things for fans. There are an exceptionally large amount of signs begging for a picture with Christen, and Tobin is eyeing her from a distance while conversing with Ashlyn and Pinoe, and when Becky jogs over with a serious expression on her face, Rose’s knees just about buckle. 

“Oh God, I know I’m in trouble,” she says while Emily laughs at her. “What did I do this time?”

“Coach wants you with Lindsey,” Becky says, jerking a thumb towards the bench.

“Damn, I really thought no one could see us,” Emily says, turning her head to see that Alyssa has moved on from taking practice shots from Jess and Mal. She’d been affording them a certain degree of protection from Jill’s beady eyes, but now that the white netting is all that hides them from view, it’s rather easy to see why Rose is being asked for. 

“Save me in five,” Rose tries to whisper out of the side of her mouth, and Emily tries to smother a laugh into her bicep while wiping sweat from her upper lip. 

“Are we going to be getting in any real practice at any point?” she wonders aloud, and Becky shakes her head. 

“Do we ever at these things?” she asks rhetorically, and they make their way back towards everyone else - keeping a distance hardly makes sense at this point, especially since Emily knows that Becky’s not exactly going to become her next partner in crime. She searches for Mal, wondering where she’s gone now that she’s done shooting, and misses Becky leaving her side until someone pops up, tall and imposing. 

“I know it was you.”

Emily jumps nearly a foot into the air and clutches her chest. 

“Jesus, Sam!” she exclaims. “Warn a girl, will you?”

Sam looks far too pleased with herself for scaring her. 

“I know you’re the one who put those fake bugs in my bed,” she says. 

“How would you know?” Emily asks. “Especially since I didn’t do it.”

“Because it’s exactly the kind of thing you and Lindsey would do,” Sam says. 

“Try again,” Emily says with a grin, intercepting a random soccer ball that looks like it might have been directed towards a particularly large and empty stretch of field. 

Sam isn’t buying it. 

“Who else would be able to get into the room?” Sam asks, crossing her arms over her chest. “I’m assuming they had to go through Moe, and Lindsey and you are the most likely candidates.”

“Oh yeah,” Emily says, kicking the ball up into her hands. “Totally, we’re the only ones that talk to her.”

Sam’s self-assured expression falters slightly as someone walks over, just visible in Emily’s peripheral. She glances to the side to see who it is, a little surprised to see Kelley. 

“You have my ball,” she says, hands on her hips. 

Emily looks at her for a second before looking at Sam. 

“Kind of seemed like it was up for grabs,” she says. “Right, Sam?”

Sam just rolls her eyes. 

“Seeing as how it was kicked into the middle of nowhere,” Emily adds. 

“Maybe I was aiming for you,” Kelley says.

Sam says something about going to sign some more and Emily turns to follow her, intent on convincing her that it wasn’t her who put the bugs in her bed - because technically it wasn’t, Kelley was the one who actually did it, which is perfect because Sam will never have the balls to accuse her of anything - when Kelley’s voice hits her. 

“Wait, where are you going?”

Emily’s head jerks around to see Kelley standing there, the slightest hint of a frown on her face, and it’s hard not to stop in her tracks. 

“What?” Emily asks, confused. “Are you serious about the ball? Because really Kell, it kind of just rolled over here. Besides, there are a million more.”

“Maybe I wanted your attention,” Kelley says, as if it should be obvious, and Emily feels the tips of her ears burn slightly. It’s almost automatic, the way she realigns her body to face Kelley directly. 

“Oh?” she asks. “Is that so? And what could you possibly want with me?”

Kelley adjust the sleeves of her training top, pushed up on her shoulders - why she doesn’t wear the training tanks all the time is beyond Emily, but she’s given her a hard time about it more than once before and never got a straight answer - and Emily tries her best not to let her eyes linger on the curve of her biceps. Kelley’s got nice arms, without a doubt, but so does nearly everyone on the team and Emily really has no reason for looking at Kelley’s in particular. No reason at all, she thinks, instead landing her gaze on Kelley’s neck, bare with her hair tied up in a bun. 

“Maybe I just want your company,” Kelley says. “Maybe I missed hanging out with everyone last night. Maybe I missed getting to hear Sam scream like Mal told me she did.”

“Be glad you weren’t there so she can’t suspect you,” Emily says. “She’s been accusing me every chance she gets.”

“Hm,” Kelley says, tapping her chin with an index finger and looking past Emily to where Sam had gone. “You know, maybe I’ll tell her it was you. That way, she definitely won’t suspect it was me.”

“You wouldn’t,” Emily gasps, pretending to be shocked. “That would be so cruel!”

Kelley smirks in that way of hers that makes it hard for Emily to take her seriously. 

“I would,” she says. “Speaking of which, what happened to the bugs? I was hoping to reuse them.”

“I think Moe helped Sam collect them all,” Emily. “Why? I don’t think we can fool her again.”

“No, not for Sam,” Kelley says. “Kind of wanted to try it on you in the future. You know, once you’re forgotten all about me having them.”

“If you want to get me in your bed again, Kell, all you have to do is ask,” Emily jokes, and it comes so naturally the way their banter always has, but something in Kelley’s eyes goes dark and it has her thinking that maybe she said something wrong. She wants to take it back, or at least say something else to keep Kelley from thinking that she meant it in any kind of way, but she herself isn’t entirely sure of how she meant it, so she ends up letting the silence between them stretch way longer than is comfortable. 

“I think I’m supposed to save Rose from the coaching staff,” Emily says, making a big show out of using her hand to shade the sun from her eyes so she can peer at one of the groups of girls. 

“Fine, if you insist on leaving me,” Kelley says, and there’s nothing in her tone to indicate her feeling any bit of negativity, but Emily somehow gets a weird vibe from the statement and gives her the best smile she can. 

“We always find each other again,” Emily tells her. “Don’t worry, you’ll get my company later.”

Kelley doesn’t look entirely pleased when Emily jogs off, having spotted Lindsey’s giant head and assuming that Rose isn’t far away from her, but she does her best to not think about it too hard. After all, Kelley’s got a girlfriend to please and Emily should really be worrying about anything besides taking it upon herself to make sure Kelley’s wearing a smile at all times - no matter how nice that would be. 

*

That night almost everyone opts to stay in. It’s not that they’re banned from venturing outside after a team dinner brought to them in one of the conference rooms of the hotel, but it’s implicitly understood that they’re to behave and take things easy before the game the following day. A good portion of them wind up in Kelley and Mal’s room and Emily hesitates before letting Lindsey drag her down the hall, only because of the couple of comments exchanged between her and Kelley earlier in the day. 

But she’s who she is for a reason, and after she darts back into her room to grab a hair tie and invite Tierna to hang out with them - she wants to Facetime her girlfriend but says she might come by later, which is good enough for Emily - she feels fine, like she’s just going to hang out with her friends. Which really, she is, and it’s not long until Lindsey is making her laugh over a story involving her brother and a bowl of oatmeal, and then she’s walking into Kelley and Mal’s room like nothing was ever wrong. 

Really, nothing was ever wrong. It’s not hard for Emily to get her feelings under control, and this particular feeling is one she's got plenty of experience with squashing out. She can handle a couple of suggestive comments - she’s practically the queen of making them, after all. 

The room isn’t exactly crowded but space on the beds is tight, with Kelley sprawled out across her own, Abby sitting up on the other side of the bed closest to the window, and Rose at Abby’s feet with her head hanging off the end of the mattress for no discernable room. Sam is trying (and failing) to get under the covers of Mal’s bed, claiming exhaustion as Mal and Moe try to yank her up. 

“What’s going on?” Emily asks, surveying the situation with a hand on her hip. “Can I help?”

Mal lets go of Sam’s leg, an expression of relief on her face. 

“No, but I’ve never been so happy to see Lindsey in my life,” she says. “We need some real manpower over here and you’re like, the only one who can fight her.”

“I’m not fighting anyone,” Lindsey says, holding her hands up defensively. 

“Hello? I need help over here,” Moe says, forgetting about stopping Sam long enough to allow her to complete her mission. 

“Finally,” Sam says, burying her head into a pillow. “I haven’t felt safe in my own bed this entire trip.”

“It’s been like, one night,” Emily points out. 

“And?” Sam shoots back. “Look, I need a good night's sleep before tomorrow! I’m never going to get that in the bug bed!”

“You’re ridiculous,” Abby calls from the other side of the room. “Take one of Rose’s Benadryl.”

“I have allergies,” Rose defends needlessly. 

“No one is questioning that,” Emily tells her, sitting down in the chair in front of the desk, slumping against the hard back and letting her thighs fall wide apart. “Seriously Sammy, not a bad idea.”

“I’m tired of being bullied,” Sam mutters under her breath. 

Lindsey wastes no time in fighting her off the bed, and Emily wastes no time in cheering them on. 

“I thought you said no fighting!” Moe cries out, standing over them like a boxing referee. 

“Kids,” Kelley says in a voice that probably sounds monotone to everyone except Emily who can hear the slight undercurrent of amusement there. “Come on, don’t make me break it up.”

Lindsey roughly deposits Sam on the floor, leaving Mal and Moe to promptly climb in the bed and snuggle up to each other. 

“Come here, Linds,” Moe says with grabby hands. “Come keep us warm.”

“Wow, I feel left out,” Emily jokes. 

“Join the club,” Sam grumbles, finally getting off the floor and rubbing her head. “You guys are the worst.”

“Here, keep my chair warm while I go to the bathroom,” Emily says, getting up. “I had way too much coffee with dinner.”

“Gross,” Rose says. “No one wants to know what you do behind closed doors.”

“Maybe some people do,” Emily says as she heads for the small bathroom, shutting the door behind her as Mal calls out - 

“Don’t touch my air freshener!”

Emily rolls her eyes at the air freshener that’s been propped up on the back of the toilet. It doesn’t take her very long at all, the door surprisingly thick and making it difficult to hear exactly what everyone is saying out in the room. It’s just a cacophony of voices talking over each other, and when she opens the door after flushing, she stops abruptly upon seeing Kelley standing by the little sink, the room partition hiding them from view. 

“Mind if I wash my hands?” Emily asks with a short laugh, holding them up to show Kelley. 

“I’m not stopping you,” Kelley says, leaning back against the partition wall. She looks soft, dressed in Under Armor sweatpants and a baggy shirt. “Did you not get my texts earlier?”

Emily frowns as she turns on the faucet. 

“I might have had low battery earlier,” she says. “Maybe it died? Why, what did you say?”

She’s hard pressed to think of anything Kelley could have needed to text her, especially since they’ve been in the vicinity of each other practically all day, but she’s suddenly feeling the weight of her phone in her sweats and wondering if she should check it. Surely whatever Kelley had to say couldn’t have been very important, not if she’s yet to bring it up. The two of them don’t do that - if they’ve got something they want to say to each other, they say it. The only things that have so far gone unsaid between the two of them are the things they don’t want to say - like Kelley not telling Emily when she first got serious with her girlfriend. 

Of course, Emily still isn’t exactly sure why Kelley hadn’t wanted to tell her about that, but she’s past asking herself why. She’d done that for the couple of weeks afterwards, when she was wallowing and lamenting the loss of something that wasn’t quite identifiable, but at this point she’s come to accept that she’s not meant to understand certain things and she’s definitely not entitled to any kind of explanation. 

“Nothing,” Kelley says, watching Emily dry her hands on a white towel. “I just didn’t know why you didn’t text me back, I guess.”

Curiosity runs through Emily, and she watches Kelley head back to her bed, several steps behind. She settles on Sam’s lap, welcomed easily into the fold and trying to follow a conversation about Rose’s Amazon shipping woes. 

“Like, you specifically tell them to drop it off at the door,” Rose is saying, hands motioning in the vague outline of a package. “And then they deliver it to the apartment’s office! At like, five minutes before the office closes on a Friday! So you have to wait until Monday to get your toilet paper!”

Mal is rolling her eyes, sunk down in her bed and texting. 

“Rose, you know you can buy toilet paper at a store, right?” Emily says loudly, prompting a round of laughs from the room. She tries not to look too closely at Kelley who is reclined casually with her arms crossed, thumbs tucked under her armpits, hair down and flowing over her left shoulder. 

“Some of us don’t want to be seen carrying it,” Rose says with a pout. 

“More like she can’t actually carry something that big,” Mal calls out, thumbs still flying. She’s not the only one on her phone - Abby is doing something on hers and Moe’s is laying on her lap, where she keeps picking it up and putting it down, and it makes Emily wonder if she can discreetly pull hers out to check if it is indeed dead, and if not, what Kelley had texted her earlier that was worth asking about. It feels like a lead weight in her pocket, and she doesn’t think she can manage it without Kelley seeing her so she resolves to just check it later. 

After all, she’s already decided that it can’t be that important. 

Of course, Kelley is the one who decides when it’s time for everyone to head back to their own rooms. It’s approaching ten thirty when she taps out, setting her alarm and kicking Mal off her bed - she’d ended up there for reasons unknown and Emily doesn’t really care, seeing as how it warranted her a spot next to Lindsey, where she’s been cuddled up for the better part of an hour. It had given her enough cover to check her phone which was in fact dead, and she hadn’t wanted to bother plugging it into one of the chargers slung over the nightstand between the beds. 

“Okay,” Mal announces, standing in the middle of the room and clapping loudly. “Everybody out!”

Nobody moves, but everybody laughs. 

“Seriously, guys,” Kelley says through her own chuckle. “Get some sleep.”

“I’m not tired,” Rose says from where she’s curled up in the desk chair, where she’s been noticeably yawning for the last ten minutes. 

“Come on,” Sammy says, getting up from where she’s been sprawled out on the floor. “Need me to carry you?”

“I’ll take a piggyback,” Rose says, and it’s the most alert she’s been in a while, stretching her arms out in Sam’s general direction. They all slowly make their way out of the room, and Emily doesn’t even realize she’s almost the last one left, talking to Mal about the pros and cons of owning houseplants, until Lindsey grabs her arm and yanks. 

“What the hell?” Emily says, snatching her arm back. 

“Let’s go,” Lindsey says. “Alex is going to be pissed if I keep her up.”

“Tell Alex she could probably do with a little less beauty sleep,” Kelley says, snuggled into her pillow, eyes closed but voice awake. “She’s so bossy, isn’t she?”

Emily snorts without meaning to. “As if you’re one to talk!”

Kelley’s eyes fly open and there’s a mischievous look in them. 

“Yeah, but you like it when I’m bossy,” she says smugly, propping herself up on her left elbow. “Right, Mal?”

Part of Emily feels like she’s getting whiplash from her interactions with Kelley, Kelley who’s been off her phone for the majority of the night. She almost wonders if things with her girlfriend are okay now, but quickly realizes that it’s not her job to wonder things like that, and instead focuses on the way Mal is scoffing and answering. 

“I’d like you more if you let me stay up later,” she says. “Come on Emily, what do you say you stay so we can remind Kelley of all the good times we had together?”

Kelley fumbles and ends up dropping her phone on the ground, charging cord still attached. 

“Fuck!” she says under her breath. “I really hope I didn’t break that.”

“I’m going to pass for now,” Emily says. “Maybe another night, when Kell isn’t so temperamental.”

“I’m not temperamental,” Kelley nearly snaps, examining her charging port. “I broke my last charger by dropping my phone, so - “

“It’s fine,” Lindsey says, clearly over the conversation. “Em says, sorry, okay? We’ll see you guys in the morning.”

It’s not long before Emily is back in her own room. The first thing she does is plug her phone in, giving it a chance to reboot while she gets ready for bed. Tierna is still awake, listening to something on her phone, and she waves a hello that Emily returns with a smile. By the time she gets under the covers, her phone is charged enough for her to work with. The first thing she does is navigate through her unread messages (there aren’t too many, just from her parents and sister and grandparents, all of them more than likely wishing her luck before the game tomorrow, and a video Moe had taken of Rose trying to best Lindsey in an arm-wrestling competition that had ended as horribly as Emily had predicted) to find Kelley’s where she is a little surprised to see the unusually large amount of gray encapsulating an unusually large amount of text. 

**Kelley O’Hara: ** I’m sorry if I was weird earlier at open practice, it’s just been a weird day. 

**Kelley O’Hara: ** I’m now realizing that I was probably rude and also weird at breakfast. I really didn’t mean to be. 

**Kelley O’Hara: ** We haven’t gotten to spend nearly enough time together lately. Do you want to come to my room later maybe? If you don’t mind Mal. Or I can always try to get rid of her - her body is small enough to hide. 

**Kelley O’Hara: ** Mal invited everyone over so I hope you’re coming. I’m sorry if I offended you. Am I overthinking it? Anyway. Miss you, Em. 

Emily feels somewhat small as she tries to figure out a decent response, something to make up for the fact that these clearly were some important messages she’d missed. She’s a little unclear on why Kelley hadn’t said anything back in the room, if she’d really been in her feelings enough to send four texts in a row - common for Emily, virtually unheard of for Kelley - and she considers revisiting her theory on Kelley neglecting to mention things that she doesn’t want to talk about. Maybe she’d changed her mind, Emily thinks, trying to figure out the odds of Kelley being asleep already. Maybe Kelley had wanted Emily to respond to the texts but didn’t want to talk about it in person. Maybe - 

She’s putting way too much thought into this. She tells herself to get a grip, get it together, and send a text that won’t do more harm than good while also taking into account the fact that Kelley is quite possibly fast asleep already. 

**Emily Sonnett : ** those were the most formal texts you’ve sent me in years 

She thinks it’s funny, harkening back to a text Kelley had flippantly sent her not too long ago, but when she watches a typing bubble appear and then disappear without any text appearing, she wonders if Kelley disagrees. 

So she tries again, trying her best to take this seriously, the way Kelley seems to be taking it. 

**Emily Sonnett : ** i’m sorry i didn’t get these earlier. we can do something tomorrow? before the game?

When Kelley finally responds, Emily has just about given up on waiting for a response. Tierna is fast asleep and Emily’s nodding off, thinking that maybe the reason Kelley’s text never sent was because she fell asleep mid-composition. But then her phone vibrates once, and she fumbles for it so fast she nearly drops it - it reminds her for a second of how Kelley had done the same thing earlier. 

**Kelley O’Hara: ** I would like that

There’s no smiley face or emoji of any kind, making it feel unusually solemn, but Emily drinks it in and wonder if there’s any point to saying anything in return. She’s nearly asleep after all, her brain cells barely functioning at the moment. But then the phone vibrates again as another text appears, and instead of answering her question, it just raises a dozen more. 

**Kelley O’Hara: ** Be in the hall bright and early. 7am. I’ve got a surprise. 

If Emily hadn’t spent years learning to control herself around Kelley, if she hadn’t had such practice with brushing her feelings under the rug, if she hadn’t nearly perfected the way she reacts to nearly everything Kelley does and says, then maybe - just maybe - she would let herself stay up and think about all the implications there. It could waste away a night of sleep, keep her awake while contemplating all the things they could possibly do and why Kelley thinks it needs to be a secret. 

But she has spent years doing those things. She’s worked too hard to take a step back now. 

So Emily locks her phone for the night and closes her eyes, and falls asleep almost as quickly as she usually does. 

*

Despite the fact that she knows she should be focused on getting the start, on being thankful that she’s definitely going to get the chance to play, on taking advantage of the opportunity to prove that she deserves a roster spot once Jill leaves, Emily finds herself spending the majority of the time before the game sketching on the back of a flyer from the hotel about their room service specials. She’s got no idea how it ended up in her possession, she’s typically a bit better organized than that, but she’s thankful for the pencil Alyssa lends her as she sits barefoot in front of her locker with her thigh serving as her drawing surface. 

“What are you drawing?” Lindsey asks, standing above her while crunching away at apple slices. She’s casting a shadow over the shiny paper that really hasn’t taken to the pencil well at all, and Emily uses a foot to nudge her away. 

“It’s a secret,” she says, focused on the task at hand. 

“You know we’re supposed to be ready to head out in five, right?”

Emily loves Lindsey dearly, but sometimes she just wants to punch her. She looks up to see Lindsey ready to head out for the pregame warmups, pre-wrap in place and cleats tied tightly. 

“I’ll be ready,” Emily says with a shrug, scratching at her temple. “Now fuck off.”

Lindsey bounces off in a huff, definitely not actually mad at all, and Emily moves the pencil quicker. She finishes just in time, the last one in the locker room as she shoves her feet into her cleats - she’ll tie them on the field, no big deal - and drops off the drawing in the locker of its intended recipient on her way out. Alex is finally off the bench but not starting, but Pinoe still sits on the side with Becky who’s having some hamstring issues again. Emily hates that she gets to start because Becky isn’t feeling one hundred percent, but she’s lucky it’s a friendly and they don’t have to shuffle around their lineup so JJ can slot into the backline. 

“Hey,” Abby says brightly, knocking shoulders with Emily as they line up for drills. “Guess you get to be my partner in crime today!”

“What’s the game plan?” Emily asks, grinning at her. “What crime are we committing today?”

Abby laughs but doesn’t get a chance to answer as they’re called to attention, and half an hour later they’re all headed back to the locker room. Emily grabs a bag of grapes as she beelines for her locker, sitting down next to Alex who is steadfastly adjusting her socks like the game depends on it. 

“Hey superstar,” Emily says, in a better mood than she’s been in ages. She thinks it might be to hide her nerves, but that would be nothing new for her. 

Alex looks up from her knees, eyes immediately zeroing in on Emily’s mouth. 

“Give me some of those,” she demands. Emily obliges, passing her the bag as she chews. “Are you ready?”

Emily swallows before declaring, “I was born ready.”

Alex just shakes her head, lips pursed at the comment. She digs a handful of the best grapes out of the bag and passes it back before speaking. 

“So who gets Kelley tonight?” she asks, and it would be aggressive if Emily wasn’t skilled at seeing through Alex and knowing exactly when she is and isn’t serious. “You got her last night, and this morning, so I think it’s my turn again.”

“This morning didn’t even count,” Emily says. “You were asleep, it’s not like you were missing out on any time with her.”

“I still need time with my best friend,” Alex returns. “I can’t help it if you’re not using your time with her wisely.”

It’s a bit of a running joke between them, competing for time with Kelley even when one-on-one hangouts aren’t on the line, and from time to time Emily reminds herself how thankful she should be that Alex has yet to bite her head off for talking back to her so often. Kelley loves it, Emily knows, loves that they fight over her, no matter how often she indignantly claims that she’s not a prize to be fought over. It’s amusing and Emily won’t deny that at first she’d preened under Kelley’s attention, loved rubbing it in Alex’s face that Kelley had chosen her, and had even attempted to keep a running tally of the number of times they each got Kelley. 

Now though, recently, she’s laid off a bit. Emily is thankful she still gets to joke around with Alex - being locker neighbors has helped - but they don’t joke about it as often as they used to. Mostly because somewhere along the line it stopped being a game for Emily. It had to stop, her competitive streak driving her to confuse wanting to beat Alex with wanting Kelley all to herself, all the time, despite the existence of Kelley’s girlfriend, and so she’s a little surprised with how easily she falls back into talking about it like it’s a serious competition. 

“Who says I didn’t use my time wisely?” Emily counters. “I’m just saying, if she’s really your best friend, you’d get creative about spending time together.”

Alex disagrees, talking through a mouthful of green grapes, but Emily isn’t paying much attention - she can see Kelley at her locker on the adjacent wall, her back to the room, head bent low and studying something. 

Something lurches in Emily’s stomach, and she really, really, really doesn’t want to ruin her own good mood, but she’s getting dangerously close as her thoughts unwittingly wander to that morning. 

It had been humid as they slipped into the hotel’s hot tub, Kelley’s baby hairs curling around her forehead. She just wanted to relax, she had claimed, and Emily had felt a pair of hazel eyes on her as she shed her clothes in the kind of quiet that only exists when most of the world has yet to rise. Stripped down to spandex and a new sports bra she’d been sent early, one that criss-crossed in the back and had a high neck, she had tried to ignore the protesting voice in the back of her head as she slipped into the water. 

“You know, a heads up would have been nice,” Emily had said casually, sitting as far from Kelley as she could manage while still being able to hear each other over the loud jets. “I would have put on an actual swimsuit.”

“I know, but I didn’t want to give the secret away,” Kelley had said, elbows propped back up on the ledge. She had looked good, sweat beading along her hairline, and Emily had made jokes about the cleanliness of hot tubs that wrinkled Kelley’s nose as she tried not to laugh. Emily managed to keep things nice and light, pleasant, until there had been a lull in conversation, giving Kelley an opening that Emily didn’t know she’d been looking for. 

“Did I make you uncomfortable?” she had asked, looking rather uncomfortable herself. 

“When?” Emily had asked, wanting clarification before answering. 

“All of yesterday,” Kelley had said. 

“Oh, no way,” Emily had said with a chuckle. “I mean, some of it was me too.”

Because it had been. It wasn’t as though Kelley was the only one making suggestive comments - it was always the both of them going back and forth, matching each other and then raising the stakes, and just because they’d stopped playing for a while didn’t mean that they’d forgotten how. No, just because Emily had spent the last few years getting over a very small, ultimately insignificant crush, didn’t mean that she couldn’t manage this. They’d been flirting with each other after Emily had gotten over it, and they could keep doing it now, after Kelley got a girlfriend. 

That’s what she keeps telling herself as Kelley turns around, eyes searching the locker room before landing on Emily. As their eyes lock, she tells herself that this is fine, that it means nothing, that just because she sketched out the vague outline of a circular in-ground hot tub with two girls inside, both with their hair tied up in buns (one bun lightly filled in, the other left the white of the paper), doesn’t mean that they can’t do this. They can manage this dynamic just fine. 

Kelley doesn’t look away, the paper held in both hands. Emily can see the tight grip she’s got on it by the white of her knuckles, and it’s not until her mouth starts to hurt that she realizes she’s been smiling widely the entire time. 

“Hello?” Alex asks, waving a hand in front of Emily’s face. “Give me the grapes if you’re not going to have them, seriously. I’m hungry.”

Emily shakes her head and loses sight of Kelley instead focusing on Alex who’s making “gimme” hands quite impatiently. 

“You know, you’re such a kid sometimes,” Emily tells her with a laugh, handing the bag over. 

“You’re one to talk,” Alex says, rolling her eyes before turning away to talk to Allie. 

It’s only a few more minutes before they file out of the locker room, the starters lining up in the tunnel. Emily finds herself sandwiched between JJ and Rose, and she knows she’s making a scene as she keeps purposefully trodding backwards on Rose’s toes, making her yelp loudly every time, but she can’t help herself. 

“Guys, come on,” Tobin says out the side of her mouth, squaring her shoulders behind Rose. “Or else I’m telling Kelley.”

Emily is pretty sure that Kelley, who is several spots ahead of them in line, has bigger things to worry about at the moment, such as walking out on the field for the national anthem, and is surprised when Abby glances back at Tobin and then jabs Kelley in the arm before motioning backwards. 

“Are you guys serious?” Kelley hisses, and it’s not entirely awful, but it is strict enough to make Emily and Rose stand up straight and face forward. Emily behaves until the defense huddles while Carli shakes the refs hands, and she finds herself with Kelley’s arm strung along her shoulders. She’s talking, something quick and loud since she’s the most senior member of the backline right now, but Emily isn’t registering a word she says - instead, she’s registering the way Kelley shifts her arm to press the bare skin against the back of Emily’s neck, restless as she moves it again, this time down around her waist. 

She can manage this, Emily tells herself as the huddle ends. She doesn’t move right away, instead standing still and gathering herself under the pretense of redoing her hair, tightening the ponytail around her bun. 

“Come on, Em,” Kelley says, smiling softly as she loiters a few feet away. “You can do this.”

“You think?” Emily asks, smiling back. 

“I know,” Kelley says confidently, reaching forward and slapping a hand against her back. Her touch lingers, and Emily can’t help but wish that the moment could stretch on for a little longer. 

They have a game to play, though. A game during which Rose scores from just outside the eighteen, and Emily screams and throws herself onto Rose who nearly falls over with the force of the impact. It’s a moment before everyone else is joining the celebration, and Emily almost doesn’t notice that Kelley is wrapping herself around her from behind until she sees a very familiar hand patting Rose’s head. Late in the second half, Alex gets subbed in and scores not two minutes later, thanks to an excellent assist sent in by Kelley. Emily is all the way back in their defensive half and cries out, jumping and punching the air, and she doesn’t bother running forward for the celebration as Abby slams into her with a hug, but she does manage to catch Kelley’s hand the next time she jogs back by her. 

They don’t exchange any words, but Kelley squeezes tightly before running on. 

*

Emily gets caught up in all of it, and she hates it. 

She hates the way Kelley stops by her room later that night, hair still wet from a shower. It’s late and Emily knows Alex nabbed her for the night - she hadn’t even minded, knowing that she can’t let herself feel anything about that, can’t feel jealous, not if she wants to keep on as well as she has been. 

“I figured you’d want to congratulate me,” Kelley says cockily, contrasting with something shy in her smile that makes Emily want to pull her into the room, but she doesn’t. Instead, they just hug - tight, but fast - and Emily doesn’t take notice of the way Kelley runs a hand over her side before they part. She definitely does not do that, and she definitely does not hate the way that Kelley walks down the hall like nothing happened, because nothing happened at all. 

Emily hates the way she keeps one eye on Kelley during the plane ride the next day. She sits next to Lindsey and shares her airpods so they can watch an old rom com on her phone together, and doesn’t hate the way she can’t respond to Kelley’s texts because she doesn’t want to interrupt the movie. 

She definitely hates the way she feels a pang of disappointment when they’re told they’ll keep the same roommates that they did in Philadelphia for the sake of convenience. 

She doesn’t hate that on Saturday and Sunday they barely get any time alone together, instead surviving on texts when they’re not hanging out in large groups, but she does hate that on Sunday night, she gets a text that makes her pause. 

**Kelley O’Hara: ** You need to give Alex some cuddling lessons, she’s such a squirmy little bitch

The last time they cuddled - if it can even be called such - was on the plane back from France to America. Emily hates that she remembers that moment all too well, and hates that her fingers type a reply before her brain gives its permission. 

**Emily Sonnett: ** you know i’m not far b

**Emily Sonnett: ** at your service whenever, miss kelley

She hates it when she’s pretty sure Kelley flirts with her all through open practice the next day, leaning on her heavily while lacing up her cleats. The way that Emily leans right back is even worse, but not as bad as how she finds her hands splayed all over Kelley’s thighs after tackling her to the ground for the ball. 

“That was mine,” Emily pants, slowly getting up. 

“I’m not surprised that you had to tackle me to get the ball away from me,” Kelley returns, staring up with focus. “You really can’t ever successfully take possession from me, can you?”

Emily hates that Kelley whines at her when she turns away without helping her up - hates that she comes back to use both arms to pull Kelley to her feet. 

She doesn’t hate the way she successfully spends an early dinner with Rose and Sammy. She forgets about Kelley for almost half an hour and considers it a success until they’re walking back to the hotel and her phone vibrates in her jeans pocket. 

**Kelley O’Hara: ** Can I get cuddles if I join you guys and pay for dinner 

Emily hates that she completely tunes out Rose and Sam as they walk into the lobby, texting as fast as she can, Kelley’s responses coming just as fast and it’s like rapid fire in a war zone, not giving either side time to determine the damage they’re doing.

**Emily Sonnett: ** already ate :(

**Kelley O’Hara: ** But Mal only just left?

**Emily Sonnett: ** i went early w rose and sam, they were hungry 

**Kelley O’Hara: ** Damn

**Emily Sonnett: ** she’s probably going w linds and moe

**Emily Sonnett: ** you might still catch them? just saw them come out of the elevator

**Kelley O’Hara: ** How am I supposed to get my cuddling in then

**Emily Sonnett: ** get creative? lol why do you need them so bad

**Kelley O’Hara: ** Will you come by if I promise to take you out for breakfast?

**Emily Sonnett: ** come by now or in the morning?

**Emily Sonnett: ** get me avo toast and it’s a date

**Kelley O’Hara: ** Come by now

**Kelley O’Hara: ** Pretty please?

Emily hates how caught up she is in all of it, how she goes so easily, how she finds herself knocking on Kelley’s hotel room door despite the fact that she’s been working to get past this for more than a while now. She’s not sure what precipitated this change between them, what the catalyst was to make things feel the same as they used to and yet so incredibly different, and she’s not sure that there’s any way to figure it out short of asking Kelley. 

More than anything, Emily hates how when Kelley opens the door with a smile and a guiding hand (she’s always been kind of handsy, Emily rationalizes, right?) she goes without thinking about it. 

She hates how she’ll probably always have this negligible, teeny tiny, infinitesimally small crush on Kelley O’Hara. 

She hates that she really doesn’t hate it at all.    
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys kind of blew me away with how much you liked the first chapter! i wasn't really expecting much of a response but i'm super happy with how well it's been received so thank you for that. let me know your favorite parts, if it sucked, if there's something you wish had been included - just know that the next chap picks up where this one left off and i only stopped it here because i didn't want it to be any more of a monster than it already is!


	3. three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is long. get comfortable. it reads best all in one straight go.

Kelley isn’t sure what makes her do it - all she knows is that she’s very glad she did. It’s worth the discomfort, worth the flimsy excuse she makes about not being very hungry, worth Alex’s wrath when she finds out the reason Kelley declined to commit to dinner plans. More so than most things Kelley has done lately, inviting Emily Sonnett to her room for a cuddle session - and actually having her show up - is the best. 

She’s not sure how she manages it, as she thought she’d surely fuck it up. She thought that surely she wasn’t smooth enough to pull it off, that Emily would laugh it off and keep on with whatever plans she already had in place, that best case scenario, Emily would come in and sit five feet away from Kelley. She’s not sure how she managed to find a channel full of Seinfeld reruns and promise to let Emily know if she decides she wants something to eat, but she has. 

It’s a win that she didn’t even know she could have. 

There’s no easy way to explain what Kelley’s feeling or why. All she can determine for sure is that she’s pretty sure her girlfriend is at the end of her rope, and she can’t stop thinking about Emily sleeping in the same bed as her that one night in California. It’s not a particularly distant memory, but with the way things have been between them lately, it feels like a lifetime ago to Kelley. She misses having Emily close, misses their flirting, misses feeling special. She doesn’t get to call her Em nearly enough anymore, the short syllable feeling unnatural on her tongue when not immediately followed up, and it’s one of the first things she rectifies when she settles against her pillows. 

“You really hate the window bed, don’t you,” Emily says, scratching the back of her neck as she surveys the room. 

“Mal is just always here before I am,” Kelley says, moving the tv remote to the nightstand so it doesn’t get accidentally rolled on. 

“And your excuse every other time is…?”

Kelley grins at Emily. 

“Are we cuddling or not, Em?”

Emily doesn’t even bother to be careful as she climbs into the bed but she stays firmly on her own side of the mattress, stretching her legs out and folding her hands in her lap. She’s kicked off her shoes, only wearing a pair of soft jeans, wallet discarded on the dresser. It all makes her look open and welcoming, and Kelley doesn’t understand how she got here - she only understands that somehow she is here, and she must do something with it. 

“You promise you’ll let me know if we need to go get food?” Emily verifies, and Kelley nods. 

“I already said I would,” she says. 

“Just making sure!” Emily says. “I don’t want you blaming me when your stomach starts growling.”

“Even though it will be your fault,” Kelley says, and she can’t hide her grin well enough for Emily to take her seriously. 

A particularly exuberant burst of laughter from the tv distracts them for a moment. Kelley’s phone vibrates loudly, and she ignores it determinedly. 

“You don’t want to check who that is?” Emily asks. “Could be important.”

“Probably isn’t,” Kelley says dismissively, refusing to check. She knows that it’s more than likely her girlfriend, pissed that Kelley didn’t want her going out of her way to attend the Philadelphia game and unable to get past it even though it’s been approximately four days since then. Maybe Kelley has unrealistic expectations when it comes to her girlfriend getting over things, but she really doesn’t understand what else she’s supposed to do at this point. 

Emily doesn’t push it, thankfully, and instead bends her left leg at the knee, letting it fall to the side so it brushes Kelley’s thigh. She’s only wearing mesh shorts and a shirt, but it’s comfortable and more suited for cuddling than Emily’s jeans. Ultimately she can’t complain though, seeing as how she hadn’t wanted to wait for Emily to change before coming over.

“So I thought about making you tell me why you had this sudden very urgent need to cuddle,” Emily begins. 

“Oh?” Kelley asks with raised eyebrows, pushing her hair behind her ears. 

“Yes,” Emily confirms with a nod, twiddling her thumbs in her lap. “But then I decided that what’s important is the physical act, and not necessarily the reasons behind it.”

“Thank God,” Kelley says, “because I really didn’t want to explain myself here.”

Emily moves faster than Kelley expects, flopping down so her toes stretch out towards the bottom edge of the bed. It puts it so she’s got to look up to see Kelley, who looks down curiously. 

“Come on, then,” Emily says, patting the small space between them. “Some people pay good money for my company.”

Kelley can’t help but laugh hard, slowly lowering herself into more of a reclined position. 

“I think that came out wrong,” Emily says. 

“Definitely,” Kelley says. 

It’s awkward for a moment, neither of them knowing how to do this, but Kelley prefers being on her left and they’ll still be able to see the tv if they turn that way, so she shifts onto her side while looking back over her shoulder to check if Emily is following. They end up looking at each other and Kelley freezes, taking in the way Emily is in the middle of angling her body towards Kelley’s. 

“Am I doing something wrong?” Emily asks in her typical joking fashion, and Kelley wishes she wasn’t so unflappable all the time. 

“No,” Kelley says. “Just making sure you’re still there.”

“Where would I go?” Emily asks with genuine confusion, and Kelley fully lays on her side, hands coming up to adjust her pillow under her head. A few moments pass - more than she would like, really - before she feels Emily come close, moving around to settle herself in a comfortable position. 

“Just relax,” Kelley says under her breath, just loud enough for them to both hear. She holds her right hand up, fingers open and palm reaching for the sky, and this time Emily’s response is almost immediate. She slips her hand into Kelley’s, and Kelley does she best she can to show Emily how she wants her. 

It’s what she wanted back in California a month prior, Kelley thinks, as they adjust together. Emily’s face tucked into the back of Kelley’s neck, her even breathing barely audible; Emily’s hand tucked into Kelley’s, knuckles brushing the bedspread under them; Kelley’s legs bent slightly so she can press her toes to Emily’s ankles. Everything is as she envisioned with the exception of a single lamp and the tv turned on, illuminating the room enough to see by but not so much that it’s glaring. 

“How long do we lay like this?” Emily asks, and it’s quiet for her, Kelley can tell. 

“You’re supposed to enjoy it,” Kelley says, flipping her hand around to a more natural position. “Are you not enjoying it?”

Emily doesn’t answer right away, thumb rubbing along the side of Kelley’s palm. It feels nice, the ridges of her fingertips dragging. Kelley isn’t sure how much she’s allowed to enjoy this, how much she’s allowed to revel in being this close to Emily, how much she’s allowed to hope that Mal loses her keycard and decides to stay elsewhere for the night. 

“I don’t know that I’m very good at this.”

Kelley’s not sure if it’s because they’re not facing each other or because the tv is the perfect volume to fill the silence between them, but something makes it easy to want to be honest. 

“That’s okay “ Kelley says, fingers squeezing. “I don’t care.”

Emily squeezes back briefly before letting go, and Kelley immediately feels bereft. She curls her newly freed right hand under her chin, but it’s worth it when Emily splays a hand out over her stomach. The motion makes it easier for Emily to pull them closer together, pressing lightly, her hand perfectly positioned so that it’s neither too high nor too low. 

It feels better than Kelley had imagined, and she’s been thinking about this for the better part of a month now. 

“I always get too restless when girls want to cuddle,” Emily says, her breath coming out in little puffs against Kelley’s skin. “It always seems so pointless. At best, one of us is uncomfortable.”

“And at worst?”

“Both of us are.”

Kelley lets out a short laugh despite the fact that she feels a little unsure, wondering if she’s forced Emily’s hand here. 

“You don’t have to do this if you’re uncomfortable, you know,” Kelley says. She’s never been in the habit of forcing people to be close to her when they don’t want to be, and she’s not about to start. 

“No,” Sonnett says, adjusting herself so that she’s more tightly pressed to Kelley’s back, stretching out her legs until it seems like the minimal height difference between them is bigger than when they’re standing, and for a moment, Kelley does her best to remember what it’s like when Emily wears heels. “I’m okay for now. You’re kind of bony, though. You know that? And your feet are cold.”

Kelley just drags her toes down as much skin as she can get without looking, and when Emily laughs, it’s a little muffled into her hair but Kelley can still feel it just as much as she hears it. It starts in Emily’s chest, and from there it travels into Kelley’s spine where it turns into shivers, and then from there it spreads through her body, to her fingers and her toenails, even. It feels good and electric, something that Kelley thinks should be scary as goosebumps sprout up along her forearms, but instead it’s almost comforting. It tells her that she’s doing the right thing - that cuddling, alone in a hotel room, isn’t a complete waste of her time. 

Sure, she doesn’t know how Emily feels. She’s always been one to keep her heart tucked away out of sight, and truthfully, Kelley has been the same way. It’s not that she’s ever been ashamed, or purposely secretive, but sometimes Kelley thinks that not everyone is entitled to the information they believe they are. One bit of information she isn’t entitled to is Emily’s feelings about her, and while Kelley isn’t exactly happy with that, she supposes that she doesn’t have a choice. 

Well, choices besides the option to roll with it and let Emily dictate things, let her set the tone and determine exactly how close they are at all times, and the option to try and trick it out of her, which definitely won’t be easy but has the possibility to be worth it. Because the last thing Kelley wants to do is take something that she’s got no right to take, that Emily doesn’t want to give, that she isn’t even sure what she would do with. 

“Drag me, why don’t you,” Kelley says a bit belatedly, caught up in her thoughts. She thinks she feels Emily’s nose press into her neck, hand flexing against her stomach, and Kelley isn’t one to ever feel self conscious about her body or appearance, but she’s aware of the way her abdominals contract and expand with every breath she takes. 

“I can, if you’d like,” Emily says, and her voice is soft, almost too soft, the teasing that’s usually there suddenly all but nonexistent. “Your hair smells funny and I don’t like these shorts.”

“I used Mal’s shampoo,” Kelley says, trying to match Emily’s tone as best as she can - she wants to make Emily feel the way she’s feeling right now. “And what’s wrong with my shorts?”

“No wonder,” Emily says, and Kelley can practically feel the giant inhale she takes in, Emily’s front expanding against the curve of Kelley’s back. “I’m used to your stuff.”

“Ran out yesterday,” Kelley says. There’s something in Emily’s words that Kelley wants her to expound upon, but she doesn’t, and Kelley doesn’t ask her to. “Seriously, what’s wrong with my shorts?”

“They’re Under Armor,” Emily says, as though it’s obvious. 

“They kind of pay me to wear their stuff, you know,” Kelley says. 

“Yeah, but they can’t see you right now.”

“And what would you prefer I wear?”

Emily doesn’t answer right away, and Kelley tugs at her index finger. “What would you prefer I wear?”

“I have lots of Adidas shit, you know,” Emily says as Kelley tugs again. “Stop hurting me!”

Kelley laughs as Emily shakes her hand to stop her from doing it again, shaking her off before replacing her hand where it belongs. 

“You wouldn’t catch me dead in your stuff,” Kelley tells her. 

“I’ll find a way to make it happen,” Emily says, sounding determined. 

Kelley doesn’t want to believe it, but she also knows better than to doubt her. 

“I’ll never fall into whatever trap you set for me,” Kelley says, her eyelids feeling heavy. “I’d get you into some Under Armor before I ever wear your Adidas shit.”

“Is that a challenge?” Emily asks, her hand fisting in the loose fabric of Kelley’s shirt and tugging ever so slightly. Kelley hates the way it makes her feel, the jerk behind her navel and the momentary short-circuiting of her brain, but she loves the way Emily’s voice dips just the smallest bit as she speaks. 

She’s got no right to be enjoying this. Really, she’s got no right to be here. She doesn’t understand why Emily came, why she curved herself around Kelley’s body, why she’s touching her like this. If they were around teammates, if they were scrimmaging, if it wasn’t purposeful and lingering, Kelley could have debated whether or not it was meaningful - whether she was reading into something that she didn’t know for sure was there or not. She’s done that before, been forced to analyze Emily’s actions to pieces. 

The difference now is that it seems so simple. Kelley doesn’t understand how there could be any doubt here, any wiggle room for why she’s still holding Kelley’s shirt the way she is, white-knuckled and tense. Kelley feels like she knows why Emily is doing this, why she’s acquiesced so easily, and part of her feels so guilty for doing this the way she is, but she didn't know what else to do. The day before she’d been hanging around with Alex and Allie, Alex coming over to curl herself against Kelley’s front, and it had been a disaster. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Kelley had asked, half amused and half irritated. 

“Cuddling you,” Alex had said, as though it was obvious. “I mean, you’re clearly upset about your relationship. I figure it’s the least I can do for you, since I know you won’t take my advice.”

“What’s your advice?” Kelley had asked without any intention of taking it.

“Figure it out,” Alex had told her. “Figure out what you want and make it happen. If you want to make it work, do what it takes. I mean, you see what I’ve done for Serv over the years, and what he’s done for me. If I hadn’t been able to go to Orlando when I did, we might not have made it this far.”

“Same with Bati and I,” Allie had added from where she was lounging on her bed. Kelley and Alex had been posted up in Pinoe’s bed, but she had been out and about doing promotional stuff and definitely wouldn’t care that they were there. “Like, we have to make a living and make our marriage work at the same time. It’s not easy when you’re doing this.”

Kelley had been too scared to ask what to do if she was thinking that maybe making it work wasn’t what she wanted.

Kelley spent most of that night texting her girlfriend while Mal Facetimed her boyfriend. When Dansby had to say goodnight, Mal got up to get ready for bed but not before sitting on Kelley’s bed.

“You can call her, you know,” Mal had said. Kelley was annoyed, mostly because she didn’t want to have to resort to taking relationship advice from someone nearly a decade younger than her. 

“I didn’t want to interfere with your call,” Kelley had muttered. 

“I don’t care, and you know he doesn’t,” Mal had said with a snort, gathering her hair into a ponytail. “Don’t make me worry about you, Kelley.”

She’d flounced off to the bathroom, humming some random tune as she went about her routine, and Kelley had tapped her fingers on the sides of her phone, too afraid to go ahead and call, even though she knew Mal wasn’t about to judge her for anything she might overhear. 

But then in the morning, her girlfriend had flipped a switch. They’d gone from long paragraphs to one word texts, and Kelley was too scared to do anything about it. She knew she should call, or Facetime, or anything, really, but for someone who was generally fearless, she couldn’t work up the nerve to do anything more than type out “okay” over and over. 

It was bad. 

But nothing about Emily is bad, Kelley thinks, as Emily slowly stills behind her. Even when she’s confusing and Kelley doesn’t quite understand what she’s feeling, it’s not bad. As Emily’s hand slowly relaxes, Kelley feels her own body release any remaining tension and she closes her eyes. There’s something about being with her, Kelley thinks, that can bring her peace no matter how confusing it all can be. 

“Are you going to fall asleep on me now?” Emily asks, her voice cutting through the relative quiet. “Should I head out?

“No,” Kelley says, reaching her hand to grab at Emily’s wrist. “No, you promised me cuddles and I’m not done with them yet.”

“So needy,” Emily says under her breath, and Kelley wants to kick her shin, but then Emily somehow nuzzles closer into the crook of Kelley’s neck and it stops her before she can even move. “I didn’t promise you anything. So is this the plan then? To just lie like this until we start to decompose?”

She’s joking, Kelley knows, but the thought of the two of them staying like this makes her chest suddenly feel tight in the best way. 

“No, we’ll get up in the morning for some avocado toast for you,” Kelley says, and she shifts her feet a bit until she can get Emily to move too, until Kelley can wiggle an ankle between Emily’s legs and get her to lean in more, her right leg coming over to rest on Kelley’s lower legs. They feel intertwined and Kelley’s thinking that they’ve never been this close before, that they haven’t been truly alone like this since the last time they shared a bed, and even though she feels content enough to feel sleepy, she doesn’t want to sleep. Especially not when she has no idea when this will ever happen again. 

It almost feels like Emily can hear her thinking, the thoughts racing through Kelley’s head. 

“Kell,” she says, with the air of someone who’s been trying to get her attention for a minute now. 

“Yeah,” Kelley says, blinking her eyes open. It’s almost dark outside, and she wonders how long Mal plans on being gone. “Did you say something?”

“I said, you might make fun of me but I know you love it too,” Emily says, and Kelley is still holding her wrist, she realizes. She wonders if it would be weird to hold hands again. 

“Em,” Kelley says, shifting her weight to lay back against her, “I only eat it for you, you know that.”

“You’re lying,” Emily says, but it’s full of quiet amusement and she lets Kelley twist her hand around, letting go of her wrist and sliding their fingers together. “Are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah,” Kelley says, and she’s kind of enjoying playing with Sonnett’s fingers, looking down at her palm and her nails, taking note of the similarities and differences between her own hand. “Why?”

“You seem a little off,” Emily says, and there’s something careful in her voice. “And you’ve never demanded we cuddle before, so. I just wasn’t sure.”

“I just missed you,” Kelley says, and maybe it’s because of the way they’ve been laying together for a while now, but she feels like it might be okay to be open about that. 

“I’ve been here, Kell,” Emily says. “I mean, we’re not going to hang out together all the time, but I’ve still been here.”

“You let Alex steal me,” Kelley says, surprised by the accusation in her own voice. “All the time.”

Emily exhales, her breath creeping down Kelley’s neck, past her shirt collar. 

“Do you want me to steal you more?” Emily asks. “I don’t want to make her jealous, you know. I think she prefers it when I’m a little afraid of her.”

“Alex is harmless,” Kelley tells her, running her fingers over the wrinkles of Emily’s knuckles. 

“Yeah, maybe to you,” Emily says. “You know, you can steal me too.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know,” Emily says, and Kelley wishes she could see her face, “if you want to spend time together, all you have to do is say so.”

“Yeah, but I like it when you want to spend time with me,” Kelley counters before she can think twice about it. 

They both go quiet and Kelley’s hand doesn’t move, just hanging there with her fingers looped around Emily’s thumb. 

Kelley is the one who breaks the silence. 

“You do want to be here right now, don’t you?” she asks. “Like, I’m not forcing you or anything, right?”

“Nah,” Emily says, and Kelley hates the way she sounds almost guarded. “I don’t hate it.”

Kelley laughs but it feels a bit hollow, and she wishes there was a way to be serious with Emily. She knows that Emily isn’t all jokes and pranks and rare moments of affection towards her friends, Lindsey being the exception who somehow seems to always be on the receiving end of Emily’s softness. Kelley knows this, but what she doesn’t know is how to crack her open and try to worm her way inside. She doesn’t even know for sure that that’s what she wants, or why - she just knows that she feels like she needs to try. 

She gets this sudden urge to tell Emily about how difficult her girlfriend is being - to tell Emily that it’s practically giving her a migraine at this point, that she doesn’t know if the relationship is worth the trouble, that something people apparently just can’t deal with her lifestyle. There’s a part of her that doesn’t think that’s right, that is saying Emily isn’t the person to go to for relationship advice, and she stops to consider that part of her and examine why she feels that way, but can’t find an answer. There’s just something about her makes Kelley not want to dump on her, but wants to tell her that the relationship really isn’t working out. 

But then Emily shifts her body, and Kelley thinks she might get it. 

Emily rolls forward, enough to press them right up against each other, and her hands gently flexes out of Kelley’s grasp so she can drop her arm entirely. Her fingers drag on the bed for a moment, right by Kelley’s stomach, and then curve under her side - high up, right along the bottom of her ribcage - to tuck between her body and the mattress. It’s simple, just a tight grip that Kelley doesn’t think should mean anything, but it does and they’re so close and fuck, Kelley thinks. 

Kelley’s fucked. 

*

The next morning, after grabbing some avocado toast at a place that Emily immediately declared mediocre, Kelley diverts them into a Walgreens. 

“Kelley, come on,” Emily says, distracted by a childs sunglasses display. “Look at these! They have pineapples on them!”

They do indeed, but Kelley wastes no time grabbing Emily by the neck of her pullover and yanking her along. She protests, but goes relatively easily, her hair tied in a low bun and nearly covered under her snapback. Kelley thinks she looks good - too good. 

“What are we doing here?” Emily asks as Kelley goes down the hair care aisle. “You trying to be fancy?”

Kelley knows what she’s looking for and she zeros in on it soon enough, doing her best to ignore the way Emily is snapping open the lids of shampoo bottles to smell the contents. She’s like a child, Kelley thinks fondly. 

“No,” Kelley says, “remember I told you I ran out of my hair stuff?”

“Vaguely,” Emily says, putting one back and grabbing another. “When was this?”

“Last night,” Kelley reminds her. “You said I smelled weird.”

“Oh,” Emily says. “No, I’m pretty sure I said it smelled funny. Not weird.”

“You’re weird,” Kelley tells her from down the aisle, holding the shampoo and conditioner in one hand. 

“Yeah, but you love it,” Emily says. Kelley approaches her, and Emily holds out the bottle currently in hand. “This is supposed to smell like strawberries but I’m not getting it. Are you?”

Kelley takes the bottle in her spare hand and is about to indulge Emily, but then she hears a couple of hushed voices at the end of the aisle. Emily doesn’t notice but Kelley’s head immediately jerks up to see a couple of girls in jerseys, clearly hanging out before the game later. She accidentally makes eye contact with one of them and it doesn’t take long before they’re scurrying closer, producing their phones. They must be teenagers, Kelley thinks, capping the bottle and handing it to Emily who protests. 

“No, come on Kell!” she says, but then Kelley is stepping to the side and smiling at the approaching girls. 

“Hi,” one of them says, slightly taller, and her friend hangs back a touch, clearly shy. “We’ve got tickets to see you tonight!”

Emily has turned around, and the look that passes over her face shows immediate understanding. 

“Hey,” Kelley says with a smile. She’s done this a hundred dozen times, smiled for fans and kept things tight, professional, impersonal. “Thanks so much for your support.”

“You’ll be starting, won’t you?” the girl says eagerly. 

“I guess we’ll see,” Kelley says. “You guys want a picture before we get out of here?”

“I’ll take one for you,” Emily offers, pushing her sleeves up off her wrists. 

“No, can we get one with both of you?” the shy girl asks. “If that’s okay.”

Kelley glances at Emily - she knows they’ve got different comfort levels when it comes to dealing with fans, mostly because Kelley’s been doing this whole song and dance much longer than Emily has - who looks surprised but not necessarily opposed. 

“Yeah, of course,” Emily says, looking at the girls. “Who’s got the longest arm here?”

The girls giggle their way through a few quick selfies that Emily takes, her right arm stretching forward as they all smile wide. Once the taller girl takes her phone back, Kelley bids them goodbye and promises a good game for them before heading to the front of the store to make her purchase. 

At the register, Emily tosses a water bottle and a box of Dots beside the shampoo and conditioner. 

“Really?” Kelley asks, pulling out her card. “You know you can have as many water bottles as you want back at the hotel.”

“Yeah, but I’m thirsty now,” Emily says with a smirk as the cashier rings up the items. 

“Probably because you only had coffee at breakfast,” Kelley says. “Nice how you just expect me to buy your stuff for you.”

“You’re my sugar daddy, didn’t you know?” Emily jokes. 

Out on the street, Emily chugs half the water bottle in one go before tucking it in the crook of her arm and prying open the cardboard box of Dots. 

“Give me one,” Kelley demands, holding out a hand. 

Emily deposits a single orange candy in the palm of her hand. 

“That’s the worst flavor, Em,” Kelley says, staring at her. “Seriously?”

“I like the other ones,” Emily says as though that explains it. “Green is my favorite flavor.”

“You mean lime?”

“Green,” Emily insists. “Here, fine, I’ll give you a few yellows.”

“You mean lemon,” Kelley says, and she has to jump away to avoid the kick that Emily aims at her ankle. “Hey, do you want to injure me before tonight?”

“No,” Emily says, looking briefly apologetic. 

“If you want to start, I think Becky’s already going to sit out again,” Kelley tells her. 

Something in Emily’s face is unreadable, and Kelley isn’t sure whether to ask about it or not. They spend a couple minutes talking about the best gummy candies on the market, and after a lull in conversation, Kelley speaks up. 

“Did you think those girls didn’t know who you were?”

Emily looks surprised at that, pausing with a pair of lime Dots in her hand. 

“What?” she asks dumbly, but Kelley knows that Emily knows what she’s talking about. 

“You said you’d take the picture,” Kelley reminds her. 

“I mean, you’re the real star out of the two of us,” Emily says, and it’s clearly meant to be a joke but it falls flat. 

“Em,” Kelley says, but she won’t meet Kelley’s eyes and Kelley doesn’t know what to do. “Come on, will you talk to me?”

Emily isn’t one who likes being vulnerable, something that Kelley knows. She remembers all the times she hadn’t been called up, the times she’d been left off rosters, off starting lineups, played poorly, neglected to be subbed in - Kelley’s been around for almost all of it. She knows that Emily would rather brush it off, pretend like it’s in the past instead of dealing with it, and while Kelley isn’t always sure that that’s the best approach, she usually don’t push or say anything. At the end of the day she figures it isn’t really her place because Emily’s got a good support system all her own, and Kelley doesn’t need to force her way into it if Emily doesn’t want her there. 

Now, though, Kelley doesn’t think she can just leave it. 

She reaches out to knock her hand against Emily’s, the lime Dots still in her hand. When Emily knocks back before lifting the candy to her mouth, Kelley feels like it’s safe enough to her to push a bit. 

“You know you’re great, don’t you?”

“I’m alright,” Emily says with the same air of irreverence she uses in all her interviews when forced to talk about herself. 

“Em - “

“It’s okay, Kell,” she interrupts, shooting her a genuine enough grin that Kelley doesn’t feel right about pursuing the issue. “I’m okay, promise. Just thought they’d want a real picture instead of a selfie, but it’s fine. Okay?”

Her voice stays steady and Kelley’s got no reason to question the matter, so she doesn’t. 

“Alright,” Kelley says, trying not to be disappointed that Emily doesn’t want to confide in her. “Come on then, let’s get back before we miss today’s meeting.”

“Here,” Emily says, holding out an open hand with two lime and three cherry Dots. “Because you’re so sweet.”

Kelley doesn’t even try to ignore the way her heart swells at that.

*

Later, before the game, Kelley finds herself in front of Emily’s locker. 

“Are you ready?”

Kelley’s proud of Emily, nabbing a second start, but she can see the nerves in her eyes. They were there before the last game, Emily hanging back and not exactly her usual chipper self, and perhaps Kelley hadn’t paid her enough attention, but she’s determined to make up for that now. She’s tying her laces while sitting at Emily’s feet, looking up at her as her fingers complete the task in small, practiced motions. 

“Yeah,” Emily says, and instead of looking excited, Kelley thinks she looks a little like she’s going to be sick. “Are you?”

“To have you play beside me?” Kelley says. “Hell yeah, of course I’m ready for that. It doesn’t happen a lot.”

Emily unwraps the protein bar she’s been holding onto - at this point, it looks a little mangled and squashed, but she takes a bite anyway and chews slowly before saying anything. 

“We’re usually playing against each other,” she says, as if Kelley isn’t completely aware of that fact, as if she isn’t completely aware of the fact that three days from now they’ll be playing on the same pitch at the same time again, just on opposite teams. It’s something that Kelley always looks forward to because even though they don’t exactly have to deal with each other directly, it’s always thrilling to get to watch Emily in her element. Even when she’s got her own job to do, she still always finds her eyes on Emily at one point or another. 

“Yeah, and now we get to help each other,” Kelley says. 

“Abby plays between us,” Emily says, taking another bite before she’s swallowed the first one. “It’s not like we’re really playing next to each other.”

Kelley finishes tying her cleats and sits cross-legged, hands perched on her knees. 

“Don’t ruin this for me,” she says, pouting. “I’m excited to play with you, let me be.”

“Fine,” Emily says, the ghost of a smile crossing over her face. “You looking to rack up any more assists tonight?”

“Always,” Kelley says with a grin. “Are you planning on tying your cleats at any point before we head out there?”

“Nah,” Emily says. “Thought I might use them to try and trip up our opponents.”

The smile she gives Kelley doesn’t quite reach her eyes, and Kelley reaches out her hands for her feet. 

“Come on, then,” Kelley says. “Let me do it.”

Emily stretches out her leg just a bit so Kelley doesn’t have to lean forward, and they lapse into a comfortable silence that seems out of place in the chaotic locker room. Kelley finishes tying one shoe before motioning for the other, and Emily obliges just as Alex storms over to sit down in front of her own locker space. 

“Did your fingers break?” Alex directs at Emily. 

“Ignore her,” Kelley whispers loudly out of the side of her mouth. “She’s just pissed because she can’t start.”

Alex glares at her but it’s worth it when Emily lets out what sounds like a giggle. It’s so brief that Kelley thinks she might have imagined it, but when she looks up, the easy look on her face suggests that it was real. 

“Jealous isn’t a good look on you, Alex,” Kelley says at a normal volume.

“Fuck off,” Alex says immediately. “I’ll sub in.”

“Don’t be mean or else I won’t serve you any nice balls,” Kelley says. She finishes tying Emily’s other cleat but holds on to her, fingers circling her socked ankle. “Feel okay, Em?”

Emily rolls her ankles around and Kelley lets go momentarily, but when Emily stills, her hands go right to the back of her calves. 

“All good,” Emily says with a smile, the best one so far, and Kelley can’t help but smile back. 

“Sonnett,” a voice says - it’s Lindsey, casting a shadow over Kelley. “Do you remember me?”

Kelley’s eyes don’t leave Emily’s face as she looks up at Lindsey quizzically. She kneads her calf muscles, wondering if it’s weird that Emily hasn’t stopped her, but enjoying it too much to care. 

“Hi, Horan,” Emily says. “What’s up?”

“Do you remember me?” Lindsey repeats, waving a hand in front of Emily’s face. Emily swats at it, but it doesn’t deter her. “Your dear friend and teammate? I haven’t seen you in days.”

Kelley snorts out a laugh and it earns her a soft smile from Emily. 

“Seriously,” Lindsey says, crossing her arms against her chest. “Son, it’s been days. If you need a massage, we have physios to do that.”

“Yeah, but Kelley’s free,” Emily says. 

“Yeah, Horan,” Kelley echoes. “I’m free.”

“You two are insane,” Lindsey says, cracking as a smile slips through. “Seriously though, let me steal Sonny for a minute.”

Kelley looks up at Emily before acquiescing. She hadn’t even really looked away to begin with, but her eyes have been tracing the very slight jut of her collarbones above the neckline of her jersey and - 

Fuck, Kelley thinks, not for the first time in the last twenty-four hours. 

Hell, not even the second time in the last twenty-four hours. 

Kelley’s brain feels like a steady stream of _ fucks _, and it’s like there’s a revelation there on the peripheral tha Kelley keeps missing out on. She keeps trying to grasp at it but it’s been disappearing too fast, and when Emily shrugs a bit in response to Kelley’s unspoken question, it slips away again. Scrambling to her feet, Kelley feels a bit dazed. All the blood in her body starts flowing again and it makes her a bit lightheaded - she sways on her feet and Alex shoots out a hand to steady her. 

“Whoa,” Alex says as Kelley plants her feet, regaining her balance. “You okay?”

“Yeah, just got up too fast,” Kelley reassures her, eyes darting to the side to watch Lindsey lead Emily towards her own locker where Sammy and Mal are hanging out. She feels the loss immediately, but figure she’ll be close to Emily again soon enough, once they take their places on the pitch. The time in between is agonizing, with Kelley jumping up and down as they file outside in a straight line. She can’t keep still during the National Anthem, glancing to her side to try and get a good look at Emily, but there are a few too many people between them - Kelley curses Abby and Julie and Lindsey, wishing they weren’t so tall and imposing enough to block her view. Thankfully, it doesn’t last long and then it’s time for their huddle, and Kelley makes it nice and short. 

Normally, when she’s on the pitch, she’s all focused on soccer. Kelley gives it her all and she plays tough, but she takes a moment as they’re about to break away to catch Emily’s eye from across the circle. She looks nervous, and Kelley isn’t pretending to be an expert on the many faces and emotions of Emily Sonnett, but there’s something there that Kelley feels like she needs to take care of. She waits until all the subs are headed for the bench and Emily easier to get to - further in the field than Kelley is, a few feet away from Abby who seems to be chattering her ear off, and Kelley jogs there easily, reaching them in a matter of moments. 

“Em,” Kelley says, reaching out to grab a handful of Emily’s jersey. 

“Yeah?” Emily asks, and she looks at Abby who has cut herself off mid sentence. Abby doesn’t seem to mind too much, just running off towards Crystal who is already in position. “We were talking, you know.”

“Yeah, but it’s me,” Kelley says. “We both know I’m the most important.”

Emily tilts her head to the side, trying to suppress a smile. 

“Who told you that?”

Kelley chooses not to respond to that. 

“I’m proud of you,” she says, putting her hands on Emily’s shoulders, gripping tightly. “You did great last game, and you’ll do great today.”

“Yeah,” Emily says, glancing somewhere behind Kelley in the direction of the bench before looking straight at her. Her eyes are bright and wide and Kelley loses herself for a moment, tuning in just in time to hear the rest of what Emily says. “We’ll see how many minutes I get, I think Tierna might get some.”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit,” Kelley tells her firmly. “Now come on. Come out here and do a great job and make me proud.”

She reluctantly lets her arms fall and they start to walk in opposite directions - Kelley to the right flank, Emily between Abby and Crystal - and Kelley almost misses it. She looks back when she’s halfway to where she should start, and sees Emily doing the exact same thing, looking at her with an impossibly wide smile and no sign of the nerves she’s been rocking all evening. 

The truth is, Kelley thinks when the game winds down and she gets subbed off for Ali in the eighty-second minute, that she’d be proud of Emily no matter what. Regardless, when the final whistle is blown and everyone makes their way around to shake hands and exchange a “good game” with the opposing team, Kelley can’t help but seek out Emily. She gets wrapped up in Rose and Moe, sharing water bottles and talking animatedly, and Kelley can see it. 

The sheer, undiluted joy on Emily’s face. 

Kelley wants to be the one putting that look on her face. It’s a dangerous thought but Kelley pushes that particular concern aside and only thinks about one thing, and that’s getting close to her. 

Of course, Allie has other ideas. 

“Nice game,” Allie tells her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pushing water into her hands as they walk. 

“Allie, I’ve been on the bench with you for the last ten minutes,” Kelley points out. 

“You were sitting between Mal and Becky,” Allie reminds her. “I didn’t exactly get a chance to congratulate you.”

“Thanks Al,” Kelley says before taking a drink. 

“Are we going out?” Allie asks as they approach Alex who is busy signing posters and jerseys. “Alex, we all going out?”

Alex doesn’t even spare them a glance as she poses for a selfie. 

“Ask Kelley,” Alex calls out. “Ask if she’s got enough room to fit us in, in between hanging out with the little ones.”

“She’s just salty,” Kelley tells Allie, whose arm is starting to feel heavy and sweaty against the back of her neck. “I spend more than enough time with you guys.”

“Yeah, but you’re with us tonight, aren’t you?”

Allie is looking at her expectantly as they keep walking, doing their lap around the stadium. Kelley shrugs her arm off uncomfortably and scans the perimeter, looking for something, looking for someone - 

“Hey,” Allie says with a frown. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Kelley says distractedly, squirting more water in her mouth. 

That does nothing to satisfy her. 

“Does this have anything to do with - “

“I’m gonna sign some,” Kelley says quickly, pushing the water bottle back at Allie. “Okay?”

She doesn’t want to hear whatever Allie has to say. The last thing she wants at the moment is to be reminded of last night, of what had happened when Alex found out where Kelley was, when Lindsey had dragged Emily out of bed and promptly lost her shit before casually mentioning it to Alex who had - 

No, Kelley doesn’t want to have that conversation, much less hear Allie’s opinion on the matter. She just wants Emily, but she’s currently whooping it up with Lindsey and Mal and Kelley doesn’t want to deal with that right now. She doesn’t want to deal with Lindsey who had been less than impressed with the situation, busting into the hotel room with Mal right in front of her. Emily can wait, Kelley decides, putting on the best post-game smile she can manage as she heads for a gaggle of girls hanging an O’Hara jersey over the edge of the stands. 

Kelley signs for a while, one eye on Emily the entire time. Emily seems content where she is - more than content actually, and Kelley does her best to not seethe with jealousy. She feels like she should be the one Emily is laughing with, the one she’s squirting with a water bottle, the one she’s aiming that crinkly-eyed smile at. It’s not until the stadium is nearly empty and Emily has already headed back that Kelley starts to head for the locker room. The only people still signing who follow her in are Alex and Ali, and Kelley forgoes a shower as one of their trainers calls out for them to hurry onto the bus. She just hurriedly changes into some fresh clothes before heading out and trying not to let her frustration get the better of her because no matter how she feels, Emily isn’t exactly hers.

“Kelley,” Alex says under her breath as they walk through the stadium to the back where the busses are parked . “What are you - “

But Kelley doesn’t want to hear it. She speeds up and puts on her headphones and prays that Alex won’t talk to her, because she really doesn’t want to hear any of it. She just wants Emily, and when she gets on the bus, she’s relieved to see that the seat across from her and Lindsey is still empty for her. Once she’s settled and Alex has slid into the seat in front of her, lips pursed as she casts a look at Kelley before talking to Allie, Kelley leans back against the window and stretches herself against the two seats. Her shoes dangle in the aisle and it’s not until nearly five minutes later that she’s realized that she has yet to play anything through her headphones because she’s too stubborn to look at her phone. Even if there’s nothing new, her earlier texts are enough to keep her away. 

First there had been her girlfriend, who was practically gaslighting Kelley at this point. She wasn’t sure why things were deteriorating like they were, but she did know that she was over it. She felt like she was holding the broken pieces of her relationship in her hands and they were just cutting her up, with no glue or anything to put it together again. It was almost like the only choice she had was to throw it all away, but it had gotten to a point where that would be better for her than holding on would be. 

Then there had been Alex. Oh, Alex. 

Mal and Lindsey had banged into the hotel room late the previous night, and Kelley wasn’t exactly embarrassed about it, but she did feel strangely protective of the fact that they’d walked in to see Emily fast asleep and curled around Kelley who was doing her best to stem the angry flow of texts from her girlfriend. Her phone had been vibrating incessantly on the nightstand, and once Emily’s breathing had slowed and evened out, she’d only meant to turn off the device before trying to drift off too. 

But then Lindsey had been loud and Emily woke easily, untangling herself from Kelley and looking adorably disheveled with her messy hair and pillow wrinkles pressed into her left cheek. All Kelley had wanted was a goodbye, but then Lindsey was nearly yanking Emily off the bed and saying something about needing her urgently, and Emily barely managed to slip her shoes on, much less say anything to Kelley, before being dragged out. Mal, to her credit, hadn’t said anything, instead just biting her lip and asking Kelley if she needed a shower first. 

When Kelley had gotten out of the shower, she checked her phone before changing out of her towel. She’d been hoping that Emily had texted her - something along the lines of _ thank you for the cuddle, it was the best part of this week _\- but had instead seen a couple from Alex who couldn’t be bothered to double-text on the best day. 

**Alex Morgan:** Why is Lindsey so pissed about you and Sonnett hanging out?

**Alex Morgan:** Why were you cuddling with Sonnett?

**Alex Morgan: **If you don’t call her off soon I’m going to make you stay with her tonight, I need to sleep soon.

So Kelley, not at all prepared to deal with the repercussions of her actions and going with her gut feeling telling her to avoid Horan at all costs, had texted Emily. 

**Kelley O’Hara: **Any way you can call off your watch dog? Alex says she can’t sleep.

**Emily Sonnett: **yeah sure, sorry

There hadn’t been anything else from Alex and Kelley had assumed all was well, but then Emily didn’t say anything else and Kelley started feeling anxious, wondering if she’d overstepped. It seemed to be a common theme of hers lately, wondering if she’d pushed Emily too far and then trying to figure it out without asking her. She took the cowardly way out as she sent another text, glossing over the issue at hand. 

**Kelley O’Hara: **You still gonna let me take you out in the morning? 

**Emily Sonnett: **you still owe me, don’t you?

**Kelley O’Hara: **Be ready at 8.

And then Emily had been ready at 8 and Kelley hadn’t said anything, just shot Emily a smile, and they’d been off and it had been like nothing bad had ever happened. Kelley didn’t know what Lindsey’s problem was or if Emily had a problem or anything, and Kelley didn’t want to know. All Kelley wanted was Emily, and as she sits on the bus, she feels the same exact way she had that morning and the previous night. 

She just wonders if Emily wants her too. 

So Kelley reaches out a sneakered foot, leaning down in her seat to give her more length to work with, and presses the toe of her shoe into Emily’s thigh. It doesn’t work at first, with Emily just sending her an unimpressed look, but then Kelley taps her twice more and Emily pulls out her Airpods. 

“What?” she mouths, and the bus isn’t exactly loud at this late hour, but the hum of hushed voices is enough to make it hard to tell if Emily is actually speaking or not. Kelley pats the seat under her legs, and Emily’s eyes narrow in confusion so Kelley’s keeps at it until she seems to get it. Emily glances at Lindsey - who is absorbed in her phone screen, like more than half the bus - before carefully lifting herself up out of her seat and shifting across the aisle. Kelley moves her legs at the last second, and then stretches her legs out over Emily’s lap. 

“Stop, I hate that,” Emily says, shoving at Kelley’s legs with one hand while the other takes out her Airpods. “What’s up? Do you need something.”

Kelley keeps her legs where they are, and Emily doesn’t push at them again. 

“Just missed you after the game,” Kelley says after pushing her headphones down around her neck, and it’s almost eerie, talking quietly in the dark like this. “I didn’t get to congratulate you.”

“Oh,” Emily says, tucking the small pieces of plastic in the pocket of her jacket. “I mean, it’s not like I did anything great.”

“You did awesome,” Kelley says eagerly, reaching out a hand to press on Emily’s forearm. Emily aims a sheepish smile in Kelley’s direction, lowering her arms to rest on top of her lap, on top of Kelley’s legs. “Like seriously Em, I’m super proud of you.”

It takes Emily a moment to answer.

“Thank you,” she says eventually. “That - that’s really good to hear. It means a lot to me.”

Kelley doesn’t move her hand, instead just leaning forward to rest her chin on Emily’s shoulder. 

“Super proud of you,” she repeats, lightly kissing Emily’s bare cheek before pulling back to lean against the window again. 

She can’t be sure, but she thinks Emily blushes faintly under the artificial glow of the bus lights. 

*

The next morning, Kelley is one of the last ones down for breakfast. Almost all of the girls have already headed to the airport, but the girls heading to Salt Lake City for the Royals-Thorns game have a later flight out and don’t have to leave the hotel just yet. She heads down to find Tobin and Christen quietly squabbling over luggage and Becky doing her best to tune them out as she eats a plate of scrambled eggs. Armed with a cup of yogurt, Kelley throws herself into a chair next to Becky and slowly peels off the foil lid. 

“Hey,” Kelley says, kicking Becky’s foot. “You ready?”

Becky looks at her, unimpressed. 

“Ready to spend a flight in the vicinity of those two? No thank you,” she says. “Christen’s been trying to convince her to pack their jewelry in their carry-on for the last fifteen minutes and I’m about to go crazy if Tobin says ‘no, babe,’ one more time.”

Kelley snickers at Becky’s poor impression as Christen silently turns away from Tobin, who immediately grabs for her shoulder. 

“They’re bad,” Kelley says, licking the yogurt from the lid. “Why don’t you sit somewhere else?”

She motions across the large room, littered with the remnants of everyone else’s breakfast. 

“Because I was here first,” Becky says obviously. 

Not halfway through her yogurt, Emily finally comes in with Lindsey. Kelley grins automatically, lifting a hand to wave at them, and can’t help the way her heart just about skips a beat when Emily waves one in return. 

“I can’t wait to get on the plane,” Tobin says from across the table. She’s long since surrendered to Christen, who has excused herself to their room upstairs to finish packing. “Hey Sonnett, are your seats near ours on the plane?”

“I’ve got no idea,” Emily says as she comes over first, banana in hand. Kelley tries not to say anything about the way she plops into the seat next to her, instead just casually angling her body towards the right and hoping that it comes off naturally. “You’re totally asking the wrong person. Horan, where are we sitting?”

Lindsey sits next to Emily with a bowl of cereal, phone in her hand within seconds of being asked, and she’s got a reply for them seconds after that. 

“I’m next to Sonny,” Lindsey says, zooming in on the tiny flight itinerary they’ve been emailed. “Then Becky and Kell, you’re in front of us, and Tobin, Chris, and AD are in the row in front of you.”

Kelley doesn’t linger too long on the displeased expression on Becky’s face, instead watching Emily closely. 

“Oh, good,” Tobin says happily. “I’m with Christen.”

That earns a round of laughs from the table. 

“We’ve got to leave soon to make it through security and everything,” Becky reminds them all as she gets up from the table. “Okay?”

“Yeah, we’re already packed,” Lindsey says, nodding towards the suitcases her and Emily brought down with them. “We’re ready when you are.”

“Me too,” Kelley adds, pointing to her own belongings set down in the corner of the room. “Just gotta finish this and then we can go.”

Becky and Tobin go up to grab their things, and Kelley finds herself wishing that Lindsey wasn’t there. 

“So,” she says, reaching out her arm to knock Emily’s. “Too bad we’re not sitting together on the plane.”

“Yeah, too bad,” Emily says with a grin. “But I’m pretty sure Lindsey would miss me too much if I wasn’t with her.”

Lindsey makes a funny noise that Kelley decides to ignore. 

“What about me?” she says, knocking her arm again. “What if I’m the one missing you too much?”

Emily just takes a bite of her banana, smiling at Kelley the best she can manage as she chews. 

“Well?” Kelley pushes, and the third time she goes to hit Emily’s arm, she finds herself stopped in her tracks, Emily’s hand catching her fist with her free hand. 

“I think this is abuse,” she says through her mouthful, words muffled but the light in her eyes brighter than Kelley thinks she’s ever seen. There’s something about it that Kelley loves, that she wants to see over and over and over again. Something about it that she just can’t get enough of. 

“I would never abuse you,” Kelley promises, relaxing her hand from within Emily’s. She wants to twist their fingers together again, a feeling that she thinks she can commit to memory if it happens enough, a feeling she wants to remember if only so she can carry it with her at all times. “I’m just sad that I won’t be able to talk to you during the flight without being super annoying to everyone else.”

Lindsey snorts. Kelley had forgotten she was there. 

“How about this,” Emily says, swallowing thickly. “If Horan and I get an empty seat next to us, it’s all yours.”

Kelley’s chest balloons up, full and happy and so many things that she didn’t think would happen with Emily in front of her, but it somehow makes sense and Kelley just goes with it. It’s not like this is the first time that she’s felt this way with her, but it might be the first time she’s ever begun to recognize the feelings for what they are. There’s something that she can’t shake, but most importantly, she doesn’t want to shake it. She wants to hold onto the way she’s feeling and share it with Emily, share it because she doesn’t want it to be one-sided. 

“Besides,” Emily continues. “We’ve got a few days together in Salt Lake. You won’t be rid of me just yet.”

“Good,” Kelley says, mildly unnerved by the way the blood in her veins seems to be pounding along harder than usual, her heart working overtime to try and manage the way Emily makes her feel. Perhaps what’s most disconcerting is the way that Emily doesn’t seem to be shutting her down or pacifying her - she seems to genuinely be on the same page as Kelley. “Because I don’t want to be.”

*

By the time Kelley realizes that she’s been putting off calling her girlfriend for the past four days almost, it’s after the Royals and Thorns have tied and she’s sitting in the locker room, scrolling through her recent messages to try and find Tobin’s name. 

“I know she’s in here somewhere,” she mutters under her breath. 

“Just type in her name at the top, in the search bar,” Christen says, appearing over her shoulder. “Or wait - Sonnett’s at the top there, just text her.”

Kelley thumbs her way into her text thread with Emily, shaking Christen off. 

“You told me to text Tobin,” she says, mildly annoyed by the draw and by Christen’s tendency to base everything around Tobin and the fact that she hasn’t even responded to her girlfriend’s texts since the previous morning. She’d spent the entire day training and then pouting in her apartment over the fact that Horan was apparently holding Emily hostage, reduced to texting her constantly, finding solace in the fact that Emily was texting her back just as frequently. The last texts they’d sent each other before the game catch Kelley’s eye before she can compose a new message, and she takes a split second to reread them. 

**Kelley O’Hara: ** Good luck! But not like, too much luck

**Emily Sonnett: ** ha i don’t need your luck to win

**Emily Sonnett: ** trust me i’ve got plenty of experience defending cp

**Kelley O’Hara: ** Gotta go but play well bby

Emily hadn’t responded and Kelley doesn’t let that bother her, seeing as they they’d both been moments away from filing out onto the field, but what does bother her is the way Christen is attempting to dictate the message Kelley should send her. 

“Make sure you tell her it’s not my idea,” Christen says, pulling off her cleats and socks. “And make sure she tells Tobin that it’s not my idea. And make sure you - “

“Christen,” Kelley interrupts, not looking away from the screen as she continues to slowly compose the text. “If you’ve got something to tell Tobin, go tell her. She’s like, a two minute walk away.”

“I’d call her but the reception is bad down here, you know that,” Christen says, and Kelley just tunes her out. 

**Kelley O’Hara: ** Christen wants to go out, who’s down? Don’t make me go alone with her and Tobin please

Emily’s reply is near instant, and Kelley reads it with a satisfied smirk. 

**Emily Sonnett: ** just asked who wants to go out and like half the locker room screamed yeah

**Emily Sonnett: ** tell us where and we’ll meet ya

It keeps Kelley antsy, waiting to see Emily. She knows they’re supposed to head back to the hotel before they can even think about meeting them anywhere, and Kelley takes the opportunity to head back to her one-bedroom apartment and let Christen drive her to the club. There aren’t exactly many in the area and this particular one is more of a dive bar than anything, but it’s a Friday night and there’s likely to be dancing and Kelley can’t help but hold onto her phone tightly from her seat in the back of Christen’s car - she’s third wheeling much to her displeasure, but that’s not exactly new for her. Instead of paying attention to the way Tobin keeps trying to hold Christen’s hand over the center console and their debate about who’s driving home later, Kelley keeps focused on her texts, very decidedly refusing to exit her thread with Emily. 

**Emily Sonnett: ** linds is taking forever to change does this surprise anyone

**Kelley O’Hara: ** Leave her behind, I’m pretty sure she hates me anyway

**Emily Sonnett: ** lol she’d kill me and then you 

**Emily Sonnett: ** okay we’re leaving now

**Emily Sonnett: ** hello did lindsey get to you already

**Kelley O’Hara: ** No we just got here sorry, hurry up!

Kelley won’t admit it to anyone else, but when she sends Tobin to the bar to order them a round of beers, she spends the entire time tuning out Christen completely and instead trying to imagine what Emily might look like from across the high top they’ve managed to settle at, trying to imagine what she’ll look like in the dark of the bar, what she’ll wear and - 

She doesn’t finish that thought, instead allowing it to morph into a series of vague imaginary sensations and images that flash behind her eyes like a flip book. There’s something about it where Kelley doesn’t know that she’s allowed to really think like this, because despite all the moments they’ve shared together over the last week especially, there’s still no green light. There’s nothing definite or concrete that’s giving her a reason to pin all these feelings onto Emily, and while Kelley can tell herself that it’s fine to have feelings, that it’s fine to find Emily attractive - hell, who wouldn’t? She thinks briefly - she still can’t justify the lurch down low in her stomach when her phone buzzes again, this time just as Tobin returns. 

**Emily Sonnett: ** the uber took forever to get here but i’m coming i promise

**Kelley O’Hara: ** SOS 

**Kelley O’Hara: ** These two are actually grandmas, I need people my own age here

“We doing okay?” Tobin asks calmly, pushing a bottle towards Kelley. 

“She’s completely ignoring me,” Christen says, and Kelley looks up from her phone to thankfully see her wearing a look that is decidedly more amused than anything. 

“Were you telling her about how they ran out of your favorite pens on Amazon again?” Tobin guesses. “Because no offense, that one kind of put me to sleep too.”

Christen pouts, and Kelley occupies herself with drinking her beer until it’s nearly finished and Emily finally texts her back. 

**Emily Sonnett: ** have drinks ready pls

**Emily Sonnett: ** also does that mean i shouldn’t show up anymore?

**Kelley O’Hara: ** No way you’re the only reason I’m here

“Who do you keep texting?” Tobin says, looking over as Kelley locks her screen. “Shouldn’t your girlfriend be asleep by now?”

“How would you know that?” Kelley asks, a bit irritated at the mention. 

“Because you’ve complained about her bedtime before, and I can figure out time zones,” Tobin points out, clearly more observant than Kelley will ever give her credit for. 

“She’s texting Sonnett,” Christen says, taking baby sips of her own beer that Kelley knows Tobin will end up finishing. “That’s all she does anymore.”

Kelley is thankful she doesn’t ever really blush, because her face suddenly feels very warm. 

“I do other things,” she says as nonchalantly as she can. “I text other people.”

Christen doesn’t even say anything, and Kelley for just a brief moment wonders if she’s putting too much stock into their reactions, into their words, if she’s overthinking everything. It could be nothing, she tells herself, trying not to worry about it. There’s really nothing to worry about anyway. 

But then her drink is empty and Tobin’s already asking if Christen will mind if she has another, and Kelley is simultaneously annoyed that Emily isn’t there yet and excited to see her. She’s bored, wondering if maybe this was a dumb idea, if she should have just been okay with the fact that she’d gotten breakfast with Lindsey and Emily, and left it at that. It’s not like they won’t see each other again, but that wasn’t enough of a reason for Kelley to leave her alone for the night. 

**Emily Sonnett: ** almost there !

“I’ll get more drinks,” Kelley volunteers, antsy and tired of waiting. “What do you want?”

“Just get me a soda,” Christen says, and after Tobin asks for another beer, Kelley finds herself trying to get the attention of one of the bartenders, shooting off a text while she waits. 

**Kelley O’Hara: ** Come to the bar, getting drinks

“Can I get like, ten Coronas?” Kelley asks, sliding him a small wad of bills to keep him from hating her for the obnoxious order. “And while I’m waiting, a shot of your house vodka.”

It’s a spur of the moment decision, because she’s bored and wants Emily and thinks that if she’s got to wait any longer, she might as well enjoy the wait. It doesn’t take but a moment for the bartender to pour her a shot into a vaguely clean glass, the vodka almost sloshing over the side before he pushes it across the wooden bartop. She lifts it towards her mouth, taking a moment to make sure that Emily hasn’t texted her back, when - 

“Miss me?”

It’s Emily, grinning wide and finally there after what feels like hours. Kelley matches her grin instantly, lowering her wrist and instead pushing it towards Emily. 

“Here,” Kelley says, the gears switching in her brain. “Take this.”

Emily’s eyebrows rise as she does as she’s told, but she merely holds it as Kelley looks at her expectantly. 

“This is one hell of a hello,” Emily says, sniffing gingerly at the shot. “Um. No chaser? Are you trying to get me drunk or something?”

“No,” Kelley says, unable to stop the smile on her face. “No, but I’ve already got a beer in me and I want you to catch up.”

Emily laughs and Kelley takes a moment to drink her in. She looks good - better than good, actually, and it’s nothing special that Kelley hasn’t seen her in before but for some reason it’s hitting her differently, in a way that it never has before. Her hair is down for once and Kelley absently wonders why she doesn’t wear it like that more often. There’s a strong urge to reach out and touch her and Kelley almost gives in, but instead gets momentarily distracted by the bartender sliding a tray of beers towards her. 

“Thanks,” Kelley says, basic manners kicking as her brain stutters along, still caught up on the way Emily’s tank top is showing off her shoulders. 

“Hey, can we get another one of these?” Emily asks him, leaning closer to Kelley so he can see the way she holds up the shot glass. Kelley sends her a questioning look, and Emily just shrugs as he obliges. “No way am I doing this myself,” she tells Kelley, and a moment later Kelley can almost feel the thrill of the situation stretching between them, unable to describe exactly why Emily’s got her feeling hotter than she should, even in this stuffy bar at the tail end of summer. 

“You first,” Kelley says, and Emily shakes her head. 

“No way,” she says, tucking some hair behind her ear. “This was your idea.”

“Let’s do it together, then,” Kelley bargains, and Emily just smiles at her before relenting. 

“Okay, okay,” Emily gives in. “But you better actually do it.”

“I will,” Kelley says. “Come on, now. Don’t chicken out on me.”

“Chickens would never take straight vodka,” Emily says, sniffing it again. “Alright, let’s do this. I feel way too hyped for a single shot.”

“You should be hyped,” Kelley tells her. “I bought you that - that’s very special you know. I don’t buy drinks for just anyone.”

Emily looks pointedly at the cluster of beers waiting for them. 

“Shots,” Kelley corrects as Emily laughs at her. “I don’t buy shots for just anyone.”

“Sure, Kell,” Emily says, and there it is again, that bright look in her eyes that Kelley feels almost addicted to. They both tip back their shots and Kelley loves the way it goes down burning but hates the way it feels as it settles, almost making her gag in the same way Emily is doing next to her. 

“Jesus,” Emily says, swallowing what Kelley knows must be reactionary saliva pooling in the back of her throat. “That was...disgusting.”

“Gets the job done,” Kelley says. “And hey, if I can handle it, you can learn to too.”

“I mean, I just did,” Emily says. “I can handle anything you can.”

“Right,” Kelley says, running her tongue over her bottom lip. It tastes like pina colada Chapstick - courtesy of Christen’s middle console - and while she’s sure that Emily doesn’t mean what Kelley’s brain wants to think she does, the words still have her imagination spinning out of control. 

“Anyway,” Emily says, gaze alternating between Kelley and the beers. “Should we get these to everyone before they wonder where we’ve gone?”

Kelley doesn’t want to. She doesn’t want to share Emily, she just wants to stay at the bar with her in their own little bubble, but she knows that at the very least she should give everyone their drinks. Between the two of them, they manage to get the drinks to the table and carefully hands them out to the girls. Kelley pretends like she doesn’t see anyone eyeing her and really, she doesn’t, as she’s mostly preoccupied with watching Emily laugh at something Caitlin says, her mouth full of beer that she struggles not to spit out. Kling is there, unsurprisingly deep in conversation with Tobin and Christen, and Kelley decides to at least say hello. 

That doesn’t last long though, and the three of them have business to tend to (Kelley tries not to roll her eyes, but she doesn’t exactly feel like this is the time or the place), and Kelley greets Mallory who’s mostly here to hang out with her old teammates, and she just wants to be with Emily. She’s across the way, a proud look on her face as Lindsey and Ellie laugh at whatever she’s just said while Caitlin’s got an arm around her neck, and it’s like something in Kelley snaps. 

It’s that realization that’s been just out of reach, the one that’s been almost haunting her all week, and Kelley grips her beer tightly while watching her. It makes perfect sense, she thinks, watching the way Emily shakes her hair out of her face, and Kelley wants to be the one who tucks her hair behind her ears before leaning in close to look at those pretty bright eyes. Before she even realizes what she’s doing, Kelley’s moving around the table and zeroing on Emily. 

“Em,” Kelley says, and the music in the bar is getting a little louder and she has to speak up to be heard. 

“Hey, Kell,” she says with a cute smile. “What’s up?”

“Not much,” Kelley says, shooting a smile right back at her. “Want to come to the bathroom with me?”

Um,” Em says, and she glances at Caitlin for just a second before disentangling herself. “Yeah, sure. Let me just finish this really quick.”

It doesn’t take more than a couple of sips for her to finish her beer, and she accepts Kelley’s bottle before setting them both on the table and stepping away from her little group which has remained quiet during the short exchange. It’s not until Kelley reaches out a hand that Emily readily accepts that they say anything, Ellie being the one to speak up. 

“I love that we’re still doing bathroom buddies,” she says loudly, and Kelley nearly misses the way Lindsey trods on her toes. 

“You know,” Emily says, lingering for a second while Kelley tugs at her hand, “got to make sure this one doesn’t get into any trouble."

Kelley can’t take it anymore - she practically yanks Emily away and the two of them cross the bar as quickly as they can, the place slowly but steadily filling with bodies. 

“Careful with my arm,” Emily jokes, taking a few long strides to come next to Kelley. 

“Do you really think I’m trouble?” Kelley asks with raised eyebrows, and she finally,  _ finally  _ gets to twine their fingers together, the way she’s been wanting to all day. Emily doesn’t seem to mind at all, simply following Kelley’s lead as they get in the short line for the ladies room. 

“I think you are definitely trouble,” Emily says with a laugh. “The first thing you did when I got here was offer me a vodka shot - you know we’re still technically in season, right?”

“You know that’s technically bullshit, right?” Kelley counters, and Emily rolls her eyes good naturedly. 

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” she says. “But still, some of us have to get on a place in the morning and I really don’t feel like being hungover for that.”

“Well, you and I already cracked the code on how to deal with that one,” Kelley says. “You just keep drinking.”

“Right,” Emily nods. “I’ll just buy a bottle of champagne at the airport, no big deal. Mark definitely won’t say anything.”

“Of course not,” Kelley says, and she has to look up very slightly to see the way Emily’s eyes crinkle at the corners. 

“I’m not letting you get me in trouble this time,” Emily says. 

“Please,” Kelley scoffs. “Please don’t act like I get you in any trouble - anything you get into is all you. Trust me, I know what you’re capable of.”

“Oh?” Emily says with a vaguely impressed laugh that comes from the back of her throat as she points her index finger at her own sternum. “You know what I’m capable of? Why don’t you tell me then?”

It’s almost a challenge and Kelley loves it, she loves the way this flirty banter feels so familiar and starts to fill in all the spaces her brain has been itching to occupy since she invited Emily to her hotel room a month prior, and maybe even before that. It’s so satisfying, she thinks as they don’t stop grinning at each other, and yet somehow makes her hunger for more. Now that she’s putting the pieces together there’s something beyond exhilarating about this, about holding Emily’s hand in the middle of a line for the bathroom, focused on nothing but each other while their bodies are drawn together like magnets. 

All Kelley wants is to keep going, to keep pushing and keep Emily talking and keep herself moving, to keep going until she feels like she’s finally had enough. She doesn’t know what it’s going to take to make that happen but she does know that she’s willing to find out, willing to take her foot on the gas and stop worrying about pumping the breaks the way she has been.

Once they’re out of the bathroom, Kelley reaches for Emily’s hand again. 

“Ew,” she laughs. “It’s all wet still!”

“So?” Kelley asks, somewhat aware that she’s pouting. “Do you not want to hold my hand?”

She almost misses the way Emily’s expression falters for a fraction of a second, but brushes it off as a trick of the light. 

“Nah, I’ll hold your hand any time,” Emily says decisively, fingers squeezing a few times as they try to force their way through the crowds. “God, this place is way too busy for this time of night. Do you come here a lot?”

“Only when I’ve got out of town guests to impress,” Kelley says. “Come on, get another drink with me.”

Emily glances in the direction of the rest of the group. 

“Fine, but if Lindsey complains, I’m sending her to you,” Emily says. “And. You’re buying.”

“You’re lucky you’re cute,” Kelley tells her, and it feels daring, even though it’s nothing she wouldn’t say to Alex or Allie or even Emily on a weekday morning when they’re both stone-cold sober. Right now though, it seems to carry a different weight, and Kelley can’t tell if she’s the only one seeing it that way. 

She thinks that maybe she isn’t - that maybe Emily is seeing it like that too. 

“You’re lucky I’d rather hide from Lindsey than face her,” Emily says, and Kelley orders them both another shot and another beer, ignoring the face Emily pulls and the way she shakes her head in protest. 

“No way,” she says, adamant. “Kelley, you are absolutely not getting me fucked up tonight. And you seriously think you’re not the troublemaker between us?”

Kelley reluctantly pulls their hands apart to reach for the cash in the back pocket of her jeans, and once she’s counted out an appropriate amount of money, she leans over to kiss Emily on the cheek. Maybe her lips linger - Kelley isn’t really sure, because she’s definitely not drunk off of two beers and some shitty vodka, but she definitely feels intoxicated when she leans in close and smells whatever deodorant and laundry detergent is clinging to Emily’s shirt. 

“Kell,” Emily says, and it sounds like it could be cautionary as Kelley exchanges the cash for their drinks, but she doesn’t care at this point. 

She just wants Emily. 

It’s like a mantra in her head, she thinks as she makes Emily clink shot glasses with her, both of them laughing as Emily rags on her for not being able to afford mid-shelf alcohol. 

_ I want her.  _

It’s stuck in a loop as they down the shots, Emily handling it much better this time, and Kelley even comments on being impressed. Emily rolls her eyes and says something about having done this a time or two before, and Kelley thinks it as she watches Emily swap out the empty glass for her beer. 

_ I want her.  _

Kelley rolls the words all around her head, quickly getting used to them as Emily makes her promise to take the blame in case Mark tries to bust her. It’s laughable really, because Kelley knows Emily isn’t about to get sloppy (and neither is she) but she pretends to take the sentiment to heart and crafts a winding alibi for her that involves Lindsey accidentally mistaking vodka for water. It’s dumb and not believable in the least, but it makes Emily’s eyes fucking sparkle when she laughs and Kelley pats herself on the back for her creativity. 

_ I want her.  _

It’s all Kelley can think as they drink their beers right there at the bar, close and facing each other with their elbows propped up and forearms occasionally brushing, eyes never leaving each other’s face. Her thoughts are full of Emily’s hands as they loosely hold onto the bottle with a practiced ease, condensation gathering and dripping along her fingers until the drops settle right between them, melting into the little webs there.

_ I want her.  _

“Let’s dance.”

Kelley blurts it out casually, randomly, the thought coming to her during a lull in their conversation during which she finishes her drink. She’s not sure why she says it, but there are plenty of people dancing towards the far end of the bar, in the empty space between the bathrooms, and Emily has tucked her spare hand in the front pocket of her jeans, thumb sticking out, and Kelley can’t help but keep looking at it. Emily looks at Kelley like she’s not sure if she heard her correctly, so she repeats herself. 

“Why?” Emily asks, and it’s not like she isn’t considering it - more like she’s just curious. 

“Because,” Kelley says. “I want to.”

She does a little shimmy thinking it might make Emily laugh, and while it definitely does, it’s more of a nervous laugh. 

“So what,” Emily starts, “you buy a girl a drink and you think she’ll do whatever you want her to?”

“No,” Kelley says, shaking her head. She’s not drunk, not at all, but she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t at least a little tipsy at this point. Everything is pleasantly warm and she’s almost used to the tightness in her chest by now, and she thinks that maybe Emily is right about where she is if she can judge by the way that Emily’s fingers slip ever so slightly as she pushes her bottle onto the bar. 

“So then what?” Emily prompts, almost like she’s waiting for Kelley to say something in particular. “You don’t want to dance with Christen?”

Kelley straight up snorts at that, not even bothering to stifle her laugh. 

“I’d be really surprised if her and Tobin are still here,” Kelley says. “They’re so boring.”

“I know!” Emily says, running a hand through her hair. “I say that all the time. I mean sure they’re in love, but at what cost?”

“Seriously,” Kelley says, reaching out to smooth down a section of hair that’s been left awry. “Although if I’ve got to be honest, they’re probably having a pretty good time right now, actually.”

“Wow,” Emily says, eyes going wide. “Wow, I don’t think I want to think about that.”

“Then don’t,” Kelley says. “Come dance with me, please?”

That’s all it takes for Emily to give in, and it’s mere moments before they’ve joined hands again and this time it’s Kelley’s turn to make fun of Emily’s hand for being wet. 

“You’re the worst,” Emily tells her, taking her hand back and wiping it on the back of Kelley’s top, her fingers briefly dragging along the skin exposed by her crop top. “I’m never letting you hold my hand again.”

“You’re lying,” Kelley says, and they have to lean in close to hear each other, but she definitely isn’t complaining about the proximity, and neither is Emily. “Come on, give me your hand.”

She stops when they’re decidedly among all the people dancing, and Kelley doesn’t think it’s too late, but it’s apparently late enough for everything to have devolved into something resembling the floor of a dance club. Reaching back an arm, she’s pleased to have Emily immediately curve her hand around hers, and she leans forward a little to gain some leverage to pull Emily back. It doesn’t take very much though, because Emily goes easily and Kelley is relieved and yet on edge when she feels their bodies just about crash together. 

_ I want her.  _

“Whoa,” Emily says in Kelley’s ear, and her voice is lower than usual. “Are we cuddling upright, now?”

“You can call it that if you want,” Kelley says, and she hadn’t planned on doing it like this, but they’d been mere inches apart the entire time were at the bar and she needs this. She needs the hot press of Emily against her, needs something to feed the words cycling in her brain, so that they don’t grow hungry and take over her being entirely. “Have you never danced with anyone before?”

“I don’t know that I’ve ever danced with you like this before,” Emily says, and Kelley lets her hips sway to the music, fingering tightening around Emily’s hand just in case she starts to think about letting go. 

“Is that a problem?” Kelley asks, even though she doesn’t want to, doesn’t want to give Emily the chance to say no. She can almost feel the breath on the side of her face as Emily leans in to speak to her, the music changing to something a little less fun and a little more rhythmic. 

“No,” Emily says after a moment, her right hand snaking forward to curve along the waist of Kelley’s jeans. “I mean, I do this with Lindsey all the time.”

Kelley almost doesn’t hear that part and she can’t tell if she was meant to or not, if that’s even that was actually said, so she chooses to ignore it. Her heart is pounding in her chest, too big to be contained by her ribs, and there’s something about feeling bigger than her body that makes her feel invincible. She keeps dancing, moving to the beat of the song, one that she doesn’t know off the top of her head but still provides the perfect soundtrack for this moment. If this moment never ended, Kelley thinks, she’d be almost fine with that. 

But then time keeps pressing on and Emily’s fingers dig into her hip, their joined hands coming to rest on Kelley’s upper thigh, and she’s not sure who did that but she is sure that the voice in her head is repeating itself over and over, in time to the music. 

_ I want her.  _

_ I want her.  _

_ I want her.  _

Maybe it’s the alcohol or maybe Kelley just feels like she’s floating because she doesn’t think she’s ever moved like this with Emily so close to her, she doesn’t know, but it takes her another song or two to realize that Emily isn’t exactly moving with her. Rather, she’s keeping what feels like a single inch between them so that Kelley’s backside only brushes up against her every so often, and Kelley thinks that that’s not fair at all. She thinks that she’s got to even things out, make things fair, and she quickly moves to twirl herself around to face Emily. 

“Hey,” Kelley says, and her voice comes out funny as she wraps her arms around Emily’s neck. It feels scratchier than usual, and she wonders if Emily can tell. “You’re not dancing.”

“I am too,” Emily says, craning her neck down so she can speak into Kelley’s ear. “You’re just very...enthusiastic.”

“Is that a bad thing?” Kelley asks, and Emily’s hands flit around her - from the front of her hips, to the sides of her waist, then the center of her back, fingertips sweeping low, before settling perfectly on her hips, curving around Kelley with slightly more pressure than she would have anticipated, and Kelley isn’t mad about it. She’s quite the opposite actually, and she steps in even closer to Emily, giving her the best pout she can manage. 

“It’s not bad,” Emily assures her, and Kelley gathers Emily’s hair with her hands, pushing it off her sweaty neck before pressing her palms against the skin there. “I’m just trying to figure you out.”

“There’s nothing to figure out,” Kelley says, eyebrows drawing together. “I just want to dance with you.”

_ I want her.  _

It feels like a lie, a stretch of the truth, but Emily’s got this look on her face that Kelley doesn’t think she’s ever seen before and there’s something about it that makes her not care about simplifying how she feels. Emily’s eyes seem dark and Kelley finds that she likes it just as much as when the go light, maybe even a little more. Her face is super concentrated but she doesn’t seem to be looking at anything, and Kelley licks her lips again. The chapstick has rubbed off by now and all she tastes is alcohol and a hint of salt, and all she tastes is want. 

“I am dancing with you,” Emily says, and when Kelley tries to move to the rhythm, she feels fingers splay out and tighten. It makes her delirious, the way Emily’s touch starts to creep up under the hem of Kelley’s crop top, and she can’t remember ever feeling anything this good. 

Kelley can’t keep track of how many songs play. She can only focus on her body pressed to Emily’s, and how they start off swaying almost awkwardly before getting in sync. Emily moves well, she knows this for a fact, has seen the control she exercises on the pitch and while dancing, and having that control exerted over her is thrilling, making Kelley feel like she’s at the apex of a rollercoaster, just waiting to come screaming down. Breathing doesn’t come easy and her head feels a mess, a jumble of thoughts and sensations and images that don’t exist in the bar, that have only ever existed in Kelley’s head. 

_ I want her.  _

It’s like her legs widen without her permission, seeking something that she isn’t even fully aware that she’s looking for. Kelley just feels too good and too hot and Emily is too close, but she wouldn’t have it any other way. Her stance shifts and Emily’s legs must bend slightly to accommodate her, and part of Kelley is laughing hysterically at the situation, reminding her of her college days and dancing like this as a joke, as a prelude to something involving far fewer clothes. 

Looking up at Emily just about steals all the air out of Kelley’s lungs. She’s beautiful, Kelley thinks, her mouth open just a touch and her eyes still dark, maybe even darker than before. She’s looking at Kelley who wonders if they’ve been staring at each other this entire time, and maybe she’s just been too into the way she feels to be cognizant of that fact. It could be frightening, the way arousal spikes hot and cold through Kelley’s every nerve ending, but it’s just another one of those things she’s been trying to pin down for a while and she welcomes it, welcomes the physical feeling for what it is and just about moans - but instead, she digs her teeth into her bottom lip and grinds against Emily harder, trying to see how far she can push her luck. 

When it happens, Kelley’s wedged a thigh between Emily’s in an attempt to get closer. It’s desperate but she’s past worrying about what any potential spectators must be thinking - they’ve been in their own bubble for most of the night, just like how Kelley likes it. She wedges a thigh between Emily’s and at first it gives Kelley exactly the response she wants, with Emily grinding down with more force than Kelley’s been able to use in the duration of their time on the dance floor. It makes Kelley feel like she’s flying, flying down the descent of the rollercoaster, and Emily does it again, and then it happens. 

It all happens in quick succession, and Kelley is confused at first. Emily’s head tilts back and her eyes flutter shut and then she’s backing away and Kelley’s suddenly alone, her vision swimming as her eyes try to focus on anything that isn’t immediately in front of her. She feels lost and shocked but still manages to see Emily wind between people in the direction of the front door, and it’s like having a bucket of ice dumped over her head. 

Kelley goes after her, her fight or flight response kicking in with such strong force that she doesn’t register anything except for the unexpected coolness that brushes over her skin as she bursts outside just in time to see Emily gasping on the sidewalk. 

“Hey,” Kelley says, her voice rough but concerned. She crowds Emily without thinking about it, framing her face with her hands, peering up intently. “Hey, Em, are you okay?”

“I need air,” Emily says, her voice so low but so tight that all of Kelley’s alarm bells are going off. 

“I’ve got you,” Kelley says, one hand moving to stroke at her fine hair. “I’ve got you Em, it’s okay. Can you tell me what happened?”

Emily’s eyes screw up before opening, and she lets out a giant exhale while taking a step back, stepping away from Kelley. 

“I need air,” she repeats, and Kelley ignores the instinct to get close to her again, to hold her tight and make sure everything is okay. 

“Okay, okay,” Kelley says. “You need air, okay.”

Emily takes a few shaky breaths and Kelley is worried - she doesn’t know if she’s ever seen her like this before. 

“Please, Em,” she pleads. “Can you please tell me what’s wrong?”

“I think I drank just a little too much,” Emily says, her voice unsteady, skittering all over the place as she rubs at her temples and stares down at the ground. “Just a little too much, and I don’t think I had a lot to eat after the game and I ran all over trying to keep Christen and Amy in check - “

She cuts herself off and Kelley almost feels guilty. 

“I’m sorry,” she says. 

Emily’s head jerks up to look at her, eyes wide and unusual guarded.

“For what?” she asks. 

“For pushing you to drink.”

“You didn’t make me do anything,” Emily says automatically, and Kelley feels lost for words as a late summer breeze blows between them. 

“I wonder if everyone left,” Emily mutters, pulling out her phone with trembling hands. “Shit, I think they did.”

“Let me call you an Uber,” Kelley says quickly, thinking about how she can fix this, how she can make this up to Emily. 

“Fuck,” Emily says, scrolling on her phone. “Fuck, Lindsey is going to kill me.”

“Don’t worry about Horan,” Kelley tells her, reaching for her own phone. “Let me call us an Uber, okay? Come to mine and worry about Horan tomorrow.”

“Fuck,” Emily repeats, but her chest isn’t heaving quite as violently as before and Kelley considers that progress. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, of course,” Kelley says, already pulling up the app and navigating her way through it. “Look, I’m closer than the hotel and we’ll set an alarm and I can drive you over in the morning. I’m the one who made you drink as much as you did - let me make this better.”

Emily takes several measured breaths, and by the time Kelley tells her to expect a ride in the next three minutes, she seems much improved. 

“Okay,” she says, tucking her hair behind her ears. “Fuck, I don’t know what happened to me. Normally I’d have no problem drinking like that.”

“It’s okay,” Kelley says, and it’s hard to not reach for her the way she wants to. “I’m sorry, okay?”

“It’s not your fault,” Emily says. 

“Can I hug you?” Kelley asks, and she hates the way it takes Emily a long moment to answer. 

“Why?” Emily asks, unsure. 

“Because I want you to feel better,” Kelley says obviously. If there was any less alcohol in her blood, she’d be questioning whether or not Emily even wanted a hug in the first place. 

“Yeah,” Emily exhales, nodding and dropping her arms to her sides. “Yeah, that would be okay.”

Kelley doesn’t waste any time but she is careful and she moves forward, tucking her head in Emily’s neck and wrapping her arms up and around her. She tries to not hold too tight but it’s hard to restrain herself, and she relaxes against Emily when she finally reciprocates, slinging her arms low around Kelley’s hips, and Kelley can feel her hands locking together at the small of her back. 

“Thank you,” Kelley says as they separate. 

“For what?” Emily questions. 

“For letting me fix this,” Kelley says with a shrug. Her phone is still in her hand and she checks it to make sure they catch their ride. “Come on, it’s almost here.”

They ride home in quiet on opposite sides of the backseat of the car, but it’s not weird. It feels almost normal in a way that definitely isn’t normal for them, and Kelley doesn’t touch her phone but instead sneaks glances at Emily’s profile. She wonders if this can be the start of a new normal for them, and when she reaches out a hand to nudge at Emily’s thigh, she earns herself a small soft smile that reassures her that everything is okay. 

“Hey,” Emily says quietly. 

“Everything okay?” Kelley asks. 

“You know, you’re always checking in on me,” Emily tells her. 

“I guess I am,” Kelley says, unperturbed. “I mean I care about you Em. That’s not a surprise.”

“No, I guess it’s not,” Emily says, and she reaches out a hand of her own to cover Kelley’s. “Thank you for taking care of me - even though I really don’t need to be taken care of.”

“I know you don’t,” Kelley says, because it’s true. Emily can fend for herself, she’ll never doubt that, but she glows a little on the inside at the knowledge that Emily will let her help. 

Back at Kelley’s apartment, she realizes that Emily has never been there before. 

“It’s nothing much,” she says, flipping a light on. “I mean, you know I don’t live here full time.”

“No, I get that,” Emily says, following her in so Kelley can close the door behind them. “No judgment here.”

“Do you want the grand tour?” Kelley jokes, sweeping a hand over the main room. It’s an open floor plan with the essentials and not much else, but she’s just glad that she doesn’t have to share with anyone else, even if there are other players who live in the same building. It’s her own little space to have to herself and she’s especially grateful for that in the moment as Emily steps further inside, running a hand along the back of the sectional that takes up most of the living room. 

“I think I do, yeah,” Emily says, shooting her a smile. “I might need to use the bathroom.”

“Come on,” Kelley says, motioning her towards her bedroom. “Sorry if it’s a mess, I obviously wasn’t expecting anyone - “

“It’s not messy at all,” Emily says, and a glance backwards shows her roving her eyes over everything. “It’s not bad at all, really.”

“Do you want clothes to change into?” Kelley offers, pointing Emily in the direction of her en-suite. “You look good in that, but I’m thinking to sleep…”

“Yeah,” Emily says, reaching up a hand to scratch at the side of her neck. “Yeah sure, I’ll take whatever.”

“You’re so low maintenance,” Kelley says as she goes for her dresser, pulling open a drawer full of t-shirt. She rifles through them until she finds one that she thinks Emily might like - oversized, worn soft, might have belonged to her brother at one point - and tosses it too her. Emily catches it smoothly, shaking it out to get a good look as Kelley opens another drawer to look for bottoms. 

“Don’t act like that’s a bad thing,” Emily says, catching the black spandex Kelley throws her way next. “I could be like Lindsey and start demanding something that doesn’t have a tag and shorts with a drawstring and - “

“I get your point,” Kelley says, ushering her into the bathroom. “I’m pretty sure there are extra toothbrushes under the sink and toothpaste in the medicine cabinet.”

“Anticipating a lot of overnight guests?” Emily says, and Kelley thinks she might be teasing but can’t be totally sure. 

“No,” she scoffs. “I just keep a few as backup because I’m an adult.”

She’s not sure who closes the door - it’s one or both of them, hands on the knob, and Kelley waits for a second but doesn’t hear the lock click as Emily begins moving around. Her heart speeds up as she stands there for a few seconds, but then she shakes her head to herself and moves for the kitchen. She gets herself a glass of water and downs it, then fills it up again and leaves it on the counter. Busying herself isn’t easy but she does her best, plugging her phone into the charger besides her bed and it’s almost weird to not see any notifications there, no unread texts from Emily waiting for her. That’s okay though, she thinks, because what she’s got right now is even better than a few special words on a screen. 

The time alone gives her a bit to think about how she’s feeling, but Kelley’s mind is full of the way Emily’s body felt against hers and how she smelled so good and fresh, something that Kelley wants to bury her face in. She runs a brush through her hair and thinks about changing while Emily is still in the bathroom, holding the pajamas she wore the night before, when the bathroom door creaks open. 

“It’s all yours,” Emily says, her tank and jeans folded neatly in her arms. She looks soft and familiar and Kelley hasn’t seen her like this in ages - she hadn’t looked this vulnerable back in California, and it brings her back to France when they’d spent hours tucked away in the hotel room with Mal and various permutations of the other young girls. She wonders if that’s when this had started, because it’s been somewhat difficult to pin down the timeline of it all, but looking at Emily with the hem of the shirt falling down near the hem of the spandex, Kelley thinks that maybe it doesn’t matter. 

Maybe it doesn’t matter when it all started, and it only matters that they’re here now. 

Because Emily’s got great legs and Kelley drinks them in, and she’s not entirely sure why but the phrase tall drink of water comes to mind. She wasn’t ever really drunk to begin with but it’s like she’s as close to sober as she’s been since the night began and it’s nice, she thinks absently, the way she’s got a soft Emily Sonnett standing in front of her. They’re alone and it doesn’t feel weird - it almost feels calm, like there’s nothing wrong and everything is fine and the fact that it’s just the two of them is completely normal. 

This is what Kelley wants her new normal to be, she thinks, and it’s a part of the series of revelations she’s been having and despite the fact that they keep coming, she’s not afraid at all. Maybe she would be a little more apprehensive, more scared, a little less willing to do anything about the way she’s been feeling if she didn’t think that maybe, just  _ maybe,  _ Emily’s been feeling the same way she has. There’s been something in the way they’ve been dancing around this, going back and forth in Kelley’s mind that’s got her thinking that this is it for them. 

This could be it, she thinks in awe, staring at Emily. 

But then Emily clears her throat and sets her clothes down on an empty spot on Kelley’s dresser and it’s like a trance is broken. Kelley shakes her head clear - as clear as it can be, at least - and clears her throat before speaking. 

“Thanks,” Kelley says, and they have to edge last each other to trade places, and Emily feels warm and smells minty and Kelley wonders how it’s possible for her to still be holding herself together. Subconsciously she knows why, and that reason has been silent in her phone for too long and yet not long enough, but Kelley doesn’t want to address that quite yet. Not yet, but maybe later. 

“I left you water in the kitchen,” Kelley says, remembering as she goes to close the bathroom door. “If you want it.”

“Thanks, Kell,” Emily says, and then Kelley gets a moment alone. She doesn’t want it though, wants to be back out there with Emily, and she changes and gets ready for bed as fast as she can and part of her wonders if this is weird, to get ready separately from each other when they’re definitely not strangers to sharing a hotel room or a locker room. It seems to almost add to what’s been building all night and that’s the only reason Kelley allows it, because this all feels so new and even though it feels like Emily is right beside her, she’s been trying to respect the fact that she still seems to need a little space. 

Kelley wants to respect that, but it’s hard when she goes out and finds Emily laying on the couch. She’s under a throw blanket Kelley keeps thrown over the back of the couch and while she looks like she belongs there, like that’s where she should be laying when Kelley returns from practice, it’s not where she belongs at the moment. 

“Okay, no,” Kelley says, stopping dead in the door of her bedroom, and Emily looks away from her phone to make eye contact with her. 

“What?” Emily asks. “Do you have a charger I can borrow?”

“Yeah, but you’re not sleeping on the couch,” Kelley blurts out before she can check herself. 

“What?” Emily asks, confusion etched onto her face as she puts her phone down beside her. 

“There’s like, a perfectly good bed in there,” Kelley says, pointing back at her room. 

“Yeah, your bed,” Emily says. “I’m not taking it.”

Kelley doesn’t waste any time coming over and scooting in next to Emily on the sectional. 

“We can share,” Kelley says, and she feels a bubble of happiness grow inside of her as Emily turns to look at her, their faces almost too close together. 

“No,” Emily says, and it’s firm, too firm, and Kelley wants to argue but she just looks too lovely like this, all clean and settled into her apartment. “Look Kelley, I’ve got to wake up early anyway and I’ll have to set an alarm - “

“I’ll have you wake up with you,” Kelley interrupts. “Unless you were planning on teleporting to the hotel.”

Emily doesn’t have anything to say to that, her mouth pressing into a thin line that Kelley can just tell is hiding a smile. 

“I’m not sleeping in your bed,” she says resolutely, and Kelley rolls into her side a little, settling in against the throw pillow that Emily’s got propped up behind her. “Okay? You’ve done enough for me already. I’m kind of intruding here and - “

“You’re not intruding,” Kelley interrupts again, and she’s surprised when Emily reaches over her hand, pressing it to Kelley’s mouth. 

“Be quiet, you,” she tells Kelley, a fond look in her eyes. “I feel like I’m kind of intruding. I mean, I assume there’s a reason I’ve never been here before. Not that there’s like, anything wrong with wanting your own space to yourself, because I totally get that.”

“You’re not intruding,” Kelley says again, muffled against Emily’s hand. Emily pulls it away, and Kelley does her best to cuddle into her side, her head resting on top of Emily’s right bicep. It feels sweet and intimate, and Kelley wishes she could kiss the top of Emily’s head, or vice versa. “But if you’re not going to come to bed, I’m not moving from right here.”

“You’re so bossy,” Emily says, but it feels like a compliment, the way she says it. “We can’t both sleep here, Kell. We’ll feel like shit in the morning.”

“I had such a good time with you tonight,” Kelley says, changing the subject and moving some more. She lifts the blanket so she can roll on top of Emily who lets out a little huff and a groan, but replaces the blanket nevertheless. 

“You’re heavy,” Emily says wiggling around and pushing Kelley so they can get comfortable, her hands on her waist, guiding Kelley where she wants her. 

“Did you have a good time?” Kelley asks when they stop moving so much, one of her legs slotted between Emily’s, her face in Emily’s neck, her arms curving up towards Emily’s shoulders. 

“Do I have to answer that?” Emily asks, her hands coming up to rest on the small of Kelley’s back, and Kelley thinks that maybe she’d like to stay like this forever. Or, at the very least, the night. There’s something so comforting about laying like this, and Kelley can’t remember ever falling asleep like this, but she suddenly feels tired. The long day it hitting her hard, and she doesn’t even know what time it is, but she really doesn’t care. 

“Yes,” Kelley says, her lips brushing the skin of Emily’s neck as she speaks. “You must. Otherwise you’ll hurt my feelings.”

Emily’s finger rub absently at Kelley’s back through her shirt. 

“I had a good time with you, Kell,” she says, and Kelley thinks that she sounds as tired as she feels. 

“Good,” she says, eyes closed, head feeling heavy. “That’s important to me.”

She thinks she might hear Emily say something in return, but her brain refuses to process it, and then everything goes dark, and she’s never felt so blissed out in her life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all this great feedback and the magnitude of the response to this story has made me so happy! that being said i know this chapter was giant but it didn't feel right to cut it shorter at any point as i had such a clear vision of where kelley and sonnett needed to be before getting to the next chapter. anyway please come chat with me about this or leave a comment and know how grateful i am for all my readers :)


	4. four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains way more lindsey horan than i thought it would so hopefully that's not an issue. 
> 
> once again, get comfortable!

Falling asleep has never been much of a problem for Emily. 

It hasn’t ever mattered how much stress she’s been under, how full her brain has been, or how many naps she might have had earlier in the day. It’s almost like a switch she can turn off in her brain where she can fall asleep as soon as she lays her head down and tries to quiet her mind. It’s a useful quality, she knows, when traveling as much as she does between time zones and to unfamiliar places, and she almost loves it when Lindsey gives her shit for it - Lindsey, who requires a sleepytime playlist and several pillows propped up around her before she can even think about falling asleep. 

Really, it shouldn’t be surprising that she fell asleep the way she did: half propped up on a tiny throw pillow she’d been suckered into sharing, the heavy weight of another full-grown human being on her, a thin blanket barely covering her. Not exactly ideal circumstances, but Emily’s had perfectly satisfying sleeps in worse places (some of the first to come to mind are hotel beds with at least three other teammates all crammed in, a hammock strung between two trees on campus, multiple red eye plane rides in a middle seat). When she finally begins to rouse, there isn’t anything immediately alarming about the circumstances, most likely because this definitely isn’t even close to the worst position she’s ever slept in for an entire night. 

She might be fast to fall asleep, but has always been slow to rise. Sure, there have been many mornings of missed alarms and jumping out of bed much quicker than she’d like, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t require multiple coffees to accompany her bedhead in those situations. No, when waking up normally, Emily takes her time, gradually peeling her eyes open and snoozing her alarms so many times that Lindsey has, on several occasions, come storming into her room to turn them off. 

She thinks it’s ridiculous. Emily thinks there’s nothing wrong with it as long as she makes it to practice on time, and she always does. 

So when Emily wakes up, it takes several moments to register where she is, exactly. The fact that she’s on the road as often as she has been lately means that it’s a bit of a process, in which she takes stock of the surface under her and the linens on top of her, but there’s clearly several things very different about this particular situation and, well, that complicates her process. It doesn’t take long, maybe a few moments at most, but it does take longer than usual.

Her back aches slightly and okay, she’s on a couch, Emily gathers quickly from the slightly scratchy fabric under her that’s nothing like the smooth cotton of a set of sheets. Then there’s the unsupportive pillow that’s only half under her head; her neck is bent at a weird angle to try and take advantage of the little space afforded to her. The biggest glaring difference though is the motionless body on top of her, and Emily mentally freezes when she registers the way that she’s holding Kelley. 

In the back of her subconscious mind, of course Emily knows that they had fallen asleep like this. She hadn’t been drunk, not even close, nothing that would have kept her from being totally aware of the situation. The only excuse she can give herself is that she’d been exhausted, tired from traveling and practicing and playing more minutes than she’s played in a while. 360 regulation minutes in less than two weeks, which shouldn’t be much, but her mind and body are tired and it had been so easy - almost too easy, really - to fall asleep the way she had. Once Kelley had faded and made it very clear that she wasn’t going to be easy to move, Emily had let the muscles in her neck relax and her eyes close and it had been very straightforward from that point on. 

She’d fallen asleep almost instantly. 

None of this seems weird, which begs many questions. It’s like Emily is almost supporting Kelley, keeping her from rolling off the coach, and the slight ache in her arms makes her wonder if that’s what she’s indeed been doing all night. They’re tense and slung around Kelley’s waist and their legs are a mess - Emily can barely discern whose limbs are pressed up against hers and she’s too reluctant to move in case she ends up waking Kelley. 

Kelley, whose face is absolutely mashed up against Emily’s chest, veering into shoulder territory, is breathing evenly, deeply, and it’s really a miracle that they haven’t moved very much during the night. For some reason Emily can’t shake the thought of reaching up a hand, of brushing her fingers along the length of Kelley’s back, of taking advantage of her in this weird space between sleep and awareness that Emily seems to be lingering in. Her eyelids still feel almost weighted, like she only has the strength to peek out and take in tiny visual clues, one at a time, but she doesn’t mind. It’s nice, Emily thinks, absently and instinctively unlinking her grasped hands - grasped to keep Kelley where she is, grasped tight in sleep - so that she can tuck one up and under the hem of Kelley’s t-shirt, gravitating towards the overly warm skin of the small of her back. 

Maybe it’s just that she’s done this before, Emily will think in the coming minutes in order to justify what she does. She’s been half asleep, tucked into tight spaces with pretty girls whose shirts she’s had permission to sneak her hands underneath. All the instances kind of blur together nonspecifically until the only thing left in her brain is the instinct to feel soft heated skin, to skim her hand over the dips of muscle there, to find the little dimples on either side of the spine and press gently with the pad of her thumb. Yes, Emily will think quickly, that’s all it is. Pure habit, instinct, something that had been instilled in her a while ago when she was doing this in tiny twin dorm beds and trying to soak up every last bit of artificial intimacy that existed in those moments. 

She’s got less of a justification for her other hand though, and the way it crosses over her chest to reach for Kelley’s head, for her hair, tangling through the strands and curving to fit against her skull. Kelley feels so small like this, so fragile and human and nothing like the fiercely independent and headstrong teammate of hers. In the moments before she wakes, in a haze, Emily thinks that this is new and different and it feels the way it looks when sunlight pokes through the slats of blinds and illuminates the beautiful floating dust in the room. Everything is suspended in that sunlight, and Emily doesn’t even want to breathe in case the sun loses its tenuous grip and all the dust shatters and disappears from view. 

But she does breathe and her fingers are steady as they move, tangling in Kelley’s loose hair, and she’s not sure exactly what does it because there are so many points of contact between them that it’s nearly suffocating. Emily isn’t sure of what makes Kelley blink her eyes open, barely visible from Emily’s point of view, but she can see enough to make her hand still.

“Feels good,” Kelley mumbles into the shirt she’s loaned Emily, and it makes her heart skip a beat that she prays Kelley can’t hear, ear jammed up right below her right collarbone. Her voice is thick with sleep and it’s almost endearing, making Emily’s throat feel like it’s jammed tight and she can’t get any air through it. She doesn’t speak, doesn’t reply, just resumes the motion and runs her fingers through Kelley’s hair. The strands glint amber and gold in the early morning sun and Emily’s got no idea what time it is, but her alarm hasn’t gone off yet and she’s still waking up, and she thinks that if there was one moment in time she could stay in forever, this would be it. 

Kelley seemingly wakes faster than Emily, neck turning to press her face into Emily’s chest to take a few long breaths. It’s relaxing, Emily watching the rise and fall of her back while feeling Kelley’s lungs expand against her stomach. The palm pressed to her lower back almost burns, and Emily contemplates pulling it away in favor of holding Kelley more securely, but then Kelley’s lifting her head and their eyes are meeting and everything else kind of melts away. Emily’s spare hand falls to her own chest, resting lightly on her breastbone. 

“Hey,” Kelley says, and it lasts for a fraction of a second, but Emily would swear under oath that it feels like forever. It’s like the sun gets brighter and the dust sparkles harder and Emily’s not sure how she’s breathing at all anymore. Then suddenly, like time speeds up and Emily can’t process what happens until it’s over; Kelley quickly stretches up and her face is nearly level with Emily’s. Another millisecond and Emily really is entirely on fire, but not in a good way, because Kelley is moving her face into the space right in front of Emily’s and her lips are pressing to the skin there, lips moving against the corner of Emily’s mouth almost like she’s mapped it before and knows exactly where she’s looking for despite the fact that her eyes are mostly closed, like a bullet perfectly aimed at its target. 

Emily can’t breathe. 

“Get up,” she chokes, and it’s a whirlwind, the way she’s pushing at Kelley’s body, pushing away instead of pulling in and she can’t get up like this. She just wants to run and run away from this, away from the overwhelming intimacy and betrayal and she’s not sure whether it’s her or Kelley doing the damage but she does know that she doesn’t think she can forgive herself for this, for putting them in this position and for laying there soaking it all up instead of doing the right thing and - 

“Get up!”

This time, Kelley shoots up like she’s been electrified and Emily isn’t even really seeing her, instead scrambling to her own feet and gasping for air. Her hands feel like they’re blistered, burned after the contact between them, and she wipes them on the shirt she’s wearing to try and ease the sensation. 

“Em - “

Kelley reaches out and Emily barely processes the look on her face, her own mind taking a horrible winding journey in trying to make sense of what’s just happened, of how she let herself even get here in the first place. She just twists away and stiffens so that Kelley gets the message and doesn’t come any closer, and it’s so quiet aside from her own ragged breathing that Emily suddenly understands the expression, could hear a pin drop. 

The pin in this moment is the frantic buzzing of a phone, and Emily whirls around on the spot to try and find hers. She can’t remember what she did with it, just that she was setting an alarm and waiting for Kelley to finish getting ready for bed so she could ask for a charger. 

Fuck. 

Her phone is half tucked between two couch cushions, dead to the world and completely black and fuck, Emily thinks, her hands burning again. 

So it’s not her phone going off. 

“What time is it?” Emily asks urgently, panicked, turning again to look at Kelley who looks a little shell-shocked herself. 

“Um,” Kelley says, hand jumping up to push her hair off her face. “Shit, let me check.”

She beelines for her room, moving fast and shifting her hips to cut a narrow corner around the couch. Emily’s own brain snaps to attention and she takes several steps until she can see Kelley’s microwave, 6:37 flashing on the screen. 

_ Fuck _ . 

Survival mode kicks in - she’s supposed to be on the bus at seven o’clock sharp and her phone is dead and she doesn’t have any of her things. 

“It’s Lindsey,” Kelley says, appearing in her bedroom door, her face as white as a sheet. She’s holding up her phone, with Lindsey’s name scrolling through at the top and Emily doesn’t even think before she’s moving and snatching it away, answering the call as fast as she can. 

“My phone died,” she says as soon as the call connects. “Shit Linds, my stuff.”

“I’ve got it,” Lindsey says, sounding lethal and Emily is nothing short of terrified. “It’s all packed. Just get here.”

“I will,” Emily promises, but the call has already ended and she can tell that Lindsey is actually going to kill her and  _ fuck _ . 

_ Fuck _ . 

Kelley’s phone screen is illuminated still as Emily removes it from her ear and she looks at it blindly for a second, but then it all registers and it feels like a bomb in her hand. There are texts and missed calls from Lindsey but they’re broken up strangely in the lock screen notifications, broken up by texts from someone else whose name brings Emily back to her initial panicked crisis. 

She just throws the phone back at Kelley who barely catches it. 

“It’s okay,” Kelley says, and Emily can hear her trying to be calm and confident in the way she’s always so good at. Right now though, it’s the last thing Emily wants to hear. “We’ll get ready really fast and here, we can plug your phone in now and in the car, and what is it, a fifteen minute drive, max? You can make it Em, you can - “

“Stop it!”

Emily even surprises herself with the way she shouts it, rubbing at her temples and feeling like she’s about to collapse in on herself, like this is what real panic feels like. It’s nothing compared to last night, which at the time she’d been pretty sure was the worst she’d ever felt. This feels ten times worse and she’s about to lose it, she can tell, from the way she feels so wildly out of control over this whole situation. She doesn’t even think she’s ever felt like this in her life, and that’s the only flimsy defense she has for the way she reacts. 

“It’s going to be okay - “ Kelley tries again, but Emily won’t let her. She can’t stand to do this anymore, to let herself continue to find comfort in the one person who’s been hurting her the most. 

“No, Kelley, it’s not!” Emily says heatedly, her voice raised. “What the hell are you up to here?”

Kelley looks stunned, her mouth open wide, and Emily can’t stand to look at it. She goes to the bathroom, brushing roughly past Kelley who just lets her go.

“What?” Kelley croaks out, and Emily ignores the way her voice cracks. “What are you talking about?”

Emily doesn’t answer. She hates the way she has a sky blue toothbrush propped up in a cup on the edge of Kelley’s sink, but she grabs for it and the toothpaste in the medicine cabinet and brushes her teeth angrily. It’s like she’s seething with anger, and Kelley appears behind her in the mirror with an uncharacteristically small look on her face. 

“Do you want a change of clothes?” Kelley asks quietly. “I can give you sweatpants or something, put your clothes from last night into a bag.”

Emily pauses in the middle of aggressively brushing her upper left molars and lets herself give a quick nod in response. Kelley dashes back into her room and Emily finishes brushing before rinsing, and chucks the toothbrush in the trash can next to the toilet before emerging. 

“Here,” Kelley says, pointing to a short stack of clothing on her bed. “Let me find something to put your clothes in.”

Emily doesn’t even bother to hide herself as she changes, but the frustration is closing on her and making it more difficult than it has to be. She barely manages to trade her bottoms for the old national team sweatpants Kelley has given her, and a small part of her brain is thankful that they don’t have the Royals logo emblazoned all over them - while grateful that she doesn’t have to put her dirty jeans back on, she doesn’t want to take back more of Kelley with her than she has to. Her feet keep getting stuck and she barely manages to get the waist of the pants up around her hips before Kelley is there again.

Kelley seems to always be there.

“Here,” she says, offering Emily a structured Lululemon shopping bag. “Figured it was better than a Target bag.”

Emily takes a break from dressing to stuff her old clothes in the bag, and then whips off her borrowed t-shirt to exchange it for a plain white one. Last night she’d felt weird about it all, weird about changing in front of Kelley no matter how many times she’d done it before, but she’s still got on a thin sports bra and it really shouldn’t matter. The whole world has seen her in a sports bra - why should Kelley be different from everybody else?

“Are you going to talk to me at all?” Kelley asks, and she’s starting to sound bold, and Emily thinks that that’s when the dam breaks. 

She balls up and then throws the sleep shirt at Kelley, who looks surprised but catches it easily. 

“No!” she nearly yells. “No Kelley, I don’t think I have anything to say right now.”

“We’ll get there,” Kelley says, rounding the bed to the other side to check on something - Emily’s phone, plugged into Kelley’s charger. “Lindsey texted and called you a bunch. It’s only 6:42, and we can be a couple of minutes late - “

“Don’t look at my fucking phone,” Emily says flatly, and Kelley seems to physically recoil before carefully setting the device down on her nightstand. 

“Okay,” she says, and Emily hates how calm she seems. “Okay, I won’t.”

“Go look at your own phone,” Emily says, feeling her mouth curl into a snarl. “Your girlfriend texted you a ton, you know.”

She fights with the shirt - she can’t find the arm holes easily, and then the neck doesn’t want to fit over her head very well, and she can’t see Kelley, but she does hear what she says next. 

“I don’t care.”

“You’re not going to text her back?” Emily asks, glowering as she finally gets her head through, pulling her hair out from under the neckline. 

“No,” Kelley says, and maybe it’s because Emily knows her so well that she can see the hint of fear in her eyes. “I’m busy right now trying to get you to the hotel, isn’t that what you want?”

“What I want?” she asks with derisive laughter, because this is so insane. 

“Well, isn’t it?” Kelley asks. “Isn’t that why you’re upset?”

Emily can’t speak, but not because she’s lost for words. Rather, she’s got too many crowding her head, and it’s a matter of figuring out which ones need to be said first. 

“You think I’m upset because I’m going to be a little late?” she asks, incredulous. “Jesus  _ fuck _ , Kelley, no. I’m upset because you think it’s fine to try and kiss me while your girlfriend’s been trying to reach you for a while, apparently, judging by those texts on your phone.”

Kelley stiffens and Emily hates that she had seen that on her phone, had seen the requests to talk on the phone for the first time in days, hates that Kelley allows message previews, hates this entire thing and herself for being so weak. 

“That’s private,” she says, but Emily doesn’t care. 

“It doesn’t matter,” she says, and she shoves her feet into her shoes from the previous night, refusing to ask Kelley for some spare socks. “I don’t know what you’re playing at, but it doesn’t matter.”

“What I’m playing at?” Kelley asks. “What are you talking about?”

Emily just wants to scream, but she doesn’t. She steels herself and remembers her rules and her boundaries, breathing in and out and flexing her hands (she thinks that maybe they’ve stopped burning but now her heart is on fire, charring and blistering, and that’s taking up every bit of mindspace she has to spare) until she feels calm enough to say something. 

“Nothing,” she says, shaking her head. “Forget it.”

“No,” Kelley says, pleading. “Emily, come on. What are you talking about?”

Emily just keeps shaking her head. 

“Give me my phone,” she tells Kelley. “We need to go.”

Kelley looks upset for reasons that Emily can’t place and thinks probably aren’t fair anyway, but she listens.

As they leave the apartment, Kelley doesn’t leave her be. 

“Will you please explain this to me?” she asks after locking her door behind her. “If you’re mad at me or something, can you please tell me?”

“I’m not mad,” Emily says automatically. 

“I didn’t mean to,” Kelley says, and something caves in on Emily. She gets in the elevator and jabs at the button for the ground floor and then stares ahead at the doors, refusing to see Kelley who keeps her distance. 

“Em,” Kelley tries, and Emily just can’t, she just can’t listen to this, but she’s never been very good at tuning Kelley out. “Em, I’d just woken up and barely knew what I was doing and it was just dumb and - “

Emily bites her bottom lip,  _ hard _ , to keep from screaming at her. It feels suffocating, to stand in such close quarters to Kelley while feeling like she needs a Pacific Ocean’s amount of space between them right now. 

“That’s not fair,” she says, keeping her voice tight and measured. “You know that, right? That’s not fair to either of us. Or your girlfriend.”

“I know, I know,” Kelley says, and she reaches forward, her hand landing on Emily’s elbow. It’s easy to shake her off, and then the doors open and Emily steps out of the elevator as swiftly as she can. 

Neither of them speak again until they’re in Kelley’s car and Emily hates it so much, hates that Kelley drives the same car here that Emily drives in Portland. She goes to relax in the seat but it feels so wrong to be on the passenger side, so she busies herself with plugging her phone into the car charger as Kelley backs out of her parking space. From there she keeps her gaze forward, on the road, and thinks about the fact that the bus is supposed to pull away from the hotel in eleven minutes. 

“I’m sorry,” Kelley says, her voice thick with obvious emotion. Emily doesn’t want to hear it because Kelley’s got no right here, no right to be acting like this, to be hurting her like this and then turn around and act like she’s the poor damsel in distress. 

“It’s fine,” Emily says, but it’s hollow and she doesn’t even care about that. She’s spent way too long caring about Kelley, about acting a certain way around her, and she doesn’t have the strength to do that right now; she’s only got as much strength as it takes to hold herself together. 

“I really didn’t mean to, Em,” Kelley says, the nickname slicing through her painfully. “I swear, I was half asleep! And my girlfriend - “

“You don’t owe me any kind of explanation,” Emily says, cutting her off. “We don’t have to talk about it.”

All she wants is to be home in her own bed, sleeping until she feels strong enough to work these feelings off on the practice field. 

“But you’re upset,” Kelley says. “I want to talk about it, I don’t want you to be upset.”

“It’s fine,” Emily repeats, a bit more emphatically. “I’m not upset. You’re all good.”

Emily doesn’t glance sideways to see the way Kelley’s tightly gripping the steering wheel. No, she definitely doesn’t do that. The streets are just starting to brighten, the sun rising suddenly, and she keeps looking forward. 

“Emily,” Kelley says, and it almost sounds like she’s begging. “Please, will you please talk to me?”

“No,” Emily says, and it hurts her, but she wants to hurt Kelley and she doesn’t know how else to do that. “Just leave it and drive.”

Kelley listens, which Emily wasn’t expecting. She reaches for her phone just to give her hands something to do and it’s a bit like ripping off a bandaid when she sees the missed texts and calls, mostly from Lindsey. 

She’s got ten missed calls, but that’s nothing compared to the content of the texts, including the ones from the night before that she’s already read through. 

**Lindsey Horan: ** Are you just going to hang with Kelley the entire time or

**Lindsey Horan: ** Seriously, we’re leaving soon

**Lindsey Horan: ** You know she has a girlfriend still, right?

**Lindsey Horan: ** So I guess you’re going to hell instead of coming back to the hotel with us

**Emily Sonnett: ** shut up nothing happened

**Lindsey Horan: ** She keeps holding your hand ffs 

**Emily Sonnett: ** i’m gonna crash at hers and set an alarm, see you at the hotel

**Lindsey Horan: ** Fine but remember you did this to yourself

She remembers feeling reckless after reading through those texts in Kelley’s bathroom, thumbing out a reply while sitting on the toilet for entirely too long. She’d felt determined to prove something to Lindsey, to prove that she was capable of keeping things simply friendly between her and Kelley, to prove that she was bigger than a tiny crush, to prove that she could come back from what had happened at the bar. Of course, that had been before she woke up the way she did, but Emily refuses to entertain the possibility that Lindsey was right. 

**Lindsey Horan: ** Why won’t you answer my calls

**Lindsey Horan: ** Please tell me you’re awake

**Lindsey Horan: ** Emily why are my calls going straight to voicemail

**Lindsey Horan: ** Whatever, you dug yourself into this hole. Good luck getting out of it  when the bus leaves without you

**Lindsey Horan: ** Are you okay? I’m gonna try Kelley

**Lindsey Horan: ** Why aren’t either of you answering? Are you guys okay?

**Lindsey Horan: ** I can’t believe I’ve got to worry about this now

**Lindsey Horan: ** What the fuck is going on why isn’t Kelley answering

**Lindsey Horan: ** I’m going to kill you both

**Lindsey Horan: ** Just be here by 7, I’ll deal with you then

Emily feels embarrassed in a way that only Lindsey can make her feel - she almost feels ashamed. She hadn’t meant to mess everything up like this, she really hadn’t meant to inadvertently pull Lindsey into it, definitely hadn’t meant to let her phone die (although Lindsey’s calls definitely hadn’t helped the low battery issue), and hadn’t meant to wake up so late, worsening the entire situation. There’s nothing she can do to change any of it, though - she’s just got to carry on and do the best she can. 

She distracts her conscience with a quick Instagram check. There’s nothing particularly interesting, a couple of stories posted by the girls from last night, and Lindsey had posted a cute snap of her and Hayley posing inside the bar. It’s impossible for Emily to judge exactly when it was posted, much less taken, but at this point she thinks it’s safe to say that the girls had left before her and Kelley had. She’s grateful for that, grateful that they hadn’t seen her absolutely lose all willpower before panicking and running - she’s not exactly proud of that, but she doesn’t know what a better option would have been, and she hasn’t had time to sit down and think about it. 

“Em,” Kelley starts, and it makes Emily’s head jerk up from her phone. She still refuses to look at Kelley though, staring out the front window again and thinking that she doesn’t want Kelley to call her that ever again. When she stays quiet, Kelley tries again. “Em, can we please talk about this?”

“No,” Emily says again. “I just want to get to the bus.”

“I don’t want to leave it like this,” Kelley says, and Emily notes that the time reads 6:57. 

“It’s fine, Kelley,” she says. “I’ll get over it.”

“I don’t want you to get over it!” Kelley exclaims, and Emily can’t help but quickly look at her. She looks upset and while part of Emily feels for that and doesn’t want Kelley to be this distressed (especially because of her), she also can’t bring herself to care. More important to her than Kelley’s feelings right now are her own, and Emily can’t help but protect herself first. 

“Listen,” Emily says as stoically as she can manage, “it is what it is.”

“Okay, but - “

“Kelley,” Emily says sharply as they approach the hotel, and they’ve cut it extremely close and gotten very lucky with green lights and the lack of cars on the road at this early hour. “I don’t have time for this, okay?”

“But we’re almost here!” Kelley cries out, and she’s loud, almost too loud for the small interior of the car. “And we could have been talking about this the entire ride over, but instead you’d rather give me the silent treatment!”

Emily doesn’t say anything. 

“Please talk to me,” Kelley says as she pulls into the hotel parking lot. “Please, Em. Come on, I don’t want to leave things like this.”

“It’ll be fine,” Emily says. 

“I’m not stupid,” Kelley says, and it’s easy to spot the bus under the front overhang. Kelley pulls into a spot right in front of reception and throws the car into park, but before Emily can make a move to get out, Kelley is abruptly turning sideways and it’s impossible not to look at her. “I know you, okay? I know you and I care about you enough to know when something is wrong and I’m sorry, I’m so sorry that I did that, and I’ll fix it if you let me.”

“There’s nothing to fix,” Emily says with a shrug. “I mean, you said you didn’t mean to, I get it. We were basically asleep.”

“Em,” Kelley says, and her voice is wrecked and desperate, and Emily is scared because the last thing she wants is this. She wants to run far, far away and never look back, but something keeps her glued to the leather seat as the clock finally changes to 7:00. “Please.”

Emily takes a deep breath and then speaks, and when she does, she surprises herself with how icy it is. 

“I don’t have time for you to do this kind of shit to me anymore,” she says carefully, walking a tightrope between telling the truth without giving too much away. She wants to be honest but would rather die than admit to Kelley that her feelings had gotten the best of her, that she’d gotten swept up in it all, that she’d let herself forget the reality of the situation and it had immediately come back to bite her in the ass. “I’m not like, some kind of placeholder for when shit gets rough with your girlfriend. I’m your friend and will be as good at that as I can, but I have to draw the line somewhere.”

She sits back and feels almost satisfied, proud of herself for being as eloquent as she can in this situation, and for succinctly saying how she feels without going overboard. 

But then Kelley’s eyes are swimming and shimmering and maybe she went too far, she thinks, but it’s 7:00 and she needs to go. 

“This isn’t a game to me,” Kelley says, and she’s a second away from crying, and Emily doesn’t want to be here to see it. “You’re not a placeholder, okay? You’re really important to me, and - “

She cuts herself off, and Emily takes her phone off the charger and tucks it into her palm. 

“I have to go,” she says. 

“No!” Kelley says frantically, and her arms reach out but Emily isn’t having that; she leans towards the door and maybe Kelley could touch her if she really tried, but she doesn’t, instead letting her arms fall into her lap with a trepidatious expression on her face. “Emily, please listen to me for a second. I know I said I didn’t mean it, but I think I did.”

Emily is shaking her head but Kelley is still talking and it’s like torture, listening to her voice skitter all over the place while a single tear makes it’s way down her right cheek and the clocks ticks forward another minute. 

“I - I do genuinely like you,” Kelley says in a poor imitation of earnestness. “I’m sorry, I didn’t say that before because I didn’t know what you would think but I really don’t want you to leave - “

She’s cut off again, this time by Emily’s phone vibrating with an incoming call. It’s from Lindsey, and Emily is vaguely aware of Kelley taking note of that fact before she answers. 

“I see Kelley’s car,” Lindsey says, and Emily can’t even begin to dissect all the emotions stored away in her tone. “We’re waiting for you, you know. Are you getting on?”

“Yeah,” Emily says, throat feeling tight like before, as she looks out the window past Kelley to see the bus. It’s indeed up and running, doors closed even, and she knows they’ve run out of time. It’s a chilling feeling, like ice dropped down the back of a shirt, but it’s the truth and she hangs up on Lindsey without saying another word. 

“Please, Emily,” Kelley says, and Emily feels fucking god awful because the tears are running freely now and Kelley’s hands are shaking. “I mean it, I swear. Please don’t leave like this. I’ll fix this, I’ll do whatever I have to do, I - I love you, Em, you know I do.”

It feels like the final nail in the coffin, and Emily numbly reaches for the door handle. 

“Are you done?” she asks. 

Kelley doesn’t speak, instead just crying silently. 

Emily gets out of the car, and the hundred feet she walks to the bus doors feel like the longest journey of her life. 

*

The last thing she wants to think about is Lindsey saying something about the situation to any of their teammates, but the bus is eerily quieter than it usually would be, even at this early hour, when Emily walks on board. Maybe it’s conceited and wrong of her to assume that everyone will be whispering about her, and maybe she’s just paranoid, but she tries to lean into the gratitude she feels when she finds Lindsey near the back. There’s an aisle seat saved for her, her backpack marking the spot, and even though Lindsey has her Airpods in, she still looks up when Emily comes close and hovers, and then touches her phone to presumably pause whatever she’s listening to. 

“Oh,” Lindsey says, several different emotions crossing over her face. Emily knows her well enough to recognize a few, even as they morph into each other faster than she can track, but the pitying expression that she lands on is perhaps the most upsetting one. “You okay?”

Emily doesn’t think she can speak. She clears her throat, the image of tears running down Kelley’s face still in the process of imprinting all over her brain, and shifts her weight to her left foot as she runs through any kind of reply that won’t give away everything she’s been through in the last twelve hours - hell, maybe more like ten hours. 

“Sonny,” one of the assistant coaches calls out from the front of the bus, “can you sit so we can get going?”

It’s not rude at all, just very matter of fact, and it makes red-hot shame prickle up the back of her neck.

“Sorry,” she says automatically, not sure if it’s loud enough to be heard, but she quickly shifts her bag to the floor and drops into the seat. She’s not really sure of what to do or where to begin, staring blankly ahead with her phone still in her hand as the bus lurches forward. A minute passes, maybe - it’s hard to tell, Emily thinks, because now she’s got no reason to keep track of time - before Lindsey’s hand knocks into her arm. There’s a single black ponytail in her hand and Emily takes it but doesn’t do anything with it. 

“Do you want me to do it?” Lindsey offers. 

Emily shakes her head slowly, and does her best to gather herself enough to reach up and twist her hair into a knotted mess. She hasn’t brushed her hair and she can tell it’s going to hurt to detangle the fine strands later, it all feeling dirty and gritty between her fingers, but that’s something to worry about when she gets back home. 

“Sonny,” Lindsey says, and this time she offers her a charging bank. Emily plugs it into her phone, and she’s so grateful for her best friend right now. “Your charger is in your backpack and I put some clean clothes in the bottom in case you wanted something that’s yours.”

Emily clears her throat again before finally speaking to her. 

“No, this is okay,” she says. 

“I brought you a sweatshirt for the plane,” Lindsey keeps on. “Your bag is all packed though, so I hope you don’t need anything out of it.”

“Thank you,” Emily says. 

They both go quiet and Emily thinks that maybe Lindsey has started to play some music from her phone, but then her phone vibrates in her hand, loud when pressed up against Lindsey’s charging bank, and she feels Lindsey’s eyes slide over to the phone screen. It’s a message from Kelley, and Emily just locks the screen so she doesn’t have to read it. She doesn’t want to read it, she wants to go back to Portland and take a twelve hour nap, and when another message comes through ten minutes later, she just puts her phone on airplane mode and pushes it down into the depths of her backpack. 

Lindsey reaches over to put a hand on Emily’s thigh, and squeezes gently. It stays there until they get to the airport, and right as everyone in front of them starts getting up to file off the bus, right as the pressure of Lindsey’s hand lessens and she’s about to lift it, Emily covers it with her own. It’s awkward, the way she squeezes her fingers around Lindsey’s hand, but she knows that Lindsey will take it the way it’s intended - as a thank you that she can’t quite find the words to say. 

Going through the airport is rough. Lindsey and Emily and AD have to check the bags that they’re still carrying from their time with the national team, and for a moment Emily is jealous of Tobin who is flying home later with just Christen. Mark hangs back to keep an eye on them, in case there’s any trouble, and she’s pretty sure she’s imagining the critical looks he seems to be giving her, but he’s not saying anything and she’s just as sure that he’d say his piece if he felt like he had to. 

Security takes forever and Emily nearly forgets to take off her shoes until Lindsey reminds her, and then she has to walk through with her bare feet on the dirty airport floor. 

“Do you want a coffee?” Lindsey asks her, nodding at a Starbucks, and it’s far from Emily’s first choice, but she nods and leds Lindsey steer her towards the line while calling to Mark that they’ll be at the gate on time. Tyler and Kelli are further up in the line and Emily very determinedly stares at her feet, trying to push from her mind everything that’s happened. 

It’s harder than she thought it would be, harder than it’s ever been before, and her sinuses feel tight and her head hurts but she’s not going to cry, especially not in the middle of an airport Starbucks. She’s not a big crier, never has been, and she’s definitely not about to start. At least the headache is something she can deal with, she thinks, and nudges Lindsey’s elbow as they move up a couple spaces. 

“Do you have any Advil?” she mutters, adjusting her backpack which is slung over her left shoulder and weighing too heavily with everything Lindsey thought she might need while traveling. 

“Tylenol,” Lindsey answers. “Why?”

“Head hurts,” Emily answers, and Lindsey wordlessly reaches down into the cooler next to them to grab two water bottles, handing one off. Emily takes it and unscrews the top, and by the time she’s taken the first sip, Lindsey is dumping two caplets into her hands. 

They can’t kick in fast enough, Emily thinks. 

Once they’re both holding their waters and hot coffees, Lindsey falls onto a random bench next to a convenience store, and Emily follows. It’s hard to relax and lean back against the wall the way Lindsey is, and she sits up unnaturally straight as she tries to judge how hot her coffee is. 

“Hey,” Lindsey says, setting her water bottle down beside her and reaching her free hand forward to stroke down Emily’s right shoulder blade. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Emily shakes her head violently. 

“Okay,” Lindsey says simply. “That’s fine. Do you want to watch something on my iPad?”

Emily knows she’s about to be subjected to Grey’s Anatomy for the millionth time, but she still accepts the Airpod she’s handed and tries to get lost in the episode that’s already halfway through. They don’t talk as they finish their coffee, and Lindsey must be keeping an eye on the time because she exits out of the show towards the end of the next episode and begins putting the device away. 

“Come on,” she says, zipping her backpack and then putting it on, standing up with her water bottle and extending a hand. “Can’t have you be late for this too.”

The comment stings even though Emily knows it isn’t meant to, and after a trip to the restroom, they meet up with their teammates to board the plane. At some point, Emily catches a glimpse of Lindsey’s boarding pass. Their seats aren’t next to each other and she frowns, trying not to let this be the straw that breaks the camel’s back, but she still has to bite her lip hard and blink fiercely in order to keep it together. 

“I wonder who I’m sitting with,” she says without thinking about it - sometimes they go in alphabetical order by last names, sometimes by first names, and sometimes it’s random. 

“I switched with Menges,” Lindsey says without hesitation. 

Lindsey truly is the best, and Emily doesn’t know how she’ll ever repay her for all this. 

“Thank you,” is all she gets out, though. 

Lindsey just shrugs. 

“I was going to yell at you,” she says, “but then I saw your face and I don’t know, kind of realized that there’s no point in making you feel any worse than you already do.”

“Who says I feel bad?” Emily says, trying to joke, but it fails miserably. Lindsey just looks at her, thumbs tucked under her backpack straps, and doesn’t look away until they have to move up and extend their boarding passes to the lady behind the counter. 

Planes are always chilly and Emily is grateful for the Thorns sweatshirt Lindsey brought along for her. No sooner do they take off then Lindsey is pulling out her iPad again, and Emily joins her in connecting to the plane’s wifi and watching more tv. It’s mindless but distracts her enough to keep her from running over and over everything that happened, from repeating to herself everything that had been said, and she thinks Lindsey might need to be knighted when they get home. 

It’s not until halfway through the flight that she realizes - 

She can’t sleep. 

She thinks that maybe she’s not trying - that maybe she’s been too busy paying attention to the show and hasn’t given it her full effort. But then she tries to close her eyes - she knows Lindsey won’t care too much, she’s used to Emily sleeping everywhere and anywhere - and nothing happens. The show is still playing in her ear and normally would serve as the perfect nonsensical soundtrack to ease her into a dreamless sleep, but at the moment it’s doing nothing but preventing her from relaxing. 

_ Come on _ , she tells herself, taking stock of the muscles in her body and doing her best to release any tension she’s holding on to.  _ You can do it. _

Except she can’t. She closes her eyes, takes out the single Airpod, puts it back in, leans against Lindsey’s shoulder, but nothing works. It’s clear that by the time it’s announced overhead that they’re preparing for their descent that it’s not going to happen, and Lindsey is noticeably mildly annoyed with her moving about, and Emily gives her back the Airpod before she has to ask for it. The last half hour is spent with her eyes closed and her head resting against Lindsey, and she doesn’t want to think about anything, but that’s much easier said than done. 

There’s guilt. A lot of it, and she doesn’t want to admit that to herself. Guilt over letting things spiral out of control, over being fully aware of the existence of Kelley’s girlfriend, over betraying herself in favor of temporary emotional satisfaction. And then there’s anger towards Kelley whom Emily refuses to believe is stupid enough to not know what she was doing the entire time. There’s a certain degree of humiliation there as well, and she can’t delve into that without giving into the burning sensation in her throat, which is just about the last thing she wants to do at the moment. 

Emily focuses on that, and that’s how she makes it home. She focuses on curbing the burning in her body, trying to counter it with ice, and she’s so busy trying to do that that she merely goes through the motions as she gets off the plane, picks up her suitcase, gets on the bus back to the stadium, and let’s Lindsey drive them home. From there, it’s all she can do to fall straight into her bed, not even bothering to close the door behind her, and lay there. It’s a bit past noon and all she’s had is coffee, and when Lindsey stops in the doorway to ask if she wants anything for lunch, she doesn’t answer. 

“I’ll go get us something,” she offers. “Or we can Postmates something.”

Emily just lays on her stomach, hugging her pillow and not really seeing anything. 

“We’re doing dinner with Caitlin and Ellie tonight, so don’t think you’re getting out of it,” Lindsey says, and it’s the firmest she’s sounded since Emily got on the bus. 

“I don’t know if I’ll be up for it,” Emily forces herself to say, and she feels like it takes all of her energy. 

“Too bad,” Lindsey says. “Even if they just come over here, I’m not letting you hole up in here. That’s not who you are, and you know that.”

Emily hates that she knows that Lindsey is right. As many things as she’s feeling right now, as upset and overwhelmed and frustrated as she is, as  _ hurt  _ and  _ embarrassed  _ and  _ sad  _ as she is after everything, she’s not the kind of person to hide away in bed forever. She might be a runner, but she doesn’t hide. 

She rolls over onto her back and stuffs her pillow under her head, making eye contact with Lindsey who looks surprisingly neutral as she hangs onto the doorjamb. 

“What time?” Emily asks. 

“I can tell them to come at seven,” Lindsey offers, and Emily nods reluctantly. “I’m going to make some eggs, and then we’re definitely going to have to get groceries at some point.”

“Okay,” Emily says, and then Lindsey lets her be, closing the door halfway and it’s almost easy to listen to her bang around the kitchen. It’s almost reminiscent of the way things were just a couple of weeks ago, and Emily thinks that maybe she can do this. 

Maybe she can get past this. 

*

Dinner isn’t bad, Emily will concede. Caitlin and Ellie don’t say anything they shouldn’t, Kelley doesn’t come up in conversation, and Emily hides in her favorite corner of the couch until they leave. Apparently Kelli and Midge and some of the other girls are having a little party, and Lindsey had looked at Emily significantly before excusing them for the night. 

“We’re pretty beat, from all the travel,” Lindsey had said, and Emily thinks that she’s going to have to buy Lindsey a new laptop or something when all this is over and done with. Something to show her appreciation. 

They had understood and now Emily isn’t sure of what to do with herself. Her phone is still on airplane mode and she’s left it shoved down deep in her backpack, and she’s afraid to retrieve it. There’s really nobody she needs to talk to, nobody who can’t reach her through Lindsey, and the last thing she wants is to be confronted by anything Kelley has to say. While of course she’s trying to avoid being hurt any more than she already has, she’s also aware of the fact that there’s a bit of hope inside of her, and she doesn’t think she can bear having that shot down. 

Emily doesn’t think she can deal with the knowledge that despite everything that happened, she’s still hoping that Kelley will have left her dozens of texts, just as many missed phone calls, and even a handful of voicemails. Deep down she’s hoping that Kelley will have reached out and said everything she wants to hear - 

_ I broke up with her.  _

_ You’re the one I really want.  _

_ I’ve liked you for years now.  _

There’s more that Emily can dream of, that she can wish Kelley would say to her, but the harsh reality of it all is that those things aren’t very likely at all. She knows with as much certainty as she possesses that she’s likely to only have a couple of texts from Kelley, maybe a missed call if she’s lucky, and that those texts definitely won’t say anything close to what will make her feel better about this situation. What keeps her holding herself together now is the knowledge that she’s the only one with the power to make herself feel better about this, and it’s not Kelley’s responsibility to do that. 

It’s not until Lindsey gets up from the couch and stretches her arms above her head that Emily realizes she’s still wearing the same clothes she’s been in all day, Kelley’s clothes, the ones she wishes smelled like her but instead just smell like they’ve been stored in a dresser for far too long. 

“Do you want to shower first, or can I?” Lindsey asks, unusually mindful of the fact that the hot water in their apartment doesn’t seem to distribute very well.

“You can,” Emily says. “I don’t really want one.”

She can feel a pimple growing on her chin, a result of too much recycled airplane air and stress and not washing her face, and she knows her hair is gross beyond belief, but she doesn’t want to do anything about it. All she wants to do is sleep, and maybe change into something that hurts a little less, but that can wait. Getting up from her safe corner isn’t exactly high on her list of priorities - she’s too busy stitching herself back together again. 

“You still should,” Lindsey says. “We’re all gross from the plane, you don’t want that on your sheets.”

Emily just nods, but the only move she makes once Lindsey heads for her bathroom is to grab the tv remote. She just wants something mindless and lands on Law and Order reruns, something her mom always put on when she was allowed to stay home sick from school, and there’s a sort of nostalgic comfort there that keeps her glued to the cushions. She’s not quite sure how much time passes before Lindsey comes back out and sits down too close to her. 

“You’re going to drip all over the couch,” Emily mumbles, slouching further down into her hole. 

Lindsey ignores her. 

“Are you ever going to talk about this? Or am I going to have to surgically cut it out of you?” she asks, and she’s so annoying that Emily rolls her eyes. 

“I’m fine,” Emily says, and maybe it’s a little too forced, judging by the way Lindsey’s eyes narrow. 

“I’m trying to be good here,” Lindsey says, and the guilt that’s been lumped in with all of Emily’s other emotions suddenly swims to the top of the heap. 

“I know,” she says, her throat feeling tight like it did early that morning, the words coming out thick. 

“You can’t keep it all in forever,” Lindsey says, and this time it’s soft and hard all at the same times, and Emily doesn’t know how she does it, but she finds herself sighing and picking her head up a bit to look at Lindsey who is, indeed, dripping water from her hair all over the fabric of the couch. 

“And why not?” she asks, because really, why can’t she?

“Because shit like this happens,” Lindsey tells her, poking the meaty part of Emily’s shoulder. “And as much as I love picking up the pieces, there are a lot of other and better things we could be doing with our time. Like hanging out with our friends.”

“You could have gone,” Emily points out. “I wasn’t stopping you.”

“I’m not leaving you,” Lindsey says stubbornly, obviously, as though it’s a fact that she absolutely must stick with Emily through this. 

“I’ll be fine, really,” Emily says. “I just need a minute to recover. It’s been a long couple of weeks, you know?”

“I know,” Lindsey says, nodding in understanding. “But tomorrow we’re running some errands and getting coffee at that one place Hayley likes and I think we should finally get dinner at the vegan place that Kling won’t stop talking about.”

“Maybe she’ll finally shut up about us needing to try it,” Emily says, considering it. 

“Exactly,” Lindsey says, the corners of her mouth perking up into an easy smile. “Look, I’m here. I believe you when you say you’ll be fine. But I’m not letting you lay in bed forever, and you really do have to talk about this sooner rather than later. It’s not healthy to not talk about it with anyone. You don’t even have to talk to me if you don’t want to - just talk to anyone, I don’t care.”

Emily mulls over it for a moment. 

“She told me she didn’t mean it,” Emily says slowly, the words burning her tongue like acid. “And then I was leaving and she told me she meant it and she loves me.”

“Fuck,” Lindsey says immediately, fists clenching. “God fucking -  _ fuck _ , Sonny. What the fuck.”

Emily shrinks back down, avoiding Lindsey’s angry eyes. 

“I’m fine,” she says, because she’s hurt enough and doesn’t need Lindsey to carry any of that. “Don’t be mad.”

“I’m not mad,” Lindsey says, but she doesn’t usually curse out loud like that, doesn’t usually tense up like that. 

“You don’t need to worry about me,” Emily says, because it feels like the right thing to say. “I’m serious, Linds.”

“No, I can do this,” Lindsey says. “You can talk to me.”

But Emily doesn’t feel like saying anything else, and Lindsey figures that out after a long silence passes between them. When she finally gets up it’s with a loud sigh, and Emily feels guilty. 

“I’m sorry,” Lindsey starts, but Emily shakes her head. 

“Don’t,” she says, and it’s low and cracked and she hates the sound of her own voice. “You’ve got nothing to apologize for.”

Lindsey pauses, and then - 

“I’m going to sleep.”

She presses a quick kiss to the top of Emily’s head before retreating to her room, and it’s horribly quiet in the apartment, and Emily think that surely this is perfect for falling asleep. It feels easy to relax into this part of the couch, the one that Lindsey warns her will conform to the shape of her body if she’s not careful, and curl onto her left side where she can still see the tv. The throw blanket is too far away but it doesn’t matter, because her sweats are warm and it’s better to sleep when slightly cool, and there’s nothing stopping her from crashing. 

Except she doesn’t. 

It doesn’t make any sense, Emily thinks, when an episode passes and she finally gets up to turn off the last of the lights and grab the blanket in the corner of the room. There’s something keeping her awake, something keeping her glued to the show with an unusual amount of interest. 

An hour after that, she gets herself a water bottle and a handful of almonds, thinking that maybe she just needs to feel full and content before giving into sleep. She’s so tired and just wants to nod off into nothingness, but the food only seems to wake her up. 

Another episode passes. It’s getting late, and Emily just about gives up on sleeping, figuring that it’s not in the stars for her to sleep right now. She wiggles around trying to get comfortable, and thinks she sees the light turn off in Lindsey’s room, the thin strip of yellow disappearing from under her door. 

She gets up to use the bathroom, once she can’t hold it in anymore. The water bottle is nearly empty and she brushes her teeth while she’s up, and almost considers getting in her bed, but Lindsey was right about not wanting plane germs on her sheets and the spare set are still dirty in the bottom of her laundry hamper. Instead she just grabs her pillow and does her best to relax again, but the time on the oven reads 12:17 and she thinks she recognizes the guest star in this episode. 

Three more episodes pass before she eventually drifts off in a near delirious daze, and it’s the most trouble she’s had falling asleep since she was a kid. 

*

When Lindsey shakes her awake, she feels like she’s slept for five minutes. 

“What time is it?” Emily asks groggily, and she rubs at her eyes, blinking against the surprisingly bright sun coming through the windows. 

“Just after ten,” Lindsey tells her, and Emily tries to burrow further into her pillow. “I’m hungry, and you were supposed to shower.”

“I don’t want to,” Emily tells her, but Lindsey isn’t having it. It’s not often that she uses her strength against Emily, but this must be a special time - Lindsey practically drags her to the shower by the scruff of the neck, and stands there with her hands on her hips.

“Don’t make me do any more than this,” she says warningly. “I’m serious.”

So Emily doesn’t. She closes the door on Lindsey and starts the shower, and it turns out to be the best decision she’s made in a while. It feels good to run her fingers through the knots in her hair and let her skin grow raw under the hot water, and by the time she gets out, she feels like she can actually do this - she can actually move on. Or, at the very least, she feels like she can actually try. 

It feels like hell for the next few days, her heart constantly feeling like it’s bursting into flames into the worst way, but she keeps busy anyway because Lindsey’s right and she’s not the type of person to hide away. There’s something there that keeps her from being at her best (she can’t help but think that she left a part of herself back on Kelley’s couch, but that’s overly dramatic and she knows it’s not really true) and she maybe doesn’t play into everything the way she normally would, but she tries, and that must count for something. 

Eventually, she takes her phone out again and looks at it, but only after a moment of weakness in which she covers about ninety-percent of her vision and sorts through all the notifications she’s been hiding from. Lindsey had offered to block Kelley’s number for her, delete all evidence of her from her phone, all sorts of ideas that would have been funny if Emily wasn’t so hurt and surviving on a few hours of sleep every night, but she’d stubbornly refused. She needed to do this herself, she claimed, but the truth was that she didn’t want to pretend as though Kelley didn’t exist - she just didn’t want to deal with the aftermath. 

She does her best not to read any of the last text Kelley had sent her but it’s inevitable. She’d seen a solid block of gray text in the thread when getting rid of the alert, and only the first line is visible in her messages page, and she hates that it was sent sometime on the seventh, which means that Kelley hasn’t reached out since. Despite knowing better than to hope for more, it still stings. 

**Kelley O’Hara: ** I don’t really know what else to say but…

That’s all she reads and the anger keeps her from reading the rest, but it doesn’t matter. The fact that Kelley hasn’t reached out since the day they’d parted means that however much Emily means to her, it isn’t enough. 

Part of trying to get past it all means staying off of social media as much as possible. It’s only a few days at first and that’s not abnormal for her, but she does duck out of a photo that some of the girls go to take together when they meet up for an early dinner after practice one afternoon. The thought of Kelley seeing her, even just via an Instagram story belonging to someone she doesn’t follow, haunts her unnecessarily. 

But then there’s a game on Wednesday, and it’s against North Carolina, and there’s no time or mental space for fucking around. Emily’s got to get her head in the game and that she does, and it’s a tough fight, one that she thinks she could have been better at, but Lindsey helps them narrowly pull off a 1-0 win, and Emily lets herself get caught up momentarily in how happy she is for her. The next morning, Lindsey shoves her phone in her face, scrolling through a gallery of game photos. 

“Got some good ones,” Lindsey explains, and Emily’s too tired to smack her hand away the way she wants to. “Of you, too.”

“I’ll post one later,” Emily says, digging around in the carton of blueberries they’d picked up when grocery shopping - they’d looked a lot better than they actually taste. 

“I’m sending you some,” Lindsey says, repositioning her phone in front of her own nose. “That way you don’t have to look.”

She appreciates the gesture but end up letting Lindsey borrow her phone to post one of the shots, trusting her not to post anything of herself with some smartass caption. Lindsey passes it for her approval, and Emily nods at the simple string of emojis there: a rose, a soccer ball, and a red heart. 

“Short and sweet,” Lindsey announces as she passes the phone back for good, and Emily locks it before tossing it to the side and forgetting about it. 

Or at least, she forgets about it until she doesn’t, when her phone lights up with a text from her mom and she has to think about whether or not she wants to call her. It’s automatic, the way she unlocks her phone and sees her Instagram feed, the way she scrolls down as if it was a week ago and she isn’t at all concerned about what she could see there. It’s a mistake and she wishes she’d just exited the app to make the phone call, because out of the couple of comments that show up under the photo she’d posted earlier, there’s one that she really doesn’t want to see. 

One that she  _ really _ could have done without. 

**kelleyohara ** Good game xoxo

For a solid thirty seconds, Emily doesn’t think she moves or breathes. And then - 

“Lindsey,” she calls out, scrambling up from her bed where she’d gone to procrastinate getting dressed to go out for lunch. “Lindsey, come here!”

Her heart is pounding and she doesn’t want this, doesn’t want Kelley thinking that it’s okay to comment on her shit, doesn’t want them pretending like nothing happened - like Kelley hadn’t almost kissed her, like she hadn’t egged Emily on, like she hadn’t encouraged the back and forth flirting between them. Emily wants it all gone, wants to erase every moment that’s ever contributed to this one right now, and she skids along the hallway to see Lindsey’s door opening. She’s only half dressed and looks alarmed, but Emily doesn’t care. Shoving the phone in her face, Emily does her best to take a deep breath but it’s like she can’t, and she doesn’t want this at all. 

“What happened?” Lindsey says, grabbing for Emily’s hand and steadying it. “What are you showing me?”

“She left a comment,” Emily gets out, and she hates this. 

“Fuck!” Lindsey curses lowly. “Are you okay?” 

And the truth is no, that Emily isn’t okay and she doesn’t know how to be, doesn’t know how to deal with this, but the world feels very small and she finds herself trying to sort through all the words and emotions swirling through her mind, but it’s easier said than done. She’s so used to having things make sense, so used to compartmentalizing and sorting through all her thoughts so neatly and calmly, that she doesn’t know how to manage this at all. 

“The fucking xo,” Emily says, letting Lindsey ease the phone out of her hand. She follows Lindsey back into her room, sitting down on the edge of the bed and watching her best friend continue to apply mascara, her phone set face down on the dresser. “How can she do that!”

“Son,” Lindsey says, calmer now, which seems in direct contradiction to the rising anger in Emily’s chest. “Does she know that she did something wrong?”

“What?” Emily asks, baffled. “Does she - of course she knows!”

Lindsey doesn’t automatically reply, too concerned with her right eye, and Emily plows forward, letting her rage carry her on. 

“She can’t do that,” she decides, pressing her palms into Lindsey’s too-soft mattress. “She can’t comment shit like that after kissing me like she did and - “

Lindsey drops her mascara wand, leaving streaks of black on the top of her dresser as she whirls around with an open mouth. 

“She  _ kissed you?”  _ Lindsey asks incredulously. “And you didn’t say anything?”

Emily crosses her arms and she doesn’t know what to do, caught between amusement at Lindsey’s reaction, irritation at Lindsey for not seeing the real issue here, and fury at Kelley for doing what she’s done. 

“She tried to,” Emily says, the amusement winning out for a second. “I - I wouldn’t let her.”

Lindsey does a poor imitation of a low whistle and Emily kicks out at her shin. 

“Do you want to know what happened or not?” she asks, and Lindsey obediently sits down on the bed next to her. 

“Of course I want to hear what happened,” Lindsey says, reaching over to uncross Emily’s arms. She hates how easily Lindsey does it, how easily she forces Emily’s hand between hers, but it makes her let out a short laugh and it quells some of the anger she’s feeling. 

“That’s really it,” she says, because she doesn’t know if she can really get into it, if she can explain to Lindsey everything that happened and everything she’s been feeling. Because the truth of it is that it goes back much further than last Saturday morning, then last Friday night, much further than the last couple of weeks. It’s impossible to pinpoint a moment at which Emily could have stopped things, to identify a specific period of time in which she should have done something differently, because everything with Kelley - yes, everything, from the small crush to the big crush and then back to small again, and including Kelley’ girlfriend - has felt like such an inevitability to Emily. 

“Well, that was disappointing,” Lindsey says, letting go of Emily’s hands. 

“You have mascara on your eyelids,” Emily tells her, and Lindsey jumps up to run into her bathroom. 

“I’m fixing it but I’m still listening!” Lindsey calls out, the exhaust fan making her harder to hear. Emily sighs because she knows from experience that Lindsey won’t be able to make out a single word she says, so she heaves herself off the bed and winds up leaning against Lindsey’s sink with her, watching her use a cotton swab to take off the excess makeup. 

“I think it was California,” Emily says suddenly. 

She’s not sure why it hits her the way it does, but it’s like her mind is replaying all the moments she’s spent with Kelley since the world cup, and it’s like that one night is magnified one thousand times under her mental microscope. She tries to zero in on the memories as best as she can, but at the time she’d been so tired and confused by the way Kelley had acted, chalking it up to jet lag and exhaustion. Now, though, flipping through every notable interaction her brain has stored away, something about that night seems to stick out. 

“What?” Lindsey asks, a bit delayed as she rubs the cotton swab a little closer to her lashes. “What about California? Which time?”

“The victory tour game,” Emily says, wondering it she’s getting this right. “The last night there - I was running late that last morning.”

Lindsey pulls back from the mirror to frown at Emily. 

“You told me you snoozed your alarm too many times,” she says. 

“I lied,” Emily says, trying to frame it all in an entirely different light. “Mal wouldn’t shut up on the phone, and I was texting Kelley.”

“Okay,” Lindsey says, drawing the word out suspiciously and twirling the dirty cotton swab between her fingers. 

“I thought she’d be asleep,” Emily confesses. “I just meant to shoot her one last birthday text, but then suddenly she was offering up Alex’s bed.”

She can see Lindsey putting the pieces together, eyebrows coming together as she thinks through it, before setting the cotton swab down on the counter. 

“Please don’t tell me - “ Lindsey starts, but Emily shakes her head. 

“I just slept there that night,” Emily says, looking right at Lindsey so she knows she’s not lying. “I swore I felt something crawling on me so I got in her bed, but we were on opposite sides all night, I swear. But then, in the morning, I don’t know. It was weird when I got up.”

She swallows and Lindsey watches her expectantly. 

“She didn’t seem to want me to go,” Emily says, and it’s almost like watching someone else in a movie or something, listening to herself explain this as best as she can. “It was weird. I didn’t even mean to wake her up - I thought I’d be out before her alarm went off. Literally, I only went there for a good night’s sleep.”

“But?”

“She kind of came after me,” Emily says. “Asking for a hug, I don’t know. It shouldn’t have been weird.”

“But it was?” 

Emily shrugs. Kelley’s hugged her a million times, most of them so quick and nondescript that they blur together in her memory, and this one should have been special, she feels, but she can’t quite remember. 

“I just felt like I had to lie,” she says, and something changes in Lindsey’s expression, but she doesn’t dwell on that. “Like I couldn’t tell you where I was or why I was late - because she didn’t want me to go.”

She goes quiet and Lindsey doesn’t say anything, the two of them standing there, and Emily feels the momentary bravado she’d possessed dissipating quickly. 

“Sonny,” Lindsey says. “That wasn’t right of her.”

Emily looks away, looks out the bathroom door at the clothes that Lindsey’s got flung around her room. There’s a lump in her throat and she knows that Lindsey isn’t wrong, that she’s probably right, and she’s unintentionally let Kelley toy with her for much longer than she’s been actively aware of. 

“I didn’t think anything of it at the time,” Emily struggles to say, and her sinuses feel tight, and everything burns, especially her lungs when she tries to breathe in deep. “I’m so dumb.”

“No, you’re not,” Lindsey says, and then she’s sweeping in with a hug, gathering Emily to her, forcing Emily’s head low so she can hold her close. Lindsey’s always warm and solid when she hugs, safe and comforting and smelling like the perfume she refuses to stray from no matter how many times Rose tells her it stinks, and Emily thinks that she’s going to owe her something major after all this shit subsides. Maybe she can get  _ The Great Horan _ tattooed on her ass, she thinks, and it’s not until Lindsey pulls away to look at her that she realizes something is wrong. 

“Fuck her, okay?” Lindsey says with her hands clamped down on Emily’s shoulders, and Emily can tell, can feel what’s wrong. 

She’s crying. 

She didn’t think she would, after the way everything went down, after she’d held it together around Kelley, held it together in the airport, after she’d made it through the last few days unscathed. She didn’t think that a short comment would do this to her, and that realization makes it all worse. 

“I don’t want to,” Emily says, and it’s thick and snotty and she doesn’t know how to stop this, how to stem the flow and dig herself out of this moment. 

“Don’t want to what, say ‘fuck her’ and stop letting her treat you like this?” Lindsey asks, and Emily knows it comes from a good place, but that doesn’t mean that she wants to hear it. She shakes her head, and Lindsey uses her hand to gently force Emily’s head forward again, forcing her close so they can hug again. 

“I don’t want to cry over her,” Emily says, and it’s small and she feels ashamed that she’d made it this far without crying over Kelley, ashamed that this is what’s been her undoing. 

“I’m sorry,” Lindsey says. “I’m sorry, Son.”

Emily isn’t sure how many times she says it, but it stops by the time her tears dry up. It doesn’t take long for that to happen - she’s not a big crier, not at all, never has been - but it feels excruciating to have it happen at all. It’s even worse to have it happen in front of Lindsey, who has been so good and supportive and hasn’t ever said a word against Kelley even though Emily has a feeling that she’s wanted to. The last thing she wanted to do was give Lindsey a reason to really dislike her for this mess, but now what’s done is done and when she backs away and wipes at her cheeks, she avoids Lindsey’s eyes. 

“Here,” Lindsey says, and of course she’s got a box of Kleenex in the corner of her counter. Emily accepts the tissue and hopes her eyes and face aren’t too red, but a glance at the mirror makes her shoulders slump as she takes in the blotchy mess she’s become. “It’s going to be okay, you know.”

“I know,” Emily mutters, wiping at her face some more. 

“I should really kill her,” Lindsey says, leaning her hips against the counter as she leans forward next to Emily. She says it conversationally - like she hasn’t been plotting it for the last week at least, probably longer, fairly obvious despite the fact that Emily had refused to address it. 

“Just don’t touch her ankles,” Emily says, rubbing at her face to try and even out her skin tone. 

“Don’t do that,” Lindsey tells her, slapping at her hands. “You’ll just make it worse. Come on, stick your head into the freezer and you’ll be good as new.”

“How do you even know that?” Emily wonders. 

Lindsey just raises her eyebrows, and the two of them go for the kitchen. 

“You know, I’ve been through a breakup or few,” she tells Emily. 

Emily wants to say that it hardly counts when it’s the same guy over and over, but she bites her tongue (the same way Lindsey’s been biting hers, for the most part) and opens the freezer door. She hates that she’s listening to this ridiculous advice, but has to admit that she cold feels good on her overheated face. 

“Is that the advice I should have been giving you all those times?” she asks as Lindsey hip-checks her so she can get into the fridge. 

“Yes,” Lindsey says plainly. “Honestly, no wonder you suck at relationship advice. You can’t even cry over a girl like a normal person.”

“Hey!” Emily exclaims, withdrawing her head to glare at Lindsey who’s grinning meanly and holding what’s left of the blueberries. “What was I just doing!”

“Get back in there,” Lindsey tells her, and Emily listens. “And then get dressed, because it is - “ she leans past Emily to peer at the oven “ - nearly two, and I’m starving.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Emily says, and on her way out of the kitchen, Lindsey pats her roughly on the back, and she thinks that no matter what happens with Kelley, at least someone in her life isn’t going anywhere.

*

The Royals play in Houston on Friday night, and Lindsey spends a very long time trying to convince Emily to come to Caitlin and Ellie’s to watch the game. 

“I think Tobin might even show up,” Lindsey says, as if that’s supposed to convince her. It’s still only the middle of the afternoon and there’s time before the game starts, but her mind is made up and she shakes her head adamantly. 

“I might go for a run,” she says, even though she showered less than an hour ago after practice. Her hair is still even drying, and Lindsey frowns at her. 

“Since when do you go for runs?” she asks, and Emily knows she’s on thin ice at this point. Besides barely sleeping and feeling like she’s been hanging on by a thread, she can tell that Lindsey’s patience is running out, and not even having her full name stamped on Emily’s forehead will be able to fix things if she pushes them much further. 

“Fine,” Emily concedes. “I’m not going for a run, but I kind of just want to try and catch up on my sleep a little.”

Lindsey’s expression softens minutely. 

“Do you need some NyQuil?” she asks, and Emily shakes her head. 

“I just want to relax,” she says, and she’s been good all week, going to everything Lindsey has planned and socializing and smiling and laughing as best as she can, and just wants a little break before she runs herself into the wall. It’s not like her to take breaks, not like this in the middle of the season when she knows everyone will want to know where she is and why, but she trusts Lindsey to manage the situation for her. 

“I’m giving you a deadline,” Lindsey warns. “If you’re not over this by the time we go play Seattle, I’m cutting you off.”

Emily just throws a water bottle at her, and Lindsey goes to her room to get ready. By the time she leaves (not until she’s asked another three times if Emily is sure that she doesn’t want to come - which yes, she’s very sure) Emily feels only slightly more relaxed, and she finds that she doesn’t know what to do with an empty apartment. 

She’s not sure that she wants to be alone. 

It’s Friday the thirteenth, she sees when she checks her phone, and she groans at that. She’s not one to be superstitious at all, but she can’t ignore a clear bad omen when she sees one. It just reinforces that she’s making the right decision here, but it’s not exactly easy to busy herself and resist the urge to turn on the game. Between making herself dinner and finally giving into the growing pile of dirty laundry she’s been ignoring, Emily keeps her hands busy. She even folds her laundry fresh out of the dryer and feels proud of herself when she puts it away, but then her brain is asking for a reward and she reaches for her phone without even thinking about it. 

Would it be noticeable if she unfollowed Kelley on every social media platform, she wonders?

She’s still ignoring the texts Kelley had sent her, and she’s stopped watching everyone’s stories because she doesn’t want to accidentally see anything Kelley might post, and maybe it’s juvenile but she figures the best way to kill this is to starve it. At some point, sooner rather than later, she’s going to have to see Kelley again (she knows exactly when she’s going to see Kelley next, because they still have victory tour games to play, but she’d rather pretend that she doesn’t have that date circled in bright warning red on her mental calendar), and she has to be able to do that without acting like a complete freak. 

In other words, she has to be able to act like nothing happened between them. Just the mere thought of their national teammates noticing or saying anything has her anxious, and she’s officially dedicated way more time and effort to this than she ever has anything else, she’s pretty sure. There are very few things in life that have ever made her use the word anxious to describe her state of mind, and she hates it. 

It’s about the time the game would be over when she gets a text from Lindsey. 

**Lindsey Horan: ** Do you mind if I stay here a while? Or do you want me to come back? Or would you want to come here?

**Emily Sonnett: ** nah i’m fine, you stay

**Lindsey Horan: ** Are you sure? I can come home

**Emily Sonnett: ** if you come home i’ll drown myself in your shower

Lindsey sends back several dissatisfied emojis, and Emily actually laughs at her phone. It’s not the easiest night she’s ever spent at home alone, and she suddenly understands the people who take up running as a hobby. Instead of attempting that, she convinces Rose to Facetime with her until the poor kid is nearly falling asleep (time zones suck sometimes, she decides), and just as she’s about to take pity and let her go to sleep, a text flashes at the top of the screen. 

“You okay?” Rose yawns, and Emily freezes. 

“Yeah,” she says, nodding quickly, and maybe she rushes Rose into saying goodnight, but the poor girl is half asleep anyway.

Emily’s hands shake as she goes for the text - she only means to get rid of the notification and back right out of the message thread, but it’s so short and simple that she can’t help but take the words right in. 

**Kelley O’Hara: ** I miss you. I know I probably don’t get to say that. 

The rest of Emily’s night is spent trying to resist the urge to throw her phone at the wall in between tossing and turning in her bed. 

Unlucky Friday the thirteenth, indeed. 

*

There’s too much free time, Emily thinks. Too much free time that weekend, the next week, and they’re practicing as much as they normally would at this point in the season, and Lindsey’s family comes for a quick visit and that helps distract her, but overall, she’s got too much free time. It makes her wonder how she spent all that time beforehand, because she sure as hell knows that Kelley didn’t take up all of it. There’s too much time before their next game, but it’s at home and only against the Dash, and that doesn’t require nearly as much mental energy as she wishes it would. 

She calls her parents and sister, and she Facetimes Mal once but there’s a knowing edge to the way she asks how Emily’s been, and she doesn’t do it again. Rose is easier, always dropping food on her shirt while they talk or falling while she tries to walk, and it makes Emily laugh and forget about everything. She hangs out with her teammates like she’s supposed to and posts on her stories a couple of times, nothing important, and everything almost feels normal. 

Except nothing about the way she feels inside is normal. 

She’s so angry with Kelley still. She’s so angry at the way Kelley had made her feel violated while also seemingly systematically easing the two of them into it, until Emily was in so deep that she couldn’t even see that she’d gotten in so far over her head. There’s anger at the way Kelley’s only made a couple of half-assed attempts to communicate with her, at the way she’s locked Emily into this situation where she’s stuck between a rock and a hard place, at the way she’s made it so that Emily can’t sleep well anymore and spends half her nights watching old tv while wishing she wasn’t doing it alone. 

But she also knows that more important than the anger is the hurt, and she figures that out on Wednesday afternoon, when she’s minding her own business - they’re wrapping up practice, and Tobin exchanges a few words with Mark before heading off the pitch. It’s impossible to miss the exchange, and Emily looks for Lindsey as soon as Tobin’s out of earshot. 

“Where’s she going?” Emily asks. 

Lindsey hesitates, but answers. 

“Royals are playing the Reign,” she says. “She’s driving up to watch and bring Christen back.”

Kelley isn’t mentioned, but just the thought of her playing a few hours away makes Emily’s chest feel tight, and she barely remember how she gets to Lindsey’s car. When they’re both sitting, Lindsey shifts into reverse but doesn’t take her foot off the brake right away, and Emily looks over at her. 

“Everything okay?” she asks, and Lindsey shakes her head. 

“Tobin asked if you’d be willing to drive up with her,” Lindsey says, and it comes out in a rush. “And I didn’t ask any questions, because you know Tobin - she’s a lot like you in that way, you know. Never wants to say more than she feels she has to. Anyway. I don’t know why she asked, but it doesn’t take a college degree to figure out that chain of telephone. Okay?”

Emily just stares ahead, feeling very similarly to the way she felt almost two weeks prior. She can’t decide if her heart is on fire or if it’s frozen solid, but maybe that’s what hurt is like: wanting someone just as much as you’d kill to not want them all. 

Lindsey just sighs before driving them home. 

“You’re not sitting around tonight,” she warns Emily. “Not like last time. You think I couldn’t tell how depressed you were the next morning?”

“I’m never depressed,” Emily scoffs, kicking her feet up on Lindsey’s dash. 

“If you don’t move your feet, I’m going to tell Gabby that we’d rather head to the bars tonight instead of paint our nails and play Truth or Dare at her place,” Lindsey threatens. 

Emily doesn’t move her feet, but shakes her head. 

“We never play truth or dare,” she says. “And you literally just did your nails.”

“They’re chipping,” Lindsey says. “And fine, we’re just hanging out, but I can still tell her.”

Emily takes her feet off the dash one by one. 

It’s hard to have a good time later, but Emily wouldn’t be herself if she didn’t try her best, so she does exactly that. She lets Kelli post a picture of her with Gabby and Hayley, and tries not to think about Kelley seeing it, even though the chances are slim - she’s playing a game, and doesn’t even follow any of the girls. Besides, she’s really got to stop thinking about Kelley in any context that isn’t completely necessary. 

Sometime around ten is when Emily feels ready to head back, and when she finds Lindsey to ask when she thinks she’ll be ready to bounce, she finds her looking at her phone with a stony look on her face. 

“Are you okay, dude?” Emily asks. 

Lindsey puts her phone away quickly. 

“Yeah, fine,” she reassures Emily. “You get any texts?”

It’s a weird question and Emily’s face must reflect that because Lindsey clarifies right away. 

“I think I don’t get good reception here,” she says, and it seems off, but Emily isn’t about to question it.

“No,” Emily says, but she hasn’t been checking her phone - she’s been playing music from Ellie’s playlist, and besides, she’s gotten in the habit of staying off her phone more than before. “Do you want me to?”

“No, that’s okay,” Lindsey says. 

“I was just going to ask when you wanted to head out,” Emily says, jerking a thumb over her shoulder. 

“Um,” Lindsey says. “Whenever is fine.”

She’s acting weird, but Emily chooses to ignore it. After all, that’s what she’d want Lindsey to do for her. 

By the time they finish saying goodbye and Emily ignores the couple of looks she gets for ducking out early, it’s nearly an hour later. And then, by the time she’s home and ready for bed, it’s another hour after that, and she’s wondering if maybe she’ll go to sleep at a decent time for the first time in what feels like forever. It’s remarkable, she thinks as she sits on the couch, how angry she is with Kelley, but also how much it’s been tempered by how much she misses her. 

She misses sending her dumb memes all the time, the way she’d be doing right now if everything was normal between them. She misses actually looking forward to the cute little comments Kelley leaves on her Instagram posts, and the ones that she sends her in response to anything she puts in her stories. Emily misses the security that came with knowing that her feelings for Kelley were a complete secret, but not more than she misses knowing that their friendship at the very least was ironclad as long as she kept it a secret. 

Absorbed in her thoughts, in leaving a comment under Emma’s latest post, she’s a little surprised when Lindsey flops down next to her. 

“You’re too close,” Emily says absently, biting down on her bottom lip she shoving Lindsey with her left hand even though she knows it’s useless. 

“Are we done wallowing?” Lindsey asks, and Emily looks up at her. 

“What?” she asks. “Have I been wallowing?” 

“Not so much lately,” Lindsey says. “I guess what I really mean to ask is - where are you? Like, where’s your headspace?”

Emily locks her phone and thinks for a second. 

“I think I’m okay,” she says slowly, trying to figure it out as she speaks. “I mean, is what I wanted to happen? No. Do I know how things are going to be when I see her again? No. But I don’t know, I feel kind of secure in my own feelings now.”

“What do you mean?” Lindsey asks, swinging her legs up to tuck her toes under Emily’s thigh. She hates it when Lindsey does it, but there’s next to no point in trying to dissuade her. 

“I know how I feel,” Emily says, feeling slightly more confident as she talks about it. “What she did was fucked up, and I know I need to be stronger next time. If she’s going to take advantage of our friendship like that, I should put her in her place. Now that I’ve done that once, I think I can do it again.”

“Good,” Lindsey says, leaning back into the couch. “I just wanted to check in.”

Emily thinks that maybe she could keep talking about it - could tell Lindsey how she feels like Kelley manipulated her with her crying the next morning, tell her about her plans to avoid Kelley until she begs for forgiveness, tell her about how she’s disappointed that Kelley hasn’t reached out very much at all, tell her how she thinks that must mean that she doesn’t mean much to Kelley at all - but she doesn’t. 

Instead, she gets up and makes them some microwave popcorn and puts on some Law and Order. 

“You’re lucky I don’t hate you,” Lindsey says through a mouthful of popcorn as she points at the tv, accepting the blankets Emily passes her. “Otherwise I would not be letting us watch this.”

“We can’t rewatch your same three shows all the time,” Emily tells her, and Lindsey dumps her feet in Emily’s lap, and they both stay that way until Lindsey nods off a couple of hours later. Very uncharacteristic for her, but it’s late and Emily’s not complaining, not when her silent company is oddly comforting. Normally she’d be tempted to wake her up - preferably by spraying her with water, or by scaring her awake - but then before she can seriously entertain those ideas, Emily’s phone starts vibrating continuously and she’s trying to get it out from where it’s gotten wedged between Lindsey’s calf and the couch cushion. It’s a tough job and she nearly thinks she’s woken Lindsey up, looking up at her face to make sure she hasn’t, but by the time that’s all done her phone has stopped ringing. It’s easy to light up the screen to see who the missed call is from, and - 

Fuck, Emily thinks. 

She wonders when Kelley’s mere name will stop doing this to her. 

She eases up from the couch, going slow and quiet to make sure Lindsey stays asleep, because she has a nagging feeling that her best friend would not be particularly supportive of the choice she’s about to make. Once she’s on her feet, it’s easy to tiptoe across the floor until she’s in her room and the thought that it was an accident crosses her mind as she closes the door as much as she can without clicking it shut (a sound that would surely wake Lindsey). But then, the phone starts to vibrate again, and it’s there again: Kelley’s name. 

Emily swipes to answer the call but doesn’t raise the phone to her ear as she stands in the far corner of her room, instead just staring at the screen. Her heart pounds and she hates how easily Kelley can do this to her, can make her lungs feel like they’re completely vestigial, a part of her that doesn’t work or serve any purpose at all. It’s like she might throw up everything she’s eaten throughout the night and she genuinely thinks she might black out for a second, because then the call is gone and the phone is ringing again. 

“Hi,” she breathes into the phone, coming to and answering immediately the third time around. 

“Hi,” Kelley answers, her voice just as hushed as Emily’s. “I - I didn’t think you’d answer.”

“You kept calling,” she says, as if Kelley had tried fifty times instead of three. 

“You answered,” Kelley says, her voice different over the phone. Emily hasn’t heard her over the phone in a while. “I thought maybe it was an accident, or the call dropped.”

“No,” Emily says, but she doesn’t offer up an explanation for the way Kelley paralyses her so easily. 

Kelley clears her throat. 

“I might be overstepping here,” she says, and Emily thinks a thousand snarky things, but keeps quiet, “but could you go to your door?”

“What?” Emily asks, trying to keep her voice down, quiet, so Lindsey doesn’t hear. Her pulse accelerates, and she’s not sure that she hates it entirely. 

“Because I miss you,” Kelley says, sounding just as breathless as Emily feels. “And because if you’re going to turn me away, I at least want to see your face one more time.”

Emily ends the call and lets her hands fall to her sides, the implications speeding through her mind, and it only takes a split second before she’s headed back out, back to tiptoeing on the floor and unlocking the door slowly while looking at Lindsey’s sleeping form and thanking God for the fact that the noise from the tv has helped mask all the moving around she’s been doing. She pauses with her hand on the doorknob, asking herself if this is really what she wants to do, but all reasonable and logical thoughts she’s worked hard to instill in her head the past couple of weeks fly out the window - that seems to happen whenever Kelley’s involved, something Emily is extremely aware of - and she’s yanking open the door before she can give herself a single reason not to. 

For a moment, Emily had thought it was a trick, a hoax, a cruel joke, but it’s not. It’s really Kelley in front of her, tired and weary with circles under her eyes and a weak smile on her face. Emily just wants to stand there and soak her in for a minute, but it’s impossible to forget that they’re technically not alone and so the first thing she does is raise a single finger to press against her lips, her other hand gesturing back in the apartment. Kelley nods and takes a step back - she’d been pressed right up close to the door - and that allows Emily to get a good look at her. 

She wishes she couldn’t see her. Kelley looks too good, the pendulum swinging entirely in that direction with her hair down around her face, her freckles standing out sharply, all of her angles somehow smoothed out in the awkward hall lighting. But then the pendulum swings in the opposite direction and Emily can see the slouch to her shoulders, the resigned twist to her half-smile, the wrinkles pressed into the thin t-shirt she’s got on. It’s not hard to guess at how she got here or why she’s here, but Emily isn’t about to wave a white flag anytime soon, no matter whether Kelley looks like she’s been put through hell or not. 

“Hi,” Kelley says, and it makes sense that she hadn’t sounded right on the phone because she doesn’t sound right in person. Her voice sounds like it’s been raked over the coals, and for a moment, just a split second in time, Emily considers the possibility that Kelley’s been having just as hard of a time as she has since they last saw each other - maybe even a harder time of it. 

“Hi,” Emily says, and getting Kelley in front of her had been the easy part of the last minute, but now she’s not sure of what she’s supposed to do. “I can’t - Lindsey’s asleep.”

“I’ll be quiet,” Kelley says, leaning to the side to look past Emily, but the door is three-quarters closed and there’s nothing to see. 

“She fell asleep on the couch,” Emily clarifies.

Kelley makes an attempt to look her directly in the eyes, but Emily doesn’t let her. 

“You turning me away, then?” Kelley says, and there isn’t a trace of humor in her voice, not a single bit of playfulness, not even the audible pouting that she does so often. She’s completely serious, and maybe that’s what makes Emily stop and think about what she wants to do here. 

“No,” Emily says, because it’s the truth. She wouldn’t dare turn Kelley away like this, even after what happened. “Can I - can we maybe do this tomorrow?”

Kelley’s face falls, and Emily finds herself backpedaling. 

“Not tomorrow, sorry. No, you’re here and I’m awake. I just don’t know…”

“It’s fine,” Kelley says, shaking her head. “It’s fine, I told Tobin there was a chance this wouldn’t work, she’ll come back and get me.”

It just goes to partially confirm Emily’s suspicions, and she taps her fingers against her thigh as she thinks of what to say and how to do this. 

“I know a place,” she says slowly, asking herself if this is being reckless, if this is the smart choice. It probably isn’t, but Emily’s never put much stock into doing the right thing anyway. “If you can wait here and let me grab my stuff…”

Kelley is nodding before Emily even finishes talking. 

“Of course,” she says, and her voice sounds like she’s been screaming herself hoarse for a week straight, even though Emily knows that’s definitely not what’s been going on. “Yeah, I’ll be right here.”

Emily heads back into the apartment and retrieves a few things from her room, leaving the tv on because the absolute last thing she wants is for Lindsey to wake up. It doesn’t take long to grab a jacket, her wallet, and keys, and by the time she slips back into the outside hall, she’s almost forgotten how awful Kelley really looks. It strikes an urge in Emily to gather her into a hug, to stroke her hair and tell her that everything will be fine and they’ll be friends again and it’s all good, to keep that up until Kelley looks like herself again. But she doesn’t do any of that; she just locks the apartment behind her and prays that Lindsey sleeps through the night.

“I really appreciate you doing this,” Kelley says, once they’re both in Emily’s car, and the situation is physically reversed from how things were the last time they were together. 

“Doing what?” Emily asks as she drives, her left hand on the wheel, right elbow propped up on the center console. There’s something grounding about driving, something that allows her to maintain some semblance of control here, and she’s thankful for the composure she keeps. It’s late at night, nearly three in the morning, and Emily wonder what the hell Kelley was thinking coming over so late, whether she knew she’d still be awake or was just taking her chances. 

“Listening to me,” Kelley says. 

“You haven’t really say anything yet,” Emily points out. 

“Fine, then for giving me a chance,” Kelley says, and when they come to a red light, Emily looks over to see Kelley slumped against the window, angled towards the center of the car. 

“So you drove back with Tobin and Chris?” Emily asks, mostly to confirm, and Kelley nods. “Had you like, planned on that?”

“What do you mean?” Kelley asks, her eyes unfocused as she looks off into nothing. 

“Can you tell me - “ Emily cuts herself off, clearing her throat before starting over. “Can you tell me how you wound up at my door? And why?”

“Oh,” Kelley says, and it’s small, and for a moment Emily feels uncomfortable before reminding herself that there’s no reason to. “Um, yeah, sure I can.”

“Okay,” Emily says, accelerating as the light turns green. 

It takes a couple more street intersections before Kelley speaks up. 

“It wasn’t my idea,” Kelley says, and it isn’t easy to hear her over the middle of the night road noise, which is a testament to how quiet she’s being. “But Christen kind of knew what all went down.”

“Oh,” Emily says, a flare of irrational irritation spreading through her, but then she thinks of how much Lindsey knows, and finds it hard to let the feeling take hold. “Did you tell her?”

“Yeah,” Kelley says honestly, which surprises Emily. “I’ve been...not my best.”

Emily grips the steering wheel harder - she doesn’t want to feel bad for Kelley, not after everything she’s put her through. 

“It wasn’t hard to tell her,” Kelley says. “I don’t know, she gets it. Things with Tobin didn’t exactly have the smoothest start.”

“They make it look so easy,” Emily says, because it’s true, even though if she racks her brains, she can almost remember the beginning, when the whispers weren’t ones of ease at all. 

“That’s what I said,” Kelley says. “But she kind of gave it to me straight. Told me that relationships need a strong foundation and that’s hard work, and it’s not always rainbows and butterflies for them.”

Emily hums. They’re getting closer to the spot she has in mind, and she drives slow, since it’s not as easy to see in the dark. 

“Anyway,” Kelley keeps on, “we talked for a while. Mostly because I felt really horrible about what happened, and I was pretty sure you we’re going to let me call you up and explain myself.”

“You didn’t even try,” Emily says, and she hates the accusation that comes out lacing her words. 

It’s dark but still hard to miss the way Kelley hangs her head. 

“I didn’t know what to say,” Kelley offers up feebly, and Emily thinks of the message she never read. “I messed up, that part was pretty clear.”

It’s accompanied by a self-deprecating laugh, and Emily doesn’t answer in favor of pulling up and putting her car in park. 

“Come on,” she says, opening her car door. “I always think better when I’m outside.”

“Yeah,” Kelley says, slowly following Emily’s lead. “Me too. You know, it gets cold here at night.”

Emily pauses as she stands, hand on the frame of the car door and ready to close it. She thinks for a second, and can’t help but smile a bit as the idea comes to her. 

“Come here a second,” she says, closing the door and heading for her trunk, gravel crunching under her feet. There’s always a good amount of shit back there - forgotten shoes, empty water bottles, she thinks she sees a roll of pre wrap that’s definitely Lindsey’s - and as Kelley joins her, standing a safe distance away, she pulls out a sweater. 

“Oh no,” Kelley says, staring at it as Emily straightens up. “No, I’m not that cold.”

“You’re in a t-shirt,” Emily says. 

“Why don’t you wear that?” Kelley asks, and Emily raises her eyebrows. “And I’ll wear your jacket.”

Emily shakes her head - there’s no way she’s letting Kelley have her denim jacket, and no way she’s passing up the opportunity to force Kelley into an Adidas pullover. 

“Nope,” she says, and she hates how easy it is to smile at her. “You get what you get and you don’t get upset.”

It’s with great reluctance that Kelley reaches an arm out, and Emily wastes no time in handing off the sweater. It takes no time at all to close her trunk and then beckon Kelley forward - she only holds onto the piece of clothing, but Emily knows that she’ll change her mind in a few minutes. It’s windy where she takes them on the edge of the water, and Emily knows that Kelley wasn’t expecting this, but something about it feels appropriate for a private middle of the night conversation between them. When she plops down onto a bench, Kelley carefully sits down on the opposite side, and she nearly frowns before shrugging and pushing her hands into her jacket pockets. 

“You’ll get goosebumps,” Emily tells her, but Kelley still holds onto the pullover and takes a deep breath. 

“I’m sorry I told you that I didn’t mean it,” Kelley says, and she turns sideways to face Emily, bringing a leg up underneath her. “I lied because I was scared and just wanted to smooth things out and enjoy the little bit of time we had left together, but I can see how that was the wrong thing to say, and I’m sorry.”

Emily is a little taken aback by how easily Kelley apologizes. 

“It’s okay,” Emily says, and maybe that’s a habitual response, because she’s not surprised when Kelley shakes her head. 

“It’s not okay,” Kelley says, and then she draws in a long breath before exhaling completely. “I minimized what I did, and that wasn’t okay. I - “

She breaks off, fingers twisting in the sweater, and Emily doesn’t think she’s ever seen Kelley act like this before, nothing even close. 

“Hey,” she says calmly, meeting Kelley’s direct gaze and trying to look as neutral as she can. “I’m not here to like, argue with you, okay? I’m not trying to fight you on any of this.”

It’s true, she realizes as she speaks. She’s got no desire to make things worse between them, and maybe that’s partially due to her desire to fix things for the sake of their friendship, for the sake of the team, for the sake of the drama of it all - but she also wants to fix things because this is Kelley, and she’s always been important, and Emily doesn’t know how she manages nearly two weeks like this in the first place. 

“Okay,” Kelley says, stretching out her hands, rolling her wrists. “Okay.”

“Just talk to me,” Emily tells her. “I just want to hear you out.”

“Christen told me there were a lot of things she had to do to make it work with Tobin,” Kelley says. “And I know they’re boring and basically married and annoying because they don’t want to do anything without each other anymore - I know all that. But I don’t know, she actually said some stuff that was helpful.”

“Like what?”

“Like how they had to go out of their way for each other,” Kelley says, rubbing her hands on the fronts of her leggings. “As far as traveling and coordinating their schedules. Stuff that wasn’t easy and made them tired and all these red-eyes. And then sometimes when they got to each other, it wasn’t always pretty. She told me about this one time her plane got in late and Tobin didn’t get the message and then her luggage got lost and they were both tired and moody. Like, I guess you have to put it into perspective sometimes, and frame everything about what’s really important.”

“This sounds like quite the conversation,” Emily tries to joke, but one look from Kelley and she falls silent. 

“You’re important to me,” Kelley says, and it’s the first thing that’s got any conviction behind it. “We used to be really close, you know, and I found myself missing that.”

“We still are close,” Emily says. 

“We used to be closer,” Kelley says, and Emily turns her head away, tucking her chin into her right shoulder. “I don’t really understand it, but I’ve been trying to.”

“You got a girlfriend,” Emily says, and it’s hard not to laugh at how easy it is to understand. “She took up a lot of space in your life. And that’s okay.”

“I know,” Kelley says, and Emily doesn’t like the way she says it - like she’s on the verge of getting teary again. “But then it was hard to want to let her keep filling all those spaces. And so I found myself with all these open spaces, and I didn’t know why it bothered me so much, or why I felt like you needed to be the one filling them.”

It’s almost comical, how easy it is for Kelley to steal all the air from Emily’s body. 

“I just wanted you, all the time,” Kelley says, and Emily can hear it, so she turns again to look at her. There’s barely any light to see by, but she would swear that Kelley’s eyes look wet. “And I went about it wrong, I know I did. I had no right to ask you for the things I did, and to keep taking and taking from you. Because you’re one of my best friends, and I really took advantage of the fact that I felt like you’d always be there for me.”

“Of course I’d always be there for you,” Emily says. 

“You shouldn’t have been,” Kelley says, shaking her head. “I was so wrong. But then you kept doing little things and I don’t know, I felt like maybe it wasn’t just me, that maybe you wanted to be the one filling up my spaces. And I don’t know, maybe that was wrong. Maybe you were just being a good friend, but I swear it felt like you wanted me as much as I wanted you.”

Emily doesn’t say anything; she just lets Kelley look at her with a combination of hope and fear and apprehension.

“So I messed up, because you were the one thing I wanted and I didn’t do it right at all. I didn’t care to check in with you and see what you wanted, and I was too much of a coward to end my relationship, and it felt so natural to wake up and kiss you and realize that that’s what I want. Because - because you’re really something special. You know that?”

Emily shakes her head slowly. 

“You are,” Kelley says earnestly. “You - I could list all these great things about you. But I already value you in my life, so please now that all that still stands. I want you so badly, and I did it all the wrong way, but that doesn’t change how I feel about you. That’s why I’m here - because I owe it to you, at the very least, to stand in front of you and make sure that you know I meant what I did but I’m sorry for the way I did it. I wanted to come here after we played Houston, but the flights were screwy and I had to go to DC and break up with my girlfriend in person and at least pretend that I’m not the worst person ever right now.”

Emily just blinks because she wasn’t expecting that - she wasn’t expecting for pieces to slowly fall into place, into where she’s wanted, into where she’s hoped they would be. 

“You broke up with her?”

Kelley laughs but it’s cruel, and she starts to finally pull on the sweater Emily had given her. 

“Nothing I did was enough for her,” Kelley says, pushing her arms through the sleeves. “But then in the middle of her trying to tell me how we could make it work and how she’d try to accept my schedule and compromise and all these other things - I realized that that wasn’t the real problem. The real problem was that there were a lot of things I wasn’t willing to do for her, not the way I used to be willing. Six months ago, I would happily fly to her after a game for just a day together, but I haven’t wanted to do that for her for a while.”

She pauses to finish putting on the pullover, yanking it down over her neck, and it doesn’t go easy past her wrinkled t-shirt, but it works after a few tugs.

“But I want to be here with you, and maybe this is too forward, and I don’t have a leg to stand on here. But I figured the least I can do is lay it all on the line and be honest for once about how I really feel - honest with you, and with myself. Because, and I can guarantee that I hate myself for saying this, and you have to promise not to make fun of me for it, but I want what our teammates have. I want someone who makes red-eye flights worth it. I want someone whose eyes light up my world and make me want to cross an ocean for them. And I want that person to be you, because I’m pretty certain at this point that you’re that person for me. I don’t think I’ve ever showed up at a girl’s door like that before, but I didn’t know how else to do it, and I was scared that if I slept on it and waited for the morning, I’d lose my nerve. 

“But I know I hurt you, and I’ll let you speak in a minute here. First I just want to try and be fair with you, because I know I haven’t been, and it might not be fair of me right now. But I just want to say that I know I’ve fucked up, and if you don’t want me at all, I get that. I’m kind of living on a prayer right now. So if you want me back, great. If you don’t, fine. I can make peace with that. If you want to be friends, we can do that. If you don’t want to ever talk to me again, I’ll manage. Just please, please let us work out a way where I can still be in your life, because I can fill up all those spaces on my own if I have to, but you’re so much better at it than I am.”

When she finishes, Emily expects to feel all the things she’s been feelings since they last saw each other, but she doesn’t. She feels calm, mostly, some of her nerves jumping up her throat as she tries to figure out what to say.

“Um, I would like to be friends,” she says, pulling her hands out of her pockets to ball them up and press them to her chest, pulling up her knees to tuck her heels on the edge of the bench. “You’ve always been really important to me. I guess that goes without saying at this point. Otherwise I don’t think I would have been as hurt as I was.”

“I know,” Kelley blurts out. “And I’m sorry, I really am.”

Emily shoots her a half smile. 

“It’s hard for me to say this,” she explains, “but I’m going to try and say my piece now. Since you were nice enough to be honest with me.”

Kelley nods and mimes zipping her mouth shut. 

“I’ve, uh, kind of wanted for you to say some of those things for a long time,” she says, and she can feel her cheeks burn, and not just because of the sharp wind whipping past them. “Maybe wanted isn’t the right word. I’ve dreamed of it? I don’t know. I had a lot of feelings for you at one point, when we were really close, but never really expected any reciprocation. I never expected anything from you, and I’ve always been really grateful for your friendship.

“So yeah, I do really want you in my life. Always have. So when I had those feelings for you, I got really good at compartmentalizing, and I’ve been doing that for a while. I would always find a way to justify things between us by saying to myself that it’s just friendly messing around, and for the most part, that was always true. 

“But that one night at the bar made it really hard to keep my feelings locked away,” Emily continues, and she’s squinting out over the water, too scared of Kelley and her own self right now to look anywhere else. “It kind of blew all my compartmentalization to shreds. And maybe I just thought that I could have that one night with you, and then go back to putting my feelings for you in a box in the back of my mind. But then you tried to kiss me, and tried to blow it off as nothing, and now I don’t know how to go back to before that. Especially with you saying all this stuff.”

When she refocuses her vision to look over at Kelley, she sees something heartbroken but accepting on her face, and scrambles to finish what she’s trying to say. 

“I don’t think we can just be friends now,” Emily says, and she glances back at the water, but then decides that if she’s going to do this, she needs to do it right. She looks at Kelley more seriously, then finishes what she has to say. “I’m being honest with myself - and with you - for the first time ever. And if I’m being honest, I’ve wanted you for a long time. For years. I just...never saw it as a real option. But now it kind of seems like you’re telling me it is, but I need to know if that’s true.”

“It is,” Kelley swears. “Is that what you want?”

Emily feels like she should be nervous, but she isn’t. She takes stock of how she’s feeling, trying to decide if there's anything left that she wants to talk about, if there’s anything that needs to be resolved right, or if it can’t wait until later. However, Kelley must take the lack of immediate response as something else because suddenly she’s shaking her head furiously. 

“I’m sorry,” she says, pulling the sleeves of the sweater down over her hands, so only her fingertips poke out. “I just, I thought I understood what you were saying, but I’m confused. Do you want to be friends, or can you not do that, or what?”

While Kelley talks, Emily slowly scoots down the bench, letting her feet fall to the ground and help her along. When she’s moved all the way over, so that Kelley’s knee presses into her left thigh, she adjusts her weight so they can face each other, and there isn’t a millisecond where she doubts that regardless of what comes next, this is exactly what she wants to do in this moment. 

Because for the first time, she can believe that this is what Kelley wants, too. 

“Kelley,” Emily says, and she knows her voice is too low as she reaches her right hand over, fingers wiggling. Kelley responds and gives Emily her own hand, and it’s cold within her loose grip, but their fingers still slide between each other and it’s hard not to smile at this. 

“Yeah?” Kelley asks, and it makes Emily look up at her. It’s still dark out and there isn’t too much to see, but she knows Kelley’s face and the way her eyebrows arch and the exact color of her eyes and where her freckles grow darkest in the middle of summer. Emily knows the jut of Kelley’s jawline and the curve of her chin and how her top lip rests against her bottom one, and it’s all etched into her memory enough for her to lean forward and press their mouths together. 

It doesn’t take long for Kelley to react to the kiss, her icy fingers tightening against Emily’s, and it’s easy to smile into the kiss before regaining composure and kiss her with just the barest hint of pressure. There’s a thought that maybe there should be fireworks and this isn’t how Emily envisioned it, but the truth is that neither of them need anything that would look like it belongs in a movie backed by a national landmark and accompanied by a random pyrotechnic show. This right here is all she’s really needed, Emily thinks, as she relishes the tug down low in her abdomen and the burning of her heart, except this time, it’s the good kind of burn. 

They’re all such similar sensations - hands burning (only this time it’s because she’s fisting the sweater of hers), throat tightening (because now she’s thinking about opening Kelley’s mouth with her own), and a severe inability to breathe (maybe it's been a while since she kissed someone like this, and she’s a little rusty, but that doesn’t mean she can’t get the job done) - but now they all mean something good, and Emily thinks that there’s a chance she can put the hurt behind her and move on. 

Move forward. 


	5. five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> get comfortable! here's another 20k chapter for you

It feels like a bit of a whirlwind, and once again, Kelley’s got no idea how she got here, but she’s still not complaining. 

She’d be lying if she said that she’d spent great lengths of time thinking about what it would be like to kiss Emily Sonnett, but she thinks that it doesn’t matter at all, because nothing could live up to the reality of it. Even if she’d had the highest expectations, Kelley still thinks that Emily would have blown them out of the water. There’s something so tender in the way she moves her left hand up to cradle Kelley’s face, fingertips pressing into her jaw and lifting her head up to improve upon the angle between them, and Kelley is unable to decide between letting the kiss remain sweet and tentative, or deepening it into something a little different. 

It’s not what she’s expecting, when Emily makes the decision for her. Kelley thinks that maybe it’s because she’s still thinking harder than she normally would be, trying to sort through everything that’s been said and what this kiss means; meanwhile, Emily spoke like this could have been something that she was spending a lot of time thinking about, and then Kelley’s also got to wonder if she’s living up to Emily’s expectations. She’s thinking too hard, but Emily is  _ so good  _ that it makes up for it, and Kelley finds herself unusually content to take the backseat here, responding but not initiating, and Emily doesn’t seem to care. 

Emily kisses like she’s been ready for this for ages, and that both thrills and scares Kelley. When Emily works their mouths open together, it’s subtly persistent so much so that Kelley barely even notices, so sucked into the way the kiss is warm and everything around them feels muted, everything paused so they can do this together. It’s easy to get lost in it, get lost in the bliss and ignore the dipping temperature around them and just focus on how Emily is shifting closer while refusing to let their lips part. 

But eventually they run out of breath and Kelley isn’t sure which one of them it is, only that they pull apart gasping for air and unable to look away from each other. There’s something on Emily’s face - her eyes wide and unblinking, expression surprisingly serene in the middle of this mess - that makes Kelley want to slow down, despite the urge to grab her by the back of her neck and make out on this bench until the sun comes up. 

“Um,” Emily says, the first to speak. They’re still holding hands, holding tight, and Emily is no longer cupping her face, but her arm is stretched out along the back of the bench, bracketing Kelley in. 

“Yeah,” Kelley says, and her lips almost feel numb, or maybe she’s still processing this, or maybe it’s just that cold out. “That was - “

“I know,” Emily says, and suddenly there’s a smile on her face and a quick breathless laugh - it evaporates any possible tension between them, and then Kelley’s smiling too, fingers holding on even tighter, if that’s possible. 

“You’re so great,” Kelley tells her, and the words feel inadequate and she’d normally be better at this - hell, she had been better at this, half an hour ago, before they’d begun kissing and before Emily had spoken - but she’s realizing that this is just the tip of the iceberg and that’s nothing if not unnerving. 

“Nah,” Emily says, and Kelley wishes she could see her better, could make out more than a smile and a shake of her head. “No, I’m not, I just thought that was the right thing to do.”

“It was,” Kelley tells her, and she leans forward to try and peer into Emily’s eyes. “I thought for sure you were about to tell me that we couldn’t be friends or something.”

“I mean, I don’t think I could be just friends with you after all this,” Emily says, and her head angles enough that Kelley can tell she’s looking somewhere past Kelley’s shoulder. “You know?”

“Yeah,” Kelley says, because while it seems harsh, almost refusing to go back to being simply close friends and teammates, she understands, especially now. After kissing her, she really doesn’t think she can ever see Emily again without wanting to do that. After sharing so much together in the last couple of months, Kelley doesn’t think she could come back from this - doesn’t think she would want to. 

“I feel like that should have been weird,” Emily says, and what’s really weird to Kelley is how calm Emily seems when her own insides feel like they’ve been jumbled up and she’s still trying to put them where they belong. 

“But it wasn’t?” Kelley says, and Emily nods. “Yeah, I get that.”

Because sure, it absolutely should have been weird - they’ve known each other for years at this point, and Kelley’s not exactly certain of the approximate date and time she started wanting to let Emily be the only one allowed to touch her, but she’s pretty sure that she doesn’t want to change her mind now that she’s gotten here - but it wasn’t. It still isn’t, even with the two of them doing the best they can when factoring in the limited vision, but Kelley knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that there’s nowhere else she’s rather be. They’re trying, Emily trying to forgive Kelley who’s trying to make up for everything she’s done wrong, but it still seems right. 

It’s not weird, and that’s comforting. 

It’s not weird when Emily seems to look at Kelley again, her mouth seemingly curving into that same familiar half smile that somehow conveys just as much happiness as her bigger smiles. 

It’s not weird when Kelley slides her spare hand forward, into Emily’s jacket to clutch at her waist, pulling at the softness of her tank top. 

It’s not weird when Emily adjusts the way the two of them are sitting, so Kelley can sling a leg over her lap and let herself be pulled closer as Emily’s arm wraps around her shoulders. 

It’s not weird when Kelley tilts her head up and Emily kisses her readily, something small that feels big in Kelley’s chest. 

None of it is weird, which is how Kelley knows this is right. 

“How’d you know?” she asks Emily, cuddling into her side as best as she can. 

“How’d I know what?” Emily asks.

“Know that you liked me?”

Emily just hums for a moment, clearly contemplating the question.

“You just want an ego boost,” she says, low and a pleasant buzz in Kelley’s ears. 

“Maybe,” Kelley says, and Emily’s jacket smells like her - that same fresh deodorant and laundry detergent smell that Kelley could get addicted to, if she isn’t already. “Will you tell me anyway?”

Emily taps a nonsensical rhythm onto Kelley’s upper arm. 

Kelley isn’t sure of what she’s expecting - something a little silly and generic about her freckles or her smile or her muscles, but something physical for sure. She thinks Emily will say something about her bravery, tenacity, the way she’s bounced back from injuries, the way she’s shuffled from position to position; definitely something about her soccer playing abilities. Maybe if Emily’s really feeling cheesy, something about how she’s been nice and welcoming to the younger players on the team. 

Whatever it is that she expects, it’s not what she gets. 

“You make me feel bigger than I am,” Emily says, and it’s distant and a little cool, but Kelley might know her well enough to know that this is just her sharing something that she wouldn’t easily share with anyone. 

Just when Kelley thinks she’s going to have to resort to pinching Emily’s side and asking her to finish the thought or if that’s all she has to say, Emily goes slightly rigid and speaks again. 

“Even when you were always starting and landing partnerships and had a million people that wanted your attention - and I know it wasn’t a million, but sometimes it felt like you were being pulled in a million directions - you still managed to fit in these little moments where I didn’t feel like a freaking fool for trying to be your friend,” Emily says. 

Kelley doesn’t want to shed any more tears over Emily, but she feels upset. She wants to say something, to hold onto her tightly and praise her until neither of them can take it anymore, but something about the way Emily shifts her head to lean on Kelley’s makes her remember that she already knows that that would be the wrong thing to do. 

“I know I’m funny,” Emily says, and it’s so strange how she can be quietly self-assured and vulnerable at the same time. “I know I’m generous and people like having me around, generally. I like feeling like people like me - who doesn’t? But especially early on, it was real easy to feel like I just couldn’t measure up to who people thought I was. To who I thought I was.”

This isn’t exactly news to Kelley, but it’s new to hear it from Emily’s mouth. She’s heard bits and pieces of this before from interviews, teammates, from Emily’s self-deprecating comments scattered in amongst everything else she says, so rare and hidden that Kelley wonders if she’d missed more of them than she’d caught. 

“It’s funny,” Emily says, “how the smallest things people say can get to you. Lindsey would make one comment about a tackle or Rose would say something about how she hated when defenders did this or that, and I already would be feeling like I needed to prove myself, so it was easy for it to chip away at me, even when I knew it didn’t mean anything. Even when I knew they meant nothing by it. I mean, they’re my best friends, I don’t think they ever meant to hurt me.

“But I don’t know, you never did that,” Emily continues. “You had nice things to say, like you saw the good, but you managed to help me be better without ever making me feel like I hadn’t done enough, or had done something wrong. Even if you were teasing, I could see it for what it was and not let it bother me. And then when I didn’t want to talk, you never pushed me. Until I started to feel like when I was with you, I was more than just some over-hyped kid who couldn’t make a roster. 

“And then even when I was making rosters again, you didn’t blink an eye. You just made it seem like I hadn’t been gone a second, like I hadn’t missed a thing with you. And yeah, we kept in contact outside of camps and we were still friends - “

Emily cuts herself off and takes a deep breath. 

“I think I’m getting off track.”

“It’s okay,” Kelley says, nearly whispering. “I like listening to you talk.”

They’re still holding hands, and they both squeeze at nearly the same time. 

“Anyway,” Emily says determinedly, “I liked you because you made me feel important. And that seems like a really selfish thing but I swear it’s not. It wasn’t just about me and how I felt, but it was about everything you were that was good. Because you’re so good, Kelley. You’re so good to the people in your life, and I feel really lucky to be someone you consider important. You’re nice and genuine and you push the people in your life to be better, but you don’t push me too hard. You make everyone around you better just by being who you are, and I think I was a little in awe of that, because it made me realize that there are a lot of ways you can contribute to your environment. And I guess I liked that - someone who made me see my own potential.”

Kelley doesn’t speak immediately because there’s a lump in her throat. 

“I wasn’t really expecting that,” she confesses. 

Emily laughs, which Kelley  _ really  _ wasn’t expecting. 

“Do you want me to tell you what a great ass you’ve got?” Emily teases, and Kelley can feel it, the way it tests any new boundaries they might be trying to put into place. 

“Maybe,” Kelley says, and she pretends to pout while Emily rolls her eyes, but then Kelley pulls on her jacket collar and Emily takes Kelley’s chin in her cupped hand and pulls her in for a kiss that’s brief but hard and hot and when she pulls away, Kelley feels warm inside. 

“What time is it?” Emily asks, but Kelley’s too busy thinking about kissing her again. 

“Huh?”

“Time,” Emily repeats, gently shaking Kelley’s hand off of hers and pulling out her phone when it becomes clear that Kelley isn’t going to. Kelley peers over at the screen, the time flashing 4:47, and she almost thought that they’d been here longer than that. However, that’s far from the most noteworthy thing thing on the phone, and Kelley thinks she might physically recoil when she sees Lindsey’s name. 

“You said she was asleep,” Kelley says accusingly, but Emily’s just unlocking her phone as though she’s totally unconcerned.

“Hm?”

“Horan,” Kelley says, and she digs her chin into Emily’s shoulder to get a good look at the letters on the screen, but it’s hard because the font is on the smallest size setting and the brightness isn’t nearly high enough for her. 

“What about her?” Emily asks distractedly, and Kelley reaches over to hold the phone steady enough for her to read. Thankfully, Emily doesn’t seem to mind too much (it’s a stark contrast from the last time Kelley was looking at her phone, she’s aware).

**Lindsey Horan: ** Son where are you?? Do not do this to me

**Lindsey Horan: ** I can’t believe you’ve done this to me again

**Lindsey Horan: ** I’m not dumb! I know where you are! 

**Lindsey Horan: ** I’m changing the locks and taking your name off the lease

**Lindsey Horan: ** I give up. You know that I know where you are, right?!

**Lindsey Horan: ** I’m really going to enjoy planning your funeral. See you at the wake. I’m going back to bed. 

Emily chuckles, but Kelley has no idea how she can manage that at a time like this.

“She’s insane,” Kelley says in a hushed voice. “Does she always text like that?”

“Um, kind of,” Emily says, and Kelley watches her begin to type out a reply before deleting it and locking her phone. “She’s not insane - I mean, okay, she is. A little. But she just cares about me, I think.”

The uncertainty in her words makes Kelley soften, and she wraps herself around Emily’s left arm, finding a particularly worn spot of denim to rest her cheek on. 

“I’m tired,” she says unthinkingly. 

“I hope you don’t think we’re going back to mine right now,” Emily says, and Kelley can imagine her raised brows. “I can drop you off at Tobin and Christen’s, though.”

“No,” Kelley says quickly at the same moment her stomach growls loudly. “No, I don’t want to leave you yet.”

“Alright,” Emily says, tapping a contemplative finger on her own chin. “Well, you’re clearly hungry - “

“Shut up,” Kelley says, mouth mashed up against Emily’s jacket. 

Emily nearly chortles. 

“Come on,” she says, gently extricating herself from Kelley’s grip. “Time for the next stop on the tour of Emily’s favorite secret places in Portland.”

“Oh?” Kelley asks, and she only gets up from the bench when Emily starts to walk away, scrambling after her. “Where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise,” Emily tells her, and she holds out a hand for Kelley to hold onto for the several strides till they reach the car, and it’s almost sweet enough that Kelley nearly forgets to harass Emily into telling her where they’re going. Only almost, though. Kelley pushes and pouts through the entire ride and Emily takes it all in stride with a snappy remark at the ready or refusing to answer at all, and Kelley loves her all the more for it. 

After all, she’s not here because she wants easy. 

She’s here because she wants Emily.

*

It’s all shitty diner lighting and greasy vinyl seats, and Kelley’s got no idea what she’ll order from the fingerprint-smeared menu she’s trying not to touch, but Emily is bouncing a leg under the table and they’re in a small booth that makes it easy for Kelley to knock her foot against Emily’s knee. 

“What?” Emily asks, looking up suddenly as though she’d forgotten she wasn’t alone. 

“I didn’t really take this to be your kind of place,” Kelley says, an elbow resting on the tabletop. It smells like lemony bleach and decades worth of fried bacon, but she knows options are limited before six or seven o’clock so she’s not about to complain just yet. 

Emily just shrugs, leg still bouncing while going back to reading the menu. 

“Don’t presume to know everything about me,” she says, flicking past another page. 

“I don’t think an avocado has ever entered this establishment,” Kelley says, looking around. There aren’t many other patrons - an elderly couple, a group of girls that look college aged, and a pair of guys that Kelley swears look too young to be here alone at this hour. 

“I eat other things, you know,” Emily says. 

“We’ll see,” Kelley returns, and Emily’s leg won’t stop bouncing, and it’s about to drive her crazy. 

Emily orders coffee and water. Kelley gets orange juice because she needs to sleep at some point and doesn’t feel like taking her chances with decaf. She watches Emily dump at least four Splenda packets in the coffee before tasting it and adding two more. 

“Jesus Christ,” Kelley says, watching her. 

“Makes it tolerable,” Emily explains, setting aside the spoon she’s been using to stir the mixture with. 

“Just add some milk,” Kelley says, and it’s like watching a horror movie as Emily shrugs and brings the mug to her mouth. “Are you a psychopath?”

Emily grins tiredly from over the rim of her mug. 

“I’ve got practice later,” she says, and Kelley kind of feels bad. 

“Do you have to go?” Kelley asks, even though she knows the answer to that. “Now I feel guilty. What time is it?”

“Don’t,” Emily says. “I’ll try to nap or something after this. It’s not till afternoon.”

“Can I come?” Kelley asks, mostly because she already knows what Emily’s answer will be, and sure enough - 

“No,” Emily says, shaking her head. 

“Then do you really have to go?” Kelley tries again. “Come on, can’t you skip just once?”

Emily merely looks at her like she’s got three heads, and shakes her head again - slowly this time, clearly in disbelief that Kelley would ever suggest such a thing. 

“How are you going to face Horan?” Kelley asks, changing tack as Emily just shrugs some more.

“She won’t hurt me,” Emily says, and Kelley catches it, the mischievous glint in her eyes. “I’d be a little worried if I was you, though.”

“What have I done!” Kelley asks a little too loudly, way too indignantly, and Emily sets her mug back on the table before fixing her with a stare that plainly says  _ are you kidding me? _

But before Kelley even gets a chance to defend herself (she’s not even sure that she can, because she definitely doesn’t deserve to, and maybe she  _ should  _ let Lindsey Horan chop her body up into little parts and scatter them all the way between here and Georgia), a waitress is taking their orders and Kelley doesn’t get a chance to hide the disgusted look she pulls when taking in the sheer amount of food Emily orders. 

“Um, just the fruit and yogurt platter,” Kelley says. “And then some toast. Do you have wheat?”

Emily just shakes her head and does a poor job of hiding her smile in her jacket collar.

“I refuse to be judged by someone who just ordered bacon  _ and  _ sausage with pancakes  _ and  _ eggs  _ and  _ hash browns,” Kelley says as soon as the waitress walks away. 

“Half of it’s for Lindsey,” Emily says, finally kicking back in her side of the booth, legs stretching out - Kelley can feel their shins bump into each other, but she just adjusts to give them both enough room. 

“Bribery?” Kelley asks. “Is that what works for her?”

“I’m not sure what is going to work for her,” Emily says, “but it’s probably a start. She’s been a godsend.”

“Why?” Kelley asks, and maybe it’s tactless because it should be obvious, but Emily’s eyes don’t darken and she merely blinks before taking another sip of her coffee. 

“Kind of haven’t had the best week,” she jokes, still holding her mug. “Have you?”

Kelley thinks that being honest with each other like this is new, but she doesn’t think twice about reciprocating. 

“No,” she says. “It fucking sucked.”

Emily laughs and it’s not much, not in the weird diner atmosphere, but it’s enough.

“I barely slept,” Emily says.

“God, I feel that,” Kelley says, pulling up a foot to rest an ankle on her opposite knee. “I’m so tired.”

“Same, hence the coffee,” Emily says. “I probably won’t nap, honestly. I’ll get home and Lindsey won’t leave me alone and I’ll crash after practice if I’m lucky.”

“Why can’t you nap?” Kelley asks. “If she doesn’t let you sleep - “

“Nah,” Emily says, shaking her head. “Just, I dunno, can’t sleep super well.”

Kelley feels bad because she knows it’s her fault, even if Emily’s too nice to say so. 

“Am I taking you to Chris and Tobin’s after this?” Emily asks when Kelley doesn’t say anything. 

“Trying to get rid of me so soon?” Kelley quips, and she’s not prepared for the way Emily’s mouth twists into a frown.

“No,” she says. “I just figured, your stuff is with them, you wanted to sleep, but it can be up to you.”

“I don’t want to leave you,” Kelley says.

“You said that before,” Emily remarks. 

“It’s true,” Kelley says, thinking about how it’s never felt weird to insist upon them spending time together. 

“Well, you can always come face Lindsey’s wrath with me,” Emily says, and it’s clear that she’s kidding around and doesn’t expect the way Kelley seriously contemplates that option. “Kelley, no - don’t do that. You can’t.”

“Then why offer?” Kelley asks. 

“I was joking!” Emily protests, and Kelley loves the way she looks a little flushed along the edges of her ears, the way she bites at her bottom lip. She wants to kiss her, Kelley thinks, as if that’s a completely normal thought for her, which maybe now it is.

“Too late,” Kelley says, grinning in a way that she knows will make Emily groan, and she feels satisfied when it does. “You offered! I’m just taking you up on it!”

“It wasn’t serious,” Emily grumbles, pushing her mug onto the table. It’s nearly empty, and Kelley doesn’t get how she’s doing it. Her hand stays outstretched though, and Kelley wastes no time in easing Emily’s fingers away from the handle and between her own. It makes Emily look up and meet her gaze, and Kelley smiles as winningly as she can. 

“I haven’t slept,” Kelley starts, “drove in the backseat with Tobin and Christen being completely insufferable up front, haven’t showered, am being forced to eat diner food, and haven’t complained once.”

“I don’t know if that last part is true,” Emily slides in. “I feel like you’ve definitely complained at some point.”

“In my own head doesn’t count,” Kelley says. “But anyway. My point is - “

“Oh no,” Emily says, and Kelley loves and hates the way she says it. “You’re about to make a point.”

Kelley goes to crossly pull back her hand, but Emily doesn’t let her. 

“My point is,” Kelley continues, “that this is all extremely inconvenient for me, but I really don’t care anymore. I’ll deal with Horan if I can stay with you a little longer.”

“She will literally put you through a woodchipper,” Emily says skeptically. 

“Are you going to let her?” Kelley asks. 

“Maybe,” Emily says, and Kelley wants to kiss her so bad, kiss that dumb smirk off her face, but then their food is there and they have to let go of each other and Kelley picks around the gross melon chunks while Emily drowns her pancakes in an absurd amount of syrup and accepts a new cup of coffee once hers is drained, only to dump just as much Splenda into it as before. 

“Watching you makes me sick,” Kelley says, balancing a piece of toast on her fingertips. 

“Don’t watch, then,” Emily suggests. 

Kelley chews thoughtfully, letting her foot fall to the floor so she can catch one of Emily’s between hers. 

“So I asked you why you liked me,” she says. 

“Was my answer not good enough?” Emily asks through a mouthful of egg. 

“No,” Kelley says, setting her toast down and wiping her buttery hands on a thin napkin. “It was a really great answer.”

“So then what’s the problem?”

“There isn’t one,” Kelley says. “Don’t you ever be quiet?”

Emily just chews with wide eyes, and Kelley smiles fondly. 

“Can I return the favor?”

She’s getting used to Emily taking a while to respond to her and she doesn’t necessarily like it but she tries to be patient, stealing gulps from Emily’s water glass while she waits. 

“You don’t have to,” Emily says once she’s swallowed. “I mean, I trust that you do. I don’t need you to spell it out for me.”

“But what if I want to do that for you?” Kelley asks, closely watching the way Emily wipes her mouth against the back of her hand, nearly hiding the shy smile fighting to appear. She doesn’t protest though, so Kelley takes it as silent permission. 

“I’m not like, as eloquent as you are,” Kelley says. “And after what you said earlier, I’m wondering if this is a selfish reason. But it’s also the truth.”

They’ve come a long way since Kelley came to her door a few hours earlier, but it still takes her a second to gather the courage she needs to do this. She knows she doesn’t have to, but after everything Emily has said and done, she truly wants to. 

“You’re really special,” Kelley says, and there’s the barest hint of brightness that she loves to see in Emily’s eyes. “Like I don’t know how you do it, but you have this way about you that makes people want your attention on them. Maybe it’s just me, but I really don’t think it is. Fuck, I’m not very good at this.”

Kelley laughs and it’s a bit shaky, but the way Emily’s foot jostles between hers is reassuring enough to make her go on. 

“I always wanted you,” Kelley says, and she’d felt so sure about her feelings, but articulating them is harder than she imagined and she’s got a newfound respect for Emily and everything she’d said earlier. “Whether it was just having you trying to make me laugh, or me trying to make you laugh. I wanted to be the one you came to when you needed something, when you were bored, when you were upset - it didn’t matter what, I just wanted to be that person to you. Now that I’m saying it out loud, it’s definitely selfish, but whatever.

“I wanted you because you’re so good at zeroing in on me. You make me feel like I’m the only person you’re even thinking about in those moments. Before you said something about me being pulled in a million directions and I can kind of see how it seems like that, but you’ve got to believe me when I say that nothing makes me feel as good or as important as when you’re focused on me, and only me.

“I know that’s kind of stupid,” Kelley says, picking up the remainder of her toast. “But I felt that really strongly at the time, and I think that’s why I kind of unintentionally did a lot of things I shouldn’t have. All I really wanted was your attention, and until recently I didn’t really understand why.”

There’s a break where the waitress asks if they want the bill and Emily asks for a to-go container. True to what she’d said earlier, she’s eaten just about half of everything on her plate. 

“Did you always like me?” Emily blurts out, pulling her wallet out once Kelley discovers that she must have left hers with the rest of her things. 

“I don’t know,” Kelley says. “I mean, I don’t think so. If I did, I didn’t know it.”

Emily’s expression is unreadable as she waits with her card in her hand and Kelley feels like she somehow said the wrong thing. 

“I think I always knew you were important to me,” Kelley says, trying to make Emily smile while also trying to be honest. “But sometimes things evolve and you don’t always realize right away. So I don’t really know exactly when I might have started liking you, but I do know that no one else makes me feel as special as you do.”

“Kind of setting the bar pretty high there,” Emily says, free hand propping up her chin as she leans in, elbow pressed to the table. 

“Not trying to,” Kelley tells her. “And besides - I think you do it without even trying.”

“I don’t try,” Emily says, “but it probably comes off that way because I did like you a ways back. And I don’t think I ever really stopped.”

She says it conversationally, but Kelley feels like her heart skips a beat. 

“Well then we shouldn’t have a problem as long as you keep doing that,” Kelley says. 

“Planning on it,” Emily says as their waitress returns and there it is, that sparkle in her eyes that Kelley finds completely irresistible, and before Emily can go to pack up her food, Kelley reaches out for her. Emily looks at her questioningly, head tilted and eyes bright, but she’s so lovely like this that Kelley can’t resist, can’t stop grabbing for her hand and yanking it over the table. 

“Don’t dislocate my shoulder, please,” Emily says, her voice a mix of amusement and confusion, a soft smile crossing her face when Kelley kisses her knuckles. 

“Please don’t let Lindsey beat me up,” Kelley says, and she’s joking and they both laugh out loud, but they both know she really means it. 

*

Kelley is tired. Like,  _ really _ tired. 

There’s been too much traveling and she hadn’t slept a wink in Tobin’s car, too anxious about what she was about to do. It’s not as though she’s ever needed much sleep to function on to begin with, but she thinks it might be getting to her, because when she laughs as soon as Lindsey opens her mouth, she suddenly becomes acutely aware of the fact that that was not at all the correct response. Emily looks at her like she’s crazy - which at this point, she very well might be - and Lindsey crosses her arms over her chest, refusing to take the food that Emily is trying to push on her. 

All she’d said was something sassy about how she wondered where her roommate had gone (Kelley’s not sure that she buys this, as Emily had seemed very confident that Lindsey had nothing to worry about, and Lindsey herself had seemed very confident that she knew where Emily was), and it had set Kelley off. 

“I’m sorry,” she says, gasping and rubbing at her eyes. “I really am. I’m just tired.”

Emily opens her mouth - hopefully to back Kelley up - but Lindsey beats her to speak first.

“Did you think I was hanging out on the couch with you because I like old crime shows?” she demands, rounding on Emily who looks rather chilled out for someone about to get chewed out. “Did you think that Tobin was stupid enough to not tell me what was going on?”

“Have you replaced me?” Emily asks, finally giving up on trying to get Lindsey to take the leftovers. “Is Tobin your new best friend?”

Lindsey scoffs, eyes following Emily as she moves around the kitchen, scooping the food onto a paper plate and sliding it into the microwave. 

“You should have covered that,” Lindsey says. 

“I’ll clean the inside if it makes a mess,” Emily says. 

“Tobin is not my best friend,” Lindsey says, her eyes back on Kelley who is still hanging out near the front door, not quite sure what to do. Normally she wouldn’t waste any time making herself at home despite the fact that she’s never been here before, but she’s not stupid enough to test Lindsey right now. She knows that if she doesn’t make it out of here unscathed, she’s never coming back, and that’s not what she wants. 

“Then why are you talking about me behind my back?” Emily asks and Kelley can tell that there’s no malice in the question, but there certainly is a certain degree of upset in Lindsey’s reply. 

“Because you would barely talk to me!” she says, and Kelley doesn’t think she’s ever heard Lindsey this bothered before. “And I was worried!”

“Stop,” Emily says, and it’s almost enviable, how calm she is in these situations, but then Kelley thinks about how calm Emily was when in the passenger seat of her car, and decides that she doesn’t like it all the time. “So what, you knew she was coming to Portland and didn’t say anything to me? You didn’t think to warn me before she turned up here?”

“I didn’t know she’d come to the apartment,” Lindsey says, still glaring daggers at Kelley. “I thought that maybe she’d text you or something. I just wanted to be here for you when that happened.”

“So you were protecting me,” Emily says, and this time it’s not a question. “Because I can’t look out for myself.”

Lindsey leans back against the counter, clearly unhappy. Kelley isn’t sure if she should speak up at all, even though she wants to, and remains hovering for the time being. 

“I know you can look out for yourself,” Lindsey says. “I didn’t mean to imply that you couldn’t.”

“Look,” Emily says, rolling her neck around until it cracks. “It’s all cool now. Okay?”

Lindsey looks at Emily, mouth gaping wide open. 

“All cool?” she very nearly splutters. “Emily - none of what happened was cool!”

Kelley thinks that now would be a good time to slide into the conversation - so she does. 

“I know it wasn’t,” she says, and Lindsey whips around to face her entirely. It would be intimidating what with her stature and all, and there’s a part of Kelley that is somewhat scared here, but what’s more important is making sure that Lindsey gets caught up on the situation.

“Do you?” Lindsey asks, and Kelley almost recoils, but then Emily is smiling into the sleeve of her jacket and it’s too cute, and Kelley is reminded of why she’s here. Why she’s entered the lion's den. 

“Yeah,” she says as confidently as she can manage. “We talked it out. Not that it’s like, any of your business.”

Lindsey narrows her eyes at that, but then the microwave beeps and Emily is pulling the plate out and sliding it down the counter towards Lindsey. There’s a serious moment between them (Kelley thinks she sees Lindsey let up just a little, some of the anger leaving and easing her posture as Emily looks at her) during which Emily speaks lowly, nearly whispering, but Kelley can still hear and gets the sense that she’s supposed to. It’s interesting to watch their dynamic - the way Lindsey pulls and Emily pushes back, only to give in a little bit and have Lindsey immediately back off. She gets the sense that as well as she feels like she knows Emily, Lindsey might give her a run for her money. 

Not that she would ever allow that to be tested - she’s not about to chance coming in second there. 

“She broke up with her girlfriend,” Emily says, holding a fork but not quite giving it to Lindsey yet. “You know how complicated stuff gets, so let me figure this out, okay?”

Lindsey hesitates, a hand reaching out but not making a clear attempt at taking the fork. 

“Okay,” she says, and Emily finally gives it to her. “I know you can handle your own stuff.”

“Right,” Emily says. “I can. I have.”

Kelley swells with pride at that.

“But,” Lindsey says, her voice going lower than Kelley’s ever heard, and she has to strain to hear, “if she ever breaks your heart again, I’m not kidding about killing her.”

Kelley can’t help but make a noise of protest at that, and Emily glances at her, eyes bright and alive and there’s something else there, something Kelley isn’t quite as familiar with. 

“I know you aren’t, but she didn’t break my heart,” Emily says, brushing it off and backing away to let Lindsey dig into the food. “I’m going to put her down for a nap, okay? Before she can do or say anything else stupid.”

“Hey!” Kelley cries out “I haven’t done anything stupid.”

“You’ve done a lot of stupid things,” Lindsey says around a mouthful of sausage, and Emily just chuckles as she pushes Kelley in the direction of her room. 

“Come on,” Emily says, and Kelley likes the way her hands feel on her waist: firm and steady. “Let’s get you out of that sweater before you get a rash.”

“Thank God,” Kelley says, even though it’s quite possible the most comfortable article of clothing she’s worn in a while. 

Emily’s room is neither messy nor neat, with an unmade bed and piles of clothes and shoes contained to a couple of spots. It’s not anything special or outstanding, but it’s something Kelley has only seen brief glimpses of before through the occasional short Facetime or a quick snap of whatever new merchandise Emily had been sent and wanted to show off, and it’s nice to finally see it in its entirety. 

Somehow, it all suits her. 

“So, it’s almost half past seven,” Emily says, shedding her jacket as Kelley kicks her shoes off. “We can either try and go out there and coexist with Lindsey, or we can nap, or I can take you over to Tobin’s - “

“Why do you keep trying to get me to go back to Tobin’s?” Kelley interrupts. 

Emily hangs the jacket over the doorknob of her closet and Kelley takes her in - it’s the first good look she’s gotten since she first saw her earlier, the lack of adequate light or surrounding distractions always interfering. The closest she’d come was in the diner, but they’d been seated and the denim jacket had been the most visible thing on her person. Now, though, Kelley can see that she’s been wearing sweatpants and a thin cotton tank top and she just wants to be close to her when she looks this good. 

“I guess I just want you to know that you have the option,” Emily says, taking her hair out of its bun and raking her fingers through it. “I know it’s been pretty intense and we’re both tired, so I’d understand if you didn’t want to be here for a while. Just to like, decompress or whatever.”

Kelley doesn’t understand because being with Emily is what has always helped her decompress, but she considers it from Emily’s point of view and it makes a little more sense. If she’s really been focused on packing away her feelings for Kelley, that maybe their time together hasn’t always been as stress free for her as it has for Kelley, or as stress free as it’s appeared to be. She wants to change that, and she wants to start now. 

“I can go if you want me to,” Kelley offers, even though it’s not what she’d prefer. 

“I don’t,” Emily says, maybe a little too fast. 

“Good,” Kelley says. “Because all I really want is to pass out on the nearest bed, which right now happens to be yours.”

“Wow,” Emily says as she redoes her bun. “It seems a little soon to be inviting yourself into my bed, but go ahead.”

Kelley just grins. 

“You owe me clothes,” she tells Emily. 

“I washed yours,” Emily says, and she disappears into her closet for a second before emerging with the sweatpants and t-shirt that Kelley had loaned her a couple of weeks prior. “That okay?”

“Perfect,” Kelley tells her, and Emily goes to grab them both water while Kelley changes. She can hear her talking in hushed tones with Lindsey and tries her best to eavesdrop, but can’t make out anything specific through the mostly-closed door. When Emily returns, she offers Kelley a water bottle and goes to get comfortable in bed. 

“You know why we’re lucky?” Kelley asks, going to the far side of the bed and climbing in. 

“Why?” Emily asks, leaning against her propped-up pillows and setting her water and phone on her nightstand. 

“Because we like opposite sides of the bed,” Kelley explains. “We don’t even have to fight about it.”

“You’re getting real ahead of us here,” Emily says, and Kelley knows that maybe she’s right to some degree - after all, they haven’t been on good terms for even a day. But Kelley hasn’t ever been good at taking things slow, and when she sinks into the mattress and lays down, it’s pretty easy to forget all of the logical reasons why she should reign in anything she’s feeling. 

“Lay down with me,” Kelley says, reaching over to pat Emily’s thigh. Emily just groans and shakes her off, pulling the blankets over them. 

“I’m not sure I can sleep,” Emily says. 

“Why not?” Kelley asks, lifting her head up and rolling onto her side so she can look at Emily better. 

“The coffee,” Emily says. 

“That was your own doing,” Kelley tells her, hand and elbow supporting her head. “As was all the sugar.”

“I guess,” Emily says. “I might just mess around on my phone a bit, but don’t let that stop you.”

Kelley feels bad but knows that Emily doesn’t want to hear about it, doesn’t want Kelley to insist she at least try to sleep, doesn’t want to feel like she’s inconveniencing Kelley, so she decides to just make the best of the situation.

“Come here,” Kelley says, pushing off her elbow a bit, and Emily complies readily with a bowed neck. Kelley leans up to kiss Emily and it’s nothing much at all, but she still hopes that it sends the same thrill down Emily’s spine that it does hers. Because really, Kelley thinks as she takes another kiss - this one longer, sweeter, with more of an ache to it - that leaves her wanting more, she didn’t know that simply kissing someone would make her feel this way. It doesn’t seem like it should be much and yet it feels like everything, and as Kelley lowers her head to rest in Emily’s lap, she wonders if that’s another way to know that this is right. 

She’s more tired than she thinks. As soon as she closes her eyes, as soon as Emily tangles a hand in her hair, as soon as she curls her body against Emily’s legs, Kelley’s feeling half comatose and it doesn’t even take any time at all for her to fall into a deep dreamless sleep. It’s peaceful, and the last coherent thought she has is that this right here, in a foreign bed with someone she’s unbelievably familiar with, could be her new favorite place on the planet. 

*

**Emily Sonnett: ** at practice, figured i should let you sleep. feel free to use my shower and whatever towels you want

**Emily Sonnett: ** i’ll be done around 4, want me to bring any food back?

**Emily Sonnett: ** tobin brought me your shit. are you moving in or what

**Emily Sonnett: ** how can you still be asleep? if you don’t respond lindsey and i are bringing back chipotle

Kelley calls rather than text back - the vibrations from the last message had woken her up and she might still be coming out of her coma, but she doesn’t think twice about it. It’s like she’s suddenly got permission to do all these things she never got to do before - at least not without a part of her wondering if she was doing something wrong. Now though, she knows she’s allowed to call Emily whenever she wants, and she fully plans on taking advantage of that. 

The call gets answered on the third ring. 

“Why are you calling?” 

“Hi to you too,” Kelley says. “Where are you?” 

“Chipotle,” Emily answers, and she hears a voice in the background that can only be Lindsey. “Just pulled in.”

“What happened to giving me a chance to respond?” Kelley asks. 

“Uh, yeah, Lindsey kind of pulled rank here,” Emily says. 

“Rank?” Kelley asks. “According to what? Definitely not seniority.”

“According to her, according to something about how she’s the only one here with any brains or common sense.”

Kelley snorts. 

“Can I text you my order?” she asks. 

“Yeah,” Emily says. “Lindsey - fuck off. I’m not paying for yours.”

“Pay for hers,” Kelley says. “She deserves it.”

There’s a pause, and then Emily’s voice somehow sounds closer and clearer. 

“I’ve got your stuff,” she says, and Kelley can nearly hear the apprehension there. “Are you like, staying? Did you ask her to bring it?”

“No,” Kelley says honestly, “but is it really crazy to think that I might want to crash with you for the night instead of over there?”

“No,” Emily says, and she sounds a little lighter, but not quite her normal self yet. “Alright, I’m going to go. Text me your order.”

“I feel like you should know it by now,” Kelley says. 

“I’ve got too many people’s Chipotle orders to remember,” Emily says dramatically. “Lindsey, Rose, sometimes Alex - “

“If you know Alex’s but not mine,” Kelley starts, but Emily is laughing and it makes Kelley laugh too. 

“I’ll see you soon,” Emily tells her. “Okay?”

“Okay,” Kelley says, and it’s weird but also not, the way her face can’t seem to relax out of a smile. “Bye.”

They hang up, and Kelley thumbs through her phone while turning on the shower and locating a clean towel. The water helps wake her up and it feels surreal to be where she is, reading the labels on every bottle on the shelf and keeping an ear out for a reply to the message she’d shot off to Christen before getting in. When she gets out and towels off, the apartment is still quiet and she spends a minute on her phone before getting dressed and wondering if it’s silly to be missing Emily already. 

There’s a part of her that worries that the only reason she feels this way is because it’s so new and shiny and exciting, and that’s scary. As much as she wants to throw herself into this and give it her all, she’s been in enough relationships to know that this is how it is in the beginning. Even before the so-called honeymoon period, there’s always this stage of complete and utter infatuation, and Kelley’s got no problem with that at all, because she kind of loves it. 

She loves all of this: where she can’t wait for that someone to return and come back to her, where she wants to stay up late with them and risk being exhausted the next day, where every kiss feels like a momentous occasion. Kelley has been through this before, and she loves the adrenaline rush it gives her, and how it makes her feel on top of the world in ways that are nearly incomparable. The fact that she can’t decide which feels better - falling for someone or winning (two) world cups - means that she knows how much of a high this is, and while she doesn’t mind feeling these things, she’s still aware of what can happen when it’s over. 

No matter how sure she is that this isn’t a passing fancy, a cursory crush, and she’s definitely sure that this is more than puppy love for the both of them, she doesn’t know what it’s going to look like when this passes. They might have jumped over the biggest hurdle so far (admitting their feelings for each had been a bit of a challenge, putting it lightly) and now they’re both running on the pure joy that comes with being honest about their feelings and having them reciprocated, but there’s still a lot of other shit that comes afterwards. 

So yeah - Kelley’s maybe thinking about this too hard, but perhaps it’s just her mind’s attempt to balance out the times when she hadn’t thought about it enough. 

Kelley’s still working Emily’s brush through her wet hair when she hears the front door unlock. She’s dressed back in her sweats but doesn’t head out immediately, instead listening to Emily and Lindsey’s bickering float in through the open bedroom door. 

“You’re such a bitch!” Emily is exclaiming. “I had to carry all her stuff up here, and you couldn’t even open the door!”

“I had my hands full,” Lindsey says, and Kelley rolls her eyes at her reflection. 

“Yeah right, with your keys,” Emily says, and then there’s the sound of her shoes slapping on the floor - Kelley wonders if she’s always been able to know when she’s coming, and just hasn’t realized it - before she walks in, dropping Kelley’s bag just inside the doorway. “Hey, you hungry?”

“Starving,” Kelley says, and she’s struck by how strong the urge is to go over and kiss her. It’s an urge that she may have had for a while but hadn’t been able to put a name on until very recently, and as she puts the brush down on the dresser, it occurs to her that it’s actually something she can do now. 

So she does. 

She can tell it surprises her, the way she goes over and winds her arms around Emily’s neck and fuses their mouths together, but there’s not a hint of protest in the way she responds. Kelley knows that Lindsey is right there, presumably, so she doesn’t carry on for very long, only long enough to find out that Emily tastes like fresh air and that damn gum that Tobin always seems to be passing around. 

“Hi,” Kelley says when she pulls back, Emily’s hands loosely gripping her hips, more just holding her there than anything. 

“Hi,” Emily says, and she seems a little bemused but pleased nevertheless. “You were okay while I was gone?”

“Slept most of the time,” Kelley says, even though Emily knows that. “Did you sleep at all earlier?”

“Nah,” Emily says, and she looks remarkably good for someone who hasn’t slept a wink and is running on caffeine fumes. Kelley loves it, how she can still seem so bright and so much like herself. “But that’s okay, I’ll sleep later.”

“Yeah,” Kelley says, and she doesn’t necessarily like how casual she seems about it - there’s something about it all that makes her want to tuck Emily into bed like a baby and rub her back until she’s slept a minimum of eight hours - but she drops it because there’s nothing to be done about it now. 

“I’m going to eat your food if you don’t,” Lindsey calls out, and Emily pulls a face that makes Kelley practically cackle. 

“Okay, okay,” Emily says, pulling out of Kelley’s light grip and heading to the couch. Kelley follows closely and she feels almost like she’s interrupting something sacred as Emily throws herself down and gets comfortable in her corner, food and utensils set out on the coffee table in front of them. She sits down as far from Lindsey as she can manage, but that doesn’t stop the glares that get sent her way as they all eat. It’s hard to tell if Emily’s oblivious or not, judging by the way she keeps her eyes forward on the tv and chuckles along with the laugh track. 

Kelley’s never felt so uncomfortable. 

She wants to go back to Emily’s room so it can be just the two of them, or at least kick Lindsey out. It’s ridiculous, she knows, but she just wants to sit smack dab right next to Emily until they can’t tell whose body parts are whose, and she feels like she at least has to respect the fact that the apartment isn’t just Emily’s. As soon as Lindsey speaks up though, she doesn’t care about that much at all - she just wants away from this situation, and it’s almost comical how badly she’d rather be somewhere else. 

“So,” Lindsey says loudly. “I see we’re wearing our own clothes again.”

Kelley’s instincts make her want to tell Lindsey to fuck off, but she knows she’s got to play nice for now, even if she’d go ahead and say it under normal circumstances. 

Emily doesn’t even acknowledge that Lindsey has said anything, so Kelley just shrugs and figures it’s on her to respond. 

“It wasn’t yours, was it?” Kelley asks. 

“No,” Lindsey says, and her eyes narrow. “But if you knew you were coming, I figured you’d at least have your own clothes.”

“Lay off,” Emily says through a mouthful of rice. “And come on, like you’ve got any room to be annoying about this.”

“What!” Lindsey says, way too defensively. “Are you serious?”

Emily swallows and sighs, kicking her legs up under her. 

“I know you knew she was coming,” she says to Lindsey, who suddenly seems to shrink into the couch. 

“That’s unfair,” Lindsey mutters. “And besides, we already talked about this.”

“No, this is interesting,” Kelley says, sitting up straighter. “Did you know and purposely not say anything?”

Lindsey doesn’t say anything, instead taking another bite of her food. 

“You were totally playing guard dog last night,” Emily says, and it’s not accusatory at all, but that doesn’t make Lindsey relax. 

“So yeah, Tobin gave me a heads up,” Lindsey says. “We already talked about this. What, like you’ve got any room to be mad about it?”

“I’m not mad,” Emily says.

“I am,” Kelley says, because she’s had time to think over it and the thrill and delirium have worn off, but Emily ignores her and Lindsey just shoots her an evil look again. 

“I just don’t like being talked about behind my back,” Emily says, and Kelley feels bad. Lindsey’s expression softens minutely, and when she speaks, it’s with less hostility than Kelley’s heard from her all day. 

“I’m sorry,” she says. “I wasn’t meaning to do that.”

“I know,” Emily says, and Kelley doesn’t know how she can be so understanding. “Doesn’t make it feel any better, though.”

“I just knew you didn’t really want to talk about it,” Lindsey tries to explain, and Kelley personally thinks it’s a bit of a weak excuse, but she also knows that she’s got no room to talk after basically spilling everything to Christen. Well, not everything, but enough that she can feel like she can begin to understand where Lindsey’s coming from. 

“So?” Emily says, and she’s done eating, trash on the table and her arms crossed. It’s funny, Kelley thinks, how it’s not funny at all that sometimes she can take up so much space and seem larger than life, and then go ahead and almost ball herself up in an attempt to seem smaller. “You knew I didn’t want to talk about it, but you thought it was okay to talk about my stuff with Tobin?”

“How do you think Tobin knew in the first place?” Lindsey says. “Not from me.”

“Kelley’s allowed to talk to Christen if she wants to,” Emily says, and Kelley feels warm at that.

“Yeah,” Lindsey says. “Kelley’s allowed to do whatever she wants, isn’t she?”

It’s rhetorical and mean, and Kelley isn’t happy with it.

“Okay, that’s not what - “

Emily cuts Kelley off before she can say much. 

“That’s between us,” Emily says, and Kelley isn’t happy about not being allowed to speak, but part of her appreciates Emily’s intense need for privacy. “Okay? If she needed to talk to Christen, that’s fine.”

“But where did you want the chain of communication to stop!” Lindsey asks, throwing her hands up in the air of frustration. “Did you expect Christen to not tell Tobin? Or should I have stuck my fingers in my ears when Tobin came to me? God, Kelley probably asked Tobin to get through to you through me!”

“I didn’t do that,” Kelley says hotly. “All I did was tell Christen how I was feeling, and I can’t help it if they thought they were helping.”

“There are a lot of things you could have helped,” Lindsey says, and Kelley hates that they’re fighting like this, hates how Emily seems to be physically growing smaller, hates that she can’t just stop it. “Hurting Emily, being top of the list. Would you like to get into the rest of it?”

“Yeah, sure, let’s go,” Kelley says, because she doesn’t know how to back down from a challenge, and she doesn’t realize that she’s fucked up until Emily’s taking her trash and carrying it to the kitchen, throwing it in the trash before either Lindsey or Kelley have registered what she’s doing. 

“I’m sweaty and I’m going to shower,” she announces, and she seems okay on the outside, but Kelley’s getting the distinct impression that she isn’t. “Okay? I don’t want to listen to this.”

Kelley can’t even get up off the couch before Emily’s closing her bedroom door behind her, and she feels awful - like she can’t even go a day without messing up somehow. 

But Lindsey is sighing and deflating and rubbing a hand over her face, and Kelley knows that she’s got to straighten this out now if she wants to move forward. 

“I’m sorry,” she says, and Lindsey looks at her with a muted sort of venom that’s at least somewhat better than what Kelley’s gotten used to. 

“For what?” Lindsey says. 

“For a lot,” Kelley says, slowly migrating to the spot where Emily had been. It’s still vaguely warm, and Kelley curls up there, feeling the slight dip in the cushion. “Most of which I don’t really feel like hashing out again.”

Lindsey’s arms cross over her chest and it’s protective, not just of herself but of Emily. It makes Kelley realize that Lindsey’s not here to hurt any of them, but she’s just trying to do what she thinks is best. 

“And thank you,” Kelley keeps on, “for being here for her. I would have been if I thought I had any right to be.”

Lindsey sighs, and Kelley knows that it’s going to be a minute before the two of them can act normal again, she can tell that as long as Emily is okay, there won’t be any reason for Lindsey to hold any of this against her anymore. 

“God, you know, fuck you,” Lindsey says with a laugh, one that feels genuine. “I can’t even remember the last time I saw her cry, before you.”

“I don’t need to feel any more guilty that I do on my own,” Kelley says, because she can figure out for herself how badly the last couple of weeks had been, based off of how miserable she’d been herself. 

“Yeah,” Lindsey says. “But you should know that I’ve been pretending that every soccer ball has your face on it.”

“Great,” Kelley says sarcastically. “That’s going to help me sleep real well tonight.”

“Are you staying?” Lindsey asks, nose wrinkling with distaste. 

“I assume that’s why Emily brought my stuff back,” Kelley says with a shrug. “Christen heads out in the morning for our game on Saturday so I figured I’d just fly with her…”

“Well,” Lindsey says, getting up off the couch and taking care of her own trash. “Just, you know. Stop doing stupid things.”

“I will,” Kelley says, because she does intend to try her very best.

“She’s not mad, you know,” Lindsey says, and Kelley follows her line of sight to Emily’s closed door. “She just hates conflict.”

“Yeah,” Kelley says. “You sure?”

“Yeah,” Lindsey says. “You can go in there. She won’t mind.”

Kelley isn’t sure if that’s right, if Lindsey’s just telling her that so she can get in trouble, but she misses Emily way too much for the small amount of time she’s gone without seeing her face, so she figures it’s worth a shot. 

“Thanks,” Kelley says, and Lindsey just nods curtly before Kelley opens Emily’s door, sliding in before closing it as gently as she can pull off. 

The shower is still running, and Kelley waits impatiently, sprawled out on the bed with closed eyes. She listens as the water shuts off, and then it’s maybe a minute until the bathroom door opens, and when she sits up to see Emily in a towel, she’s maybe a little surprised. 

“Horan told me to come in,” she says quickly, but true to what Lindsey had said, Emily doesn’t bothered at all.

“Okay,” Emily says, barely sparing a glance for Kelley as she digs some clothes out of her dresser. “Are you two done, then?”

Kelley sighs, remembering how Emily had been before getting in the shower. 

“Did I upset you?” she asks, and Emily pauses with a dresser drawer open, her back to Kelley. 

“No,” Emily says, and Kelley wonders if she knows how completely unconvincing she is. 

“I’m sorry,” Kelley says, because she is; the last thing she wants is to dump more on her, now that they’re finally resolving all the stuff that Kelley had previously dumped on her. 

“It’s okay,” Emily says, and then she’s turning around and Kelley just thinks that she looks tired. “I’m going to change real quick and then do you want to think about what you want to do for the rest of the day?”

“I’m flying back in the morning,” Kelley says. “I don’t really want to, but we’ve got a game on Saturday.”

“I get it,” Emily says, and Kelley believes her.

“Are you okay?” Kelley asks, because she’s concerned, and she’s always cared about Emily, but it just feels different now that they’ve talked and kissed and made up. 

Emily doesn’t answer, and Kelley hates that she’s reminded of the way things were back in her bedroom in Utah, so she does what she was too chicken to do then: she gets off the bed and goes to hug Emily despite the weak protest she gets. 

“I’m all wet,” Emily says, and she’s got one hand holding onto her towel while the other lightly pushes at Kelley’s bicep. 

“I know,” Kelley says, and the water droplets on Emily’s arms are getting all over her shirt, but she doesn’t care. She just hugs her until she feels Emily slacken, leaning almost all of her weight against her in a way that she never has before, and something about it makes Kelley victorious. “You just going to deadweight me, then?”

“I’m sorry,” Emily says, starting to move, but Kelley just holds on tighter and refuses to let her feel bad about it. 

“I’m here for you, you know,” Kelley says, her face pressed to the side of Emily’s. “I know I’ve made a mess of things but I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want us to feel like we’re on opposite sides here. I just want us to be on the same side.”

“Thank you,” Emily says, and it’s like her entire body exhales. “I’m not trying to be mad. I think I’ve just been really out of it and I’m trying to find my way back to normal again.”

“Will you let me help?” Kelley asks, and she doesn’t know how it’s possible, but every moment she spends with Emily is one that she treasures more than the last one. “I’m getting my shit together, I promise, but I can still help you with yours while I’m doing it.”

Emily carefully pulls out of her grip and Kelley fully sees it this time, how tired she is. 

“We’re not going anywhere,” Kelley decides. “I’m putting you to bed.”

“No way,” Emily says, shaking her head and recollecting her clothes. “You said you’re leaving in the morning? We’re not wasting our time sleeping.”

Kelley waits on the other side of the cracked bathroom door as Emily changes. 

“We don’t have to sleep,” she says. “We can watch some tv, or talk, or just relax - but I can tell how tired you are, okay?”

There’s just silence for a moment. 

“You’ll be okay with that?” Emily asks. 

“Yes,” Kelley says decidedly. “Come on, can we watch something on your laptop?”

Emily reemerges, looking beautifully soft and clean. 

“Okay,” she says. “But I might not fall asleep at all.”

“That’s okay,” Kelley says as Emily retrieves her computer, and they get comfortable in bed - Kelley leaning against the headboard, Emily sunk low with her head on Kelley’s shoulder. 

“I’m serious,” Emily says once they’ve decided on a movie. “If you change your mind and want to do something, I’m not going to sleep.”

“Be quiet,” Kelley tells her, linking their pinkies together in her lap. “You’re not even giving yourself a chance.”

Despite her claims to the contrary, Emily falls asleep half an hour into the movie and stays asleep until Kelley has to wake up in the morning. 

*

It’s not even two weeks before they see each other again, but those couple of weeks feel like they stretch on forever. Kelley didn’t think she could ever miss Emily this much, but can’t find it in herself to feel bad about the texts and phone calls and Facetimes. For once, she finds herself annoyed with the amount of travel that’s being required of her, and she’s pretty sure she becomes insufferable during their away game to Chicago, but she just tries to be mindful of the people around her and save the calls for the moments she can sneak away and get a minute to herself. 

Things between them feel like they used to, back when they were close, back before Kelley’s old girlfriend, and yet they still feel new and different. She’s not sure what it is exactly as they haven’t declared anything, but there’s a weight to everything now that lifts them up and makes it easy to transition to the new phase. It’s annoying that she has to travel from Chicago to Utah, then to North Carolina before making her way back to Chicago again, but it’s part of the job and before she boards the flight to Charlotte (Christen’s in Portland and Kelley wishes she’d been able to go there too, but she was running out of clean clothes and wasn’t about to resort to borrowing anyone else's), she finds herself wishing that Emily wasn’t such a good friend. 

**Kelley O’Hara: ** Horan won’t care if you call me

**Emily Sonnett: ** well we both know that’s not true

**Emily Sonnett: ** isn’t becky there to entertain you?

**Kelley O’Hara: ** So? I still want to talk to you!

**Emily Sonnett: ** i’ll see you later, stop distracting me! she’s already getting annoyed

**Emily Sonnett: ** don’t you have a plane to get on?

**Kelley O’Hara: ** Not yet

**Emily Sonnett: ** i’ll literally see you tonight, okay?

**Kelley O’Hara: ** I just miss you 

**Emily Sonnett: ** i miss you too kell

That’s how it’s been for the most part, Kelley thinks as she decides against using the plane wifi simply to text Emily. There are moments where she doesn’t understand why it seems like Emily doesn’t want this as much as she does, why she’s not as open and forthcoming with her affections, but the truth is that Kelley just has to put it all in perspective for a moment before she can get it. Sure, Emily might have confessed to liking Kelley as far back as a few years, but then she remembers that Emily is who she is and definitely is out of practice with this kind of stuff, so she goes slow and easy and lets them default to what’s familiar when it starts to get tough. 

Alex, however, seems to have a different idea. 

She’s already at the hotel when Kelley gets there, waiting for her with her room assignment. 

“Thank you,” Kelley says, letting Alex hug her. “Who am I rooming with?”

“Hello to you too,” Alex says, holding the room key hostage, a hand on her hip. “Anything you feel like talking about?”

Kelley rolls her eyes. She’d given Alex a brief lowdown of what had transpired (Alex, who claimed to have already seen it all coming, yet was completely offended that Kelley hadn’t said anything to her sooner), but apparently that hadn’t been enough. 

“Not really,” she says, reaching to take the card herself, but Alex just holds it out of her reach. 

“You’re not getting off that easy,” Alex tells her. 

“Give me one good reason why I should talk about this with you,” Kelley says. 

“Because I’m rooming with your girlfriend,” Alex says, and Kelley punches her in the stomach. 

“Leave her alone,” Kelley mutters, aware that some of the team staff are watching them as Alex winces and rubs at her abdomen. 

“Wow,” Alex says. “So you’re really not talking about it?”

“I did talk about it!” Kelley exclaims, before lowering her voice. “Look, I don’t want to fuck this up, okay? I don’t need you and everyone else sticking their nose in it.”

“You know that’s not how it’s going to play out,” Alex warns her, and Kelley knows she’s partially right. 

“It’s new,” she says awkwardly. “I don’t know, we’re still trying to figure it out.”

“Well,” Alex says, extending the room key to Kelley. “I won’t make you talk about it if you really don’t want to. I just thought that since I’m rooming with her, and you’re rooming with Crystal, maybe you’d be in our room at some point.”

“Why does that matter?” Kelley asks. “I mean, I’d be in your room at some point anyway.”

“Because now you’ll be there for her,” Alex says, and it takes Kelley a moment to realize how true that is, and the gravity of it all. 

“Yeah,” she says. “Yeah, I guess so.”

She knows better than to try and deny it, especially not with Alex. 

The past two weeks have been full of pictures of the new plant Emily and Lindsey picked out for their living room, selfies of Kelley dying on the field after practice; a constant absorption in their phones that Kelley isn’t used to. She knows it’s temporary, knows that she’s just itching to hold her and be held again, and that normally she would never act like this - normally, she wouldn’t be able to stand not being present in the moments of her life. But it’s funny that now Emily seems to be the key to the moments of her life that she wants to be present for, no matter how juvenile she knows they’re being. 

It will pass, she knows, but for now she’s content to just ride the wave as best as she can. 

“I was really scared that Horan was going to be my roommate,” Kelley thinks aloud, looking at the room number written in Sharpie on the little envelope. 

“Why?” Alex says, nearly snorting. 

“Because she’s out for blood, that’s why,” Kelley says. “My blood, specifically.”

“Please,” Alex says, and this time she actually does snort. “What’s she going to do? Knock into you during open practice tomorrow? Please.”

“She’s scary,” Kelley says, pointing a finger in Alex’s face. “Okay? I know she doesn’t seem like it, but when she’s standing between you and something you really want, she can be scary.”

Alex grabs Kelley’s hand and forces it down by her side. 

“Whatever,” she tells her. “At least with Sonnett as my roommate, I’ve actually got a shot at spending time with you this camp.”

“It’s not a competition,” Kelley says, even though it totally is, and she knows that. 

“I’m going to win,” Alex says, her eyes getting that hard, focused glint in them. “I don’t care what I have to do, but you’re not spending the entire time with her.”

“I can do what I want, Alex,” Kelley reminds her. “And right now, I’m going up to my room and freshening up before dinner.”

“Freshening up,” Alex mocks her. “I see how it is - you don’t want to spend time with me. But whatever, just get your ass down here for team dinner, okay? I think we’re all going out.”

And go out they do. Kelley doesn’t get to see Emily beforehand - her plane gets delayed and she ends up getting to the restaurant with Horan and the rest of the Portland crew after everyone else has already sat down, and Alex has cruelly planted herself and Allie on either side of Kelley. There are smiles exchanged and Kelley texts her when Alex isn’t looking, but Emily is too busy with Rose and Sam to pay her phone much attention. 

Kelley is almost jealous, but when she goes to the restroom halfway through the meal, she comes out of the stall to wash her hands only to see Emily waiting for her. 

“Hi,” Kelley says, taking in how good she looks - awake and alive, and so much better than the last time Kelley saw her in front of her. “There’s more than one stall, you know.”

“I know,” Emily says, and she’s smiling. “I’m here for you.”

Kelley’s heart balloons, and Emily wastes no time in coming over to embrace her, arms around Kelley’s waist as she kisses her briefly. 

“Hm,” Kelley hums into it, and it’s barely more than a peck, but it’s the highlight of her day. 

The highlight of her last couple of weeks, to be honest. 

“You know, I haven’t washed my hands yet,” Kelley says, gripping onto the neck of Emily’s shirt.

“I know,” Emily says, pulling Kelley’s arms off of her. “That’s how much I wanted to kiss you. Now wash them, that’s gross.”

“You’re gross,” Kelley tells her, and she wants to kiss her again, but then Rose and Mal come bursting in, banging the door against the wall before it swings shut. 

“I need to pee,” Rose announces, looking at the two of them, Kelley sticking her hands under the faucet and Emily standing with a hand in her front pocket. Mal has one hand covering her eyes, and has obviously been using Rose to guide her forward. 

“Are you for real?” Emily says tonelessly, sounding like she’s over it. 

“Is the coast clear?” Mal asks, dramatically lowering her hand. “They’re not doing anything, are they?”

“I hate you both,” Emily tells them. 

“Be a little less obvious next time,” Rose tells her, and once she’s shaken off Mal, she goes into a stall. 

“I’m going back out,” Kelley says as she dries her hands off, still feeling a little like she’s floating with a grin permanently stuck to her face. “You guys behave yourselves.”

“No promises,” Emily says, and she’s grinning too, and Kelley can’t help it as she steals a quick kiss before heading out, and behind her she can hear Mal’s exclamation - 

“Rose! You missed it!”

Something about it makes Kelley smile even wider. 

Her smile widens again an hour later, staring at her phone as she changes into a pair of sleep shorts and a t-shirt. 

**Emily Sonnett: ** alex says you can come by if you want

**Kelley O’Hara: ** Oh, Alex says? Maybe I should tell Alex to come down the hall if she wants me

**Emily Sonnett: ** asshole

**Emily Sonnett: ** will you come by so we can hang out with you

**Emily Sonnett: ** so i can hang out with you?

**Kelley O’Hara: ** What’s the magic word

**Emily Sonnett: ** please?

Kelley knocks on their door and it doesn’t take long to open. 

“Were you like, waiting for me?” Kelley asks, wrinkling her nose. “That’s weird.”

“Sorry for being excited to see you,” Alex says, letting Kelley in. “Next time, just let me make you wait in the hallway like a stranger.”

Emily laughs from where she’s standing between the beds - Alex has claimed the one by the window as usual and all of their stuff has already exploded all over the room, and Kelley wastes no time in climbing into Emily’s still-made bed. 

“That’s kind of rude,” Alex tells her, but Kelley just flashes her middle finger. 

“Hi,” Kelley says, reaching for Emily who’s doing something on her phone. “How are you?”

“Good,” Emily says distractedly, but she lets Kelley take her left hand and press a kiss to her palm. “You know, you’re on my side of the bed.”

“I like to be near the nightstand,” Kelley explains. “I can’t help that this room is oriented wrong.”

Emily takes back her hand to plug her phone in, and Kelley reaches to snap the loose elastic waist of her joggers. 

“I’m going to keep you two in check over there,” Alex calls out from the sink, where she can’t even see them. 

“We’ll behave,” Emily calls back, finally putting her phone down and turning to face Kelley fully. “You’ve got to move over.”

“No way,” Kelley protests, pulling the covers over her more fully. “I need the nightstand.”

“This is my bed,” Emily says, and she just sits on the edge of the bed until Kelley begrudgingly moves over a half foot. As much as she doesn’t want to be on the other side, she’s also suddenly really enjoying having Emily so close to her. 

“There,” she says, and Kelley’s fully aware that she’s pouting, even if Emily seems to be ignoring it. “Happy?”

“Very,” Emily says sarcastically, swinging one leg up onto the bed while the other dangles towards the floor. 

Alex reappears, looking at them critically as she pulls a thick headband over her low ponytail. 

“This is weird,” she says skeptically. “Are you two really doing this?”

“Alex,” Kelley starts, ready to get up and strangle her, but Emily just laughs it off. 

“Doing what?” she asks, and Kelley love the way it comes off so honestly curious. 

“This,” Alex says, motioning between the two of them. “Like, being together. I don’t know, I’ve got to try and wrap my head around it.”

“It’s not for you to try and wrap your head around,” Kelley says. 

Alex puts a hand on her hip, cocking it rather aggressively. 

“I’m being such a good friend,” she says, and Kelley rolls her eyes at how dramatic she’s being. “I’m letting you stay in here, letting the two of you hang out together, being totally accepting and not asking any questions - “

“That’s all you’ve been doing,” Kelley interrupts. “All you’ve done is ask questions.”

Alex frowns and crosses her arms over her chest. 

“Kelley, come on,” Emily says, trying to nudge her further towards the far side of the bed, their thighs smashed up against each other under the blanket and her other leg coming up. “She doesn’t mean anything by it.”

Kelley knows that she’s right, that Alex is just being a pain in the ass because she knows she can get away with it, but that doesn’t make it any less annoying. 

“Listen to her,” Alex says, nodding at Emily. “She knows what’s up.”

“Fine,” Kelley says, and she’s not exactly happy with the two of them ganging up on her - she’d really prefer it with them both on her side. “See if I cuddle with you now.”

She directs that last bit at Emily who doesn’t seem bothered by it at all. 

“I’m serious about keeping you two in check,” Alex says, and she’s still standing in front of the tv like she’s a queen holding court over her subjects. “Hands above the covers at all times.”

“Alex,” Kelley says, “shut up.”

“Why?” Alex says. “This is my room too, you know.”

“Yes, we know,” Kelley says, and she realizes that Emily’s thigh feels very stiff and flexed against her. When she glances over, she sees Emily’s ears turning red, the very beginnings of a flush starting to spot across her cheeks as she grabs her phone. “We’re not planning on doing anything that isn’t G rated, so calm down. We don’t need to be chaperoned.”

She figures that the least she can do is cover for Emily - take care of this and get Alex off their backs, so they don’t have to worry about it for the rest of camp. 

“Cuddling is at least PG,” Alex announces, finally moving and going for the bathroom again, presumably to finish her nighttime routine. 

“Thank you, for educating me,” Kelley says loudly after her. Then, she turns to Emily. “Are you okay?”

Emily looks up from where she seems to be texting Lindsey, her face still slightly pink. 

“Hm? Yeah,” she says. “I’m fine. Are you?”

Kelley doesn’t like this, and she catapults herself out of bed to hunt down Alex: Alex, who is smoothing moisturizer onto her face like it’s no big deal.

“Leave her alone,” Kelley says. 

“She can handle herself,” Alex says, focused on her reflection in the mirror. “Besides, what am I even doing?”

“You’re embarrassing her,” Kelley whispers as low as she can. The last thing she wants is Emily feeling like she’s being talked about behind her back again, but Kelley isn’t about to let this go. 

“How is sex embarrassing?” Alex wonders aloud, and Kelley visibly cringes. 

Alex’s eyes narrow, and Kelley knows she’s fucked up - for the millionth time this year, truly - when she rounds on her with a sort of ferocity that makes Kelley feel intimidated, something that is rarely directed at her. 

“Why the fuck did you go to Portland then!” Alex hisses, clearly getting the memo about keeping their voices down. “Are you kidding me!”

“I was only there for a day!” Kelley defends. “And there was a lot of talking we needed to do, and then a lot of sleeping!”

“You guys are so stupid,” Alex says, rubbing her eyes before whipping off her headband and throwing it on the counter. “So stupid. What if you guys have zero sexual chemistry? How are you supposed to come back from this?”

A throat clears and Kelley feels dread crash over her - Emily’s standing there with a blank expression, just looking between the two of them. 

“I’ll back Kelley up here,” she offers when they’re both looking at her. “And Lindsey was in the next room. We kind of had other stuff to deal with.”

“Exactly,” Kelley says gratefully. “See, we’re on the same page.”

“This is insane,” Alex says loudly, now that they’re not trying to keep the conversation secret anymore. “Like, literally, insane.”

“What!” Kelley exclaims. “What do you want us to do about it?”

Alex pauses for a moment, and then gets a sneaky look on her face. 

“Oh, fuck me,” Kelley mutters under her breath. Emily looks at her strangely, but then Alex is throwing things into her toiletry bag and not at all being quiet about it. 

“I,” she says, shooting Kelley a look, “am the best friend in the entire world. I hope you know that.”

“Alex - “ Kelley tries to stop her, but it’s useless. She’s a woman with a mission. 

“I’m going to Allie’s,” she announces. “I think she’s with Ashlyn. And you two are going to figure this out before it goes any further, because if either of you two fuck this up, I’m going to be pissed.”

“We’re not fucking anything up!” Kelley tries to say, but Alex is carrying her toiletry bag over to her purse, throwing it into her giant tote. 

“Right,” Alex says, shaking her head. “No, the two of you want to pretend to be girlfriends? No. Either do this or don’t. I have press stuff in the morning, so do whatever you want, I don’t care.”

Kelley looks at Emily who’s now red in the face but still remarkably calm, considering the circumstances. 

“Alex, it’s your room,” Emily says. “You don’t have to go anywhere.”

Alex is now packing up her phone charger and picking up a pair of shoes. 

“I’ll be out of your hair,” she says graciously, like she’s bestowing a giant favor upon them. “Do whatever it is you do, and I’ll be back tomorrow at some point. Kell, I’ll text you.”

“Don’t,” Kelley tells her. “You can lose my number.”

Alex just swipes her garment bag from the closet and looks at the two of them expectantly. 

“Will someone get the door for me?” she asks. “My hands are a little full.”

Kelley just gapes at her while Emily complies, showing her out the door, and as soon as it closes, she’s speaking as fast as she can. 

“Look, just ignore her,” Kelley says quickly. “All I wanted to do was hang out with you for a bit, maybe cuddle a little, and then go back to mine and sleep. That’s all we need to do.” 

Emily isn’t moving very far into the room, just walking slowly back towards the beds. 

“She kind of left us here, alone, for the night,” she says, as if Kelley isn’t fully aware. 

“I know, and she’s a dictator when she wants to be,” Kelley says, trying to excuse her best friend as best as she can. “But I’m not going to let her tell me what to do, and I’m definitely not about to let her dictate my sex life, okay? So don’t worry about it. We can just watch some tv and do what we planned, and worry about what we want, and not what she wants.”

The last thing she wants to do right now is move too fast or freak Emily out, and she truly doesn’t like the pressure Alex has put on the situation - it feels like a pressure cooker in the room, filling up with steam and looking for an outlet, but Kelley isn’t sure how to let it all out. She doesn’t want Emily to be mad or hurt or anything, but she’s standing there with an indecipherable expression on her face and it’s got Kelley a little nervous because she doesn’t know how to navigate this minefield. In the end though, she’s saved by Emily speaking up. 

“What about what I want?”

Kelley freezes, watching Emily come to stand in front of her, and Kelley worries that she fucked up beyond repair for the night. She worries that she’s going to have to go back to her room and try again tomorrow, that she’s going to have to start working on her apologies like she’s a speech writer trying to win a candidate the vote, that she won’t be able to salvage this and have a good night for the two of them the way she originally planned. 

“I can go,” Kelley offers, and she hates that she feels sheepish. “I didn’t mean to upset you, but hey, at least you’ve got the room to yourself.”

“I’m not upset,” Emily says, but she’s still red in the face and biting her bottom lip.

“Do you want to say goodnight?” Kelley asks, and she wishes she’d just kept her mouth shut and let Alex continue to make fun of the two of them - at least that way, she’d still be in bed with Emily pressed up next to her. 

“You’re so bothered by what she said,” Emily says in wonderment. “Why?”

“Because she was talking about you,” Kelley says. “That’s not okay.”

“Kelley, of course she’s talking about me,” Emily says, reaching out to twine their fingers together, and Kelley’s surprised to see her take initiative at a time like this. “I’m kind of trying to date her best friend.”

“I know,” Kelley says, and it’s difficult and frustrating to explain exactly how she’s feeling at the moment. “But now she’s put all this pressure on us, and I’d totally understand if you just wanted me to go back to my room.”

“Why would I want that?” Emily asks, a furrow forming between her brows. 

“Because now we feel like we have to do something,” Kelley says, and she doesn’t get how Emily isn’t getting this, how she isn’t feeling any or all of the pent up energy between the two of them, especially now since Alex has brought it to the forefront of their minds. 

“We don’t have to do anything we don’t want to,” Emily says, and it makes so much sense, and Kelley suddenly realizes why she’s so distressed. 

“But I want to,” Kelley says, feeling fully flustered. “I’m just trying to be like, mindful of you. And us. Alex shouldn’t put us on the spot like that.”

“Since when has Alex done what she should?” Emily says. “Also like, I don’t really know how to say this, but do you think I’m in this for a couple of naps and a kiss here and there?”

“No,” Kelley says, almost feeling stupid. She’s been shying away from the subject for Emily’s sake, but maybe also a little bit for her own too. She hasn’t known how to approach this - not that they’ve exactly had the opportunity so far. “No, I didn’t think that’s what this was.”

“So then what’s the problem?” Emily asks, and her hand is finding Kelley’s waist and pulling her close and this is new for Kelley, so new, and she might have been thinking about this in the back of her mind but now that she’s faced with the reality of it, she doesn’t know what she expected. One thing that she definitely wasn’t expecting was Emily kissing her, taking charge and pushing at Kelley’s hip in the direction of her bed. It’s good because everything with Emily is good - great, really - and she doesn’t bother to resist, not when Emily’s hips are close to hers, not when she’s being kissed in a way that makes her stomach flip, not when she suddenly feels like she’s sweating because she’s so overcome with the mere idea of it all. 

When Kelley breaks the kiss, just as she can tell that Emily’s gentle pressure on her side is trying to get her on the bed, she’s mildly disappointed to find Emily looking as composed as ever. There’s something guarded in the way she’s looking at Kelley’s face but not at her eyes, and Kelley wants her (how could she not? Kelley’s been wanting her for months now, back before she even realized it) but she needs to make sure that they know what they’re doing. 

She doesn’t want to have to come back from this - she only wants to go forward. 

“Alex is probably telling Allie as we speak,” Kelley warns her. “And Ashlyn too, and she’ll tell Ali, and - “

“I know,” Emily tells her, somewhat impatient but still calm. “I know, Kelley. Do we need to talk about how we couldn’t keep anything a secret, even if we wanted to?”

“It’s not that I want to keep it a secret,” Kelley says, and she feels awkward, like she doesn’t know what to do with her hands, like she expected Emily to be the one who was uncomfortable but she seems the complete opposite. “I mean, word travels fast.”

“So then why does it matter?” Emily asks. “If this is what we both want, what’s the problem? Why aren’t we doing this?” There’s a certain degree of sincerity to her voice that Kelley would previously have thought of as rare, but now sees that it’s there for her, and that’s all the assurance she needs for the time being. She doesn’t have a response for that, and now that she knows she no longer needs to protect Emily from the bad choices Kelley had been making for a while, it’s so easy to wrap her arms around Emily’s neck and just let it all go. 

It’s as easy as kissing her, and it isn’t weird at all. 

Whether Emily will ever admit it or not, there’s been a part of Kelley that’s been worried that this part of it all would force them to crash and burn. She’s been worried that despite all her wants, despite how she’d been feeling at the bar, despite how she feels every time they get close to each other no matter the context - Kelley’s been worried that they’d get this far and then discover how horribly, laughably awkward it was. Kelley doesn’t say it aloud (she’s too busy trying to figure out how to get them both on the bed without tearing their mouths away from each other) but she’s been worried that they would discover that it was all a terrible mistake and they’re better off as friends who just really like flirting with each other. 

There’s something about the way Emily goes firm with her, unyielding as she uses her knees to nudge Kelley down to the bed, that makes sense. She goes as directed and Kelley misses the feel of Emily’s mouth against hers, misses her body heat, but she moves so she’s not spread diagonally across the bed and then Emily is right there and it’s all okay. 

“I figure you might let us try, at the very least,” Emily says, and maybe the wall isn’t entirely gone, but the brightness is coming back and there’s a wicked smile that throws her, and Kelley doesn’t even care. She doesn’t care that Emily’s pushing her upper arm down into the mattress, her hands warm and bracing. Kelley doesn’t care that Emily doesn’t kiss her right away, instead just settling in and half-leaning over her. She doesn’t care that she can’t seem to get control of the situation, that she’s suddenly handing all of her power over to someone who’s never asked for it. 

Maybe that’s why she’s okay with this. Maybe she’s okay with letting herself be thrown by Emily’s sudden confidence as she slides her right leg between Kelley’s, knee digging into the mattress and making it dip just the slightest bit. Maybe Kelley is okay with this because sure, Emily’s attractive and hot and all these things that made Kelley want to kiss her to begin with, but she’s also aware that there’s a special type of intimacy involved with Emily showing Kelley how she wants this, and that makes Kelley want it to continue. 

She wants to see how Emily wants this. She wants to give her this opportunity and as Emily kisses her, she has no idea how it ended up like this, because it’s definitely not how she envisioned it, but she at least want to try it out. 

“Kell.”

Kelley hears her name as soon as Emily moves to kiss her jawline instead.

“Hm?”

Emily doesn’t look at her as she speaks. She just moves her hand off of Kelley’s arm to lower her elbow, lowering her so they’re right up against each other, and Kelley wonders if she’s imagining the intensity of their body heat. 

“Remember when you kind of jumped me when I was right out of the shower?”

Kelley doesn’t get a chance to respond - Emily’s too busy kissing her suddenly, and it’s a lot for Kelley to take. They’re no longer new to each other this way, they’ve kissed enough that Kelley knows how Emily prefers to kiss in short bursts and open up before pulling away and then starting over, but this is different. There’s a commitment to the kiss, something long and searching and Kelley get wrapped up into how it’s slower and makes her dizzy, unable to think about what Emily has asked and instead just letting the same words circle around her head over and over again. 

_ I want her.  _

The want is the same at its core, really, as it has been before. There’s a singular goal and Kelley’s felt this way before and it clicks in her head, the reason Emily asked the question she did: because her want is the same, too, as it’s been before. 

“I didn’t even think,” Kelley says when they stop, and Emily’s breathing heavy but evenly, and it’s so unfair how she can control it all whenever she wants to, Kelley thinks. “You were so tired and I just missed you, and I wasn’t even thinking.”

“That’s why I didn’t say anything,” Emily says. 

“But you wanted to,” Kelley tries to clarify. 

There’s a moment where Emily bites her lip and Kelley thinks she sees her slip, and she can’t imagine not wanting this. Her fingers tighten where they’re clinging to Emily on her side and she wishes Emily wasn’t half laying on her right arm, because she just wants to hold on for as long as it takes the both of them to realize it’s okay for them to be like this with each other. 

“Yeah,” Emily says, and there’s a certain degree of reluctance there, something that she doesn’t want to readily acknowledge, which almost seems strange considering how direct she’s been since Alex left. But then Kelley remembers how long it took her to admit to herself all the things she wanted with Emily, wanted from her, and maybe they’re different in that Emily has an easier time with processing her internal state than Kelley does, but that doesn’t mean they can’t meet in the same place. 

Kelley moves her hand, up Emily’s side to run over her shoulder and up her neck until she’s holding her face there, forcing them to look directly at each other. 

“Hi,” Kelley says, and it’s so easy to smile at her like this, especially once she smiles back. 

“Hi,” Emily says back. 

“If you don’t do anything, I’m going to make you explain to me in excruciating detail, every instance leading up to and following you deciding that you liked me,” Kelley tells her, dropping her hand to wrap around Emily’s waist. 

Emily rolls her eyes and pulls away, arm raising off the bed so her hand can find the hem of Kelley’s shirt. She’s got her mouth set in a way that Kelley knows means that she’s slightly uncomfortable, but it vanishes when she slides her fingers over Kelley’s bare skin, skimming up from the waistband of her shorts.

“Is that supposed to scare me?” she asks. 

“Maybe,” Kelley says, trying to look at Emily’s eyes, trying to find the things she wants to see. “I think it’s working.”

“No,” Emily says, shaking her head, and her touch is making Kelley’s insides flare warm. “It’s definitely not.”

“Well, you’re doing something,” Kelley points out, and Emily’s hand skirts over her stomach, her wrist flexing to push up her shirt as she goes, and Kelley arches her back slightly to help facilitate it. 

“Maybe I’m doing something because I want to,” Emily says, and there’s a low rumble to her voice that makes Kelley’s eyes close for a long second. It’s almost amused, but Emily isn’t about to try and laugh about this - Kelley knows that much. Regardless of whichever wall she’s got up for whatever reason, and as much as Kelley knows that no matter how right this feels there’s still room for nerves between them, she trusts that Emily is taking this seriously. 

There will be time for laughing later, but for now, Kelley doesn’t want to try and squash the confidence that Emily is trying so hard to hold on to, like it’s her life raft in the middle of all of this. 

“I want you to do everything you want to,” Kelley tells her, and it’s true. She’s spent long enough figuring out how to get Emily to come to her, trying to figure out how to get what she wants, and she knows she’s been perhaps a little cruel in her methods, but she doesn’t want Emily to do anything that she doesn’t wholeheartedly want to do all by herself. 

“I think you’re lucky,” Emily says, and Kelley looks at her with a questioning glance that’s met with a sort of irrefutable determination. 

“Why?” Kelley asks, and Emily’s fingers are still skating higher, still pushing her shirt higher. Kelley squirms, and Emily’s hand pauses, pressing her entire burning palm to the flat of Kelley’s stomach, reaching right towards the valley of her chest. 

“Because I want this,” Emily explains, as though it’s obvious, and maybe it is. 

Kelley lifts up to kiss her and Emily accepts, except it’s lazy kissing because she’s too busy with Kelley’s shirt, her hand covering all the skin it can reach while managing to make it seem as though she’s not avoiding her breasts, even though that’s exactly what she ends up doing. It’s lazy but it’s hot, and Kelley’s got no idea how Emily seems to be keeping her head about her because she’s too busy breathing hard to even try and entertain the idea of doing so herself - not that she would want to. 

“You’re crazy,” Kelley pants out, and Emily just swallows her words, kissing her fully and it’s so good that Kelley wants to scream because she never in a million years thought this would work as well as it has so far. By the time Emily finally covers Kelley’s left breast, Kelley’s got a leg bent and halfway to hooking itself around Emily’s waist, and every little move the two of them make seems to propel them both further. It’s no surprise - Kelley knows they can get competitive, and she’s no stranger to egging Emily on - but she still relishes every moment that she’s reminded of the fact that they’re doing this, that they’re both into this, that it’s actually happening and it’s better than her wildest dreams. 

From the moment Emily touches her, hand softly cupping her breast and moving with purpose, it seems to lead them down a road where everything feels reactive and electric and natural and Kelley doesn’t think it takes a lot of effort at all, giving into Emily in a way she never thought she would. When she pulls at a nipple, it’s deliberate and measured and Kelley groans achingly into Emily’s mouth, and it’s a shame that they’re both clothed because all she wants is more skin pressed up against hers. The truth is though, that as much as she’s mentally given into Emily so far, she can still manage that alongside what she wants. 

“I want this off,” Kelley says into Emily’s mouth, and Emily bows away just a bit with minimal hesitation. Kelley’s tugging at Emily’s shirt, and even though she’s been loosely holding on to the material for a fair amount of time at this point, she doesn’t understand why she hasn’t tried to get it off any sooner. Because in no time at all, Emily is sitting back on her heels by Kelley’s knees - Kelley feels cold but in the best way, goosebumps spiking along her exposed front, and she feels the way Emily’s eyes rove over her from the new vantage point, drinking her in and Kelley feels  _ good _ about that - and reaching for her shirt, and it’s gone in one surprisingly smooth motion that leaves Kelley wondering if she’s ever really  _ seen  _ her before. 

Because rationally she knows that she has, but it’s never hit her like this. 

Emily just stays there upright and they look at each other, and Kelley swallows while feeling like it’s the most pronounced action she’s taken all day. They don’t say anything because they’re both just looking, eyes occasionally flickering back to meet each other, and then Kelley is pushing up onto her elbows because as much as she wants to let Emily do whatever she has to do to be comfortable here, she can’t continue to let this drag on as slow as it has been. She’s got to speed this up in any way that she can, in any way she can think of that doesn’t seem like it will set Emily off.

It hasn’t even been that slow, but Kelley is definitely the more impatient one in the room. It’s hardly sexy at all, the way she shimmies out of her shirt while mostly laying down, but it’s worth the way Emily’s clears her throat and shifts unsteadily over Kelley’s right knee, almost like she’s lost her balance for a second. Kelley sends out a quick thanks to the universe for these circumstances - the pajamas, the lack of bras, the thin cotton bottoms, the casual intimacy that can occupy the spaces between people before bed, and, last and most certainly least (in Kelley’s mind, anyway), Alex taking it upon herself to make sure they had the space for this. 

“Do you know how hot you are?” Kelley asks Emily, because it’s at the forefront of her mind and she wants to do whatever it takes to give back Emily some semblance of control. Because honestly, the way Emily’s biting her lip and turning red in the warm glow from the wall-mounted lamps doesn’t exactly leave much room for questioning exactly how affected she is right now. It’s thrilling, knowing that she can do this to her (because she’s always kind of hoped, and sometimes kind of believed), and if Kelley wasn’t so affected herself, she’d be figuring out ways to pin Emily to the bed and force her to confront every ounce of vulnerability she’s refused to acknowledge. 

But Kelley is affected - her nipples are cold in the air conditioning and everything feels hot on the inside and the contrast is heightening. She’s waiting for Emily’s response and waiting for Emily to relax, to give them both what they’re here for, and she almost feels bad for feeding off the sexual tension still present between them and allowing it to propel her forward until her hands are on Emily’s hips. Emily leans into her touch, so Kelley can grip her properly and not just brush her fingers against skin and fabric, and then finally speaks. 

“You think this is hot?” she asks, and her eyebrows are raised in a way that feels more challenging than doubtful. 

“Yeah,” Kelley says, and she’s grabbing at Emily’s waistband, trying to lower it as much as she can without moving positions entirely. Emily’s legs are spread wide and Kelley takes that in for a moment and it’s almost too much, making it hard to continue, “What’s not to find hot?”

“I thought you were the one who wasn’t even sure you wanted to do this,” Emily says, inviting Kelley to rise to the occasion. 

“Doesn’t mean I didn’t want it to happen,” Kelley tells her. “The circumstances are questionable at best, sure. But do you really think I didn’t want this?”

Emily practically jumps forward, leaning in close until they’re staring into each other’s eyes and Kelley doesn’t know how she wound up with Emily’s hands pressing her wrists into the bed, bare chests right up against each other, but it makes her pulse quicken and her brain short circuit. 

“You wanted this.”

It’s not phrased like a question and the raspy quality of her voice doesn’t make it one, but Kelley thinks she’s beginning to understand Emily’s insecurities over the past month or two well enough to know what she’s really asking for. 

“Of course I did,” Kelley says, maintaining eye contact as Emily lets go of one hand and finds Kelley’s waist, her hips, even slipping under her to briefly press hot touches into the small of her back before moving on. There’s something arousing in the transience of her motions, something that makes Kelley okay with the fact that she can’t be bothered to fixate on one area at a time. “Did you think I didn’t? Did you think I wanted you dancing with me in that bar because I didn’t want this? God, I’ve wanted this, I’ve wanted  _ you.” _

Something she says must do something, because then Emily is kissing her collarbones and there’s something so authentic and uncalculated about the way she does things, like she doesn’t even think about it as she drags her mouth along. Kelley is almost afraid to breathe too much, afraid to do something that halts or interrupts this, and she just watches while Emily moves down and she’s never been so still in her life, she’s sure of it, but it’s so worth it. It’s worth it when Emily trails a maze of kisses over the valleys and peaks of her chest, occasionally pausing to suck a nipple into her mouth and Kelley doesn’t know how she manages to keep from reacting but she does, just watching and letting Emily go while feeling like they’re both slowly being deconstructed from the inside out. 

“Kell,” Emily says, digging her chin into the middle of her stomach. 

“Yeah?” Kelley grinds out, trying so hard not to moan as Emily’s right hand starts playing with the waist of her shorts. 

“You can talk to me, you know,” Emily says, and Kelley wonders if maybe she’s been reading this wrong, if Emily’s confidence goes deeper than it seems, but then her fingers falter slightly, and Kelley can just tell. “I don’t expect you to act like I can do no wrong over here.”

It’s offhand, hidden in the throaty turn Emily’s tone has taken, but Kelley can just tell and it makes her heart swell, her thighs ache, and her mouth fall open in an effort at contemplation that she can’t really follow through in this state. 

“I think you could do just about anything to me and I’d love it,” Kelley tells her. 

Emily doesn’t look away and Kelley feels like that means something, especially as she shifts her head to softly kiss the skin below Kelley’s right breast, the muscles in her neck tensing as she does. 

“I mean it,” Emily says, and it’s so unusually quiet for her. 

“I’ll tell you,” Kelley says, but she meant what she said previously. Emily looks so good, hair falling out of her bun from all the moving they’ve been doing, and Kelley lets herself not think too hard as she reaches to tuck some of it behind her ear. “Just keep doing what you want, because that’s all I want.”

It’s just like Emily to keep doing things in bursts with periods of pulling back in between, and now it’s time for her to throttle ahead and she’s moving up and kissing Kelley, licking into her mouth with a sort of excellent ferocity and then her hand is between Kelley’s legs, rubbing her through her shorts, and Kelley will put up with Emily’s boundaries for as long as she needs to, but she’s so torn about what to do. She wants to rock her hips up into Emily’s hand and moan into their kiss, but she’s worked too hard at this to do anything to go backwards, and she thinks of Emily talking to her, asking her what she wants, and turns her head to the side. 

She’s gasping and Emily is taking her shorts and underwear off, a fast and smooth slide down Kelley’s legs, and once they’re gone Emily fully settles between her hips for the first time and it’s overwhelming, heavy in a way that grounds her. 

“God, I don’t want to be too much,” Kelley says, and it feels like she’s babbling as Emily leans in and kisses her neck. “I don’t want to be too much for you, because I want you so bad and I’ll do whatever you need to keep you here.”

Emily opens her mouth, the flat of her teeth briefly resting against the delicate skin there before biting quickly, almost playfully; nothing that will leave a mark, but it makes Kelley shudder and close her eyes while her hands make their way to Emily’s shoulders. She grips tightly, framing them and trying not to dig her nails in, but she finally,  _ finally  _ has every last bit of Emily’s attention focused on her and it’s not about to be diverted anywhere and it makes her wildly happy, so much so that she doesn’t know how to contain it. It’s everything she’s been searching for from her and more, and Kelley tries to rock up but there’s no friction and it’s like something akin to torture. 

“You’re not too much for me,” Emily exhales, a reassurance that comes along with her hand traveling down Kelley’s front until she’s right there, right between her legs in a way that feels both exploratory and purposeful. 

“Are you sure?” Kelley asks, teetering on the edge of a complete loss of control that she didn’t anticipate happening tonight, even after they’d both come to terms with what they were trying to do. “Because I know I ask for so much from you - “

A deep kiss shuts her up, and Kelley fully moans into it as Emily’s fingers stroke through her. 

“Kelley,” Emily says softly, and she’s so honest and open like this, and Kelley doesn’t know how they got here, but she never wants to leave this place where it’s just the two of them being real with each other. “I only give you what you ask for because I want to.”

And Kelley believes her, as she slides a finger inside and Kelley can’t even begin to comprehend the why and how, but she just knows that she’s okay with this, even if it’s vaguely different from what she’s used to. She’d started off doing this for Emily, mostly, wanting to accommodate her, but now this is what she wants too: to let them both feel like the scales aren’t tipped one way or the other, like they’re on even ground, like nothing is unbalanced anymore. 

It all feels equal.

There’s one finger and then two and Emily’s too good, and she doesn’t know how Emily can keep looking at her like this, because she’s aware that she’s being stared at but she can’t manage to stare back, as much as she loves Emily’s eyes. She doesn’t mind being watched but she does tilt her head back and do her best to stay in the moment - it’s never been hard for her, and she’s rapidly forgetting any reason to think about anything but how good it all feels, but she’s been trying so hard to take care of Emily’s emotions that it’s nearly second nature now. Emily seems fine, kissing the corner of her mouth and Kelley’s chest seizes, but then Emily’s wiggling down and Kelley’s too wrought with anticipation as there’s a brief pause in it all.

The pause lasts maybe a second. It lasts long enough for Emily to readjust her body but in no time at all she’s laying weighted kisses onto Kelley’s hip, open-mouthed and tongue-heavy and her fingers return to their rhythm. Kelley reaches down a hand and Emily seems to understand, offering up her free hand for Kelley to squeeze and hold onto. From there there’s no more bursting back and forth, just a constant building and there’s nothing particularly extraordinary about it except for the fact that it’s all extraordinary, even when it doesn’t seem like it should be. Maybe it’s because it’s Emily, with a serene look on her face even as she bites her lip and lets her tongue poke out of the corner of her mouth when she takes a moment to breathe, forcing Kelley to look down. She’s all steady moving and flushed cheeks and bright eyes and an in-sync thumb exactly where it needs to be, and the last thing Kelley thinks is that she can’t wait until it’s her turn to do this. 

She can’t wait to make Emily feel the way she feels as she crashes, drinking it in like she’s found an oasis in a desert, legs tensing then stretching and she thinks she might be saying something, but Emily must find it unintelligible as she doesn’t respond. Their joined hands squeeze as Kelley leisurely falls back down, but then separate so Kelley can wipe the sweat-damp strands of hair up and off Emily’s forehead. Emily’s hand slows down until it carefully withdraws and Kelley wants to say something smart about the way Emily wipes her fingers on the inside of her thigh, but the words never come to her brain, an attempt abandoned as Emily easily stretches back up, smacking a kiss to Kelley’s cheek and wearing a satisfied but still somehow utterly unassuming look on her face. 

“Hi,” Emily says, leaning on her left elbow, grinning so modestly that Kelley almost wonders if she’d imagined the entire thing, if Emily is even aware of what she’s done. 

“Hi,” Kelley says, and it’s a bit of a croak but she doesn’t care, nudging her way into a kiss that does nothing to quiet the internal debate she’s having about whether to initiate reciprocation or just repeat everything they’ve done so far. 

“That wasn’t weird.”

It’s another statement that Kelley sees for the question it is. 

“No,” she says, because it wasn’t, not in the slightest. If anything, it feels like something they should have been doing ages ago. She can’t believe that this is what she’s been missing out on - Emily’s quiet confidence, the blooming feeling between them, her own ability to care so much during something she’s never had to think about very much before - and yet knows that if they’d done this any sooner, it wouldn’t be anything like it is. “No, this wasn’t weird.”

Emily collapses on her chest and it’s like another piece she’s fit into the bigger picture of the two of them. Kelley doesn’t think Emily has ever let herself lean on her like this (the only time that comes close is the time in Emily’s bedroom after her shower), and she looks down at her face with admiration - her eyes are closed and she’s breathing evenly, just as evenly as she’s been breathing through most of this, and she’s not asleep but she’s so relaxed. It’s beautiful to see her like this with her back exposed, rising and falling, and Kelley’s reminded of something from not so long ago, from a time when things had been very different. She sweeps a hand over the bare skin, mapping out her spine and the muscles that venture out from there, until she’s rubbing harder and digging into the knots at the base of her neck. 

“You can’t fall asleep,” Kelley says when Emily nuzzles her face into Kelley’s chest. “You’re supposed to have better stamina than that.”

“I won’t,” Emily says, her voice a little muffled. “Just let me enjoy this for a bit.”

It sends a twinge of affection straight to Kelley’s heart, and she doesn’t miss the way that Emily doesn’t play into the teasing with her, taking note. 

“Okay,” Kelley says. “Just for a bit.”

A smile turns up the corner of Emily’s mouth that Kelley can see, and she thinks that she’d let them stay like this forever if it was what Emily really wanted. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> desired pov changes are what determines where these chapters end.


	6. six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is only ~17k but that should make it easier to consume in one sitting

“I might have to pee.”

Emily chuckles against the rise of Kelley’s breast as she feels a hand push at her shoulder. 

“Of course you do,” she says, and the last thing she wants is for either of them to move because she’s too comfortable and it seems like too much of an effort. It feels like she’s run a marathon for the first time, and she wonders if this is what a runners high feels like. There’s something about making someone experience such a unique pleasure that is exhilarating, something wonderful about watching Kelley allow her to break down one of the few remaining barriers between them, that keeps Emily from moving immediately, even as Kelley pushes again. 

“I’m serious,” Kelley says, and Emily doesn’t doubt her. She just groans in response, and there’s no room to roll back over unless she wants to fall off the bed, so she instead rolls forward, over the length of Kelley’s body until she’s finally on the other side, on her back, very aware of the fact that she’s partially exposed. But then Kelley gets up and she doesn’t seem to care that she’s naked at all, and Emily just angles her head so she can watch as Kelley moves. 

She surprises Emily by circling over to the other side of the bed, looking down at her. 

“I don’t want to go alone,” Kelley says. 

“Do you need a chaperone?” Emily asks. “Should I call Alex back?”

Kelley pouts and tweaks one of Emily’s nipples - not hard, but Emily still automatically reaches up a hand to protect herself. 

“Ow,” she says even though it doesn’t hurt at all, and Kelley reaches for her bent elbow, coaxing her off the bed. “You didn’t have to do that, you know.”

“You didn’t seem like you were coming,” Kelley says, and now she’s grinning, her pout purely for show.

“Why do I need to?” Emily asks, but Kelley doesn’t seem to have an answer other than wanting Emily to sit on the edge of the tub as she pees. 

“Is this not weird?” Emily wonders out loud, and it’s easy to focus on Kelley’s face, her tongue caught between her teeth. 

“Only if we make it weird,” Kelley says, and there’s something so fond in the look she shoots Emily before standing and flushing, that it takes Emily a moment to get up and follow. “I mean, I don’t want to make things uncomfortable.”

“I don’t want things to be uncomfortable,” Emily says. 

“What do you mean?”

Emily waits until Kelley’s washed her hands and is drying them until she pushes her to the side with a brief touch to her hip, because her right hand has gone from slick to sticky to stiff and she might as well rinse her fingers while presented with the opportunity. It’s only while the water runs that she speaks, once she’s thought about how she wants things to be between them. It’s still scary to be honest like this with Kelley, even though she’s no longer sending out mixed signals and Emily no longer feels like she has to hold back. Retraining herself isn’t easy, but she wants to teach herself how to stop running from Kelley and this new thing between them. 

“I want to learn to be comfortable with each other,” Emily tries to explain, hoping that Kelley understands. “Like, even if something feels a little weird, I want to get over it. Because I thought it would be weird with you, but it isn’t.”

“We have to stop using the word ‘weird,’” Kelley tells her, the two of them looking at each other in the mirror hanging above the sink. “It’s starting not to even feel like a word anymore.”

“Okay,” Emily says, turning off the tap and taking the hand towel that Kelley hands her. “Fair.”

“This feels right,” Kelley says, and it’s so genuine that Emily finds herself believing it without question, but that could be because it feels right to her too. “Is that too cliche?”

“Probably,” Emily says, and Kelley looks like she’s on the verge of another pout, but Emily isn’t about to deal with that again, so she grabs Kelley and plants a quieting kiss right on her mouth. 

She only intends for it to be something cheeky, something that makes them both grin and leaves them looking at each other softly, but Kelley seemingly has other ideas as she circles Emily’s waist with her arms, and Emily would be lying if she said that she doesn’t want Kelley’s hands all over her, but there’s still some degree of nervousness that comes along with opening up to her in that way. As much as she wants to try, she can still feel herself tense as Kelley reaches for her backside, reeling her in as close as she can get. 

“You need to relax,” Kelley tells her. 

“I am relaxed,” Emily says, because maybe she isn’t totally, but she thinks that five minutes ago she was the most relaxed she’s ever been in Kelley’s presence. 

“Don’t shut me out,” Kelley says, and it’s too tender, and if she’d said anything similar before Alex had left the room, Emily would have wanted to turn her face away and hide how her cheeks start to burn. As it is, she’s gathering strength from everything they’ve shared so far and accepting Kelley’s words for what they are - a desire to keep them close to each other in every which way. “I just want to be here with you, you know. I don’t care how it happens. You can make me come a million times, I won’t complain.”

“I’d hope not,” Emily says, and Kelley rolls her eyes before pinching Emily’s ass cheek. 

“You know what I mean,” she says. “Right?”

“Kind of,” Emily says, ignoring the part of her that wants to pretend as though she completely gets it, just so they don’t have to have a conversation about it. “Like, I’m not going anywhere right now, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“I’m not,” Kelley says, “I’m not worried.”

“Then what is it?”

Kelley sighs and it’s not exactly like her to take long to get her thoughts out, but the several seconds that pass by before she does seem to stretch on for an agonizingly long amount of time. 

“I want you,” she says.

“So you’ve said,” Emily says, and it’s sweet and hot but she’s confused. “I’m here, Kelley. I’m topless and I’m here, with you.”

“I want you,” Kelley repeats, and this time she pulls a hand between them, reaching to cover the space under Emily’s left collarbone. “I want  _ this.” _

Emily bites her lip and does her best not to smile too wide, not wanting to give away too much, but she reaches for Kelley’s hand and leans back a touch, just enough to reposition Kelley’s palm. 

“I think it’s more here,” she corrects her, and she’s pretty much helping Kelley feel her up right now, fingers spreading out from where her heart is beating rapidly. 

“You know what I mean,” Kelley says again, and Emily lets herself smile fully this time. 

It’s a little wild, she thinks, how Kelley can make her feel so many things, now that she’s working on letting herself feel all of those things. Kelley pushes herself onto Emily in so many different ways and Emily’s doing her best to try and ease into it, especially as Kelley’s reaching back around her again, shoving at her waistband until she’s gripping skin and it’s almost too much, especially when Kelley’s mouth finds a sensitive spot under her ear. 

“Kelley,” Emily says, and she’s not sure why she keeps saying it, because she’s never had a problem getting Kelley’s attention, but it feels important to keep doing it, to let Kelley know that she wants it. “Kell, what are you doing?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Kelley asks, and it is, but there’s still something that makes it hard for her to process. 

“I wanted to taste you first,” Emily says, but then Kelley’s got her bottoms down past her hips and it’s instinct for Emily to kick them off with her feet, and Kelley has to back off for a moment but it’s worth the way she’s suddenly taking her in, eyes traveling from head to toe. 

“Yeah, we can do that later,” Kelley says, and Emily can feel herself blushing and she hates it. It’s just because it’s Kelley, Emily knows that, she’s got no reason to feel unsure or self conscious, but Kelley is  _ important  _ and they’ve been doing so well since patching things up between them that she’s scared to mess with it, scared to lose control the way she had back in Utah when everything had gone to shit. 

“Or we can do it now,” Emily says, and now that she knows that this is okay, that she can touch Kelley and be good at it, can let herself just go with something instead of thinking it through so hard, she just wants to stick with it. 

“Okay,” Kelley says, but the disappointment on her face isn’t very well hidden. 

“What’s wrong with that?” Emily asks, and she’s pushing her thumbs into Kelley’s hips. She’s all faint tan lines and fading freckles and focusing on it helps Emily’s mind slow down, slow down enough so that she can really listen to Kelley and stop thinking about how she just wants to run this show so she can avoid showing exactly how long she’s thought about this. Because she’ll never admit it, no matter how many times or ways Kelley tries to threaten it out of her, but she’s been curious and fought so hard to keep her eyes from lingering over the years and now, now that’s she’s got unrestricted access to the very thing that she’s been keeping herself from dreaming of, she doesn’t know how to handle it. 

“I want all of you,” Kelley says, and maybe it’s the first time she’s worded it like that (Emily can’t be too sure, they’ve done an awful lot of talking lately and she’s not the best at remembering every little thing that’s been said), but it’s just another weight gone that Emily hadn’t even been fully aware she was carrying. It’s almost funny, she thinks, fingers digging into the part of Kelley’s side where her hips turn into her ass, desperately trying to ground herself, that so many moments they spend together can be full of peeling back layers of each other, and they she still doesn’t feel like they’re done doing that. As well as they know each other, there’s so much uncharted territory left to claim. 

Emily is used to feeling grounded, and as she breathes while allowing Kelley to look at her straight on, she can feel herself gradually finding that stabilizing force within her again. There might be something about how Kelley seems to wordlessly communicate that she understands, that she’d truly let Emily make her come a billion times if that’s what she really wanted. Perhaps it’s that understanding, the way Kelley had so easily laid herself open for Emily while balancing that delicate push and pull in the bed before, that lets this be easier than she thought it would be. Perhaps it’s the way Kelley seems so ready to let it be about her again, and keep it from being about Emily, and keep it all in Emily’s safe space. Perhaps it’s about Kelley putting her hand on Emily’s heart - or trying to, at least - while either not noticing or not mentioning the way it’s practically jumping out of her chest. 

Whatever it is, and Emily’s sure there are a million reasons why she’s okay with this happening and she’s sure she’ll be able to sort through them to a greater extent at a later date and time, she’s currently feeling secure enough to let Kelley do this. She feels in control enough now that she’s seen the way it’s possible to lose control and be vulnerable and still be okay, and not have everything tip one way or the other. 

She could think on it for longer, but she doesn’t want to. She can do that another time. 

For now, she doesn’t feel out of control, not even as Kelley joins their hands together and takes them back to bed. Emily admires the view as she goes, and as much as she rethinks wanting to lay Kelley out on the bed and press kisses down every knob of her spine, she tells herself that that can wait until later. She’ll have a chance to do that, and there’s no reason to abandon her patience just to keep the spotlight off of herself. 

Kelley moves in a way that seems restrained, and Emily appreciates it; moves with a sort of deliberation that is somewhat out of character but clearly employed to keep Emily comfortable. She sits on the bottom edge of the bed and Emily stands in front of her, their fingers wound still, and unsure of what to do here, sure of what’s about to happen but unsure of how. When Kelley fits a hand around the back of her neck, pulling her down for a kiss, Emily goes without protest because this is something she’s okay with: leaning over Kelley, giving them something that they both want, and maybe this kiss is deeper than Emily thought it would be, but it’s still steadying. She’s not sure how Kelley does it, because she manages to make it all feel like Emily’s idea and not as if she’s just going along with it. Her hands balance lightly on Kelley’s shoulders, and she can tell that she can’t keep up standing like this for long, but for now it works just fine.

“You asked me what I wanted, earlier,” Kelley murmurs against Emily’s bottom lip, and she can only nod in response. “Can I take these off?”

She’s pulling at her underwear, fingers smoothing under the waist of them, and her touch feels so good that Emily is nodding before she can think about it. 

“Yeah,” she says, and Kelley’s peeling them off of her in no time at all. “I don’t want you to feel like you need my permission for every little thing.”

“I just want to do this right,” Kelley explains, and Emily shakes her head while standing upright. 

“Don’t,” she says, and Kelley pauses with Emily’s underwear halfway down her thighs, looking up. “I’m okay, okay?”

“I care about this,” Kelley says. “I care about you. I just want to make sure that you know that.”

“And I do,” Emily says, and rather than unsettling her, rather than feeling an urge to run away and protect herself, she feels like it’s okay to let Kelley help her. “Would I be here if I didn’t?”

“You seem like you could freak out at any second,” Kelley says, and she’s dragging her fingertips up and down Emily’s thighs, pushing fabric further down with every pass. 

“I’m trying not to,” Emily says, and the honesty makes her throat constrict, but in a good way. “Because I really do want this.”

“Then can you tell me what you want?” Kelley asks. “Because I’ve kind of already fucked up, multiple times with you, and I really don’t want to do it again.”

Emily steps out of her underwear one leg at a time, hands on Kelley’s shoulders for balance, and once they’re gone, she lifts a leg to press a knee into the bed and sort of straddle Kelley’s lap. It’s a bit of a daring move, opening her up in a way that she instinctively wants to resist, but this is  _ Kelley,  _ she tells herself, and it’s okay. Their faces are too close together and trying to focus on Kelley’s eyes is making her head hurt, so she just goes in for a kiss and lets her hands wander up and down Kelley’s back. 

It’s a fight between control and a loss of it, and Kelley leads her along that line so well. 

Kelley is tentative when she first moves and Emily kind of hates it, hates that Kelley’s hands try to guide her hips to rock down into her and even though she gets her point across, Emily knows that this is only a fraction of what Kelley has to give. 

“Don’t hold back because of me,” Emily says, pulling away so she can press a kiss to Kelley’s temple. “I didn’t hold back on you.”

“But we’re not the same,” Kelley says. 

“Stop worrying about me,” Emily tells her, and something about telling her this, about forcing Kelley to believe that this will be okay, helps to further solidify the equilibrium between them. She takes it upon herself to move her hips into Kelley, and it feels good - so good, everything they’ve done feels good - but that’s not the only thing that keeps her doing it. “Come on, Kell. Trust me when I tell you I’ll be okay.”

Kelley exhales against Emily’s neck, tucking her head into the junction between there and her shoulder and pulling Emily’s hips against hers. There’s so much skin, too much skin, and Kelley holds on a little tighter now, fingers rough and nearly bruising and Emily’s almost got too much leverage from where she is, pushing back just as much as Kelley does. There’s not enough to really do much for her; it feels good and she doesn’t want to stop, and it’s a plateau but it’s the most beautiful plateau she’s ever experienced and Emily wonders if that’s simply because it’s Kelley that she’s exploring it with. 

But then Kelley’s kissing and making these breathless noises, and Emily loves how quickly Kelley seems to lose it. She wears it well, throwing herself into it as she’s apt to do with many things, and it does things to Emily, making her want to speed ahead so she can catch up. It’s how she’d been so sure earlier, forcing them forward, long after the first hints of insecurities began creeping over her, and it serves the same purpose now. Emily is pretty sure that she can gauge Kelley’s level of enthusiasm regardless of whether she’s holding back or not, and while she’s not trying to minimize the instances where Kelley’s tried to prioritize Emily’s wants over her own, she thinks that she prefers these moments. 

Emily prefers these moments where Kelley is putting it all out there, and even though that’s a scary thing to admit, she prefers it because it makes it feel like it’s okay for her to do the same. Because when Kelley starts moving her hands in a path that reaches around Emily’s front and to her chest, she lets out a long and slow exhale. 

“Kell,” she says, and she knows she keeps saying it but she can’t stop. 

“Yeah?” Kelley asks, now mouthing at her neck, and it’s nothing that would leave behind a mark, but it’s enough that Emily tilts her head to the side to lean into it. 

“Give me your hand.”

She does her best to be quietly demanding so that Kelley listens without thinking, without stopping entirely, and it works as she takes Kelley’s right hand in hers. It takes a bit of maneuvering, Emily adjusting her stance to make room between their bodies while Kelley moves back and away from her neck, but it doesn’t take long for Kelley to understand what she’s getting at as their hands travel down. Once they’re tucked between Emily’s thighs, there’s a pause and some prolonged eye contact, and Emily tries so hard to keep calm as Kelley licks her lips and just presses their joined fingers against the wetness there. 

“Wow,” Kelley says, and Emily’s seen a lot of things from her lately, but speechless and with stars in her eyes hasn’t been one of them. 

“What?” Emily asks, and when she glances down between them, she can practically see the rise and fall of her heart, pounding away without any regard for the little bit of composure she’s been trying to preserve. “Is this okay?”

“Um, yeah,” Kelley says as though it’s obvious. “You really have no idea how good you look right now, do you?”

Emily’s teeth dig into her bottom lip because Kelley’s words feel like too much and their joint touch feels like too much. She hopes Kelley doesn’t find it strange that she can’t tear her eyes away from her face, watching the sheer awe cross over her features, because she’s enjoying this much more than she thought she would. As nervous as she thought she would be about Kelley focusing on her, this feels entirely different from her expectations in the best way. 

“I don’t know what this is like for you,” Emily says, because it feels like the most honest thing her mind lands on. “I know how I feel, but I don’t know what you’re thinking.”

“I’m thinking,” Kelley says slowly, moving her fingers, flexing them with a sort of unrefined pressure that has Emily grinding against it all, “that we can keep talking if you want, but I’d also like to see how you look with me inside of you.”

“Fuck,” Emily curses, and the word scrapes against the back of her throat before coming out lowly. “Okay, come here.”

Kelley is already there, as close as they can be while still having room to move, but Emily helps position Kelley’s fingers right where she wants them. There’s not much talking about it, just Kelley following Emily’s lead and somehow it doesn’t feel like either one of them is truly taking the lead as they steal kisses from each other, short ones that are hindered by gasping breaths and a lack of focus. It’s hazy and Emily isn’t sure she anticipated ever getting here with Kelley, isn’t sure she could have ever guessed that the two of them would be here, with Kelley now firm and unrelenting, and Emily’s hips circling against their fingers until she’s feeling so much, so much that all she wants is more so she can keep feeling this way. 

When Emily pulls her own fingers away, she doesn’t even think before winding them in Kelley’s hair, tangling in the strands and holding on just as a way to release some of the tension she’s feeling. 

“You know,” Kelley gets out, her voice getting more and more torn up the longer they go at it, “ever since you said it, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about getting my mouth on you.”

“I meant it the other way,” Emily says, all strained and strung taut. 

“I know,” Kelley says, and she finally fits the tips of her fingers inside and Emily can’t stop her immediate reaction - she throws her head back and moans and it might be too loud, but the way she sinks down to Kelley’s knuckles in one motion is more than she was ready for. “Doesn’t mean I can’t want it too.”

“Next time,” Emily pants out, and Kelley’s using her left hand to guide her hips, to guide Emily into fucking herself onto her willing, cooperative fingers. 

“Don’t make me wait too long,” Kelley says, and Emily just shakes her head and goes, working with Kelley instead of against her, and she gets so lost in it that she isn’t sure how long it takes - it could be mere second or hours until she’s crumbling, falling onto Kelley and crushing them to the bed, fingers still knotted in Kelley’s hair and she vaguely registers Kelley moving under her until she feels strong arms encircling her. 

“We’re going to need showers,” Emily says, and she’s trying so hard not to feel sleepy, but it’s hard when she’s so content. No matter how difficult it’s been, she feels like she’s ran a new personal best and it’s incredibly satisfying, seeing what she’s overcome to get to where she is. She’d been so ready to do this, to let them conquer this, but she hadn’t thought it would be so rewarding to let Kelley in the way she did. 

“I know,” Kelley says. “I know where your hands have been.”

They both laugh and it feels a little unsure, like they’re still trying to find what’s appropriate in this particular situation, but Emily isn’t too picky - she trusts that they’ll figure out this new dynamic all in due time. As much as they love joking around and teasing each other, Emily can’t help feeling like this is too precious to crack right now, and Kelley seems to get that. 

“How do I look?” Emily asks, unwinding her hand from Kelley’s hair and lifting up on her elbows. When she looks down at Kelley, she’s met with a beautiful smile and heavy eyelids. 

“Gorgeous,” Kelley says, and it could be an exaggeration, but Emily thinks that maybe she could mean it. 

“You might actually owe Alex a thank you,” Emily says, mostly because she knows it’s the last thing Kelley wants to hear.

“That’s real funny,” Kelley says sourly, and Emily readjusts and pulls at Kelley’s limbs until she gets them both where she wants them, on their sides and facing each other. “That’s exactly what I want to hear right now.”

“I’m serious,” Emily tells her, and they’re both smiling stupidly. “She really did us a solid.”

“Did you have a good time then?” Kelley asks, and there’s a cockiness there, so subtle that Emily doesn’t see it at first. 

“Of course,” she says, and she means it. “Did it seem like I didn’t?”

“I just want to make sure,” Kelley says, “because I was doing the best I could to make sure that I measured up to everything you thought it would be.”

Emily blushes hard and it’s a bit of an abrasive remark, and her knee-jerk reaction is to turn away from Kelley’s open stare so she can downplay the truth (which is that maybe she’s kind of put thought into what this would be like, but she’d mostly been too caught up on the who to think too much about the how, and she’ll never admit any of it), but she figures that there’s no point in running from how she really feels anymore. At least not now, not while it might cheapen what they’ve just been through. So instead she just relaxes into it, smiling at Kelley and welcoming the emotions that have been hovering around her. 

“Of course it was,” she tells Kelley, who inches closer until not a whisper of air could pass between them. It’s still taking some getting used to, being with her like this, but now that she’s done it once, Emily feels like she can handle it. As much as there is left to do, and as long as it might take them to figure out exactly what makes the other one tick, she feels like at least they’ve taken the first step here and it hasn’t all crashed and burned, and that’s something to hold on to.

“Awesome,” Kelley is saying, and now she’s smirking instead of smiling, and Emily is seriously regretting any positive words of encouragement she may have let loose at any point during their time together. “You know how I feel about anything less than first place.”

Emily rolls her eyes and pinches at Kelley’s side. 

“You’re going to be annoying about this, aren’t you?” she says rhetorically. 

“How is it annoying to want to be the best you’ve ever had?” Kelley says, and she’s pouting, and Emily is resolving to never fall for this again. 

“I’m going to shower,” she says, and she kisses Kelley because it’s her new favorite thing to do, and Kelley tries to hold onto her to keep them in bed together, but she determinedly pries her fingers away and goes out to the bathroom. Her reflection in the mirror isn’t exactly unrecognizable but it is different, and not just because her hair is such a mess that it takes a good minute or two to untangle it from her ponytail. There’s something about the pink to her face that she doesn’t hate, and she’s brushing her teeth while waiting for the shower to warm up when Kelley appears in all her naked glory. 

“I call the shampoo first,” Kelley says, kissing Emily’s shoulder blade. “You made my hair gross.”

Emily exclaims the best she can with a mouth full of foamy toothpaste, but Kelley is just smirking some more and stealing a towel for herself. She hurries to spit and rinse, but then Kelley is already slipping in past the shower curtain and Emily is poking her head in to glare at her. It’s clear that this is what Kelley wanted, because she’s wearing the worst imitation of innocence as she lets the water pour over her, and Emily hates how much she loves it, how simple it seems to give in and feel like it’s okay because Kelley’s standing there and giving into her even when it might seem like she’s the one in control. 

Besides, Emily thinks as Kelley invites her in, the fact that it all seems so simple is what holds the key to the answer here.

“You lied,” Emily says as she steps in, shaking her head at Kelley’s brashness. 

“About what?” Kelley asks. 

“I asked you how I looked,” Emily explains. “You didn’t tell me I looked like a mess. This is such a bad idea, by the way.”

Kelley just gropes for her, trying to fit both of them under the narrow hotel shower stream. 

“No complaining,” Kelley says. “And I wasn’t lying.”

“You told me I looked gorgeous when my head was basically a birds nest,” Emily persists, but Kelley isn’t having it. 

“Because you do,” Kelley says, and she’s raking her fingers through her rapidly soaking hair. “Now come on and stop thinking.”

It’s getting easier, Emily finds, to stop thinking so hard when she’s with Kelley. 

*

Like many other times in her life, Emily finds herself questioning why she’s still friends with Rose Lavelle. Sure, she’s quick and witty and helps choreograph some sick dance routines, but there are times when Emily doesn’t regret all the balls she’s kicked into her head, accidental or not. All she’d meant to do was find Lindsey, but they’re unfortunately rooming together and Lindsey is nowhere to be found. 

It had started when Alex had made an appearance, done with her first round of obligations for the morning. It was a little earlier than Emily had anticipated, but she hadn’t been nearly as bothered as Kelley was. 

“Don’t go,” Kelley had said, casting a worried look at Alex who claimed she was only popping in to charge her phone before heading off again. She’d sworn she’d “only be fifteen minutes, max,” but Emily knew that Alex could have charged her phone anywhere and she recognized the glint in her eyes as she took in the way Kelley tugged Emily close for a tight hug and a kiss. It was the least Emily could do, she’d surmised, as she had grabbed her phone and some slides and her room key - as annoyed as Kelley wanted to be, she wasn’t about to start complaining, especially not with Alex. After all, there’s a very high likelihood they’ll be rooming together in Chicago, based on how things had gone down on the last leg of the victory tour. The last thing Emily wants is to get on her bad side, and if she needs to let Alex pick Kelley’s brain about their night together in order to do that, then so be it. 

“I’m just going to hang out with Lindsey,” Emily had reassured her, sticking her phone in the kangaroo pouch of the hoodie she’d pulled on before they’d fallen asleep. If she’d let Kelley have her way, they would have gone at it all night and Emily never would have been allowed clothes, but she’d put her foot down even as Kelley stomped around the hotel room and whined about being denied the one thing she was asking for. It was almost funny, Emily had thought, the way she was so much like Alex in some ways without even realizing it. 

But now she’s facing Rose and Mal, cuddled up in bed and intensely engaged in something on Mal’s phone, and she’s seriously considering turning right back around. 

“She’ll be back soon,” Rose is saying and Emily throws herself onto Lindsey’s bed. “I think she’s with Moe, they went to get breakfast. Have you eaten?”

“Do you think she’d get me something?” Emily asks, going for her message thread with Lindsey. “If I text her?”

“If she’s still out, yeah,” Mal says. 

“It’s like, ten,” Rose says, eyeing Emily critically. “Have you not eaten?”

“I slept in,” Emily says, picking at her chapped lips as she thumbs out a text to Lindsey. 

“You? Sleeping in?” Rose says skeptically, and Emily just rolls her eyes, staring at her phone screen while waiting for a response. 

“Am I not allowed to sleep in?” she asks. 

“You’re just very relaxed,” Mal says, peeking around Rose to look at her. Emily isn’t sure how she feels about the two of them scrutinizing her, but she’s too invested in the possibility of breakfast to pay them much attention.

“It’s because of Kelley,” Rose says, and Emily just stares at her phone harder, trying to tune them out. 

“That makes sense,” Mal says. “You know, I feel like I saw this coming."

**Lindsey Horan: ** Almost back but I can grab you something from the hotel

**Emily Sonnett: ** coffee and a banana?

Lindsey thumbs up the text, and Emily really doesn’t want to chance tuning back into the conversation Mal and Rose are having in case they’re still talking about her and Kelley, so she cycles through her social media apps until there’s a knock on the door. 

“Why would Lindsey knock?” she says out loud without thinking, and when she looks up, it’s to see Mal and Rose staring at her peculiarly.

“I think that’s Sam,” Mal says hastily. “We texted her earlier.”

“Go get it,” Rose tells Emily. 

“Why me?” Emily asks, but she starts to get up anyway. “This is your room.”

“Because this is my room and I’m the boss,” Rose tells her. 

Sam is indeed on the other side of the door, but she looks surprised to see Emily. 

“I thought you were with Kelley,” Sam says, way more confused than she needs to be.

“No,” Emily says, mostly because she’s aware that Mal and Rose can hear her. 

“Because Crystal said Kelley wasn’t in their room last night,” Sam says. 

“Why were you talking to Crystal?” Emily asks, and she’s trying to take up as much of the entrance as she can, to keep her from walking into the room and keep her away from Rose and Mal, but then Lindsey appears and, well, she’s not about to keep her from coming into her own room. 

“I wasn’t, but she was talking to Abby earlier,” Sam says. “Is this like, a meeting?”

“No,” Lindsey says, and she elbows past Sam to give Emily her breakfast. “Let me in, you morons.”

“Yeah, Sam, let her in,” Emily echoes, trying to beat Lindsey to her bed. 

“No way,” Lindsey says, shaking her head and pointing to the chair in the corner of the room. “If you spill anything - “

“Why would I spill anything?” Emily asks, but listens anyway. She drags the chair between the beds as Sam sits on the end of Lindsey’s bed, and she’s so busy fitting the coffee cup between her thighs that she nearly misses what Rose says. 

“Isn’t she so relaxed?” Rose asks, chin in her hands as she stares at Emily. It makes her feel uncomfortable as she peels her banana, and she frowns at Rose while trying to figure out if this is going where she thinks it is. 

“I’m always relaxed,” Emily says. 

“We’ve decided it’s because of Kelley,” Mal announces. 

“Not this again,” Lindsey says with a groan.

“Again?” Emily asks, pausing before taking a bite. “What do you mean, again?”

“She kept this up all night,” Lindsey says, and she’s turning on the tv, way too focused on changing the channel for it to be legitimate concentration. 

“All night?” Emily asks, and Rose just shrugs. 

“It wasn’t all night,” she says. “I did let her sleep.”

“I told them to leave it alone,” Lindsey says, and Emily feels a surge of appreciation for her. 

“What is there to even talk about?” Emily asks, and it’s not meant to get a serious answer, but Rose makes her regret it instantly. 

“How we decided that we totally saw this coming,” she says, sharing a look with Mal. “Right?”

“Absolutely,” Mal says. 

Emily just chews her banana, aware that her ears are burning, but not sure of whether or not it would look bad to get up and leave. 

“They spent the night together,” Sam says, most unhelpfully. 

“That makes so much sense,” Mal says, nodding fervently. “Because we were like, why else is she just getting up now?”

“Guys,” Lindsey tries to say, but it’s useless. 

“So are you going to tell us what happened?” Rose asks, leaning in towards Emily. 

“What do you mean?” Emily asks, a need for clarification kicking in, in case she misunderstood the question. The least thing she wants is to give away more than necessary. 

“Like, how you got together,” she says. 

“Did we really see this coming?” Sam asks. “Or are we just saying that because we didn’t know Sonnett was this good at hiding things?”

Emily sees Lindsey roll her eyes, but she’s pretty sure she’s the only one. 

“We definitely saw this coming,” Mal says confidently. “You know, when they came to play us, Kelley was telling me all about how much her girlfriend sucked.”

“Did she break up with her girlfriend?” Sam asks urgently, and Emily takes a long sip of her coffee - it’s perfect, as of course Lindsey would make it - before saying anything. 

“Yeah,” she says as calmly as she can, and Mal squeals. 

“See, I knew it!” Mal says excitedly. “Sonny!”

Emily can’t help how she smiles wide, but she just holds her coffee cup to her mouth so that hopefully the others don’t see it. 

“I need the whole story right now,” Rose says, smacking a palm to Mal’s thigh. 

“You’re not getting it,” Emily says, and some part of her thought that maybe Lindsey would have said something to them about how this all came to be, but it’s clear that she didn’t. “I’m not saying anything else.”

“That’s not fair,” Mal whines. “We want to know! We deserve to know!"

“All you need to know is that Kelley broke up with her girlfriend before anything happened,” Emily says, because this is an important detail that she needs to drill into their heads. 

“You’re such a tease,” Rose says, slumping back against her pillows. 

“We’re just trying to be happy for you - “ Sam tries to say, but Emily doesn’t care.

“Try being happy for me by talking about something else,” Emily suggests. 

“Let’s talk about you two spending the night together,” Rose says. “Is that like, going to be a regular thing now?”

“I don’t know,” Emily says, and she’s a bit exasperated but admittedly in too good of a mood to stop responding entirely. 

“What did Alex think?” Sam asks. “Isn’t she your roommate?”

“What, do you know where everyone was sleeping last night?” Lindsey shoots off at her. 

“I have a good memory,” Sam says, tapping her temple, and Rose scoffs. 

“Sure,” she says. “That’s why I had to text you what room we were in.”

“It’s hard to keep all the numbers straight!” Sam says. “I’m better with names.”

“Guys,” Mal says, holding her arms out to quiet them. “We’re missing the most obvious thing here.”

“Which is?” Sam asks. 

“That we already know they’re together,” Mal says, looking at Emily who stuffs a giant bite of banana in her mouth. 

“Oh, right,” Rose says, nodding. “Sam, you know we saw them kissing last night?”

“No way,” Sam says with wide eyes. “Where?”

“Restaurant bathroom,” Rose says smugly, and Emily wants to aim a particularly firm soccer ball right at her face. “They couldn’t keep their hands off of each other. I wonder what Alex thought of that last night.”

Emily is acutely aware of them all looking at her, but she just keeps chewing. 

“Yeah, she’s way too relaxed,” Sam says. 

“That’s what I’m saying!” Mal cries out. 

“You guys, knock it off,” Lindsey says. “She doesn’t have to say anything she doesn’t want to.”

“Too bad,” Rose says. “What’s it like being with an older woman?”

“Oh, ew,” Mal says, cringing. “Rose, don’t ask that.”

“What?” Rose asks. “It’s a fair question!”

“Kelley’s not old,” Mal says, but she’s holding her phone to her chest and mouthing numbers, and Emily is seriously considering bolting. 

“She’s older,” Rose says. 

“No, I’m not getting in between this,” Mal says, hands going to cover her ears. “Rose, don’t. Kelley’s like...I don’t want to think about that.”

“I just want to know!” Rose says, and they’re bickering about it and Emily just pulls her phone back out, grinning down at the screen despite herself when she unlocks it to see the newest text she’s gotten.

**Kelley O’Hara: ** When are you coming back? Or should I go to my room?

**Emily Sonnett: ** hanging in lindsey and rose’s room

**Emily Sonnett: ** do you want to come save me

**Kelley O’Hara: ** What’s the room number?

**Emily Sonnett: ** i’m kidding, don’t come unless you want to be interrogated

“Look at her,” she hears Sam say, and she puts her phone away and stands up with her empty banana peel. 

“What’s wrong with how I look?” she says, throwing it away and standing near the trash can while she drinks her coffee. 

“You look too happy,” Mal says. 

“I wonder why,” Rose says, and she’s wiggling her eyebrows in a way that makes it look like she’s having some kind of spasm. Mal winces, covering her ears with her hands. 

“Rose,” Emily says between sips, “do you want another concussion?”

Rose scowls at her. 

“Okay, we can’t joke about that,” Sam says quickly. 

“We can if she’s going to joke about Kelley,” Emily points out - it seems a fair trade off in her opinion, if she’s going to be forced to endure this. 

“We’re just happy for you,” Mal tries to say, but Rose has other ideas. 

“I just want all of the information here,” Rose says. “Is that a crime?”

“You have enough information,” Lindsey tells her. 

“I’m just saying,” Rose says defensively. “I mean, I’m happy for Sonnett too! I just want to know what’s going on! Am I the only one?”

“No,” Sam says while Mal lets out a resounding, “Yes!”

“I don’t want details,” Mal says, nose scrunching up. “I can be happy without knowing everything.”

Emily’s phone vibrates, and it’s second nature at this point to check if it’s Kelley. 

**Kelley O’Hara: ** Come on, after Alex I can handle anything

**Emily Sonnett: ** fine but wait outside for me

**Emily Sonnett: ** rose is in rare form

“She’s blushing, I’m telling you,” Rose is saying when Emily finishes texting Kelley the room number. “Kelley’s probably saying something like - “

“You guys are the worst,” Emily interrupts, mostly because she doesn’t want to hear what Rose thinks that Kelley has to say, but partially because Mal looks like she’s a second away from sticking her fingers in her ears. “You’re supposed to be my friends.”

“We are!” Rose says. “Real friends care about this stuff!”

“Real friends would respect my privacy,” Emily says. 

Rose doesn’t look pleased with that, but it does shut her up for a second. 

**Kelley O’Hara: ** Come outside, I have a surprise for you ;)

Emily laughs at that, and she chucks her empty cup in the garbage before putting her phone away. 

“Look at that,” Sam says. “Look, isn’t that cute? I remember when I first started dating Pat and the littlest things made me smile.”

“Very cute,” Mal agrees. 

“I’m going,” Emily says, looking for Lindsey who meets her gaze with a knowing half-smile. “I came here for Lindsey, but seeing as how you guys are all the worst, I’ll find you later.”

“Sounds good,” Lindsey says, raising a hand in acknowledgment. “We’ll talk on the bus, at least.”

“Definitely,” Emily says, and she waves a hand in goodbye before heading to the door. She doesn’t even get it open before there are three very loud thuds, and before she knows it, she’s being crowded from behind. 

“I’m not missing this,” Rose says like she’s an old school villain, rubbing her hands together and smirking evilly. 

“Leave them alone!” Lindsey calls out. 

Emily can appreciate a girl for trying. 

“Can you back off so I can open the door?” she asks, and Mal moves a step back while Sam pulls at Rose’s arm until she does too. 

Kelley smiles upon seeing them, and Emily imagines it looks like something straight out of a sitcom. 

“Welcome,” Mal says, poking her head over Emily’s arms, outstretched in the doorway to keep anyone besides her from crossing the threshold. 

“I’m thinking we should kill them all,” Emily says to Kelley, but she knows she’s smiling and couldn’t stop even if she wanted to. 

“Have you kids been misbehaving?” Kelley asks, looking behind Emily. 

“No,” Rose says automatically.

“She’s been the worst,” Emily tells Kelley. 

“No, I haven’t,” Rose says. “No way, I haven’t said anything!”

From back in the room, Emily would swear she hears Lindsey roll her eyes. 

“Right,” Kelley says, a little twinkle in her eye. “Anyway. We going?”

“Where are you going?” Mal pipes up. 

“None of your business,” Emily says, dropping her arms and stepping towards Kelley. She expects the way Rose keeps the door from closing, but she isn’t expecting how quickly Kelley’s all up on her, arms around her neck with eyes boring into hers. 

“Hi,” Kelley says. 

“Hi,” Emily says, and she wants to be uncomfortable, but it’s so hard with Kelley now, especially when she knows that she’s allowed to want this now. Before she had to be wary of every bit of physical contact that occurred between them, but now she’s got full permission to touch Kelley however she likes and be okay with Kelley doing the same, and it keeps her from pulling away. Rather she lets her hands find Kelley’s hips, touching lightly. 

“Didn’t I tell you?” Mal says. “Aren’t they kind of cute?”

“Yeah, Em,” Kelley says, and she’s teasing but she’s so good at making Emily not care so much, and she lets Kelley smack an overzealous kiss to her cheek. “Aren’t we kind of cute?”

“Stop,” Emily says, and she wipes at the wet spot left behind. “Please don’t give them ammunition.”

“Are you going to be like this all the time?” Sam wants to know.

“Definitely,” Kelley says, and then she’s kissing Emily, and Emily wants to push her off and away but she can tell that Kelley’s just doing it to prove a point, and she’d let Emily push her off if she wanted to, and so she lets it happen. Because more important to Emily than clinging to some old idea of what’s appropriate for them, is knowing that Kelley’s learned enough to respect whatever it is that she wants while still showing her how much she’s wanted. 

“This is not what I signed up for,” Mal says, and Emily has half a mind to cover her own ears, like how Mal did before. She pulls away from Kelley after a long moment, because they’re not here to put on a show, and turns to her so-called friends. 

“I’m going,” she says, even though it’s kind of unnecessary. 

“Have fun,” Rose says, and she’s wiggling her eyebrows at them, and Emily is seriously going to smack her, but then Lindsey is there and she’s hauling Rose’s skinny ass away from the door. 

“Go,” Lindsey says. “I promise to have a talk with her about what’s okay and what’s not.”

“Hey!” Rose protests, but Emily just smiles gratefully. 

“Thanks, Horan,” Kelley says cheerfully. “I always knew you were my favorite.”

Lindsey just shakes her head before forcing the door closed and Emily wants to feel nervous about being alone with Kelley after all that, but she doesn’t. 

“Am I not your favorite?” Emily asks, mostly joking.

“Do you really have to ask? Now come on,” Kelley says, motioning down the hall. “I need to get some new clothes.”

“You could always just wear mine,” Emily suggests, but she lets Kelley lead her anyway. 

Kelley mimes vomiting, and Emily pushes at her, knocking her off balance. 

“Never again,” Kelley says, holding up a finger in warning. “That was a one time special event.”

“Oh, really?” Emily asks with raised eyebrows. “What, you thought that you’d put my clothes on and you’d become irresistible? I’d forget all the stuff you did and forgive you immediately?”

“Well, it worked, didn’t it?” Kelley says smugly as she lets them into her room. 

“Yeah, because I didn’t want to be mad in the first place,” Emily says. 

“I know,” Kelley says, and she pats Emily’s cheek fondly. “I know you liked me too much.”

“Whatever,” Emily says, and she has a feeling that this is what it’s going to be like for them from here on out: little kisses and quick touches, soft smiles and shared looks, dumb teasing and all their teammates giving them shit that just so happens to be incredibly worth it. 

“Want to just stay in here?” Kelley asks, throwing off the pajama top she’d reluctantly put on earlier, before the sun had risen but after the two of them had decided that they needed to get some actual sleep. Emily doesn’t even bother averting her eyes, instead just sitting down on what’s clearly Kelley’s bed so she can watch as she changes. It’s new, having uninterrupted access to Kelley like this, and she can’t find a single reason to be upset about it. “I mean, we can just flip the deadbolt and - “

“No,” Emily laughs. “No, because that’s exactly what everyone is expecting us to do. I’m not doing that.” 

Kelley pouts as she rifles through her mess of a suitcase. 

“Do you really not want to? Because you don’t always have to do what you think you should do,” Kelley says. 

Emily thinks on it for a second. While she’d mostly like to avoid being given a hard time by their friends, and she knows that if they stay in the room they’re more than likely to have an excellent time together, she doesn’t want to hide away forever. They’d done that in Portland, and she’s sure they’ll have the opportunity again in the future. For now, she wants to enjoy the circumstances for what they are, and try to navigate what it’s like to be more to each other than just friends and teammates. 

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Emily says without further explanation.

“Fine,” she says, pulling on a bra with an attitude similar to the one she adopts when being taken out of a game earlier than she’d like. She would clearly rather have her way, but is still going to respect what Emily wants. “Would you complain if I asked Alex to switch rooms with me?”

“Yes,” Emily says firmly. “I would.”

“You’re no fun,” Kelley says, now wearing a shirt. 

“I very much disagree,” Emily says with a shrug. “But regardless, I don’t see you going anywhere.”

Kelley swaps her shorts for a pair of jeans and when she’s done changing, she tries to go in for another kiss, but Emily holds a hand between them to push her away. 

“You need to brush your teeth,” Emily tells her. 

“Already did,” Kelley says. “Used your toothbrush. Used it last night too, when you weren’t looking.”

“That’s gross,” Emily says. 

“Too bad,” Kelley says, and she’s kissing her, and Emily doesn’t really think any of it is gross at all. 

*

“So,” Lindsey says, low and quiet in the locker room later, before open practice. For some reason, Emily keeps finding herself amongst the last few out to the field, no matter the scenario. She’s never been the most punctual person, but this is getting slightly concerning. “You’re welcome.”

“I didn’t say thank you,” Emily says. 

“For talking to Rose for you?” Lindsey says, as though it should be obvious, as though Emily should know exactly what happened after she’d left their hotel room earlier. “When I tell you she wouldn’t shut up about it all night long, I’m not exaggerating. I was trying to figure out how soon our Prime subscription would get a pair of noise-cancelling headphones to me.”

“And?” Emily asks, grinning up at her. “What was the verdict?”

“The verdict was that it couldn’t happen soon enough,” Lindsey says. “I don’t know why they’re all so obsessed, it’s just you and Kelley.”

“I know,” Emily agrees readily. “I mean, there’s nothing to see here at all.”

They’d spent the bus ride over to the stadium in casual conversation with each other, and the sense of normalcy it had delivered was something that Emily hadn’t known she needed. Sure, the last month or so has mostly consisted of her going about her life with just a touch more Kelley to it than usual, but returning to camp had thrown everything a little off-kilter for a moment. Eventually she knows she’ll adjust, and that’s something she’s looking forward to, but in the meantime she’ll soak up as much Lindsey as she can reasonably manage while still making an effort to be with Kelley slightly more than before. As grounding as Kelley can be, she can’t be everything to her. 

“Exactly,” Lindsey says. “No, but really. You’re welcome. If I hadn’t intervened when I did, she’d be telling everyone that Kelley spent the night in your room.”

“Are you telling me that everyone doesn’t know already?” Emily asks with raised brows. “I know how Alex operates by now.”

Lindsey just presses her mouth into a thin line. 

“I just want to be careful,” Lindsey says. “And I want you to be careful.”

“And I appreciate that,” Emily says, and she’s very glad that they’re literally the last two people left in the room at this point. “I’m being careful, I promise. Now let’s go out there before Rose comes back for us.”

“She would, honestly,” Lindsey says under her breath. 

“It’s your turn to deliver her some bodily harm,” Emily says, elbowing Lindsey as they walk through the tunnel. “In case that’s something you’d be interested in.”

“I was thinking more along the lines of another bed bug prank,” Lindsey says. “I’ll leave the whole ‘maiming your close friends’ bit to you, thank you very much.”

“Boring,” Emily says with a shrug. “But I’ll see if inspiration strikes. Let you know.”

She’s ready to head out and join everyone, maybe find solace near Abby who is almost guaranteed to not bring anything up unless someone else does first, but then Lindsey touches her wrist softly and stops walking, standing off to the side of the entrance to the field. 

“Yeah?” Emily asks, forcing herself to slow down and do this right, make sure she gives Lindsey the time and attention she deserves after everything that’s happened. 

“I’m happy for you,” Lindsey says, and Emily looks her in the eye and can tell that she means it.

“You mean you aren’t looking to guillotine Kelley anymore?” Emily asks, but drops the grin when it becomes apparent that Lindsey is totally serious. “No, I can tell you are, and thank you for everything.”

“I was never going to hate her if she could make you happy,” Lindsey says truthfully. “I know that you know that.”

“Yeah, I know,” Emily says, and she hates the lump that forms in the back of her throat. “You’re pretty awesome, you know.”

Lindsey smiles at her, something small and kind, and last night Emily might have said something to Kelley about her being lucky - she can’t remember entirely, a lot was said and a lot happened and her memory is usually pretty on point where Kelley is concerned, but she’s giving herself a break this time - but she knows that she’s truly the lucky one. To not only have the friends that she does, but to also now have someone who’s willing to stick with her despite the mess they had to wade through together, is more than she ever would reasonably think to ask for. 

“I try,” Lindsey says nonchalantly, and Emily isn’t sure what she’s seeing here, but she hates the idea of Lindsey feeling like she isn’t fully appreciated for the way she’d stuck by Emily when things got real tough. Because Emily knows it might seem like she’d leaned on Lindsey only while she didn’t have Kelley, but that couldn’t be further from how she’d really felt at the time. 

“You’re my best friend,” Emily tells her. “Always will be.”

“Is this what you’re going to be like now?” Lindsey says, and now she’s smiling, one of those genuine ones of hers that always make Emily feel like she’s done right by her. “All sappy and sentimental now? I don’t think I like it.”

“No way,” Emily says, shaking her head adamantly. “No, you know me. I’m not changing or going anywhere. I mean, you know not much has actually changed, right? Not for me, at least.”

“Yeah,” Lindsey says, and she’s still smiling but it’s a little wistful now, and Emily knows it’s important that they have this conversation, that they seal the envelope holding the list of things Lindsey had done for her this time around, but it doesn’t make it any easier. “You always liked her. More has changed for her.”

“Exactly,” Emily says, and she hadn’t even realized that her chest felt tight, but something loosens and she doesn’t want to admit it, not out loud at least, but Lindsey’s understanding and approval - which was implicit before - is something that feels so good to explicitly have. Maybe she’d just needed to see her with Kelley again, the three of them in a normal environment that isn’t so isolating, but the validation, while not anything that Emily has ever necessarily needed, means more to her than she can begin to communicate. 

“You tell me if she isn’t good to you though,” Lindsey says, and they’re just playing around, but Emily knows she means it. 

“What are you going to do, set Rose on her?” Emily laughs, and there’s a shout for both of them that sounds like it comes from Alex, her hands cupped around her mouth like a microphone. 

“That might actually be worse than death,” Lindsey says as they start for the bench. 

“Only if you get Mal in on it,” Emily says. “The two of them were making me wish I’d stayed behind to listen to Alex and Kelley.”

“Is that why you ran away?” Lindsey asks with a lofty grin. 

“If I hadn’t been so hungry, I would have gone back to mine,” Emily tells her, and Lindsey’s got a smirk on her face, and as much as Emily loves that Lindsey had her back earlier, she should have known that she wouldn’t bother with the defense when it’s just the two of them. 

“Right,” Lindsey says with a nod. “I’m sure you were just there for the banana.”

“And the coffee,” Emily says. “Don’t forget the coffee - it was very important.”

Lindsey levels her with an amused look, and Emily knows if they don’t stop dragging their feet, they’re going to get yelled at by someone. 

“I’m not going to be like them and try to get you to tell me everything you do,” she says, and Emily wishes Lindsey didn’t know her so well, wishes Lindsey couldn’t see the way she’s squirming inside, wishes she hadn’t shown Lindsey all her cards over the last few years. “But I’m definitely not going to keep enabling your behavior.”

“How are you enabling anything?” Emily exclaims. “I just wanted breakfast!”

“I’m just saying,” Lindsey says, and Emily is going to have to add Lindsey to her list of former friends if she’s not careful. “I’m not going to keep bringing you coffee if you choose to stay up late.”

“You know nothing about how late I stayed up,” Emily denies, shaking her head. “I’m refusing to have this conversation.”

“That’s fine,” Lindsey says breezily, so much so that it’s almost out of character for her. “I’m just saying - good luck getting Kelley to bring you coffee.”

Emily frowns at that and wants to respond, but now Dawn is yelling at them, and the absolute last thing she wants to do is disrespect that. She slots into things with Abby and Crystal and Moe easily enough, and towards the end of open practice when she sees Kelley breaking away from Becky and JJ and Sam long enough to squirt water all over her face, she goes to her without much of an excuse to Tierna or Alex. 

“Hi,” Emily says, wiping the thin film of sweat off her forehead with the back of her hand. “I have a question for you.”

Kelley wipes the water from her eyes with the hem of her practice jersey before looking at Emily, and it’s so intense that she wonders if Kelley remembers where they are. 

“Okay,” she says, “hit me.”

“Would you bring me coffee?”

It’s not often than Emily manages to confuse Kelley, but she feels oddly proud of herself every time it happens. 

“Like, now?” Kelley asks, still focusing her eyes on her. 

“No, like in general,” Emily clarifies. “Like if I woke up, and I texted you for coffee - “

“Bold of you to assume that we’re not waking up together if we’re in close enough physical proximity for me to be bringing you anything,” Kelley interrupts. 

Emily just takes the water that Kelley passes her and pauses, squirting it into her mouth as best as she can manage, and letting the urge to say something snarky pass. 

“Regardless of whether we were together or not,” Emily tries again. “If I wanted coffee. Would you go get it for me?”

“Maybe,” Kelley says, stretching out her arms above her head. “Why?”

“It’s a yes or no question,” Emily says, and maybe she just wants to prove a point that doesn’t matter anyway, because she’s pretty sure Lindsey won’t believe her if she says Kelley said yes, but it’s a victory that she wants just for herself. 

“Fine,” Kelley says, snatching the water bottle back. “Yes, I’d bring you coffee if you wanted. I’m not bringing you eighteen packets of sugar, though.”

“Splenda,” Emily corrects. “It dissolves better.”

Kelley just grins at her, sweaty with little baby hairs curling around her hairline, and Emily grins back, biting her bottom lip because she’s still trying to adjust to this, to letting herself feel so many positive emotions so openly around Kelley. It’s not a split second before Kelley is pressing a kiss to her cheek, and it’s nothing she hasn’t done in public before, but she doesn’t immediately rush away as she normally does, and Emily impulsively returns the gesture before prying the water bottle out of Kelley’s hands. None of it is too much, just some good old fashioned fooling around at practice - at least that’s what Emily tells herself, and she thought she was done making excuses for the behavior between the two of them, but at least this time she’s not having to lie about how she feels. Now, it’s all just a matter of walking a fine line between what’s acceptable around others and what’s not, and it might take some trial and error to figure it out, but judging by the expression on Kelley’s face, so far they’re alright. 

“I’ll bring you whatever you want,” Kelley says. “Okay?”

“Okay,” Emily says, and out of the corner of her eye she sees Lindsey sling an arm around Tobin, and she just can’t resist. “Now can you go tell Lindsey that?”

“You two are weird," Kelley tells her, and Emily just grins, accidentally spraying her neck with water instead of getting it in her mouth. “Especially you. I’m not telling her that.”

“If you do it, I’ll let you come to the room later,” Emily tells her and she’s mostly going off a hunch, but she’s pleased to find that it’s right on the money when Kelley’s eyes narrow at her before searching out Lindsey on the pitch. 

“Alex would let me in anyway,” Kelley declares. “But I like you, Em, so I’m doing this for you.”

Emily just watches Kelley jog over to Lindsey for a second, surely smiling like a mad person, and then she shakes her head as Lindsey sees who’s approaching, and heads back out to where Mal is taking shots at Ashlyn. 

“Are you over it yet?” Mal asks, glancing at her before kicking at the ball. Ashlyn knocks it over the crossbar with the very tips of her gloves, and Mal pauses with a hand on her hip, breathing heavily. 

“Let’s make a truce,” she says, looking to where Rose is determinedly walking to Lindsey and Kelley. “Lindsey said something, and it got me thinking…”

The intrigued look on Mal’s face is all she needs to move forward. 

*

Maybe it’s more because Alex is there, and because Emily forced Kelley out of the room for the night, but when Kelley knocks on the door with a tray of iced coffees from the hotel’s cafe, Emily feels almost smug. She makes Kelley pose with them in the doorway, snapping a picture that she ends up posting to her story on Instagram and tagging Lindsey in.

“I don’t get it,” Kelley says, shaking her head when Emily finally lets her in the room. 

“Did you get the right order?” Alex asks from her bed, where she’s still buried under the covers and surrounded by a million pillows. “Did Sonnett text it to you right?”

“I’ve known your coffee order for years,” Kelley tells her, and Emily swipes two of the plastic cups so she can deliver Alex’s personally. 

“Here you go, princess,” Emily says, holding it out like it’s a gift - which it kind of is. Alex hasn’t complained about Kelley insisting on hanging out on Emily’s bed, and hadn’t argued much one way or the other when Emily had forced Kelley out of the room close to midnight. Granted, Alex was already half asleep at that point, but she’d mumbled something about refusing to get involved in a lovers spat that had Kelley scowling in her direction. 

“You’d think she’d have a bit of loyalty,” Kelley had grumbled as Emily was forced to manhandle her out of the room. “And you’d think, you’d actually want me around.”

“I want to sleep,” Emily had told her. “And you need to sleep, and Alex wants to sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“But we sleep just fine together!” Kelley had insisted. “It’s not like I kick you in my sleep!”

“Maybe you do,” Emily had said, mouth twisting into a thin and tired smirk that had Kelley sulking until Emily bestowed a kiss unto her before finally shutting the door on her. 

Kelley hadn’t been happy, at all, but now Emily’s feeling well rested and unusually chipper, and it was totally worth it. 

“You’re not allowed to call me that unless you mean it,” Alex says, stirring the ice around with her straw. 

“Oh, I totally mean it,” Emily says before tasting her own coffee.

“Your phone is going off,” Kelley says, and Emily turns to see her frowning down at the screen. “Why have Mal and Horan texted you like, eighty times in the last two minutes?”

“You know that’s how Lindsey texts,” Emily says, holding her hand out so she can unlock the phone. Kelley turns it over reluctantly, and Emily placates her by sitting on the edge of the bed right next to her while she reads the messages in the thread. 

**Mal Pugh:** Are you done yet? 

**Lindsey Horan: ** Can you not keep her busy? 

**Lindsey Horan:** Just buy her another coffee!

**Mal Pugh: ** Can you not get all her stuff into a bag in less than half an hour?

**Lindsey Horan:** I know she’s organized but she has a lot of shit, okay?

**Lindsey Horan: ** Just buy her a chocolate croissant or something

**Lindsey Horan:** No one says no to a croissant

**Mal Pugh:** You better pay me back for all this food. 

**Lindsey Horan:** Sonny will Venmo you

**Lindsey Horan:** This was her idea anyway

**Lindsey Horan: ** Speaking of where the fuck are you Sonny

**Lindsey Horan:** You’ve become the shittiest texter

**Lindsey Horan:** That’s how I know you’re with Kelley, you never text me back

**Mal Pugh** : Stop texting her she’s not going to answer, just hurry up.

**Emily Sonnett:** fuck you and check ig

She grins at her phone, waiting for a reply while Kelley and Alex talk about the game that night. Kelley’s got a hand on her lower back, scratching at her through her shirt, and Emily can’t decide if she wants to lean into it or swat Kelley’s hand away. For as tactile as Kelley has always been, Emily has always been hyper aware of it. 

**Lindsey Horan: ** Okay no, fuck you

**Lindsey Horan: ** I’m going to assume that the third one is for me since I’m on my way over 

**Mal Pugh: ** If you don’t hurry up, Rose is going to discover that you’ve stolen everything she owns and I won’t stop her from hurting you.

**Lindsey Horan: ** Sonnett tell me it’s mine

**Lindsey Horan: ** SONNETT tell me I didn’t do this for you only to not be rewarded

“Lindsey is going to kill me,” Emily says conversationally, getting up. “So I’m going to hide.”

“What?” Alex asks, and Emily just barely manages to close the bathroom door behind her when she hears Lindsey knocking hard. 

“Sonny!” Emily hears, muffled through the walls. 

“I’m not getting it,” Kelley clearly says. “I’m pretty certain she hates me.”

“You guys are babies,” Alex says, and Emily just drinks her iced coffee and stands in wait, knowing there’s a fifty-fifty chance that Alex or Kelley rat her out. “What are you doing here? Why are you carrying garbage bags like you’re homeless?”

“I can’t believe that coffee was for you,” Lindsey says, and Emily is trying so hard not to laugh, her shoulders shaking in the dark. “Where is she?"

“What’s wrong with my coffee?” Alex asks, and she’s so convincing that Emily is glad she didn’t think to say anything more than she did before hiding. 

“Where is she?” Lindsey demands. 

“Kelley’s right here,” Alex says, and Emily knew there was a reason to be so determined to stay on her good side. “What do you need her for?”

“Not her,” Lindsey says. “Sonnett. I know she’s in here.” 

“Oh no, I think she went downstairs,” Alex says. 

There’s an audible creaking of the closet doors opening, and Emily’s biting her bottom lip, and then sooner than she would have liked, Lindsey is flinging open the bathroom door and it occurs to Emily too late that she should have locked it. 

“I’m going to kill you,” Lindsey says, but she’s laughing through it and she’s made so many threats about Kelley at this point that Emily is used to it by now, and all she can do is laugh along with it. “You wouldn’t even help me pack up all Rose’s stuff, and now I’m literally the only one of us without coffee, and how in the world did you get Alex to pretend like you weren’t here?”

“Because I made Kelley bring her coffee,” Emily says, and she knocks past Lindsey until she can see the heavy-duty garbage bags stuffed full of everything Rose had brought to camp. “Okay, where do we hide these?”

“Em, your phone is blowing up again,” Kelley says, and she comes to hand it to her. She’s wearing a decidedly sullen expression, but Emily ignores it in favor of reading the messages from Mal while Lindsey takes advantage of the situation to swipe the cup out of her hand. 

“I’m going to need you to get me another coffee,” Emily distractedly directs at Kelley.

“How in the world did I end up everyone’s servant?” Kelley asks. 

**Mal Pugh: ** You guys she’s so mad.

**Mal Pugh: ** I’m pretty sure she knows it was Sonnett. 

**Mal Pugh: ** You guys seriously! I think she’s coming to your room.

“Shit,” Emily says, locking the phone and stuffing it in the pocket of her sweats. “Shit, I think she’s coming.”

“No,” Lindsey says, eyes going wide. “Okay quick, where do I hide the bags?”

“In the bathtub,” Alex says obviously, watching the two of them with a mildly amused expression on her face. “Then just pull the curtain, and she’ll never know.”

“I feel like that’s too obvious,” Lindsey says, facing Emily and holding out the coffee cup. 

“I think Alex might be onto something,” Emily says before leaning in and sucking at the straw. 

“You’re just too caught up in kissing her ass,” Lindsey says, calling her out, and Emily merely shrugs. It’s definitely the truth, and she’s not trying to hide it. 

“We’ve probably got like, two seconds before she’s here,” Emily says, and she moves to lift one of the bags. “Should we have dumped all this stuff out the window?”

“These windows don’t open,” Alex tells them. “Also, if this room could maybe not become a safe house for all of you wannabe juvenile delinquents, I’d really appreciate it.”

But Emily and Lindsey are too busy trying to hide the trash bags to respond, and Rose is banging on the door. 

“How long should I make her wait?” Alex asks, and really, Emily thinks they need to get her involved in their pranks more often. “Are you two done yet?”

“Yeah,” Kelley echoes, and it’s hard for Emily to miss the edge to her voice. “Are you done yet?”

“Yeah,” Lindsey says, and as soon as her hands are available she’s snatching up Emily’s coffee again. 

“You don’t even like how I get my coffee,” Emily tries to tell her, but Lindsey just uses her elbows to keep her at a distance. 

“I need caffeine,” Lindsey tells her. “You need to pay Mal back for their breakfast, by the way.”

“I can hear you guys!” Rose hollers through the door. “Open up!”

“What do you think?” Alex says, reaching for the door handle. “Should I get her in?”

Emily’s too focused on the erupting chaos - Alex letting Rose and Mal in, Rose lunging for her neck, Lindsey laughing and hanging to the side with Mal, content to let Emily take the brunt of it - to pay Kelley much attention. She does her best to redirect Rose’s rage towards Lindsey (“I’ve been here the entire morning! You can ask Alex! Why don’t you ask Lindsey where she’s been?”), and at first it doesn’t work because Rose is so caught up in her yelling, but then something shifts in her attitude, but not in the way Emily was hoping it would. 

“You’re right,” Rose says. “You wouldn’t leave Kelley. Unless you two did it together…”

She trails off to look at Kelley, who’s shaking her head. 

“I didn’t do anything,” Kelley says, and Emily doesn’t see the glare shot in her direction until it’s too late, and she feels like a deer caught in headlights as everyone’s eyes swivel between her and Kelley. “I can’t speak for Emily though ,I wasn’t with her.”

“Yeah, right,” Rose says. “Everyone knows you’re staying in here.”

“No, I’m not,” Kelley says, and she’s clearly pissed, and Emily almost feels bad, but there are several people standing between them and honestly, she’d gotten a great night’s sleep and doesn’t regret that. “I got kicked out last night.”

Prank forgotten, Rose reaches to jab Mal in the ribs. 

“We should have bet on it,” Rose says, and she’s not even bothering to be discreet. “Wasn’t I saying that this wouldn’t last?”

Emily feels a bit frozen, unsure of what to do, but Lindsey comes to her rescue easily enough as she smacks the back of Rose’s head. 

“This is exactly why you’re not getting your stuff back,” Lindsey tells her, and the chaos starts again - this time with Alex somehow involved, asking about whether or not they’re still open to betting on one thing or another, and Emily feels the old pull to insert herself into it all, but Kelley is starting to look legitimately upset. 

And well, Emily didn’t mean for a night apart to turn into this.

So she goes for Kelley, having to nudge past Mal who subsequently bumps into Lindsey, prompting an entirely new round of exclamations, and stops short in front of her, wanting to get this right.

“Are you actually upset?” Emily asks, and she makes sure to keep her voice low and steady so she doesn’t make this any worse. 

“No,” Kelley says, but it feels a bit untrue, as if she’s trying her best to convince herself that she’s not as hurt as she clearly is. 

“You can tell me if you are,” Emily tells her, and then Kelley’s reaching out and Emily reacts, letting Kelley hold onto her and trying not to care that it’s only a matter of seconds before their friends notice. 

“I just want to spend as much time as possible with you,” Kelley mumbles into the side of Emily’s face, and Emily holds her tight, and there’s something about how good and natural it feels that makes her care a lot less about whatever Rose might have to say. “Is that a crime?”

“It is when you let it affect you this much,” Emily says. 

“Everything you do affects me,” Kelley says, and it’s stubborn and she’s definitely upset, but Emily feels Kelley’s fingers pulling at the short hairs at the back of her neck, and she’s not about to try and minimize whatever Kelley’s feeling, even if it seems a little bit much for the circumstances. 

“Right,” Emily says, and the room is way too quiet and she’s mildly concerned that her friends have all stroked out or something, but she’s not about to turn around to check any time soon. “I get that. And I want to spend time with you, too.”

“Then why don’t you?”

“You know why,” Emily says, and she can feel Kelley start to deflate, the emotions whizzing out of her like air from a balloon. “Why do you think I wanted you to come over so early?”

“Because you wanted to prove a point to Horan,” Kelley says, but there’s no malice there, and Emily laughs as Kelley does the same. 

“Maybe,” Emily says, and Kelley’s staring at her and smiling, and then she’s kissing her and Emily’s missed this, missed kissing her since the last time she did it last night. There’s a chorus of cooing from behind them - she thinks she hears Mal say something about bleaching her eyes, and Emily mentally rolls hers - and the temptation to end the kiss immediately is strong, but Kelley’s sweeter and gentler than she normally would be and it’s hard to want to pull away from that. There’s something to be said for getting used to this, as Emily never thought she’d be like this, aggressively shoving displays of affection in her friends’ faces, but she’s been used to being physical with Kelley for years. Now, it just looks a little differently. 

When they separate, Emily knows her ears are burning red and her cheeks probably don’t look much different, but Kelley is beaming and really, she can’t regret anything she does that makes Kelley that happy. 

“I’m going to vomit, excuse me,” Alex says, and then Kelley’s laughing and Emily is actually rolling her eyes this time. 

“You don’t have to be so dramatic,” Kelley says, and Emily rejoins the room to see that Alex hasn’t actually moved an inch. “Besides, isn’t this what you wanted?”

“What I wanted was for you to figure everything out so I don’t have to worry about anyone breaking up,” Alex says. 

“Who says they’re breaking up?” Rose asks, looking mildly alarmed. “Do we need to place bets on that?”

“You’re not a fucking bookie,” Emily tells her. “Stop trying to think up bets.”

Rose flips her off and Lindsey chuckles from where she’s flung herself onto Emily’s bed, resting on her side as she finishes what is definitely not her own iced coffee. 

“I don’t want you guys breaking up,” Mal says, and her eyes are panicked but the words are calm. “I promise I’ll stop hating on you when you kiss, if that makes a difference.”

“Personally,” Kelley says, holding a hand to her chest, “I think that if we need to be worried about anyone breaking up, it’s definitely not going to be us.”

Emily wants to disappear, because talking about breaking up means that they’re together, and maybe it’s been implied but it actually hasn’t been discussed, and she’s not sure if it’s something she should bring up. Kelley’s looking at Rose and Alex in a way that’s very murderous, though, so she nudges her a bit rougher than intended and waits until she very clearly has her attention to speak. She clears her throat first while Kelley’s face morphs into something a little less intense, and it takes a moment to find the right words, but she thinks she lands on something decent. 

“So,” she says, and she’s trying to be quiet, even though she knows it’s pointless when the entire room barely has to strain to listen to her. “Are we like, together now?”

“Are you serious?” Kelley asks, and Alex is laughing hard and Lindsey is snickering and Emily feels a bit dumb. 

“Yes?” Emily says, scratching at her temple. “I mean, is there something to break up here?”

“You two are the worst,” Alex informs them. “I seriously can’t believe that you need me to walk you through everything.”

“We don’t need you, Alex,” Kelley says. “But really, are you serious? I thought we’d been together since we talked in Portland.”

Emily wants to leave the room, but then Kelley is reaching out and gripping her shoulders and Rose has shut up for once, and maybe this isn't so bad. 

“I’m taking that as a yes, then,” Emily says, and Kelley’s kissing the corner of her mouth and there have been so many kisses over the last couple of days, so many damn kisses, but every single one of them is worth it, even when their stupid friends are watching. She’s going to have to get used to this, used to Kelley’s constant desire for physical affection and overall need for her attention, but she wants to do this, and she can tell that Kelley wants to too, and that’s half the mental battle, at least. 

“Um, yeah,” Kelley says, and Emily hates how much she’d do anything to get her to keep looking like this - stupidly fond, as though they’re truly the only two people in the room, as if Emily’s done something far more impressive than ask a question that she apparently was already supposed to have the answer to. She thinks she will do anything for as long as Kelley will let her, as long as they let each other in and keep each other close, and it’s strange to think of her being the one to do things for Kelley for once instead of the other way around, but it’s not a concept that she’s opposed to. For so long she’s been so used to letting Kelley lead, taking whatever she could get, that it’s almost exciting to think about all the things she can do for Kelley now, and to think about all the things she can ask for. 

Like another coffee, because hers is officially empty and Lindsey is a bit of a demon when she wants to be, but it’s going to be a long while before Emily is allowed to call her on it. 

“If we’re really together,” Emily starts, and Kelley looks almost so wrapped up in the softness of the moment that she almost feels bad for what she’s about to say, “then will you go and get me another coffee?”

Lindsey busts out laughing and Kelley is pouting _ again _ , and Emily feels bad for grinning as widely as she does, but not bad enough to back down. 

“You’re lucky you kiss like a champ,” Kelley tells her. 

“Not so bad at that, huh?” Emily teases. 

“Just say fuck,” Alex says loudly, exasperatedly. “I feel like I’m watching a really bad movie.”

Kelley doesn’t bat an eye and Emily knows she’s blushing. 

“On second thought,” Emily says, grabbing her wallet from her nightstand, “let’s go get that together.”

“Don’t you dare buy anything without paying me back,” Mal says. 

“Don’t make me think up a prank for you, too,” Emily tells her on her way out, Kelley close behind. 

“Oh, I’m so scared,” Mal says. “What are you going to do, another jump scare? Been a while since you did one of those.”

“I’m offended,” Emily says, and she stops moving almost but Kelley pushes her along into the hallway. 

“We can think up as many bad pranks as you want while you’re buying me something to eat,” Kelley says, and before the door closes behind them, Alex can be heard telling everyone to clear out. “I’m thinking oatmeal.”

“I’m thinking, boring,” Emily says, and they spend the time waiting for an elevator arguing about where they should go to get something to eat. It’s not until they’re in the elevator, jabbing at the button for the lobby, that Emily frowns. 

“Do you really think my pranks are bad?” she asks. 

“I plead the fifth,” Kelley says, and Emily is torn between indignation and cracking up, and it all feels so shockingly normal for the two of them in a way that’s better than Emily could have imagined. 

Everything about being with Kelley so far feels better than Emily could have imagined. 

*

“Do I need to tie your cleats again?”

It’s a different stadium in a different state, but they’re back in front of Emily’s locker together with Kelley cross-legged on the floor, splitting a peanut butter sandwich that Alex had tried to steal before Kelley had pinched her thigh hard enough to send her stalking over to where Allie was holding court with Crystal. 

“I see how it is now,” Alex had said before leaving, nose in the air and her ponytail swinging. “I see that I’m the third wheel here now. I know when I’m not wanted, I get it.”

“Oi, Alex!” Emily had called after her. “You know Kelley’s always going to be our third wheel, right?”

Kelley had promptly smacked her. 

“She already likes you, you know,” Kelley had told her. “You don’t need to keep trying.”

Emily had let her ears burn after that before attempting to hide behind her sandwich, letting the peanut butter glue her tongue to the roof of her mouth. Now, she swallows hard before stuffing the last bite of it in her mouth, shaking her head and wiping her crumby fingers on her shorts. 

“Are you sure?” Kelley asks. “Because you’re cutting it pretty close now.”

“I’ve got it,” Emily says, once she’s successfully used her pointer finger to unstick her tongue. Kelley’s pulling a disgusted face, but Emily doesn’t care. “Why, do you want to?”

“No,” Kelley says. “I just want to see you not be the last one on the field for once.”

“That’s a choice I make,” Emily says, but she still extends a foot in the direction of Kelley’s lap. “Nice and tight, Miss Kelley, if you may.”

“Did I miss a please in there somewhere?” Kelley asks with a raised eyebrow and Emily just raises one back at her until Kelley gives in, reaching for the laces.

“You don’t have an extra hair tie, do you?” Emily asks, reaching up to adjust her bun. 

“Maybe in my bag,” Kelley says. “Why, what’s wrong with yours?”

“I think it’s a little stretched out,” Emily says, and she’s annoyed because it feels loose, and even though she’s not expecting to see many minutes tonight, she still doesn’t want to be redoing her hair while on the bench. “Will you check?”

“How many things do you think I can do at once?” Kelley asks, finishing with Emily’s right cleat. “Here, check for yourself.” Emily switches her feet around as Kelley pushes her bag closer, and Emily hauls it into her lap to sort through the zippers and compartments as Kelley works. 

“Do you want some gum?” Emily asks, finding a pack and extending it towards Kelley. 

“Are you really offering me my own gum?” Kelley asks. “My hands are a little busy right now, you know.”

Emily just shrugs and unwraps a few pieces before shoving them in her mouth, and the wintergreen flavor is a strange contrast to the peanut butter still lingering on her taste buds, but it’s strong enough that it overwhelms it soon enough. She takes a couple more pieces, and holds them out, and Kelley opens her mouth wide enough for Emily to drop them in. 

“Are you really looking for a hair tie, or was this just an excuse to go through my things?” Kelley says. 

“I don’t need an excuse to go through your things,” Emily says, poking around in a large pocket and finally finding a tight black ponytail. “Look, I think you had exactly one.”

“You’ve got to replace it,” Kelley says, and Emily goes to zipper the bag shut, but she sees something floating around at the bottom and she frowns, brow furrowing and coming together as she slips the hair tie on her wrist so she can pull out a folded piece of shiny white paper. 

“What’s this?” Emily asks, and her heart is skipping and she thinks she knows what it is, and it makes sense that Kelley’s had it in her bag this entire time, but it’s somewhat surreal to see it still in her possession. “Did I draw this for you?”

It’s a dumb question because as she unfolds the paper it becomes very clear what it is, a rough outline of two figures in a hottub, and Emily remembers exactly how she felt when she was sketching it out. She remembers trying to focus on getting a spot in the starting line up, trying to be excited for herself, but instead all of her brain power had been directed at Kelley and the morning they’d spent together. She remembers smiling widely as she’d watched Kelley look at it, too apprehensive to give it to her directly, and she hadn’t seen what Kelley had done with the paper afterwards, but she’s glad to see that she hadn’t tossed it straight into the trash. 

“Yeah,” Kelley says. “Reminds me of that game, of getting to play next to you.”

“Almost next to me,” Emily corrects absently, biting her bottom lip as she stares at the little pencil strokes. They’re a little rubbed in by now, the paper creased and worn from being at the bottom of Kelley’s bag for the past month or so, and she remembers trying harder than she usually would have to make the two figures the perfect distance apart from each other. “Abby played between us.”

“Wish I was playing with you today,” Kelley says, gently tugging the paper out of Emily’s hands. She looks up from the drawing to see Kelley’s eyes drilling into her, pretty and very earnest, and she just shrugs in response. 

“Maybe I’ll get subbed in,” she says, and Kelley frowns a little. 

“Are you okay?” she asks, and she’s got one hand holding the paper and the other resting on Emily’s knee, warmth spreading out from her played fingers. 

“Yeah,” Emily says, because she is. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Just because I know what’s it’s like to want to do anything to get more playing time,” Kelley says. “You’ve been doing well though, you know? So well.”

“I know,” Emily says, smiling at her, and she means it. She knows she’s been doing well in practices and she’s been good for her club and there are just too many excellent players on their team for her to be guaranteed a start, and she’s fine with that. “Might be nice to watch you from the bench for the first time in a while, though.”

Kelley just folds the drawing back up before reaching up to put it back in the bag, and Emily sets it on the floor beside hers, and she doesn’t think the two of them have ever spent this much time focused solely on each other before a game, but it’s nice. Her head feels quiet and relaxed, and she’s still buzzing with anticipation, but only in the best way where she can’t wait to watch Kelley do well. 

“I’ll make sure to give you something worth watching,” Kelley says. 

“Come one, you two,” Christen says, tightening her ponytail as she passes them. “Time for warmups.”

Emily gets up easily, and Kelley reaches out her hands so that Emily is forced to haul her up and off the ground as always. This time though, Emily doesn’t have to ignore the sparks that she feels when their hands touch, and she’s allowed to give into the urge to kiss Kelley on the nose before redoing her bun with the new ponytail. It leaves them both smiling as they head onto the field, and they end up practicing in a group with Christen who is just about the only one nice enough to let them participate without making immature comments about why they’re the last two out of the locker room. 

Being on the bench is a different experience. She sits on one end next to Mal, who makes fun of her for wearing her jacket, but Emily defends her choice against the cooling fall weather and watches Kelley as closely as she can. Kelley is too busy playing - as she should be - to pay much attention to the sidelines, and when Moe goes down for a minute after getting a cleat to her thigh, the team jogs over for a short water break and Emily waits expectantly for Kelley to come to her. 

She’s got a ferocious expression on her face, walking towards Emily in the way she does when there’s something she really wants - long, purposeful strides that look almost comical. But then Emily’s extends the water bottle and Kelley eases up, stopping short and opening her mouth. 

“Hit me, Em,” she says, and Emily just shakes her head and laughs. 

“Yeah, if you want it all down your front,” she says. 

“Maybe I do,” Kelley says with a shrug, and it’s not a very long interaction as Moe is helped off the field, probably just needing to walk it off, but it’s one of those times that Emily feels exists just between the two of them, where they’re in their bubble, except this time she can let herself relax into it and not worry about holding back, not worry about keeping her composure and overthinking everything she does, not worry about if she’s appearing too eager or too responsive. She can just let herself be, smiling softly at Kelley and getting an even softer smile in return, and when Kelley leaves, it’s not without a quick tap to Emily’s backside and a mischievous look in her eyes. 

Halftime comes and goes quickly once Jill tells Emily’s she’s subbing on for Kelley, and Kelley looks at her with disappointment as Alex tries to haul her away to look at something on Pinoe’s phone. 

“It’s okay,” Emily assures her. 

“I just like playing together,” Kelley says. “We don’t ever get to do it enough.”

“We will, just not today,” Emily tells her. “Now go, before Alex’s eyes start shooting actual laser beams at me.”

Emily thinks she plays well, and maybe it’s because she knows Kelley is watching her closely even as she sits squeezed between Allie and Pinoe who keep chattering away over her, but she thinks that it’s mostly due to the fact that she knows she’s doing her best. She’s played slotted in for Kelley before, when Kelley’s ankle had kept her away, and it’s not her favorite way to be on the pitch but she makes the most of it and when the final whistle blows, she’s at least confident that she did the best she could, and it wasn’t bad at all. Kelley’s the first one to her and that’s not abnormal, and she can’t help but grin widely as Kelley throws an arm over her shoulders to tug her close. 

“You did great,” Kelley tells her, and they’re both sweaty - Emily much more so, Kelley’s dried and tacky on the inside of her elbow as it presses to the back of Emily’s neck - but that’s another thing that’s not new for them. She knocks a water bottle into Emily’s stomach and she accepts it appreciatively, drinking it down as Kelley babbles into her ear, leaning up while pulling Emily down, and it’s easy to be distracted by the cheering crowd and the huddle that’s forming, so maybe she doesn’t catch every word, but she definitely catches when Kelley clumsily kisses her cheek. She doesn’t know how this was something she used to survive through, because she feels herself flushing and she can’t focus on what’s being yelled into the huddle and she barely registers who presses into her other side, and she’s grinning and feeling like she’s floating a bit and - 

She’s happy, Emily realizes with a jolt. 

After all the casual agony, all of the internal suffering and trying so hard to coexist with Kelley in moments that were seemingly meant to be platonic while feeling anything but, she’s come through the other side of it all and she’s  _ happy.  _

She’s happy when they separate and Kelley clings to her arm, fingers holding tightly in a way that reminds her of sitting on that bench by the water in Portland. 

She’s happy when Kelley laps the field with her, stopping to sign the occasional jersey, the occasional sign. There are a few that make Emily laugh, and when Kelley backs up and goes to keep walking, she finds a Sharpie being thrust into her face, so she signs the corner of a big white poster board. 

She’s happy when she gets caught up with Sam and Rose, who gleefully poach her in a manner that’s worrying close to the way Alex steals Kelley. She poses for a couple of selfies and lets Rose say something about how gross her perspiration-damp hair looks.

She’s happy when she lets Kelley kiss her in the locker room, when she’s talking to Lindsey and is caught slightly off guard but doesn’t mind even though Lindsey says something along the lines of how they can’t spend two minutes apart. 

She’s happy on the bus, when she tries to pay attention to Lindsey’s retelling of something that happened during the first half of the game, trying to get Emily’s opinion on it, but is too distracted by the texts Kelley is sending her. 

**Kelley O’Hara: ** Are you going to kick me out of your room again later?

She’s only across the row, and Emily sneaks a look to see Kelley nodding at whatever Allie is twisted around to tell her.

**Emily Sonnett: ** who says i’m letting you back in

**Kelley O’Hara: ** I’ll just pretend I’m there for Alex

**Emily Sonnett: ** she might figure it out when you can’t leave me alone

**Kelley O’Hara: ** Do you want to be left alone?

Emily glances over to see Kelley’s phone open to their message thread, device balanced in her hands as she continues to listen, Alex being the one to talk at her now. 

**Emily Sonnett: ** no

**Emily Sonnett: ** you know i do want you there, right?

**Kelley O’Hara: ** Wouldn’t hurt you to say it every once in a while!

This time when she looks over, Kelley is slumped in her seat and completely focused on her phone, her wet hair down and drying over her shoulder. She’s so attractive and the thought makes Emily’s stomach lurch, in a good way. 

**Emily Sonnett: ** i want you there

**Emily Sonnett: ** no promises about a sleepover though

**Emily Sonnett: ** you’re kinda pretty, did you know that?

She’s happy when Kelley looks at her, a genuinely content smile on her face as she lets her phone fall into her lap. 

Lindsey nudges Emily. 

“You’re not even paying attention to me, are you?”

It takes a moment for Emily to redirect her attention.

“Okay, explain it again,” she says. “I’m listening this time, I swear.”

She’s happy later when she’s tucked into bed, Kelley’s head pillowed on her chest, against the soft fleece of her sweater. It’s cool in the room but she doesn’t mind, the air conditioning helping to alleviate the heat radiating off of Kelley’s body. She’s handsy, sneaking up past the hem of the sweater to draw circles on Emily’s waist, and Emily no longer has to make excuses in her head for the way Kelley touches her. She can let it just be while she drops a kiss to the top of Kelley’s head, aware that Alex is there but in her own world as she talks on the phone with her husband. The tv drowns out most of what she’s saying, not too loud but enough to let Emily feel like she can say something without Alex catching it. 

“Kell,” she says, and she’s been combing her fingers through Kelley’s hair, and she’s pretty sure that Kelley is half asleep and so is she, but this feels important. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Kelley says, and she nuzzles into her chest like a cat, eyes not even open anymore. “Yeah, Em. I’m more than okay.”

Emily is happy as they lay there, happy enough to trust that while there’s a million and one things they have to figure out (sleeping arrangements in Chicago probably being top of the list for the moment), they’ll be able to do it together for once. 

And she’s most happy about that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's all, folks! thanks to all my readers and reviewers and those who helped me flesh out these characters and organize the plot into something that somewhat resembles a story. i never meant for this to be so long but i'm really grateful for everyone who took the time to read this. endings are my least favorite thing to write but hopefully i did these two justice here :)

**Author's Note:**

> come talk to me at softanticipation.tumblr.com if you feel any type of way about this


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